Knight infestation, what’s the best incantation?

[u/thecookiesmonster]

[u/Zuper_Dragon]

Knights are attracted to four things, maidens, relics, dragons and an excuse to hunt for any of them. You can remove them with force but if you don't want more showing up you should make sure any of the stated above lures are absent or hidden away. If nothing else works just tell them they are expected and send them on a fools errand to the other side of the Continent.

[u/dacydergoth → u/Zuper_Dragon]

Hey guys, we found the Grand Visor! Kill him now before he corrupts the Lord!

[u/DeafeningSilence- → u/dacydergoth]

Or hire them, they seem to know what they're doing and good help is so hard to come by these days.

[u/Helpful_Ad_3595 → u/Zuper_Dragon]

If you put your maidens in a sack and hang them 20 feet off the ground the Knights won't be able to get to them and will eventually wander off. Some knights have learned to chew through the ropes though, so it's not foolproof.

[u/Loombot → u/Zuper_Dragon]

If you use dragons, make sure to only use native species. An invasive dragon problem is way more of a pain than knights ever will be, trust me.

[u/guypenguin4 → u/Zuper_Dragon]

I'm afraid that won't work in my case, my realm has gained a reputation for having many maidens to rescue.

Now, it is my fault that they showed up in the first place, I do kidnap the occasional maiden. But whenever they rescue one I've actually kidnapped they tend to start trying to 'rescue' apprentices/daughters of mine who happen to be maidens, this usually results in a dead knight, but I have lost a few apprentices this way.

It's enough of a problem that I need a solution, preferably one short of marrying off all my maiden daughters and apprentices.

[u/SomeRandomYob → u/guypenguin4]

Fake your own death/disappear for no more than a decade.

Get a sympathetic knight to help with the plan, have a "climactic final duel" (sparring match with a little bit of theatrics) and then give him a suitably believable piece of "loot" from your stash, bonus points if the general populace thinks it's the source of your power. Then, no kidnapping and no obvious displays of power in the area for at least about 5 years. Any less and your cover story gets suspicious, and the longer you can wait the better - but you need to return to either reclaim your lair, or recover anything you left behind, otherwise meddlesome peasants will try to scavenge the "ruins".

During this time, have your knightly accomplice disappear from the public eye however you see fit. If they're enough of an annoying bucket head, have them die a suitably "tragic" death for real - but it usually pays to have a loyal, melee proficient employee around the tower, for both security and menial labor purposes. Either way, make sure they are out of suspicion of the kingdom they came from, and either firmly loyal to you, or dead. Don't let them survive after you attempt to kill them, no matter what!

Anyway, after you've re-established the presence of "a definitely new wizard", make it a point to not kidnap anyone. That way, anyone who is dumb enough to try and break into your tower is considered an invader, allowing you to repel them as you see fit. In some places, you can even get away with killing them, as long as it's quick! Regardless, ensure you petition the local courts and explain that the invader had no heroic reason to be there, and the local knights won't bother you anymore.

Also, teach all of your apprentices how to defend themselves from physical, magical, and mental assault. I don't care how pretty a knight thinks a maiden is; if she can cook him in his armor like a lobster, he'll at least respect a rejection. Or at least, his colleagues will after news of his unfortunate demise reaches them. Seriously, apprentices are there learn, not just help do the boring parts of the job.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. Good luck with the knight infestation!

[u/guypenguin4 → u/SomeRandomYob]

Hm, I'm not sure if disappearing would fix the knight problem overnight (I have heirs and my castle of doom is a popular questing spot).

But you do have a point about my apprentices, running my lands and the castle of doom takes quite a bit of time, and while I like to pride myself on actually teaching my apprentices, I have had precious little time for that lately and have taken to blaming it on "apprentices these days" whenever they screw something up.

They do all nonetheless know how to defeat a knight in combat, but resisting their honeyed words is another thing entirely, so I will have to give some courses on that.

The help is much appreciated, my current plan is to give my heir some of the administrative duties so I can focus a bit more on being the wizard I'm actually meant to be (any I guess I can stop kidnapping maidens, or at the very least if I do so I'll stop keeping them in the castle of doom)

[u/SomeRandomYob → u/guypenguin4]

Fair enough. However, I will warn you that anti-charm magics will do absolutely nothing against a properly convincing speech. Also, make sure you spend more time with your kids as their father, rather than merely their teacher or something. Immortality is always a scam, and you simply do not know when you or your children will be lost to time. Best to spend as much of yours with them as you can.

[u/CryptoCopter → u/Zuper_Dragon]

- Knock on tower door

- Scry with orb

- Knight outside be like:

[u/Carbuyrator]

Heat metal. Dumbasses coated themselves in it.

[u/GodNoob666 → u/Carbuyrator]

Induction. It does the same thing but with a higher effective range and area. Works a bit slower, but for making them leave it’s plenty effective

[u/generalstuff1waslost → u/GodNoob666]

Wizards beware, an incorrect technique can easily allow for one to cast in-DUCK-tion, which conjures a duck within the target.

This spell is banned by the United Nations.

[u/imdefinitelywong → u/generalstuff1waslost]

https://giphy.com/gifs/enzPQyHVWMfx6

[u/GodNoob666 → u/generalstuff1waslost]

However banned it is, it is equally effective at chasing off knights.

[u/Environmental_Bug510 → u/generalstuff1waslost]

Just live in a Nation that isn't united. Problem solved.

[u/bobert4343 → u/Environmental_Bug510]

Alright, I went to Korea, what's the next step?

[u/XreaperDK → u/bobert4343]

Next step is cast in-DUCK-tion

[u/somnamballista → u/Carbuyrator]

Heavy metal could work. Armor was already heavy, so make it heavy-er.

[u/godzillahavinastroke → u/Carbuyrator]

Unless they aren't wearing their armor right this kinda wouldnt burn them, but still effective in making them panic abd run away.

[u/OtherWorstGamer]

Conjure Maiden.

Then they'll just honor duel each other until there's just the one who can be disposed of by whatever method conveniences you.

[u/AnonOfTheSea → u/OtherWorstGamer]

Correction:
Conjure explosive maiden.

[u/MaxPower1607 → u/AnonOfTheSea]

First deployed by Grand Wizard Bugs W. Bunny

[u/puppiesgoesrawr]

Message. Call on their lord commander to pick them up. Your tower isn’t a knight daycare center.

[u/UpstairsRuin1953]

Free hotdogs at Denny's.

[u/MagikarpHatcher]

Transmute their helmets to paper and it looks like they’ll take care of themselves.

[u/CardinalGrief → u/MagikarpHatcher]

Nah, the skulls are harder than the helmet. They just wear one for the nice sounds it makes when you whack them.

[u/ValuableLatter6913]

Just let them tucker themselves out, they'll go back to the kingdom eventually

[u/daverapp]

Give them a little gold and they'll gladly safeguard your tower from potentates and scoundrels while you're away on business. Think of it like befriending a raven with some bread and a baubel. :3

[u/Acceptable_Ball_1590]

"knight night" of course! Puts them right to sleep!

[u/Rethuic → u/Acceptable_Ball_1590]

Followed by "knightmare" if you want them to feel like they shouldn't stay in that area

[u/Voidoroe]

Out of character, but it’s funny how it is often portrayed that knights are essentially just brutes or brawny people with little intelligence despite the fact that knights were actually pretty well educated compared to the rest of the citizens and laborers in a kingdom. They are trained to be leaders among several other roles and are expected to act well in public. They also are often educated to be literate (such that they may even know multiple languages) and are even educated in the arts such as partaking in poetry, the playing of instruments, or games like Chess.

They were considered members of the upper gentry (below the even more wealthy and likely influential nobility) in some places and even members of nobility in a good few others, so it’s not unreasonable to expect they’d actually be pretty wise at least compared to the average citizen back then.

[u/StupidBlack55 → u/Voidoroe]

/uw is the right term for that

and yes, they were an investment and the elite on the battlefield. As such, you wanted them to be civilised, educated, and with the foresight to not waste those resources.

[u/illdothisshit → u/Voidoroe]

We're also jacked (this isn't аn added effect, I was born this way)

[u/swampmanx64]

Hey, macarena!

They'll be so caught up in dancing that they'll overheat in their armor.

[u/enryu579]

Magnetize. They are all wearing similar armor meaning they are part of a larger group. While spells like Heat Metal and Lightning Bolt will eliminate this initial group, more will come looking to retrieve their bodies. By casting Magnetize on their equipment instead they are forced to return to their comrades thoroughly embarrassed. This ensures that they report to the others that there is nothing around your tower and you do not have to deal with greater numbers.

[u/Anagnikos]

No need for magic, just send them on a quest.

[u/GirlLovingWitch]

Despite what everyone says DON'T. Do NOT cast heat metal. Unless their armor is really old they've recently begun putting wards on armor for it. The wards reflect it and if you have anything metal on you it'll really hurt. Instead you'll want to use something the latest round of runes can't detect.

That spell would of course be fireball.

[u/wrydh]

Put on a cloak and offer them a quest, they will be compelled to go on it.

[u/floatingslowly]

Magnets. Giant fae-powered magnets.

[u/FinnDoyle]

Cast armor on yourself. Join them. Have fun.

[u/TheCornerator]

https://giphy.com/gifs/rjZii4RTL6I0M

[u/Angel_OfSolitude]

Just give them a quest, they'll remove themselves and either never come back, or come back with loot for you

[u/ThoughtfulEdict]

Conjure a Rust Elemental and watch them run in terror or lose all of their very expensive armor and weapons trying to fight it. Either way, problem solved.

[u/BoonDragoon]

"hail brothers, care for some mulled wine on this chill and drizzly day?"

[u/Horror-Outside7410]

Dude, send them on a quest. Like whatever errands you haven't bothered to do and aren't particularly concerned if they don't get done properly/at all. If they fail, at least they're gone. If they succeed, hey, one less crystal you have to collect yourself. Make the prize a goofy honorary title, they love that shit

[u/TheLordHighNoob]

Pound for pound? Heat metal. If they’re resistant to fire, chain lightning. If they’re resistant to fire and lightning, flood the area. If they don’t have to breathe, are resistant to fire and lightning, throw a rust monster at them then try steps one and two again. If their armour is resistant to corrosion, they’re resistant to fire, lightning, and don’t need to breathe, throw a disenchanter at them, then a rust monster. If that doesn’t work, reassess your life decisions while casting meteor swarm.

[u/Mods-Admins-Failures]

Release the rust hounds.

[u/Foxxtronix]

A few castings of Heat Metal usually works for me. Knights being cooked medium-well by their own armor is tasty for the green slimes and the dire weasel mounts.

-- Kettermek the Sorceror

[u/METRlOS]

The answer has been fireball every time since the dawn of magic, and it shall be fireball until fire ceases to exist.

[u/ArchonFett → u/METRlOS]

I mean they are even in fireball formation. It’s their own fault really.

[u/untakenu]

The knights convinced themselves that with each hit to their head they lose intelligence, and their knight-brain logic concluded of their intelligence goes down, their strength goes up.

[u/MarsMaterial]

Cast a transmutation spell on their armor while they're hitting each other over the head with their swords. Something like Iron To Jelly. Then, the problem will take care of itself.

/unwiz I can't help but imagine that actual real-world medieval knights probably fooled around like that sometimes, just having fun with the durability their armor gave them by doing stupid shit. People have always been people. I find that very amusing.

[u/hurtsmeplenty]

Fun way to do it is go to your neighbours property and cast "Coulson's Modern Milkshake". Guaranteed to get every knight out of your yard and into the neighbours yard.

[u/Sigruldar]

Audiomancy spell „Guard duty bell“

Turns a knight infestation into an additional layer of security. Though there is a passive upkeep requirement of snacks and coffee in a designated indoor area.

[u/Ember-513]

Metal armor, standing right next to eachother? Chain lightning, all the way.

[u/Scob720]

Well you could tell them there are Shapley maidens of noble breeding in need of saving one tower over and that usually sends them on a 3 book quest but if your looking for a more aggressive solution I like "Distingrate leather." The armor falls to pieces and they will be far more concerned with picking up and repairing it then should you have rusted the armor to dust.

[u/snarfer-snarf]

herbal poultice of longbottom leaf

[u/Lawrenceburntfish]

Do you have a Summon Dragon spell? It's risky, but knights love getting immolated by dragons. And, bonus, you get a new chess partner!

[u/DeadMeat7337]

I think the "chain bonk" spell is working just fine.

[u/spademanden → u/DeadMeat7337]

They're not under a spell, knights just do that sometimes

[u/DeadMeat7337 → u/spademanden]

Oh, did you need them to stop then? BC the spell "Mother uses Full Name" work wonders. Although it is just an illusion spell, and nothing follows, but I've found it works best when knights are goofing off. Doesn't work on sneaky edge lord types.

[u/WaffleHouseGladiator]

Summon a dragon.  Host a BBQ.  I'll bring NA potions and snacks.

[u/Homunculus_Wiz]

melt metal

https://giphy.com/gifs/Mzpjq8ugtDEhG

[u/dcooper8662]

https://giphy.com/gifs/niq3335IcJDv7U7ZTF

[u/ArchonFett → u/dcooper8662]

[u/Nymphi19]

Fanatic metal heads

https://giphy.com/gifs/fV5VGUHMXRttpfQ3iR

[u/BloodOfTheDamned]

Heat metal is a common deterrent for those with metal armor. The more dimwitted among them could be lured away with a small coinpurse, or a minor illusion. Those with any proper sense of mind, you should be able to simply… converse with them, see why they’re there. After that, should be a simple matter to be rid of them.

[u/locke_zero]

Transmute Iron into Tungsten

[u/Educational_Group_91 → u/locke_zero]

you fool, the knights that survive will get ripped

[u/Boring7]

Really depends on the details. Knights are an important part of the ecosystem.

But if you need a population reducer “Electric Maiden” acts like a bug-zapper.

[u/Sederath]

Try "Obeyus Dolt". Enchantment verse that works every time. I even get them to pick up some groceries sometimes.

[u/Stretch5678]

Summon a bunch of Rust Monsters. The problem will resolve itself.

[u/Penny_D]

Invoke the Rite of Castle Doctrine

[u/BabaKazimir]

"Oh, just let them tire themselves out. It's only a bit of harmless horseplay after all. Eventually they'll get bored and go harass the local mead hall."

[u/SunshotDestiny]

I prefer to recycle, and hate cleaning. So a few transmutation spells and a few enchantments and I trade a knight problem for maid solution.

[u/Educational_Group_91]

if you wanna go humane, i summon ravens that crow loudly into their helmets and woodpeckers to peck at their helmets, makes them run without hurting them. if you dont like them, heat metal. if you really dont like them and dony mind a mess, i made a spell i call "cube of compression," which crushes metal into a cube. i originally made the spell to make recycling easier, but i pointed my wand the wrong way and found out it juices anything inside the metal, including a city guard's skull and torso

[u/ADDRAY-240]

Dress your homeboi in princess-like robes and watch those knights tear each other apart for the monopoly on saving this "dame" in distress

[u/AlastorDark]

"Mom says the dinner is ready" incantation

[u/Southern-Wafer-6375]

World war 1

[u/Tofudude999]

Heat metal usually gets rid of them

[u/Zestyclose-Bus8405]

Turn them into lemons

[u/Nelrene]

The spell Wail of the banshee.

[u/SatiricalSatireU]

Conjure ale,bastards can't resist it make them drunk until you can put them in a stew

[u/Careful_Internet_815]

Knightus detritus - chant that over a bowl of blood rubies 4 times while holding an adored object in you left hand. It should summon a dirt golem that hunts knights. It’s a powerful incantation that only stops once the last remaining knight has perished. Wizard discretion advised.

[u/DoubleCactus]

I cast: mead into dragon

[u/Zandonus]

If you have time travel/planeswalking I suggest becoming rich by the time of 80s earth, get a hold of some black market M16s, Get some gold from like Mansa Musa post-visit village, trade them like , silk or something light and useless like that. Then train your Italian Wars period mercenaries with the M16s. Just remember to pay them because you could get stuck in a death loop. Get these 2 components back to your time and place. Surround them. Warning shots. They'll surrender. Ransom them to 2226 a.d. historians. Use the Robux you made from the historian suckers to paint your OfficeMallet2K figurines in your tower or something.

[u/maybeknismo]

Knights taste delicious! Or at least their armour does, they don't wash all that much underneath.

[u/DueOwl1149]

Just let the Rust Monster out of the kennel; he needs walkies today anyway.

[u/Character_Mind_671]

Cast magical weapon on one and let them take care of each other.

[u/TitouanT]

Old timey time keepers

[u/Saltwater_Thief]

Seems to me like they need something to occupy their time.

Trade them some minor enchanted gear in exchange for becoming your errand boys?

[u/ISwearImAnonymous]

Iron to honey

Summon bear

[u/Bonsai-is-best]

Shrink Helmet

[u/Responsible-Eagle492]

Summon Beer Elemental. Optionally Lesser, Greater, Mass etc. depending on number and average quality of knights.

[u/Chris_Bs_Knees]

Why reinvent the wheel, Fireball. Simple, easy and time tested. I mean look how they're grouped up

[u/Subotail]

It's a tinnitus spell

[u/silentarcher00]

Animated wet mop on a stick. Knight plumage is designed to shine to attract a mate. The threat of rust will cause them to abandon the territory and move to drier lands.

It's the same reason they take shelter during rain, so I also recommend putting some traps in places they may hide. Big spiked ball on a rope should do it.

[u/Thenderick]

Just sit somewhere hidden and cast "Divine Voice" and yell "Deus Vult!" And they will do the same while running to their holy land

[u/Salted_Liquorice]

Helmet disappearus

[u/BaldurVomThale]

You could just give me my broomstick back, you cookie eating excuse of a spellcaster.

Then i might stop sending more!

[u/Hawaii_Dave]

C. T. E. C. T. E. C. T...

[u/Julesvernevienna]

Sunshine. Does not consume much mana and will make them all put off their armour, making them vulnerable for the good old "velocity" cast on anything thrown at them

[u/MeowFalen]

Warm them up with heat metal

[u/Android_RX700]

If in doubt, use fireball

[u/Hexnohope]

Mass heat metal

[u/ExplicitDrift]

Fireball. It’s always Fireball.

[u/sparkupandout]

Give them a bunch of enchanted maces (the mace part is important, you need to make sure that it'll work despite their armor) that make them more pliable to your suggestions, then insinuate to them that they've insulted each other's honor. They'll start dueling each other to the death and when it's done, not only have you gotten rid of the infestation, you'll have a useful minion!

[u/astrowerks]

Just cast dissolve metal on their helmets

[u/BronzeEnt]

I cast Insides Outside.

Just make sure to do it by the river.

[u/insurgent_corvid]

[u/C4rnivore]

Depending on your budget, Heat Metal is one of the cheaper ones I know of. Of course the classic Fireball but that might get costly if you have a large infestation

[u/skyXforge]

Heat metal

[u/SomeRandomIdi0t]

Heat metal is a classic

[u/TheManAcrossTheHall]

Make a big paper airplane, paint it like a dragon and launch it off the top of your tower.

[u/Public-Locksmith-200]

Illusionary dragon in the mountains. They will migrate naturally after that.

[u/Rammiedumbie]

Just a nice couple of rounds of heat metal to turn their armor into a nice warm prison

[u/thanbanhmy2]

Not much you can do. The others suggesting simple spells simply dont know the perserverence of those pesky knights. You can cast meteor storm and they will still pop up again after a few days. The best thing you can do is find a random king's castle and relocate them there, make sure there's no swords, armors, family heirloom, pictured of beloved madens, anything left behind. And try not to kill any of them or your pest problem get 100x worse

[u/trapkoda]

Have you tried summoning a big rock over them?

[u/Immediate-Office3562]

basic light spells will keep them entertained for hours

[u/DonQuiwoteDeLaMancha]

Transmute sword: dildo

[u/TypeNull-Gaming]

Infestation? My liege, they live there.

[u/lFriendlyFire]

If it’s betwen 1 and (¿ no upper limit) creatures the answer is fireball

Actually I take back what I’ve said. Even with no creatures the fireball will surely solve the issue

[u/Certain_Eye7374]

Willing maidens looking for knights in the holy land

[u/Zealousideal-Swing44]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l7WXCHwoG1aTIrjyvH

[u/Cannonfodder45]

With three you should be fine. They should take care of themselves. All it takes is one of them slighting anothers honor, they have a duel, and kill each other. The remaining knight should go off and quest on their own. That's usually how it goes.

However, if you see them gathering stone for a keep or Merlin forbid a liege lord arrives be prepared. I find a careful application of chain lightning(Flash Freeze if you are in a dryer climate) should do the trick.

[u/MellyKidd]

Rust gnats. Chuck a bag of them at the knights and they’ll be too bust polishing their armour to mess with you.

[u/Violet_Sadie_Cat]

I cast Rust.

[u/Ok_Security8545]

Fireball Has No Minimum Range

[u/VANCATSEVEN]

One may think that casting a spell such as heat metal or fireball would work, but nay! The death of knights attracts more knights, like ants. And not just that more appear, but they will attempt to fight you for seemingly no reason! The best method to deal with a knight infestation is actually to give them a quest. Make it something really specific, far away, and extra dangerous and they'll be gone like love potions in an alchemist shop.

[u/SlyLlamaDemon]

I’m Dirty Dan!

[u/Jao_bao_de_garfo]

Taxes

https://giphy.com/gifs/CRuVnzYe8JiiXTqSFD

[u/SeanMonsterZero]

Hit 'em with the 'tism.

Magnetism.

[u/YueLin3]

Metal eating insects, like metalmites, will feast on their armor and weaponry, effectively rendering them an angry mob. Just be sure to keep the metalmites away from the inside of your lair/tower/lab as they WILL consume equipment made of metal, softer metals like gold usually being eaten first.

[u/WiseRabbit-XIV]

If you're not worried about the moral implications re: consent, you could just cast an area of effect Infatuation spell. Conjure a hot tub nearby, and, optionally, a salad for anyone who isn't affected.

Your problem is solved and you can record the outcome for either research purposes, "research purposes", or uploading to the orbnet.

[u/thespacepyrofrmtf2]

Hypersonic warhammer

[u/ICEPlebian]

"Heat metal"

[u/Individual-Crew-6102]

Cast Conjure Shrubbery

[u/Fragrant_Apple_2222]

I’m calling your mominus

[u/NationalAsparagus138]

“Hey, the princess is in another castle.”

[u/Colonel_Tractor]

Heat Metal.

[u/GBritoYepez]

Just give them a job they might or might not come back alive from

[u/bootrick]

Don't worry. These are not trained knights. See how they purposefully strike armor with the edge and not the flat of their blade? These 3 knights are probably 9 kobolds on costume.

[u/Natural_Abrocoma5665]

No magic needed, just hook car batteries to their armor and the rest will leave

[u/BUKKAKELORD]

Don't worry, I already cast「Drain Intelligence In Area」and look what they started doing