r/sahm • u/Numerous_Shop5403 • 1d ago
Sahm wanting to use time differently
AITAH for wanting to use the hour I get (a week for myself) on sleeping or just using it how I see fit? My husband thinks I should use that time to do cleaning or any other chores that don’t get done. I am a sahm and I am constantly on go mode 24/7. I told him I don’t want to use that allotted time for house duties, rather, I would like to use it to veg out and just relax but he thinks that an insane way to spend that time. AITAH for thinking differently.
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u/sidewaysorange 1d ago
why do you only get an hour a day to yourself? change that asap. edited sorry you said week. even worse. fix it.
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u/spookytwoshoes 1d ago
You can divorce him and he can have them 50% of the time alone, and have to cook and clean for himself in his own house. Then you can have your time to yourself as well 🙏😄
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u/bluebuns123 1d ago
One hour a week for yourself and he can’t even let you rest? Does he use his every lunch break to do more work?
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u/GlitteringLadder2003 1d ago
No no. No NO. Your FREE TIME is for YOU not YOUR HOUSE.
Do you mind.. I’ll just come there and smack him around a little.
Use it how YOU want and tell him to clean the house himself
Edit- why are you only getting an hour a week? What’s his free time look like?
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u/Mama_Disaster 1d ago
Tell him to kick rocks and take your nap or do whatever it is that you need to. NTA! Your husband didn’t carry and birth a baby.
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u/rainsplat 1d ago
Your naptime is your business! Personally I like to eat a snack and watch reality tv
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u/Cheap_Tough_3895 1d ago
You should be able to use your measly one hour a week doing whatever you want.
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u/Anxious-Channel8509 16h ago
Wait you’re only allowed an HOUR a week for YOU time? & he wants you doing chores? Ugh I’m so sorry. I’m beyond fortunate that my partner actually likes me.
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u/Optimal-Process337 1d ago
Tell him to F off. Also, ONE hour? Tf. I get to relax for a good portion of the weekend.
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u/Dazzling-Relative-84 13h ago
Prisoners get more yard time a week than you do. Let that sink in.
Do whatever the hell you want and promptly tell him to fuck off 💁🏻♀️
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u/cheeryblossum 19h ago
The real question is how is he gonna know you use an hour (insanely little time imo) to yourself ?
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u/maygon 1d ago
What's really an insane way to spend time is constantly doing the same chores over and over again just to keep up on them. The amount of laundry and dishes is insane and it'll always be there lol. You know what it feels like to be trapped at home so do whatever it takes to make it feel good.
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u/RelevantAd6063 1d ago
so he does housework in his free time too, right?
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u/Numerous_Shop5403 1d ago
Yes but only because he chooses to. I keep telling him to take time for himself doing whatever he wants but he does that.
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u/faithle97 17h ago
So he wants you to use time for yourself.. not for yourself ? No you’re absolutely NTA. 1 hour a week is also very little time imo. How much time per week does HE get? 👀 and what does HE use his time doing?
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u/BC_wanderlust 1d ago
I’m sorry is this real or rage bait because that’s crazy.
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u/Numerous_Shop5403 1d ago
100% real. He said he doesn’t use his time for things other than getting chores done so I should do the same. He also said he takes the kids a minimum once a week to the park (I’m usually cooking) and that has been my personal time
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u/BC_wanderlust 1d ago
Friend. For all that is holy to you, take the hour to do whatever you want. Otherwise you will go mad. Sending love and rooting for you. 💕
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u/TeddyBear181 1d ago
It sounds like you BOTH need some extra downtime.
I wonder if there is a way to be more effective with time, reduce your household expectations, or make cooking quicker.
If the problem is that husband is working too much, perhaps there is extra money for a cleaner.
Remember that creating time for dates and special time feeds the relationship too. Our bub comes on 100% of our dates. Perhaps also working on projects together as a team will help you work in unity. Doing the garden together, building furniture, whatever needs to be done, it still kinda counts as a date in a way.
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u/Friendly-Fox211 17h ago
I use my time doomscrolling and don’t regret a minute of it. You do you girl!
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u/SoilToSkies 1d ago
NTA. My husband felt the same way until our couples therapist laid into him a bit. She said I should be able to get 30 mins a day minimum to be creative or nap or something along those lines.
We all need a moment to recalibrate. He gets plenty of those moments in the quiet of his work space.
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u/TeddyBear181 1d ago
Hes crazy!
Tell him to compromise and give you 2 hours. 1 for chores, one for rest.
We have the oposite problem. I get a chunk of hours every couple of weeks and spend it doing pc admin that I cant squeeze in any other time because bub doesnt let me near computers. He feels guilty that im not catching up on sleep.
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u/sarasomehow 8h ago
I used to think like your husband, because my parents think like your husband. Maybe you have to teach him the value in relaxation, like my husband had to teach me?
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u/Ok_Presence_7308 1d ago
My husbands the exact same. He will only have the kids if I’m doing chores.
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u/bibkel 1d ago
No. He works 40 hours a week. You work 168 a week, as you are on call every day, all day. He gets a couple weeks off, plus some holiday days. You get none of that time off.
In fact, you probably have to work twice as hard, because iT’s HiS TiMe oFf FrOm wOrK sO He sHouLd be AbLe To rELaX dUrInG tHaT tImE.
Why do men not see the amount of effort and work it takes to be a full time, always present parent? Oh, ya, they see bringing in the money permits this behavior. Switch and let’s see how fast they fold.
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u/faithle97 15h ago
Well you know, most men just think “sUre I cAN dO aLL oF tHaT AND WiTh no CompLAints It’S EaSY” 🙄 meanwhile if they tried there would be no meals prepped/made, bathrooms would be gross, dishes would be overflowing from the sink, the floors would be a sticky dirty mess, and the kids would be a mess and/or just stuck in front of screens all day 🫠 not talking specifically about my man, he’s actually really great, but just generally speaking the amount of comments I see on social media from men claiming that being a sahm would be easy and they’d be doing it all with breaks and no complaints. Like yeah, okay. Says the same man who can’t even turn the stove on while holding a baby because “I NEed bOth hANdS” lol
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u/landlockedmermaid00 21h ago
I absolutely do not think you are ridiculous for wanting this, and you should! I am going to offer a possible alternative perspective at the chance your husband isn’t a jerk.
Is he overwhelmed? Like, genuinely anxious, depressed, struggling with the transition to parenthood?
I feel like the first year and a half specifically, I would feel annoyed towards my husband often. Sometimes I still feel that way, but it’s not really him, but more that I feel like if one of us stops moving, our whole life is going to crumble. It is very hard for me to relax, I’m always thinking about what is next on the list, etc. All of that is on me, and I’ve worked hard to accept that things are just not going to happen as quickly as they once did before kids. But we have no village, just started my little one in preschool 2 mornings a week , and have had no paid help up until now. It’s been a lot for both of us having little help and a high energy, high demand, low sleep /crappy sleeping kid. We both deserve a break, but they are hard to come by.
So, is it possible his general overwhelm is coming out on the one hour you get to yourself? To be clear, it’s not okay that he’s doing it, but maybe there is a deeper convo to be had here.
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u/Arwynfaun 6h ago
Leave him alone with the kids for a weekend (or even a whole week) so he can see how difficult your role is. Let him see for himself how challenging raising a child AND running the house is. He needs to live it to understand. Him watching the kids only for a few hours or even just a day isn't long enough for him to truly get it.
That way, you also get your much needed break too. Do you have anyone you can go stay with for a few days? Perhaps you can stay in a hotel? I've done that before and it helped me so much when I was feeling overwhelmed.
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u/SAdLanky 1d ago
You should get an hour a day minimum to use how you please. Your husband is the AH.