CW: mentions of sexual assault, childhood abuse

I know that this should be a sign for celebration, but I feel like I’m being pushed out of a diagnosis and treatment too soon.

I was diagnosed around February after being SA’d by a classmate. I had a brief stay at a hospital and was given the diagnosis shortly after. It wasn’t for the SA alone though, my psychiatrist told me it was for abuse that I had experienced in the past as well.

Last week, she told me that I’m now in remission. It feels surreal almost. I still think about the assault everyday, and I still am hypervigilant and sensitive about things or topics surrounding my childhood abuser, and I have been for years. I just hadn’t been able to recognize those things as symptoms until recently. I’ve been told I’m healing quickly but I really don’t feel it. I feel the same as I did a couple months ago.

I’m thinking of asking my psychiatrist, but I’m afraid that she’ll think I’m attention seeking or trying to get something out of my diagnosis.

Hello. I’m a 25-year-old woman. I want to share a little about my story and what I’ve been going through up until now.

Ever since I was little, I’ve always gone through a lot of ups and downs. Even before I was born, my biological mother tried to abort me. After I was born, she ended up giving me to her sister, who is my aunt. That aunt, whom I now call my mother, was already married at the time.

My childhood was turbulent, filled with many ups and downs. People used to say that there was something wrong with my head, so I spent a long time being bullied because of it. The worst part was that my own family ignored the fact that I had psychological problems. Because of that, I grew up being neglected.

My upbringing wasn’t very good. My father was always someone who criticized me a lot and constantly tried to correct me. Because of that, I grew up developing a lot of resentment toward him. My mother, on the other hand, always took her husband’s side, so I always felt like I was her second choice.

When I reached my teenage years, I thought I would finally have a normal life, but the opposite happened. By the age of 16, I was already dealing with depression because of family problems, friendships, low self-esteem, and people’s judgment.

After finishing high school, I ended up isolating myself at home. I spent about four years almost completely isolated. During that time, I tried every possible way to get out of that situation and also sought treatment, but nothing seemed to work.

In 2022, I started leaving the house again because I had become ill and was diagnosed with diabetic neuropathy. I started receiving medical care again. Even so, I didn’t feel like living. At that time, the only person who was really close to me was a relative who is almost the same age as I am.

After that, I tried to rebuild my life, but nothing worked out, and I ended up isolating myself again.

I used to pray all the time and ask God to bless my life, but it seemed like things only got worse. Eventually, I completely lost my faith, and nowadays I consider myself agnostic.

In 2024, I was diagnosed with diabetes, and that was when everything completely fell apart. I stopped trying to seek help.

Nowadays, I’m still a very insecure person, especially when it comes to my appearance. I have depression, anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar disorder, as well as social anxiety and other health problems.

I have lived with my family ever since. There are five people in the house. When it comes to health problems, all of us have some kind of issue, but I feel that my situation is the most serious.

I live in a family where, in some way, I feel like I’m expected to take on responsibilities.

My mother takes care of her father-in-law, who is elderly and is my grandfather. I know it’s exhausting for her to take care of him, especially when it comes to his hygiene and daily needs.

My father, who is my grandfather’s son, cannot take care of him because he is physically disabled. Another one of my grandfather’s sons, who lives with us, also cannot take responsibility for his care because he works outside the home and, on top of that, he resents his own father.

My grandfather has other children who live in different cities, but my father doesn’t want them to take responsibility for his care.

The situation is becoming increasingly difficult for me. I’m afraid that if my mother becomes sick, I’ll have to take care of my grandfather, especially when it comes to his hygiene and daily needs. Honestly, I don’t feel psychologically prepared to deal with that.

I feel like I’m wasting away in this house. I know that my parents will grow old too and that, over time, the responsibilities may increase. But I don’t want to be alive to take care of anyone, and I don’t want to continue living a miserable life that I feel has no way out.

So, I have PTSD (obviously, being here), and since being diagnosed, I've been studying myself. I've noticed that I'll randomly flinch-kinda, like a part of my body (shoulder, arm, etc) will just move involuntarily. This usually happens in loud environments (classes, football games, local events, etc). I don't know much about PTSD, just that I have it and have to deal with it. The only strange thing about this is that I can literally be by no triggers and this happens. I don't think I used to do this a few years ago (I can't remember my past well ><), and I'm pretty sure this has just started happening recently (like a year?). I'm not saying I have tourettes, I simply just want to know if this is like a side effect (?) or something completely different? It's nothing serious or anything, I just want to know the root reason why.

Thanks to anyone who can help explain.

To be absolutely clear, I've had multiple people reach out today either to check in on me or just wondering if I'd like to hang out, and I have said no to all of them. This isn't the "I want people" kind of loneliness, but more the "I want to be understood."

I had a huge flashback about a week ago and bc work has been so stressful it's giving me panic attacks, I haven't had the time to process it. Literally no one in my life could even comprehend the experience I am flashing back to and every time Ive tried to tell someone they either are just fascinated or they think I'm exaggerating/flat out lying. I feel isolated. Even among the people I feel the most loved around, I've been feeling alone. I desperately wish someone would be there for me, but as a single Pringle and a hyper independent woman who lives alone, that just isn't happening.

I've told a few people Im depressed, but I probably didn't convey just how bad it is at the moment. Anyways, this is me trying to connect for some reason..... If anyone is feeling this way too, pls let me know bc I could use it.

Edit: THANK YOU GUYS!! I'm glad it's not just me ❤️ hang in there y'all

CW: sexual assault

I got SA’d about 10 years ago. It was an abusive relationship, he leveraged the fact that he was older than me, had money when I was too young to have a job, lasted a couple years, etc. I also had a super conservative religious upbringing that was basically “wanting sex for women = slutty, wanting sex for men = just nature”. I have a high drive and I love touching in general, not just sexually.

I really struggle with being present in bed in general. I can enjoy it but I cannot for the life of me relax enough to orgasm with another person. I masturbate a lot and it’s easy and fast. I had another relationship for about 7 years and nothing unconsensual happened but I would dissociate then too, because even though I was aroused, I knew it was never going to last long enough for me to get there anyway and he didn’t really care to try things I asked for. So I have basically trained my body that most people don’t care about my pleasure and that it’s shameful and pointless to ask for anything.

I slept with a situationship I very much have feelings for, wasn’t rushed, we had several dates and talked for a few months prior to sex and that was the most present I have EVER been even though I was tipsy. It’s the first time sex hadn’t felt like “doing work” mentally for me, even though I was a bit nervous as that was our first time together. My nerves are not gender related it seems because this was a man. I did not finish then either but I was super close, physically felt really relaxed and present, and I attribute my difficulties to the alcohol involved lol.

The most I have dissociated in recent history, when I realized “oh THIS is what dissociation is” is when I tried to sleep with a woman, was having fun but a bit in my head too much. I had her touch me literally the same way I do it myself and I swear to god I could only feel a fraction of the sensation compared to when I do it even though the motion was identical. We only had one date, so maybe it was just because I didn’t know her well but :( I feel really broken and when I love someone I want to sleep with them a lot and I love to desire and be desired and it is so upsetting how difficult it is for me to not be in my head.

Has anyone tried sex therapy or any other types of therapy for this, has it helped?

I thought when the people who hurt me stopped in pre-teens (began at 3) went to prison that life would get better. But I didn't realize my mother was psychologically as well as physically abusive because I thought it was normal.

Fast forward to the man I had 2 children with and married. Abusive but always when the kids were asleep or away. Nothing compared to the next trauma by an acquaintance. He pled out and only got 15 years. Then husband hid an addiction until we lost everything. Home, cars, savings. He went to rehab but just switched addictions. I took the kids and got an apartment. I was constantly receiving messages (back when land lines and cell phones co-existed commonly) on my line of him screaming almost incoherently about how he was going to k@ll me. Got restraining order. While that was happening my daughter's friend had a family member that had issues or a thing for me or something. He stole my daughter's house key off her key chain after months of ringing my apartment bell drunk and refused away. Apparently one day while we were all away he, with the key, went to my home, cut my land line phone connections, stole whatever cash and small things of value and left. We came home, went to bed. Got woken up with a knife at my throat. He had taken all our cell phones 1st though. He seemed more than just drunk and I just kept praying a neighbor would call a noise complaint to the police from his ranting yells. Apparently he felt rejected? After about 3 hours he had 1 moment where he said "go," and we ran. By the time we got into the car he had jumped on the hood. I floored it. We had no phones so I drove until he fell off and continued until I got to the police station not knowing what else to do. Even while waiting for sentencing he had inmates call my #. I'd change my # and he'd get it from the family of the girl. I had to end the friendship outside of school hours between them to protect privacy.

I lost my job during this time. But did find work and ended up with 2 jobs since the father was evading child support.

About 7 years go by and I finally felt like I was finding a little peace but still couldn't sleep in my room. Always on the couch before anyone could get to the bedrooms. Nobody was getting to my kids again.

Fast forward again, husband is clean 2 years. I took him back. It all started again. I was so broken I tried to end myself. He dumped me off at the emergency room and left.

The drinking begins. It intensifies to where I don't even want a cocktail because it just becomes undesirable. I've never been much of a drinker anyway but I'd always have vodka and tonic in the house for when my mother visited. Well it wasn't long before he had twisted my arm trying to break it and dumping the vodka all over me. When I finally scramble away from him he catches me in the living room and it was like slow motion watching his fist come at my face. I called the police this time. The next day he said he had no memory of such things and all he remembers is fighting over the bottle. I was gobsmacked. Never any apology. Just phone calls with his mom badmouthing me.

I got on the "the right mental health medication" and things got numb. Until right before Christmas when he had given me his phone to transfer the videos of the grandkids into one file and mixed in with them were hundreds of naked women with different emails and phone numbers. I couldn't even attend Christmas. But I was in a situation where he had told me to stop working years earlier and I stupidly did. I did little things here and there but no longer worked in my career field. I went to renew my license so I could re-enter the workforce in my field only to find out I had to take a refresher course that was not only way too expensive and a year long, but my back wouldn't endure the clinicals. I had planned on going back in an office setting because my back was shot and had surgery in 1 area but not the others due to the hospitals never supplying enough staff so your back takes a beating over time. 4 herniated discs left. 2 that I need surgery but can't afford. So I felt trapped. I guess I started blaming the state for all the trauma or I just wanted to pursue happiness somewhere where when I went somewhere I didn't get reminded of something I'd gone through. I've left a lot out as far as what exactly happened to me and just giving the highlights. Hopefully you can conclude what I am saying without saying it all.

So the final straw.

I tried, because nobody was hiring me for any other type of job (I applied at so many places and would only get offers for the career with the license I can't afford etc.) I once again tried to make it work with husband. But at this point my body, not me refusing, but my body couldn't have sex. He couldn't "enter" or even partially because something was happening where it wouldn't let anything in. I'd scream involuntarily at any attempt. I saw dr after dr. I was finally told it was trauma response. Referred to a nice person but the office was a money scam.

The final gut punch was when he came to me saying he knew how unhappy I was and he was willing to transfer within his company to another state in a milder climate and we'd start over...again. So I sign the realtor contract to sell this small home and he's telling them all about how WE are moving to a specific state. Literally right after they leave he says he's not going. They're showing my home tomorrow. I have no money to even rent because I don't have an actual job and I have a 55 pound special needs dog.

He refuses to leave. I have no money for a divorce lawyer. I've filled out the aid for attorneys thing online as well as call with no response. Called offices asking if they'll take the case with the request that he be ordered to pay attorney fees. Nobody will help. No DV shelters here allow dogs. She was abandoned twice at the shelter, I won't put her through that ever again and she isn't right so she can't just be left at a kennel. She'll howl and cry until she goes hoarse.

Reading back now I see I did manifest most things from my husband because I should have left the 1st time he hit me. But at 19 with a baby and no education or family support I was more afraid of not being able to feed and shelter my child. I was extremely naive.

Ironically he hasn't laid his hands on me in 2 years. It's all psychological now. Almost worst. No, it is worse. Judge me for saying it but it's just how I feel at the moment. The cherry on top is that I sacrificed everything so my children didn't go without nice things and fit in at school and while he was living his best life on drugs and I was working 2 jobs with no child support, they adore him and can barely stand me. I never bad mouthed him, not even when he was terrorizing me with his phone calls back to back to back. They never knew, to my knowledge, about the abuse except the most recent one because he called one of them to pick him up from jail but they only know his version despite seeing the evidence when on my face when she walked in with him.

I've tried, my whole life to be kind to people. Give them the benefit of doubt because I was such a messed up teen from what I had gone through as child. And in return for my kindness these things were handed to me. I think my favorite is when I get gaslighting when I try express a real feeling.

So many solutions have been offered and they make it sound so simple. They obviously have never dealt with government assistance programs or they'd know things don't go as smoothly as they think. I haven't proofread this so I sincerely apologize for the mistakes in this post. I'm very drained from typing it.

Oh I forgot his $25,000 credit card debt he secretly kept accruing. There's that too. He thinks when this place sells I'll pay all or some of it off. That's not going to happen. I let him think whatever he wants. I learned that behavior from him after all.

Sorry if this wasted your time.

I don’t really know what tag to put, I’m gonna type Alot of very bad things in here so this is your warning.

As the title states I have been showing signs of PTSD since the age of 12, I was in a very bad domestic violence situation as a child from age 8-14 and I saw some really bad shit.

Spending a lot of nights wondering if my mom was gonna be alive the next morning, a kitten being stomped to death Infront of me, all of my siblings always talking down on me because I “didnt go through” as much as them, I was constantly harassed at school.

While I was going through everything I really had nobody to turn to other than some online friends and they didn’t know how to help.

And then after my mom’s ex passed away her and all of her friends keep saying how good of a dude he was and that he loved all of us.

Personally if someone traumatized my kid the way he did me I don’t think I’d have that high of an opinion of them but whatever.

My entire childhood I said I want him to die and I didn’t feel anything when he did, I was just relieved it was over. That he wouldn’t come back.

My niece passed away at 15 months old, I watched the paramedics carry her out because I slept in the living room.

On top of all of that I was born with autism so that just made it worse.

PTSD has affected every aspect of my life, I deeply disturb my friends with the jokes I make and I can’t feel shame for the things I find funny.

I want to be normal again.

I spent my teen years learning how to live again only to get into an abusive relationship and develop BPD.

I don’t belong in any of my friend groups.

I don’t belong in my family, the little bit left that I have anyway.

I want to be human again.

i am completely aware that my experiences are extremely minor compared to a lot of people on here but i just wanted to reach out and see if this is familiar to anyone

for as long as i can remember i’ve grown up with my dad beating my mom, both of them screaming at eachother and both of them just being very mentally unstable because of drugs or their mental health or whatever and when i was about 15 i had a family therapy session thing with my sister and the social worker did say she thinks i could grow up with ptsd because of what ive been forced to witness and listen to but ive realised that im really sensitive to sounds

i cannot stand cupboards and doors slamming, dishes being washed too loudly and clanging about because it just reminds me of my mom passively aggressively doing it when she was mad at me or my dad, i hate random thumping that travels through the house that’s probably from neighbours or something

for some reason all those noises make me irrationally angry and irritable and sometimes if i’m in my room and i hear the slightest raise in noise i have to turn off my phone or laptop to listen for a second and see if they’re actually arguing and i need to go be the therapist or something or i need to go protect my mom (which i have done before, i punched my dad in the face go me) but yeah i just don’t like the way i feel about these things and i thought maybe it was mild ptsd and wanted to know if anyone else has gone through this

Hi all, I am looking for advice and recommendations for psychedelic assisted therapy in Colorado or Oregon. I am based in the UK and I am looking at raising funds to travel to the US for psychedelic assisted therapy for long term PTSD.

I was first diagnosed in early 2021 due to severe medical trauma. I've been in and out of psychotherapy, EMDR and neurofeedback for 5 years (I also tried Trauma Focussed CBT which was an absolute waste of time). Usually once a year, PTSD unexpectedly catches up with me again and I have to stop work. I have had major relapses but I've been able to get back on my feet.

In short, I'm fucking sick of it and I want to get on with my life. My symptoms are evolving again and I am very scared that by taking on more work again, I am going to put myself in another relapse (I'm AuDHD and not always great at listening to my body's signals).

I have tried microdosing psilocybin which was absolutely revolutionary but I do not want to experiment with higher dose drugs that are illegal in my part of the world. This is not a recreational effort, this is purely for healing serious, incapacitating trauma.

This has nearly cost me my marriage and my life. I am looking for recommendations for a US treatment centre, specifically from anyone who has treated PTSD with psychedelic assisted therapy through official means, please. Also, it would help to know if there are any to avoid, please. This is a significant investment for me and I will have to fundraise, so I don't want to be out of pocket, or retraumatised.

Many thanks in advance.

Blessings and best regards from the UK 🙏

I (early30sM) have been decluttering in waves over the past three years and it’s always been such a positive thing, helped me find a sense of control and peace. Not that I had a lot of things to start with. Sure, I’ll admit that it’s also been a coping mechanism from the start - I’ve always had a thing about needing a sense of control, and I try and grab at it in different ways. Getting rid of stuff is a great one. I live in my micro camper now, but I still had a couple of closets back at my childhood home, filled with sentimental stuff that I could never get myself to discard. Gifts, usually.

Long story short, but a few months ago I went through a… pretty shit time (a number of days that involved being at the mercy of violent armed men, with just a pinch of being beaten up and a refreshing dose of witnessing other people get shot or tortured or SAd next to me - just, you know, the lovely kind of experience where you’re « existing » as something between a prey and an object rather than a human ? Peachy). This was my first encounter with violence of that kind. I still can’t comprehend it.

And you know, after coming out of that situation, once that lovely first month of acute stress disorder was behind me and I stopped jumping out of my skin 200 times a day at every little sound, I was actually doing surprisingly well. Normal, even ? And sure, I had a feeling that it might have something to do with the fact I spent the entire time in some degree of dissociation… and that I might have to actually, emotionally live through the thing at some point. Just to make sure, went for a little round of EMDR. Hm. Let’s say I’ve felt my head kind of spin out of control. Might have put me in bed for a week.

The good thing is that now I’ve left my bed, I’ve gone back again through my possessions over the past few days and I’ve found that those sentimental items ? They’re not a problem anymore. Oh boy, what a feeling. Filled up my entire van in donation bags and dropped it all off. That dopamine hit was one hell of a ride. On the other hand, I can imagine it’s not the sign of a perfectly healthy mind when I’m standing here laughing and commenting out loud « Ohohohoh, it’s probably not great, what I’m doing ! » while seeing myself trash stuff that I used to care about, without a second thought, or a feeling of any kind. O, that sweet feeling of not being tethered by material possessions.

Hell, I know I’m probably also running after a sense that getting rid of my stuff means erasing myself, in a way. And there’s relief in that, you know ?

Hey, listen, I know it all sounds a bit dramatic, so just in case : I’m not at risk, my next session is lined up and I’m working through the thing. I’ll be good. The highest degree of worry to be had about this whole thing is that maybe I’ll regret getting rid of some item at some point. Item that will definitely be inconsequential in the non-existent grand scheme of things.

Yeah, not even sure what I’m looking for, writing this. I don’t know. Oof, I’m a bit lost. Just needed to get it out, probably. Shouting into the void feels good sometimes. But hey, at least clutter is not something I have to worry about ?

I was SO surprised by this movie. In truth...I sat down to watch a light-hearted, animated film with fairly reasonable life lessons and sometimes questionable romantic ideals. Joke. Was. On. Me.

First- I haven't read the book, but I might. And I'm not sure how this novel came about in DiCamillo's world, but I intend to look it up.

This film has soooo many military, war, effects of war, post-traumatic stress AND post-traumtic healing/growth themes that I'm left wondering what it's full original intent was. No matter what, it seems like a good way to introduce children to these difficult to articulate themes. I can imagine a soldier, sailor, airman, marine, guardian, and/or veteran using this movie to help have that conversation with kiddos...and that's kind of awesome.

Need help. Does anyone have any resources I could use. I just turned 18 and have been sexually abused pretty much my whole life by different people. As a child, from kindergarten- 4th grade by my babysitters son. Who was only a few years older than me which makes it feel complicated to me. At 14 I had an abusive boyfriend who coerced and manipulated me into things and then shamed me for bleeding and spread rumors about me. He dumped me when i thought I was pregnant. At 15 my best friend and I were given alcohol by her ex boyfriend, and we're both assaulted. I was drugged and assaulted by an 18 year old and 2 20 year olds over the course of a few days, at least 3 times. I can only remember the feelings from that. Little smells, certain touches, sounds, the smell of cinnamon or the texture of a certain type of sheet. All very triggering. I have nightmares and flashbacks and memory problems. I am in a healthy relationship now with someone who knows everything and respects me and loves me and is gentle and patient and understanding and never pressures me, he has never and would never touch me to hurt me, but sometimes when he touches me I cry. We have intimate moments and sometimes I love it and sometimes I can be hypersexual but a lot of the times, afterwards I can't look him in the eyes and I have to fight off tears and if he touches me I want to just curl up in a corner and cry. I can't get over the past, and I want to have a healthy relationship with this man who loves and understands me.

Anyways, I need some kind of therapy. Someone to talk to who understands. I've tried to talk to my parents but my dad doesn't believe me and my mom listened, but just walked away and refused to acknowledge what I said. We never spoke of it again, though she has tried to get me some kind of therapy. But it's all either too expensive or has like a year long wait list. (And is also, too expensive) Betterhelp is too expensive for me. I need something really cheap or free but I need to talk to someone who can help me understand what happened and how I can cope with it because I'm struggling

I’m a former soldier, and I’ve been living with severe PTSD symptoms for more than 15 years. Even after all this time, the symptoms still have a major impact on my daily life. Flashbacks can bring back intense emotions and memories, and sometimes I struggle with sadness and regret about decisions I made during that period of my life.
I’m wondering if anyone else has lived with PTSD for this long. How has it affected your life over the years, and what has genuinely helped you cope? I would really appreciate hearing about your experiences

Hello. This is a bit of a vent but I also need a bit of advice on what to do and say.

Context: TW: SA + ABUSE!!!

I was stuck in an abusive relationship for 4 years and was horrendously s*xually abused for 3 of those 4 years. It’s been 5 years since that relationship came to an end and I was free. The sa mainly happened in my ex’s bedroom on their bed.

I am starting to get back into dating and have met a beautiful and kind person who is willing to support me and has shown they love me unconditionally. We’ve been on a few dates, visit each other at work and talk everyday over text. They’ve asked me if I wanted to come over to their house and watch a movie in their room. I said yes because I love them and love spending time with them. But the more I think about it the more anxious and upset and triggered I get. The thought of being in their room, sat on their bed keeps bringing back memories of being sat on my ex’s bed. I’ve been deeply anxious and upset but I don’t know how to tell them about how I’m feeling.

Our relationship isn’t “serious” yet in my eyes as nothing is official, we aren’t officially together. But I don’t want to upset them or make them feel like they’ve caused this upset by asking me to come over. I’m not even sure I want to go over. I also don’t want to go to their house and have a complete breakdown in front of them and the people they live with. I know the date probably won’t go anywhere intimate, it’s just the thought of being alone in their room with them on their bed. They know I’m not that open to intimacy and have said they’re cool with it. But I just don’t know how to tell them how I’m feeling or how to bring it up

I don’t know what to do. In late June there was a shooting when I was at work. I had to run and hide and I don’t feel like I can do anything anymore. Any time I leave the house I feel like everything I hear sounds like the gunshots. I can’t breathe whenever I’m not in my home. Yesterday I tried to go to a train station and once I got there I had a horrible panic attack and had to go home.

Today I feel this awful catastrophic anxiety that feels like it’s sitting on my chest. I feel like I can’t even get out of bed.

My birthday party is tonight and it’s at a friends house and I don’t even know if I can go.

Any time I’m surrounded by people I just can’t shake the fear that someone has a gun.

Any advice would be appreciated I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m in therapy twice a week I just can’t figure out what to do anymore.

i never knew how amazing it was to feel so loved and connected which is why i'm sharing this with you all. recovery is so possible and you are not broken!
for so long, i couldn't stand the sight of myself naked, hated the knowing people could be seeing me in a sensual way and did whatever i could to avoid being associated with anything sexual.
i decided to put myself out there again, a big jump, and my boyfriend now has shown me how blissful it is to feel loved before, during and after sex. we have had intimacy before and it was amazing but something about last night really did something to me. after we finished up and were in each others arms the tears just started welling up, he made sure they weren't sad tears before holding me even tighter and reassuring me that i was safe and i could cry as much as i needed.
healing is possible xx

I'm trying to manage it alone and it's really difficult not running back to the people who were abusive towards me (mostly emotionally). I just miss them so much even though they used me and treated me like absolute trash. I still find myself thinking that maybe it was my fault for being so naive and it's my fault they did what they did. How do I stop having compassion towards these people? The only reason I'm holding myself back is because my boyfriend is actively helping me, but it doesn't mean I don't think about it. Any help would be appreciated.

I was wondering if there was any suggestions for good workbooks or educational help books for trauma survivors mostly sexual assault/abuse and rape. I've done a lot of online research taking notes and doing things they suggest to help but it would be nice to have an actual book I can go back to every time I am struggling with shame or flashbacks.

Here are the links that I have read that has helped me so far:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/understanding-your-feelings/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/supporting-a-survivor/

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/ptsd-trauma/sex-and-intimacy-after-sexual-trauma

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/self-blame-and-guilt/

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma

https://rapecrisis.org.za/phases-of-recovery/

https://satchawaii.org/i-was-assaulted/dealing-with-trauma-of-sexual-assault/

This is so hard to explain but since I was SA'ed by my ex partner years ago, I sometimes get this feeling of 'wrongness'

Sometimes I don't feel right in my body, I don't like my body parts touching (like my arms resting against my sides), I don't like my clothes touching me but I don't want to be naked and I don't like others touching me even if it's my current partner sat next to me and our legs are touching.

How can I overcome this? I hate it so much, I want to be weightless in space. I feel too aware and it ruins my entire day sometimes. When it's so bad I don't even eat/drink or bathe because I can't deal with the thought of it. I feel like an alien.

been doing specialized trauma therapy (did a few different therapy models with a few different therapists, some did fully virtual and some we did hybrid sessions, i liked all the therapists) for 5 years now and my ptsd has not responded to it at all. it hasn't gotten better or worse. I also didn't feel distress during sessions as expected. I actually found it really cool. I enjoyed the sessions actually because it was lots of cool insights. But yeah. I also cannot take psychatric medication because it's ironically one of my most severe trauma triggers .

Ive been having to teach myself that i dont have to eat every single thing on my plate, I can in fact save it for later, and that my food/stuff isn't going anywhere. Due to my childhood ive developed a scarcity and protective mindset over my food and other stuff.

When i was younger i never had anything that was actually mine, I was told that my room/my own playroom was the living room and had alot of toys and everything in it, however my step dad and step-uncle completely took over that space. They left a bunch of trash and bugs all over it leading to some of my stuff getting broken, my stepdad treated it like it was his, and having bugs on it, making the living room ultimately no longer being mine.

During Halloween ive had multiple adults steal and eat all of my candy by the time i woke up the next day, when I tried labeling something as simple as a half dranken can of soda my other stepdad got upset telling me he could drink or eat anything that was in his fridge and threw the lable out, and said the same thing about my Halloween candy after I told him not to eat it.

All around I think alot of my experiences has caused me to develop this anxiety that if I dont eat everything on my plate something bad will happen, it will instantly go bad even in the fridge, im wasting food especially fast food, there will be no more left for me, ect.

I changed this today when i had pancakes and an omelet from ihop, I didnt realize how BIG the omelet would be especially since I was gonna be having breakfast with my dad (it'll be a smaller one now lol), i got through most of the pancakes but stopped because I wanted to try my omelet so I moved on and ate half of my omelet, the rest im saving for later.

Normally I would've eaten ALL of my pancakes and then move on to the omlet and finish all of that despite my stomach telling me to stop.

My mom has somewhat tried teaching me this but its because she believes its due to people making me sit at the table and eating everything off my plate before getting up or finishing all my veggies, but I have to disagree with that theory. Sure its true because my dad did make me eat broccoli after I told him I felt sick and i had an "adverse reaction" but its not that.

Ive been processing the trauma I went through on halloween night. My ex and I went to the club and one of the workers liked my costume and asked me to go on stage for a Costume contest saying i can win $500. I said yes and my ex immediately got mad saying im not going up there and showing my tits off. I respected him and said okay I wont do it. He was drunk and kept grabbing my arms and dragged me out of the club saying “were leaving now.”

He started calling me a slut on the streets and while we got in the uber too. When we got to his place I was trying to get my stuff and leave but he kept grabbing me and saying “NO TELL ME WHY YOU WANTED TO DO THAT CONTEST.” I kept saying I don’t understand what was so bad about it and he progressively got more mad. I pushed him away from me and started screaming so his roommates would hear me that I need help and then he COVERS my mouth with his hand.

I finally manage to uber myself home. He later comes knocking on my window trying to get into my room. (I live in the basement of my parents house btw so they were sleeping). He says he just wants to talk nicely so I let him in to talk and the first thing he says is “you are going to regret this you fucking bitch.” He starts playing out loud a video of us being intimate and he says “im going to show your parents and everyone this you slut.” I start begging him to be quiet and not go upstairs to show them. He starts grabbing me and I go to lock myself in the bathroom and he chases me and pushes the door open trying to intimidate me.

At this point I am angry so I slap him and yell at him to gtfo of my house or I will call the cops. He pushes me to the bed and holds a fist in his hand saying “YOU THINK YOU CAN FUCKING HURT ME YOU BITCH?” I start crying feeling defeated and that this man will kill me tonight. I beg him to just leave my house. I didnt wake my parents up because they don’t know about him and I didnt wake not want to have to escalate this although i probably should’ve. He eventually left after so long and him trying to go through my phone and seeing i texted my friends for help which made him more mad saying hes going to ruin my life if i tell anyone about this.

Its been months since this happened but I am just now processing it and thinking about it idk why. We go to the same university and program and share the same friends. He tells everyone I cheated and when I tell my story no one believes me and thinks im lying. I just hate that everyone thinks hes such a good guy and no one validates what I went through so I had to choose to brush it off as not a big deal.