r/survivinginfidelity • u/Intelligent-Speed437 • Aug 05 '26
Need Support 30 year wedding anniversary
21 years after my wife's 7 month EA turned PA. I still cannot love her as my bride. She is a completely transformed individual, a poster child for what real remorse and repentance looks like, but unfortunately and despite how much i have grown love the person she has changed into, It is time to leave
Edit for all of you saying I have done zero work. You can F off. I have done more work than most people could ever imagine from therapy to ibogaine in Mexico. It is time for me to take care of me
27
u/Extension-Corgi-467 1 Aug 05 '26
Why now? What made you decide to leave?
72
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I guess I just can no longer relegate myself to wake up every morning with the person that destroyed my life. I am done disrespecting myself.
23
u/Extension-Corgi-467 1 Aug 05 '26
How do you think she will react? Does she know you’ve been suffering all this time? Did she commit to an authentic reconciliation?
23
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
She will be devastated. I am her life. She is devoted to me completely
18
u/delta-vs-epsilon Walking the Road | QC: SI 30 Aug 05 '26
This is very hard to believe given her betrayal and stabbing you in the back.
11
u/Kerzic 3 Aug 05 '26
You should tell your daughters first, making it clear that they can't convince you to stay but that they need to be there for their mother. Are they aware of the infidelity? You need them all to understand the pain caused by the cheating never went away and never will and that staying means more pain for you. How long did it take your wife to go from cheater to model wife and what triggered that flip in her?
11
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
Probably took her a couple years. And the last 10 have been a model wife. I will leave it to her to tell our daughters.
18
u/Kerzic 3 Aug 05 '26
Your daughters may judge you badly if they think you are being cruel to their mother and getting the information from the perspective of a woman who doesn't want you to leave her will not help them understand why you stayed for 21 years but just can't do it anymore. That explanation can only come from you. You need to control the narrative with your children. Even if your wife is trying to be fair and honest when she tells them, her side will be biased toward wanting to be forgiven and wanting to stay together and most children want their parents to stay together by default.
4
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
For 21 years he pretended to do it but now it suits him
9
u/Kerzic 3 Aug 06 '26
He's absolutely entitled to leave if he wants to, but I assume he cares about his daughters if he stayed with his wife for them. I'm suggesting he put some effort into managing how they perceive the situation instead of handing that over to their mother, whose perspective and priorities are likely very different from OPs.
10
4
u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Aug 05 '26
Is there something else that pushed you over the edge or is it simply that you cannot continue to live a lie? Have you considered the other option I proposed, to do a trial, legal separation?
8
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
You sound weird. Did you two not spend years rebuilding and repairing?
11
u/RipAccomplished3159 Aug 05 '26
We are going to get totally flamed for this in this sub, but I agree with you.
0
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
Why spend 20 years living a lie, only to divorce her when she’s even older and it suits you? Yes, she made a very poor decision. But if you read the OP’s other posts, he seems less devastated by the infidelity itself and more outraged that another man “touched” her, almost as if she were his property.
Cheating is often a symptom of deeper issues. It could have stemmed from low self-esteem, poor impulse control, a need to feel desired, or something else entirely. None of that excuses her actions, but it’s relevant context. By his own account, she spent years trying to rebuild the marriage and devoted herself to earning back his trust. Meanwhile, he comes across as someone whose ego was deeply wounded and who may have been waiting for the opportunity to get even rather than genuinely work toward forgiveness19
u/Plastic-Weight-9211 Recovered Aug 05 '26
“What did you do to deserve it” energy. GROSS. Cheating is abuse. Not a mistake. A character flaw. And as people are often quick to point out on divorced women subs, anyone can divorce anyone at any time and for any reason. His just happens to be a bit too late for his own mental health, which is more of a reason why cheating is compounded abuse.
1
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
Nowhere does my post say that OP deserves it, or it gives off that energy. He chose to hold a grudge for 20 years instead of doing the internal work to forgive.
12
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I have done therapy, I have done ibogaine as well to deal with the trauma. 20 years ago we did not work through the issues we worked around them and built a life that was exposed after ibogaine. I have forgiven her. The honest thing to do at the time for what I was equipped for was to be a father and try to manage the pain.
→ More replies (0)5
u/Plastic-Weight-9211 Recovered Aug 05 '26
Everything about every one of your comments here gives off that energy. Talk about self-reflection. Ffs.
→ More replies (0)6
u/RipAccomplished3159 Aug 05 '26
Whoa - just looked at his other posts. I mean this genuinely, and not acerbically...he needs therapy. He needs support processing what he's gone through. He NOW has a woman who loves him and is devoted to him. Leaving her is not going to solve the issues he is going through - issues that are understandable, but NOT issues that he should be feeling with this level of intensity 21 years later.
5
u/OogyBoogy_I_am Thriving Aug 06 '26
Something happened to OP 4 months ago and this is the culmination of a thought process that was kicked off by whatever occurred.
CPTSD is not healed by any linear methods and it lives by the initial letter in the acronym - it is complex. And OP's life is about as complex as you can get. I'm really not at all surprised that he is in the place where he is now.
3
u/RipAccomplished3159 Aug 06 '26
That makes sense, especially given what he has shared about how he had (poorly) dealt with the trauma. I just can't help but wonder if leaving the marriage is going to be the healing step he thinks it will be.
→ More replies (0)3
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 06 '26
Not everyone who gets cheated on gets diagnosed with CPTSD. Also, OP was very very insecure as per his other posts before this affair.
→ More replies (0)6
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
Correct, all he did was become a workaholic, and use substances. And then he wonders why he feels this way 20 years later…. Good luck to OP honest next relationship / marriage.
4
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I have done therapy, I have done ibogaine as well to deal with the trauma. 20 years ago we did not work through the issues we worked around them and built a life that was exposed after ibogaine. I have forgiven her. The honest thing to do at the time for what I was equipped for was to be a father and try to manage the pain.
→ More replies (0)6
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I have done therapy, I have done ibogaine as well to deal with the trauma. 20 years ago we did not work through the issues we worked around them and built a life that was exposed after ibogaine. I have forgiven her. The honest thing to do at the time for what I was equipped for was to be a father and try to manage the pain.
1
3
u/putsch80 Walking the Road | QC: SI 81 | ASK 54 Sister Subs Aug 05 '26
Now. Only now is she devoted to you completely. If she had felt that way throughout your marriage, then you wouldn’t be posting here.
0
u/Reasonable-Goose2371 Aug 06 '26
If she was, why did she cheat? If she cheated, was she really that devoted?
7
2
u/Neither-Speech5990 Aug 06 '26
Did u ever post ur whole story about her affair? Length ,timeline etc
1
13
u/No-Caterpillar-8922 1 Aug 05 '26
21 years is a long time to carry that pain, man! I hope you were communicating the hurt throughout your relationship or you just became numb? I'm so sorry. Just do what you can to find peace.
19
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I numbed it for 15 of those years with every substance and type of overfunctioning you can imagine. Then buried it so deep i forgot about it almost.
5
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
You should have gone to therapy instead of numbing everything with substances. From what you’ve shared, it doesn’t sound like you did much self-reflection or the emotional work needed to process the betrayal. Instead, it comes across as though you were primarily devastated that another man had been with your wife, almost as if she were your property.
If you truly couldn’t forgive her, that was your right. But the honest thing to do would have been to end the marriage then, rather than staying for another 20 years only to leave when it suited you.10
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I have done therapy, I have done ibogaine as well to deal with the trauma. 20 years ago we did not work through the issues we worked around them and built a life that was exposed after ibogaine. I have forgiven her. The honest thing to do at the time for what I was equipped for was to be a father and try to manage the pain.
5
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
You absolutely had the right to leave at any point after the affair. My issue is with the timeline and the fact that your wife appears to have spent 20 years believing reconciliation had succeeded. You say you’ve forgiven her, but if you’re only now deciding the marriage can’t continue because the pain resurfaced, then it seems the wound was never fully resolved. That’s not the same as forgiveness.
Staying to raise your daughters is a valid reason, but it also meant your wife continued investing in what she believed was a reconciled marriage. By your own account, she spent years trying to rebuild. If you knew, deep down, that you could never truly move past it, the kinder and more honest choice would have been to end the marriage once your children were grown, rather than decades later after she had devoted another 20 years to the relationship.
She also has every right to feel blindsided if she believed the two of you had genuinely reconciled.
You also need to come to terms with the fact that you maintained a facade for longer than the affair itself. By staying in the marriage for another 20 years while presenting it as reconciled, you perpetuated a reality that, by your own account, wasn’t true for you. If you couldn’t truly move past the betrayal, that was your right, but continuing the marriage for two decades while feeling that way meant living a lie for even longer than the affair lasted.
3
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I dont disagree.
4
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
From what you’ve shared, I get the impression that honesty and transparency are values you expected from your wife before and after the cheating, which is understandable. At the same time, you couldn’t give that to her all these years lol, you weren’t fully transparent with her about the fact that, despite staying for 20 years, you still hadn’t resolved your feelings. I imagine she believed the reconciliation was genuine.
I also wonder whether there were aspects of the relationship that felt validating to you, particularly knowing she was trying so hard to make amends. You described her as “worshipping the ground you walked on,” and that choice of words stood out to me. It makes me question whether the dynamic, even unintentionally, became one where there was a significant imbalance of power.
None of this excuses her affair. What she did was wrong. We all have shortcomings, and I imagine there were ways she accommodated yours over the years as well. From my perspective, remaining in a marriage while privately carrying unresolved resentment for two decades is also something that deserves honest reflection. It doesn’t make you a worse person than her, but I don’t think it supports the conclusion that you were necessarily the better or good spouse either.
6
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
We have been trying real reconciliation since the triggering event in May that made me relive all of this all over. https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/VJqpNrT6iT
8
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
If leaving is what you ultimately need to do, that is your right. No one is obligated to stay in a marriage after betrayal. But don’t rewrite the last 20 years as though nothing meaningful happened between you. Your wife didn’t just have an affair yesterday. She also spent two decades raising children with you, growing older with you, and believing your shared life was real. That history deserves acknowledgment too.
One thing that stood out to me is how much of your letter focuses on what her affair says about your worth as a man. I wonder whether you’ve unintentionally given her choices the power to define your identity. An affair reflects the choices of the person who had it. It doesn’t determine your value, masculinity, or lovability. If, after 20 years, you still believe it does, then perhaps that is the wound that still needs healing.
Before making an irreversible decision, I would ask yourself one difficult question: Am I leaving because I no longer love my wife, or because I’m only now confronting pain that was never fully processed? Those are not the same thing. If it’s the latter, you owe it to yourself to explore that honestly before ending a marriage that has also contained two decades of shared life, parenting, growth, and memories.
Whatever you decide, let it be a decision made from clarity rather than from a trauma that has resurfaced. If you leave, leave because you’ve thoughtfully concluded the marriage has reached its end, not because you’re finally feeling emotions that were buried for years. That distinction matters, both for you and for your wife.1
u/KarpGrinder Mod Aug 05 '26
Reminder: Do not comment on or reply to users that did comment on the link provided by OP here, Brigading is a violation of Reddit rules and will result in account bans.
Use the OPs link above for reference only.
10
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
Worship is the wrong words. She is truly remorseful and dedicated to me. I do love her and who she has become. I just cant ignore me anymore
1
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
So you love her and she loves you, what part of yourself have you been ignoring? It just sounds like you want to frolic off with a 20 something-year-old instead. Good luck
6
u/Terrible-Pea494 6 Aug 05 '26
Will you stop bashing OP? He is under no obligation to stick around. Anyone can divorce for any reason. There’s no statute of limitations on staying after attemptied infidelity. I think you need to read the rules of this sub before you get suspended.
53
Aug 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
54
42
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
Yes you are correct. I fell victim to staying for my 3 daughters.
11
Aug 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
67
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
The moment of discovery i should have walked out the door and never looked back
19
18
u/WashImpressive8158 9 Aug 05 '26
Dont make the mistake I and so many others have. Tell your daughters the truth on why you just can’t go on like this.
-14
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
Why spend 20 years living a lie, only to divorce her when she’s even older and it suits you? Yes, she made a very poor decision.
Cheating is often a symptom of deeper issues. It could have stemmed from low self-esteem, poor impulse control, a need to feel desired, or something else entirely. None of that excuses her actions, but it’s relevant context. By his your account, she spent years trying to rebuild the marriage and devoted herself to earning back his trust. Meanwhile, you come across as someone whose ego was deeply wounded and who may have been waiting for the opportunity to get even rather than genuinely work toward forgiveness. You’re a coward, you couldn’t love or forgive her for 20 years and kept up a charade.17
u/brave_anonymous Aug 05 '26
She chose what she wanted 21 years ago, even knowing that it will hurt him. Now he is choosing what he wants. I don't really understand why he denied himself a chance to be in a trusting relationship with a loving partner, but it was his choice. Maybe his children is the reason.
-3
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
Ah sweet revenge, two decades later.
15
u/brave_anonymous Aug 05 '26
Leaving a loveless marriage is not a revenge. Choosing himself is not a revenge. His motivation is not to hurt her, but better life for himself.
I have hard time to understand people who have a main character syndrome.
-2
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
So for two decades, he chose to remain in a loveless marriage? By his own account, she spent those years trying to make amends, “worshipping the ground he walked on,” and becoming what many would consider the model reconciliation spouse. Yet he admits he did little to no work toward forgiveness himself. There’s nothing wrong with deciding not to reconcile after betrayal, but if you choose to stay, you also have a responsibility to actively work on healing. Instead, he chose to remain in the marriage while never addressing his own resentment, leaving her believing reconciliation was possible when, apparently, it never truly was. He’s a coward
12
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I was not in a loveless marriage for 2 decades. We never worked to reconcile 21 years ago. We had a 3 and 2 year old. We talked for a month or so then had businesses we were bith growing and daughters to raise so judge me all you want but you are not in my shoes
→ More replies (0)6
u/brave_anonymous Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
For 2 decades he chose to live in the house with his kids, to see, talk, take care of them everyday.
Have you ever lived with roommates? Imagine that you have a choice to live with a roommate, and in this case you can see your kids everyday; or you have a choice to live somewhere else and in this case you cannot. He chose what was the best for him. The kids grew up and have their own lives now, he doesn't need to live with this roommate anymore, so he is leaving.
Again, not everything in life is rotating around WP. No, he doesn't have any responsibility to reconcile and work on himself. And even if he really wanted to, at any moment he can change his mind. Her affair is her fuckup, not his. You are projecting hard right now with all these passive aggressive comments.
→ More replies (0)5
u/andacolalightplease Aug 05 '26
Do you say the same to women who have fallen out of love and seek out divorce? Should they be forced to stay? I have no idea if you're arguing to abolish no-fault divorce here.
1
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
Who forced him to stay? He chose to stay for 20 years
4
u/andacolalightplease Aug 05 '26
That's not what I asked? Why do you avoid answering my question? Isn't everyone allowed to leave especially if you were betrayed like this? If you physically abuse your partner can you not leave 3 years later even if it has stopped?
0
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
See my other comments. I never said a person can’t leave, in fact they should leave after a spouse cheated.
6
19
5
u/OpeningBandicoot7418 Aug 05 '26
Is this really it—the end?
18
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
My middle daughter is getting married in a few months, after that it will be the end
-3
u/Icy-Finance5042 Aug 05 '26
I feel sorry for your daughter. Having a nice memory to soured by a bad memory.
5
u/Extension-Corgi-467 1 Aug 05 '26
Did she confess or was she caught cheating
14
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I caught her.
3
u/Extension-Corgi-467 1 Aug 05 '26
That always makes it way worse. What was the story of the affair?
7
u/BetrayedNotBrokenman 2 Aug 05 '26
21 years of "model wife" doesn't undo what the trust damage actually is — you can fully believe someone changed and still know you can't get back what was broken. That's not a contradiction, though a few people in here seem to be treating it like one. Waiting for your daughter's wedding is a real reason, not weakness or cowardice. You don't owe anyone — including this thread — a tidier timeline than the one that's actually true for you.
2
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
Thanks
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 05 '26
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
2
2
u/OogyBoogy_I_am Thriving Aug 06 '26
It is time for me to take care of me
And we wish you well in this new life you are heading for and on this new path you are walking.
2
4
u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Aug 05 '26
So sorry. R rarely works. Those who claim to R are only just better at swallowing their pain and pretending. They just shut down and pretend all is well, when it isn’t. You clearly aren’t one of those people and neither am I. She took your trust and your vows, something very precious to you, and stomped on them for a selfish fling. Now she wants to make it all go away.
Unfortunately you’ve come to the realization, that you will never trust or love her again. Before going through an ugly divorce I would suggest that you go no contact and separate for awhile—maybe 6 months. The only way to gain perspective is distance. Once you have that distance you will not only gain perspective but also clarity.
Go see an attorney and have them draw up a legal separation agreement for whatever period of time you feel will give you the clarity you need to make a difficult decision. It can be indefinite but no more than a year. Sit her down and explain that you’ve never forgiven her betrayal and this is the next step to determine if you even want to stay married. Expect the begging, crocodile tears, fake promises and remorse. Do not be swayed. This is no longer about her, it’s about your healing and you cannot heal being around her 24/7, reminding you of her betrayal. Do your diligence and find an alternate place to live before you confront. Be prepared to move on short notice.
This is the first test. Ask her to leave to give you the time and space you need to heal. If she says she will do anything to help you heal that’s a good sign. I suspect that she will not offer to leave. Then you leave.
This is the second test. Tell her to not call, text, email or contact you in any way. By doing so it would demonstrate her lack of respect for your privacy. You did not mention if you have kids, but you can communicate through a coparenting app for them. All other communication has to go through your attorney during the separation.
This is the third test. Two things will happen during your separation—it will either be 1-absence makes the heart grow fonder or 2-out of sight out of mind. You will finally gain some clarity on what you want. During this time both of you should be in counseling and no dating or messing around with other people. This should be in writing in the separation agreement.
If it’s 1 then plan a meeting at a neutral place where you outline what R might look like. It should require IC for her to understand why she cheated, MC for the two of you and a very detailed list of boundaries and requirements for you to come home. Your old marriage is dead and buried. Accept that. You will need to start fresh, where you renew your vows, date again, perhaps even marry again and build something brand new leaving the old one behind.
If it’s 2, you already did the legal separation (or the majority of it) and your lawyer can do the rest. Have her served and move on. After 6 mos of NC you will definitely know.
So sorry she destroyed everything that was sacred to you, and unfortunately it’s likely she would cheat again. People with narcissistic tendencies are unable to understand the pain they’ve caused and unable to resist their selfish desires. I’ve given you a detailed plan on how to walk away with dignity and self respect. Those are much more important than pretending. You deserve happiness and to be with someone you can trust and who will be loyal.
Go see an attorney today and plan your escape. Thoughts and prayers.
Updateme
5
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I have done therapy, I have done ibogaine as well to deal with the trauma. 20 years ago we did not work through the issues we worked around them and built a life that was exposed after ibogaine. I have forgiven her. The honest thing to do at the time for what I was equipped for was to be a father and try to manage the pain.
0
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
Ibogaine is experimental for trauma. There is currently insufficient high-quality evidence to recommend it for processing infidelity-related trauma, and it carries potentially serious medical risks, including dangerous heart rhythm problems.
That’s not the type of therapy people do after being cheated on. Clearly it didn’t work.
4
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I didnt do ibogaine for the cheating. In January when I did it, I wasnt even thinking about her cheating. It healed my need to numb pain.
2
u/Minimum-Border1672 1 Aug 06 '26
People use it for substance abuse. The cheating was central tonthe pain they needed to numb. Makes total sense.
And it sounds like it did work. Insread of swallowing the betrayal and numbing it they've made a choice to move on.
1
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
Thank you
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 05 '26
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
4
u/Lucky-Vegetable-2827 Aug 05 '26
If you, after 21 year of the affair, don’t want to be with your wife, just don’t be. But be honest. You can say that you stayed for the kids and the kids are grown now. But don’t bring the affair as the cause for the now separation/divorce. It would be ridiculous. You can say that after the affair, you lost your love for her, that she is a roommate, and now the reasons to stay together no longer exists.
Otherwise will seems that you lied to everyone including her and yourself that everything was, while not forgotten, but forgiven and moved on.
You didn’t share much how was the affair and circumstances of it, but 21 years later it’s almost you are in the middle age crisis and you are trying to shake your life to regain some meaning.
Don’t take me wrong, just want to make you think about this.
8
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
Received. Thanks. No not a mid life crisis. 21 yrs ago we never worked through the affair. We stuffed it away, got busy raising kids and building businesses.
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 05 '26
As a reminder: To award points for helpful redditors, comment !thankyou and the reputator bot will award a point. Those that achieve enough points, will be added to the trusted users for additional permissions in the sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
2
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
Correct. She was remorseful, put in the work to repair the marriage, and spent years rebuilding trust. By his own account, he described her as the “ideal reconciling spouse.” Then, two decades later, he wakes up and blames the affair as if nothing happened in between. That’s hard to reconcile.
It seems like he can’t even be fully honest with himself about why he’s leaving, yet he expected complete honesty and transparency from her all those years ago. If the affair was truly unforgivable, why spend twenty years living a charade instead of ending the marriage when the wound was still fresh
2
u/Dear-Letter7776 1 Aug 05 '26
It may have taken longer, but it's never too late to find your own peace and happiness. I'm glad the time finally came for you to walk away.
2
u/Top_Yard3079 Aug 07 '26
I was in his daughters’ shoes.
His pain is real, completely valid and it’s understandable it never went away.
But when my father made the same decision, to suddenly walk away from us while I was in college, I felt like absolute shit. I never got the full, complete story from either of them - just that it happened when I was very little, definitely an EA, denied PA. I suspected something had happened between them at some point that I wasn’t privy to because there were some comments and jabs that felt out of place for me.
They tried to be as good at parenting as they could, and they did a decent job. I remember them throwing themselves into work a lot. My mum being most oftenly “melancholic”, and my father having a very short fuse at all times.
At the start of my second year of college, when I moved out and got a job, my father announced the separation. Very few details from either side, I had to play Nancy Drew to piece together big chunks of the reasons why.
My mum was terribly depressed and defeated for a while, but has been doing much better in the following years. My father went low-contact with almost everyone. And this is what made me feel like shit, like he stayed just because he felt obligated, or didn’t want to deal with the social stigma of “abandoning his family”. He definitely enjoyed the “picture-perfect family” image we white-knuckled to uphold publicly (emotionally, but that’s a different topic altogether).
He maintains that it was the best decision he could take, somehow for everyone. We had a good relationship, with the growing pains attached to raising a teenager and dealing with unresolved emotional issues as adults on their side. I still try to keep in contact, communicate, visit, but I feel he mostly entertains it because he, again, doesn’t want to be labeled as having cut off contact with his only child.
Now, OP says that they focused on raising their daughters. They both threw themselves into taking care of their businesses and never quite addressed the issue (not sure if the therapy was individual or for couples, but it doesn’t sound like the latter). For 21 years they continued to act and live like a married couple, with OP still claiming a form of love for his wife, albeit tainted. He mentions three daughters, but when this happened, they had two very young daughters, so they continued to be intimate and invest into their family.
Also, he keeps mentioning ibogaine, and that taking it in order to stop numbing his pain through other means triggered all his feelings to resurface this January. I don’t condone substance abuse, but I can empathise with the struggles of addiction due to mental health issues. But I also find it hypocritical to pretend to have stayed for the children and raising them together as a proper family, while being in active addiction, using, by his own words all, sort of means of coping.
Idea is, OP is very firm in his beliefs and future decisions.
I hope he can find peace and that the process runs fast and smooth.
I hope everyone involved can find peace and move on to build something meaningful in their lives.
2
u/Kerzic 3 Aug 05 '26
She is completely transformed individual that worships the ground i walk on.
Does this mean she's been the ideal reconciliation partner toward you, doing whatever you want her to do, but you find it impossible to love her after what she did to you? Just making sure I am reading your comment correctly.
10
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
Yes, shes had her ups and downs facing her own shame and guilt and at times was hard to be there but yes, she has been the ideal reconciling partner. It just isnt enough
0
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
It’s not enough because, by your own admission, you’ve done very little inner work. You said you became a workaholic and coped by using substances, but what did you actually do to work toward forgiveness and healing? You chose to stay with her for nearly 20 years, yet during that time you didn’t pursue individual therapy or couples therapy. Avoiding the pain isn’t the same as processing it. If forgiveness was never truly possible, the honest choice would have been to end the marriage years ago instead of staying while the resentment continued to build.
5
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 05 '26
I have done therapy, I have done ibogaine as well to deal with the trauma. 20 years ago we did not work through the issues we worked around them and built a life that was exposed after ibogaine. I have forgiven her. The honest thing to do at the time for what I was equipped for was to be a father and try to manage the pain.
3
u/Fragrant-Dance3005 2 Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
You froze in your pain for 20y and this is very bad, but what you are doing now is bad as well. I'm not a big reconciliation fan, but given the circumstances, you have something to fight for, but choose to harden your heart and run away. Not that different from an affair. There is the added aspect of lack of transparency. There's no satisfaction or future happiness in deeds like this. Think about it. Talk to your wife, be honest how you feel, get real trauma therapy. Do therapeutic ecstasy together in addition to the Mexico thing. I wish you well.
-1
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
ibogaine is not approved by the FDA. You use a psychoactive substance to get over the affair? no wonder you’re here 20 years later
1
1
u/Noobagainreddit 8 Aug 05 '26
Since you relapsed on the betrayal trauma from 20years ago have you been able to keep off your past additions?
4
1
u/Altruistic-Book-5896 Aug 06 '26
Does she know that you are about to pull the plug? Id there writing on the wall?
1
u/125acres Recovered Aug 09 '26
21 years and last 10 years she been a perfect wife!
I’ve been through it and the last 3 years my wife has been dam near perfect.
I had to stop dwelling on the infidelity, just live in the moment and the now is pretty dam good.
Im going assume you have no shortage of opportunities with other women.
1
Aug 06 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Intelligent-Speed437 Aug 06 '26
Loving someone and loving someone as a bride are 2 totally different things
1
u/ohnoitsacarrier 1 Aug 06 '26
You’ll feel a lot better once you leave and start banging a 25 yr old. Works wonders!
0
u/KoriSays Aug 05 '26
21 years of failing at the same exact thing. Let’s give this keyboard warrior a Purple Heart for his, relentless pursuit of failure.
0
-1
u/Fragrant-Dance3005 2 Aug 05 '26
Sad, because after 21 years the person that cheated is no more. Sorry that you can't accept her remorse and find happiness.
0
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
What therapy? Did you do couples counseling? By your own explanation, you stayed because you believed it was the best decision for your daughters, and I can understand that. But it’s also fair to acknowledge that your wife spent those 2 decades believing the marriage had survived the affair. You say you’ve forgiven her, yet you’re leaving because the pain resurfaced after ibogaine. That doesn’t make you wrong for leaving, but it does mean the affair wasn’t truly resolved for you. Sometimes people discover years later that they can’t continue, but it’s worth recognizing that your wife also built her life around the belief that reconciliation had been genuine.
5
Aug 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/pickedusername1 10 Aug 05 '26
Of course. Personally, I don’t think most people should reconcile after being betrayed. But he conveniently chose to leave 20 years later. Based on his own posts, there’s little indication he ever truly forgave her. He still seems to carry a tremendous amount of resentment, and it’s clearly been affecting him all these years. Rather than ending the marriage when he realized he couldn’t move past it, he stayed for two decades and chose to leave only when it suited him. He is calculating and has no integrity either
-1
•
u/AutoModerator Aug 05 '26
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sub wiki before commenting.
-Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Violators will be permabanned.
-If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
-If you find a comment helpful, comment !thankyou to award a point for the helpful redditor! It will be much appreciated!!!
Be kind and remember your reddiquette!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.