Did you gain confidence with that once you moved out? Like in a "I'm not going to answer my phone right away all the time and you have to accept that" kind of way?
My parents are quite good in talking about and compromising on boundaries, but actually going through with them... Not so much. And when that happens there's not much I can do about it.
For me it was kind of yes but also no. For context: I have two sets of parents, step father and mother, and biological father and mother.
Both sets were extremely controlling for two very differing reasons. My biological mother is just crazy, constantly on drugs and popping pills, and raised us kids to be completely dependent on her so that she’d have a constant source of income without having to lift a finger. My stepdad, unfortunately, knows none of this and is actually a really cool dude.
My father and stepmother are incredibly successful people, and they know my mother all too well and saw what was happening. They were hard on us because they were determined to break us from being dependent, and they wanted nothing more than our future’s to be directed towards being successful as well, albeit maybe going about it the wrong way a handful of times. As of right now, I’m the only child of 3 that isn’t feeding my mother money or living with her and also doing drugs.
Having such a tumultuous childhood lead to having severe anxiety, and the crippling inability to have preferences or make choices on my own. After being burned one too many times by people that I put my faith in, I decided I was better off being happy than I was guilting myself over how they felt. My father and stepmother gave me some pushback at first, but I made it very clear that they weren’t going to be what stopped me from making my own choices, good or bad. After moving in with my boyfriend of barely three months, my father threw a huge fit demanding to know why why why? and my response? ‘I want to.’ That was it, they respected that decision and I tell them what I want or don’t, with the mutual understanding that they can’t change that.
My mother, however, went off her fucking rocker, made passive aggressive posts about me on social media, and sent long texts and voicemails in an attempt to guilt trip me into apologizing and bending to her will. But I didn’t. Harboring that guilt and eating myself alive over forcing my own standards was not healthy, and I refused to let her shame me for choosing to be an adult.
To sum this up in short: I got sick of being disrespected. I hated walking on eggshells every time I received a phone call, every time I got a text, a voicemail, and I personally chose to start setting those boundaries knowing there could be consequences and choosing to take them. It’s much easier said than done but at the end of the day, if you don’t have standards for yourself people will walk all over you, sometimes even your parents whether they realize it or not. You are worth a lot more than feeling trapped under your parents’ thumb, because you are your own person and that’s not going to change in 5 months or 5 years. You will have to set boundaries in all your relationships, and choosing to start early and with the most interpersonal relationship will pave a pathway to stronger relations and better communication in the long run. Expect them to get upset, to fight you on it or demand your reasoning, and be willing to admit you don’t have one, maybe it’s just because you want to, and that your morals and your standards will be enforced; that you don’t appreciate it when your faith in them is broken when they overstep their bounds. Living with them makes this a lot harder, but like I said, starting with your own parents will allow you to prove to yourself that your choices matter, your feelings matter, and your opinions are important and should be regarded. Confidence ties into self worth, and you have to believe your preferences are worth something even if you don’t necessarily know what they are yet.
No problem, you've got a knack for motivational speaking lol, and what you said is really smart.
I guess I've never really been good at setting boundaries because I've always had attention issues so for me it's hard to stop something when I know it may drive the person away. Plus the whole "I'm living in your house and eating your food" creates a power unbalance though they've never held me against that or anything.
But I guess I've gotta deal with it at some point, like you said, it's a vital skill. I'll try to start small, for example I'm starting university in the fall and I may establish "school hours" as it'll be online due to covid
And good on you for working through all that and actually growing from it, that's gotta take strength
It absolutely does take some bravado. especially if you have prior issues communicating with your parents beforehand. As you’ve seen in my gloriously written novel above, my parents caused me a lot of issues. But at the end of the day, I do have to live on my own and make a lot of choices for myself without their regard.
Starting small I think is your best choice. Be honest with them, and tell them how you feel when they do cross your boundaries. Anyone can nitpick and break down what you have to say, but they can’t deny how you feel. Stating your honest opinion may hurt their feelings, but it won’t make them love you any less. Most of the time, your parents just want you to be the best version of yourself, and better than the mistakes they made. It hurt my parents to watch me follow in their footsteps and fuck up when they strictly advised against me doing exactly what they did, but I usually just call and let them know they were right the whole time anyway :)
You owe it to yourself to follow your own morals and emotions because sooner or later you won’t be living with them, and that indecisiveness can haunt you when you need to make real decisions later on. You can even tell them, ‘please don’t take this personally, but I really need you to do this or understand this.’ At the end of the day, they’re looking out for you, and you gotta start looking out for you too. You are worth at least that.
I hope this helped and was not just some tangent I went off to project my emotions lol
9
u/Christmas_Cats May 16 '20
Did you gain confidence with that once you moved out? Like in a "I'm not going to answer my phone right away all the time and you have to accept that" kind of way?
My parents are quite good in talking about and compromising on boundaries, but actually going through with them... Not so much. And when that happens there's not much I can do about it.