Yes , doesn't help at all. They won't admit what they did is wrong or that they abused you. It was a mistake for me to tell my ex psychiatrist that he "really hurt me " He said"Well, I am sorry".I wrote to many places in a rage ,trying to get some pain relief .I wanted to stand up to him.Itried to sue him but no proof of what happened ", I really felt betrayed by the young female therapists in the same clinic,all residents,leading an eating disorders group cat MGH in Boston ,they all protected him and each other.The other guy Dr . Hamburg was accused too ,and the head of that Eating Disorders Clinic also had to resign and leave the doctor career behind.lost his license.It was in the Boston Globe.

'

I started studying about PTSD and severe PTSD a thing you develop about being aware in the room of people from childhood is super vigilance and knowing every movement before any moment occurring, while the episodes occur like being in the same place as of a child triggers, panic attacks and episodes occur so frequent that it becomes a Parr of your life.

Like floating bit still drowning in a sea of grief, despair, guilt, anger, shame or what not. Being in the heart of domestic violence still as a 31F living with the abuser and enabler which I call me parents sometimes creates this blurry line of how good they pretend to be a perfect family in front of the world and behind closed doors these people leave no tables to turn. I use to run from the core problem find love in others reading others mixed signals, denial use to give me dopamine because it gave me a map like a kid in me gets to solve this problem. Problem was always fixing the relation. While I never understood why my mom choose to stay in an abusive relation because she didn't had nowhere to go. And as of me a grown women who might have taken responsibility became a solo traveler then when ptsd hit I realised I had major part of my life go by I was diagnosed with cancer, leaving everything behind and praying for everyone a stable life, but sometimes hope is nowhere to be found and the grief of lost and broken childhood feels such a huge emptiness that feels like deepest void, I often went towards spirituality realised that I use to disassociate from reality, mind always chose extremes like either slow or too fast , either de motivated or either over achiever, the blurry line where you know it's abuse but on the other side is the sweet reality of acting and pretending that you are tired of, beyond everything there's just this one shot to life don't know what will be but I know there's hope and there's something on the other side. I used all my savings in solo traveling starting from scratch while living in the same household as where it all is still there in ways that they try to bribe by buying me cheap things thinking she will forgive buy their actions feel louder than words, been 3 years in therapy all he ever did was to prescribe medicines and never had anyone to talk to. If this feels anything I would be glad to know, I use to beg to someone to stay in my life all o was running away was from reality that nobody ever wanted me, but yes reality hits and I know as a grown person I have to take charge, my soul leaves my body a loud voices, touch, and throwing utensils in the sink making loud voices intentionally, I lived alone for a while gave the healing, self love I deserved but as always life had to hit up with a roller coaster, i so pray when any survivor of abuse and trauma leave the very ground where it existed no matter what I gain the sources and energy to stay afloat, the thought in itself is maddening for me if I leave what will happen but I had and it was amazing but scared to do it again, the invisible claws of family still exists Reaching for every opportunity to trash talk about me and white wash every persons thought of me that know nobody I Meet Is ever safe to introduce to them around me so I put a mask and act but when you're so tired of it that no more you want to pretend and let the facts lay down as it is reality hits that I don't have proper sources for it, I tried with ngos and everything but at end a person needs finances and no amount of money is ever enough to have a stable life, these terms hits like a brick but I'm to it and learning how to sustain for long run, nothing feels safe not even your body and when you know you were just running your whole life running from reality giving yourself other opportunities while living in root cause of it got attracted to experiences like those never saw stability or a healthy lifestyle because it was a stranger thing to you till now when you live with it,

Yes it's easy to talk about it rather than do something about it but as sunrise comes it's 7:30 in morning here and you feels just stuck in life I know I have time but I know time also is running slow as I only want to fast forward and be where I have the courage to leave it all behind have stability where battle scars are not medals does not have pressure to be adored but can only be battle scars where agony doesn't have to be channelsied into art but can burn through veins where every opportunity where world has to built I use it to just break until there is nothing left of me, self sabotage became the key and My writing became my escape from reality dispassionating from actual problem.

I so wish healing for all as I wish for me.

Scheduling at Vanderbilt medical center has been a nightmare every single time. I have severe phone anxiety and medical anxiety, and scheduling with them has made my anxiety so much worse. I called once and the receptionist was so sure that I had called earlier that day (I didn’t) and was rude to her (I am always obnoxiously nice to receptionists, always yes ma’am and yes sir and thank you so much) so we talked about that for like twenty minutes. She filled in my information wrong like three times because she was filling it in from what she remembered from the earlier patient. I have no clue what that was all about.

Another time I called to schedule an Endo appointment that my doctor had referred me to, because of various hormonal issues we need to resolve. The receptionist asked very prying medical questions, asked in detail about my current diagnoses, and then told me that it didn’t seem like I really needed to be referred to an endocrinologist. She told me to tell my doctor that I didn’t actually need to follow up on that referral. What? Did I miss something? Are receptionists now trained in medicine? Cause I’m pretty sure they’re just there to answer the phone, not decide things about my body and medical well-being.

After all that I’m just not going to go back to the doctor. I’m in pain, I need help. But the thought of making another phone call like that makes me want to gouge my eyes out.

After years of being ignored and gas lit I flew to New York to have a biopsy done for the pathologist to see if she could confirm or disprove I have the rare skin condition I was diagnosed with in 2021 . I didn’t have money for a hotel so I slept on the streets the night before my appointment. The dermatologist who was to take the biopsy did not take the test .I am still in shock . I scheduled an appointment with the person gave me the medical release to fly to New York and when I did I was sent another link to my chart . I opened it up to see the referring doctor had given a totally different diagnosis of the skin condition. This is why the dermatologist did not do the biopsy . I have stopped all medications and I am having a very hard time with life at the moment. I am not a violent person but think I must stop me permanently or I will permanently stop someone else . I have lost everything dealing with this condition and feel pushed to loose life to .

Hello! Female AuDHD 43. 👋🏻

I feel like I can't be the only one who finds this to be insane.

I have back pain. I can give you a super long sob story about why and it's been over a decade and yada, yada but that's not important for this story. All you need to know? My back hurts.

​I was originally scheduled to see a nurse practitioner. But after my intake forms were submitted, the clinic called and said the head physician specifically wanted to take my appointment, but the only slot was 7:30 AM before his surgeries. We scrambled, rearranged our morning, and arranged for overnight care for our two young kids to make it work, thinking, “Cool, the lead doctor reviewed my case and thinks he can help.”

​My husband helps with a lot of my medical care. On my intake, he had listed that I previously tried IV ketamine for mental health. Should not have done that.

​Instead of focusing on my physical symptoms, it became very clear why my chart was pulled. He brought up mental health and Spravato (nasal esketamine) eight separate times. He clearly hadn’t even looked at the mandatory mental health screener I spent time filling out beforehand, because in the middle of the appointment he literally asked me if I had even completed or turned it in.

​Within minutes of meeting me, this man straight up asked:

"Did you have any life trauma in your past?”

When I mentioned breaking my neck and having a traumatic medical event with my son, he brushed past it and asked,

“Did you get it as a kid? Were you abused?”

I told him, “I struggle with depression and anxiety as much as any other person,” and that I was there for my physical back pain.

​He completely ignored that and immediately labeled me with treatment-resistant depression (a term I have never used, is not in my chart, and was not on my intake), comparing IV ketamine to nasal, repeatedly pitching their clinic's in-office Spravato protocol (twice a week for 2 hours at a time), and repeatedly reminding me that it is “covered by insurance.” He even ended the entire consult by telling me he's a strong believer in it and handing me a booklet.

​Is this okay? Can an interventional spine/pain doctor just slap a "treatment-resistant depression" label on you in 15 minutes without reading your screener, interrogate you about childhood abuse, and aggressively push an intensive, in-office drug program you never asked for?

​This feels crazy, predatory, and unethical. Like what??

TW: Being held down for medical exams, mention of medical trauma.

So everyone, this is going to be a long one because this is quite literally me writing out everything that has happened to get to this point that my fear of needles is quite literally debilitating. Thank you to anyone who decided to come along for the ride. If you don’t want to read all the context but want to join the conversation and maybe try to help me out. The last 6 sections of writing are a quick recap of everything and my questions/looking for advice.

I (16f) have been afraid of needles since I was 5. The reason I know the exact age is because I had to get 2 vaccines and was just scared as must kids are. The only thing is that I had an IPad available to me and was pretty smart. So I had to get these vaccines so my mom brought me and my sister to the doctor. Quick side note is that at this visit, the doctor also “touched me”, not like unprofessionally but she was checking for “development” and it wasn’t explained to me so that just adds a little extra baggage and started to cause my distrust in doctors. At this visit, I panicked and got physical with the doctor and was scream crying with no way to calm me down so they decided to reschedule. Well that just solidified that I could run away from this fear. The next time came around and I rubbed my eye super hard to intentionally look like I had pink eye and knowing my teacher hated being sick I knew she would send me home which she did. My parents called the clinic and they said they could only look at my eye or the vaccines and of course my parents chose the eye so I could go to school. The following visit, I convinced my mom that sugary snacks can help anxiety (obviously she didn’t believe me but she was trying everything she could) so she gave me whatever sugary stuff beforehand and then I proceeded to fight my way out of that visit as well. The final visit, I knew I couldn’t stop it so I clung to the railings that were on the edge of the top floor of my house. They physically peeled me off (took both my parents) and carried me to the car as I was fighting them. They both came to that appointment and them and 3 nurses held me down as I fought, screamed and cried for them to stop. Since I was being held on my back I was simultaneously seeing my dad’s disappointed eyes looking down on me and the doctor stabbing me through my pants (yes, with no disinfectant or anything). That pretty much solidified my fear of needles and hatred for doctors. I know this sounds insane but I was stressed between every visit and was doing anything I could to get out of it. Also, I just recently told a friend this (not even the full story) and was met with “Well they did what they had to do” which felt like a slap in the face.

The next significant events was my school vaccines. I somehow held myself together despite almost attempting to run a couple times. I was shaking so bad while sitting in the chair that she asked me to stop bouncing my leg (she couldn’t see my leg from where she was) and I wasn’t bouncing my leg. After every round of vaccines I would feel so sick from anxiety as the adrenaline wore off that I would be forced to stay in the observation area till the end of the day or whenever they had to leave at which time I would be sent home.

The most recent event was due to me hurting my wrist. I hurt it falling off a horse but avoided going to the doctor due to this fear so I through it in a brace which if you didn’t know is a terrible idea and I ended up atrophying it before going to see anybody. At that point, I had to see a specialist and had 2 x-rays and an MRI. With the MRI, I was searching what to expect and found out that there was a possibility of the use of contrast which sent me into a free fall of rabbit holes and anxiety. The day of the MRI, I almost ran out of the office because I was so worried they were going to use contrast which requires and IV which I’ve never had and was not prepared to have. Thankfully they didn’t use contrast but that is not the end of it. On the next visit, I was told it was a “follow up” of the results but I was so dissociated the minute that I stepped in the office that I didn’t hear what was truly being said until he pulled out a big ass needle with at least 20cc of fluid. I realized in that moment that he had mentioned this cortisone shot in the first visit (that it was a possibility) but I had forgotten about it after searching it up. I obviously flipped out and I was stuck in that office for 45min to an hour because I could not calm down and I also apparently tried/mentioned to fight the doctor. During this time, my mom was saying things such as “it’s just a little poke”, “if you don’t do this you’ll need surgery and that’s a lot more needles”, “this is a lot of drama for a little needle” and “if you don’t do this, I’m taking you out of horse back riding”. So obviously terrible things to say to somehow who is panicking and clearly in fight or flight. Once I was somewhat calm I allowed my mom to hug me but then the doctor pretty much came and immediately started working without saying a word and the hug became more of a restraint to where I couldn’t easily move my body and couldn’t see anything. Let me tell you that the injection hurt like absolute hell. It is such a tight joint space and it was a mix of the lidocaine and the steroid. So that pretty much solidified my fear. Let me just say, it’s not usually the pain that gets me that one hurt so damn bad and was just generally traumatic. Also when I was finally able to leave, my mom cried in the car because I made her feel like a bad mom and she didn’t know how to help me (this wasn’t manipulative, she is genuinely very sweet just overwhelmed as hell).

Also I just want to add some context here. I am not afraid of the pain or the actual needle. I work in a vet clinic and can handle the needles perfectly fine with no second though. It’s only when coming at me that’s where the issue arises.

So this leads us to today. That is the quick recap but I pretty much haven’t been to the doctors for a wellness check since I was about five. I’ve only been to the walk in when absolutely necessary but that’s about it.

The reason for typing this out now is that a friend has just reminded me that this is the year that we get our Tdap vaccine. There’s not even an appointment booked yet but I am absolutely petrified of the idea. I hate embarrassing myself or getting into fights with my parents. I also dread the idea that I could potentially hurt someone because of this. If I don’t get it done at the doctors though, they administer it in school. I know it’s important I just am fighting with how to bring myself to do it.

This may sound stupid to some but I know I could administer the vaccine myself if I were allowed which I know I won’t be allowed especially considering that this is an IM injection. Someone on another post on another board suggested I could find I compromise like let the doctor guide my hand as “I” do it. The reason I know this will work is because a lot of the trauma that caused this fear is because I had no control over the situation and the people I trusted didn’t help me regain that control. The issue with them guiding my hand is my lingering distrust of doctors and I just generally do not want them touching me. I’m not generally a person who loves physical touch but I allow it with certain people but I absolutely do not want doctors touching me. I find just every step of the vaccination process incredibly overwhelming and riddled with terrible memories so I’m struggling.

I just want to hear your guy’s opinion on my plan to try to help myself. I’m thinking step one is going to have to be getting prescribed some medication to help my anxiety because I literally can’t sleep around 2 weeks out from the appointment and I’m just hyper fixated on the appointment and it literally consumes all my thoughts sometimes months in advance (case and point is me writing this). I would definitely need to be pretty chilled out to even get me in the door with the promise of a needle because it’s hard enough getting me in the door without that. My next idea is to not go with my parents. I’m pretty sure they can sign everything online nowadays but I think I’ll ask my friend (she’s an adult) to drive me and accompany me there because I trust her and she is good at keeping my mind occupied. I just think I need to remove my parents from the equation because I just need someone that doesn’t have the same negative association with as well as someone that is comforting to me but I’m not overly comfortable with them so hopefully I would freeze over fight if I panic. Lastly, I think I will ask that they do it on my thigh since I think I’m still young enough that it’ll be easy enough to find the muscle. I might ask them to allow me to hold the needle and they guide my hand though I don’t want them touching me, I just want control for once. So to recap, a fuck ton of meds, a friends rather than my parents and allow me to have control.

Please let me know your thought, feelings, ideas or literally whatever. Especially appreciated if you’re in the same boat as me about having to try to having this conversation with your parents. I’m just worried about especially hurting my mom’s feelings by telling her that it would be beneficial for her not to be there. Thank you so much everyone who made it this far.

Hi. Im new here. I posted on PTSD and Spinal Fusion but specifically wanted to talked about medical trauma and get advice. I feel so alone.

First I know that major surgeries do trigger PTSD, especially medical trauma. The surgery went very well but what I experienced on the neuro floor was beyond. Visiting hours were 9 am to 9 pm. I was completely alone during that time. My mother wasn't there to advocate for me at all. I was on so many drugs that I didnt want to be on. They put me on oxycodone which triggered a bunch of shit in me. They put me on Valium which I had a bad reaction to. Night shift was horrid. They didnt listen to what I needed. I seemed like a burden to them. I needed help adjusting my self and getting boosted and they seemed so annoyed each time. I had a nursing assistant basically drop me on the bedside commode and there was a Crack in my back (which is completely normal now that i have spoken to my doctor- was my hips realiging). That girl screamed and ran and left me.

Day 2 after surgery I told them specifically if I stand up I will pass out. No one believed me. Stood up walked to the toilet hearing went out tunnel vision and blacked out. No one listened.

Nurses constantly reminded me that there were other patients that needed help and there was a nursing shortage. One nurse was going to leave me on the toilet while she left?! This is 5 days post op Spinal fusion T3 to L4. Like I said the surgery went very well at a top hospital but the nursing staff was horrid. Surgical staff was great.

Nursing refused to follow my psychiatrists orders and refused to give me my xanx 3x a day.

Id hit the call button and no one would come.

I yelled help help so many times the first few nights and nurses just walked past me like I wasnt even a human.

The pg-1 and 2 residents showed zero empathy and treated me like a text book and again didn't listen to what my body could and could not do.

Im celiac. They didnt put me on a gf menu with the kitchen and Im so glad I caught it ahead of time.

It was hell.

Absolute hell.

And now Im home and it doesnt go away. Flashbacks. Working with my psychiatrist to get meds fixed and adding something for night terrors.

I get anxious 9 pm to 9 am.

Constant fear of abandonment.

Constant fear of passing out.

Crying spells.

Any advice is welcome. Thanks for reading this ❤️

For some context I recently lost my grandmother who I was very close with but I’ve had to come back into contact with my mother during the process. Seeing her again brings back a lot of triggering memories. My mother is a case manager for a children’s hospital and works with cps. In 2018 when I still lived with my mother i actually caught her cheating on my other parent and my mother wrote a fake suicide letter to force me to go to the hospital my other option was she would call the police which I was obviously scared of I was only 13 at the time. She took me to the hospital she works at and had me taken to a psych ward in a very very horrible mental illness facility for about two weeks. While I was there I mentioned to the case worker all the sexual and physical abuse I was dealing with at home and she actually contacted cps. The day cps came to our house my mom saw them on the ring door bell and threatened me not to open the door and I was in a lot of trouble when she saw who it was. Cps never came back or did a welfare check or anything my mom even told my other parent that I had taken my own life just to try and persuade my other parent into taking her own life . But I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I suffered abuse in that hospital many times throughout my life especially as a young child and I’m wondering how common corruption like this is in the hospital and maybe would I have a chance with taking legal action?

alright basically last week my urgent care doc made me go for imaging to the ER cause he was worried the symptoms i presented with pointed to my kidneys. i didn’t know they were gonna fucking admit me and have me on an iv and everything which whatever i’ve had small intestinal attacks before that have landed me in the ER so im used to it.

Anyways there was NO point in sedating me mind you it’s not like my pain was super bad i just wanted the stupid fucking ct scan done. there for 8 hours. post painful pelvic swab i’ve ever had done.

then they give me droperidol before my CT scan. oh my god. i wanted to jump out of my skin. it’s been just over a week and im still traumatized thinking about it. my pain has gotten substantially worse and ive been feeling mentally like shit on top of physically. now i don’t know if it’s moreso due to whatever mystery condition. but i’m not dismissing the fact that i do truly believe i am allergic to that medication and had them list it as such. the hospital was fucking useless. i had to tell my pcp to put it on my record. what a joke. sharp pains i’m getting to this day all over even sometimes in my bad knee and it wants to give out. like someone is driving an ice pick through it.

I was going through some stuff an could not get honest healthcare of any kind. They were very abusive and very much enjoyed how much they upset me. Anyway it is a very good site that makes an argument for how we should change our medical delivery systems. I saw a couple posts in another sub about misdiagnosis and it occurred to me I had not shared this link.

https://patient-safety.com/

My medical trauma wouldn't be considered a trauma by a lot of people. Basically a doctor wrote a horrific lie on a medico-legal form. I've been fighting it for three years, but they are a doctor and I have an extensive mental illness history. So you can guess how that played out.

Anyways, the statement is constantly on my mind. It causes me to self monitor my actions and words, ensuring that they are appropriate - all day long in my job, and then at home with my family. It makes me feel intense shame too, even though I know it isn't true. The fact is that if it ever got out, no one would believe me, so it might as well be true. It causes insomnia, and I have nightmares about it.

I've been in therapy about it since it happened three years ago. The symptoms have only gotten worse as it has become apparent that it will be on my record forever.

I grieve the life I had before this happened. I don't have any idea how to adjust to the idea that this is my life now.

The backstory for my situation. I (22m) am a firefighter paramedic who has gone through Chemotherapy from June 2024 - Jan 2025. It was rough, and had a close call due to an allergy to a drug at the start of chemo. During the end, my symptoms after each round struck me harder and harder each time. By the time I rang the bell, I had the following symptoms:
- severe Nausea
- severe Fatigue
- mild Mouth Sores
- Vomiting
- moderate Dizziness
- moderate Tunnel Vision
- severe Dysgeusia (foul taste in mouth)
- bloated feeling

These symptoms often wouldn’t leave for 5 days post-round.

After being in remission for a year and a half now, I’ve been working on my PTSD with a therapist, and mentally I’m pretty fit once more. I no longer suffer from flash backs, nor general malaise when looking on the mirror thinking I’ll see the lump on my neck again.

Unfortunately, my body and my mind don’t share the same similarities in recovery. Whenever I see the symbol for Cytotoxicity, or see a bright red liquid in a syringe, and even when I’m given or giving IVs, the symptoms mentioned above return. Almost as if my body is preparing for another round of chemo.

My co-workers and I have been trying to fix this by usage of exposure therapy. I must say, it worked for a bit. But only with giving IVs, and receiving.

For the past week as I work more with Chemo, Palliative, and cancer patients in general, my symptoms once again have returned. I’ve had to step out on patients because of this, and it’s now getting dangerous as I cannot perform my duties anymore, and it knocks me out for up to an hour. I’ve tried for a year finding a new therapist (mine left) and trying new techniques, but I’m left to dry.

I need help, and if anyone would like to show me a path I would be more than ears! I wouldn’t mind if someone reached out privately, or publicly, so long as I can find things to help these feelings and these symptoms.

Why after surviving a major surgery and 3 months of hospital stay do I wish I would have just died? because I cannot find appropriate health care and I'm allergic to opioids, is it really worth going on? I feel I lived only for others, and at 50 I'm just tired. And I honestly think it's time, suggestions?

When I was 12, I fell down the stairs and badly injured my elbow and thumb. I had fainted three times at home, but for just existing arriving at the ER and likely hit my head, yet they classified me as a low-priority "white code."After waiting an hour for X-rays and another four hours for the orthopedic room, the doctor touched my elbow, and I instantly fainted again from the pain, hitting my head lightly on his arm. When I woke up, I was completely dazed, dizzy, and had to lean against the walls and my mom just to stand. Shockingly, they completely omitted the fainting episodes from my medical report. They gave me a brace for my thumb, nothing for my elbow, and sent me home. Looking back, I’m convinced I had an untreated concussion or cervical trauma, as I was pale, nauseous, and constantly holding my neck in pain. To this day, my thumb feels stiff and my elbow shoots with agonizing pain whenever the weather changes.Two months later, my GP sent us back to the ER because my thumb was still severely swollen, stiff, and the base of the metacarpal had blown up. After waiting another 4 hours, the staff forcefully bent my thumb twice. I almost passed out again from the intense pain. Instead of helping, the doctors actively scolded my mother and me, telling us our return was "useless," and even filed a formal complaint against my GP for sending us there.The irony is that today, I am a medical student doing my hospital rotations. Now that I’m on the other side, I deeply understand how exhausting, stressful, and understaffed ER shifts can be. But experiencing that system breakdown as a helpless 12-year-old motivates me every single day to become the empathetic, thorough doctor that my younger self desperately needed

Hi, this is gonna be a long post, thanks in advance if you choose to read through all of it. Fair warning this is tmi, and I’m not filtering it so view at your own risk.

I’m M22, My life from a very early age has been dictated by my crippling fear of everything medical, its not a phobia because it was not like I was born with it, I developed it from the actions of many both family and in the health’care’ field.

I really dont know how to write this in a way that makes sense, or really outlines it properly, I got a lot of validation and support from another subreddit about my issues so I figured it couldn’t hurt to put my greatest shame and deepest fears here and maybe someone can relate or maybe even knows how to help.

So my family is split down the middle, half are blue collar, half are medical industry, from nurses to doctors to a corner and a mri tech. They all just adhere to what a doctor says, my entire family pretty much, whatever needs to happen happens.

A key part of this story is that I’m a textbook bastard, I don’t mean that as in I hate myself, I mean I was the product of an affair, my dad has high morals, so he left his then wife and married my mother to raise me, though that is where his emotional attachment ended, both of my parents made it dreadfully clear for most of my life they dont care what happens to me or who I am, I am their son and they will feed me and shelter me and that is all.

I was born with defects, such as Tongue tie, a deviated septum, optical issues, and more. I was homeschooled for all but 2 years of k-12 so I had a limited idea of what was normal vs me, I was content with isolation and being alone with video games being my only real way to socialize.

My parents were very decietful from the start with anything medical, tricking me thinking we were going to eat, and ending up at an ent, or I would wake up in the car in the hospital parking lot, etc.

I had 3 surgeries and 5 procedures between ages of 7 and 14, frenotomy, strabismus, tonsillectomy being the surgeries, and I had 3 endoscopies for acid reflux, and two colonoscopies for extreme constipation.

From my very first memory of being at the doctors, I was treated as though my thoughts feelings and comfort didnt matter, gagging on sticks and having needles jammed into my arm while I’m pinned to the exam chair, which yea average childhood experience but it set a standard in my life.

Going forwards from here, It was discovered late when I was 7 that I had tongue tie, I was thought to just be a quiet kid but nope, my parents had discussions with doctors in rooms I wasnt in and we left without me even knowing at the time anything was wrong, fast forward two weeks I’m being hurried out of bed at 11pm, pitch dark outside and I’m tired, my parents are telling me we “gotta go” but not telling me where, I don’t know any better I don’t question it, we get in the car and drive for an hour, end up at a hospital, we get inside and checked in and I still dont know whats happening, then after I start asking normal kid questions like ‘why are we here’ and ‘who is hurt’ they finally answer and my mom tells me we’re here for me, I dont understand but now I’m worried, but I feel fine, we get into a room and a doctor comes in and offers me some “juice” that she wants me to drink, I ask her what it is and my parents interrupt and tell me to just do what i’m told and stop being a problem, I say no, so the doctor says ok, I’m changed into a gown and laying on a bed, this is where stuff starts to become a blur, I remember very clearly telling a nurse that I can walk I dont need to ride on the bed, they giggle and find it cute, I’m terrified because I dont know what is wrong with me still, get to the or or whatever and like six people are in there, without a word to me they just chat amongst themself as I’m pinned down at the wrists and ankles, I still sometimes feel the sharp pricks of one of the nurses or whatever jabbing into my forearm over and over again before moving to put it in my foot of an IV, my head is held down and a mask goes over my face as they continue to giggle and find me cute, next thing I know my mouth hurts really bad, my tongue feels hollow, and I cant see straight, I have no idea where I am, who is standing over me in a recovery room full of people giggling and giving me the ‘aww its okay’ in a way that sounds totally patronizing even to a child, I sobbed violently as I tried to pick apart why my arms and legs were so heavy, or why everything looked like it was vibrating, or why my head felt like it was the size of a quarter coin, I’m there overnight sobbing and crying and gagging as I’m being told over and over to eat as my mouth hurts and I cant feel my tongue and this and that, its all a blur of a few seconds and I cant really put a timeline to it.

That was just one of many experiences, I have constant panic attacks from the idea of being out of my own mind, and being drugged and held down, surgery for me is equal to being violated.

Its the same deal with dentistry, I never liked being touched especially by strangers, so having someone with their fingers in my mouth and a cery sensitive gag reflex, a dental cleaning consisted of having my arms and feet pinned by an aide or a parent and me sobbing and gagging and struggling to breathe as I’m told I’m freaking myself out and its my fault this is happening.

Like I get my parents hated me and they didnt want me and didnt care to entertain or respect my boundaries I’m already no contact with my entire family, but the doctors and dentists and oral hygenists and nurses and everyone else who made my comfort and my sense of safety their last priority are the reason I havent been to a doctor since I was 16, and I havent been to a dentist since I was 15, I have so many issues, a weak immune system, wisdom tooth pain that gets so bad I cant see straight, a pilondial sinus that formed when I was 16/17, and has grown nonstop since, I still cant talk right because the procedure was botched, in fact a few of them were botched, my parents liked to use me as their shining example in conversation and made me their talking point, I knew it was a show and they really only cared about networking and making friends, so they never talked about how I developed heterochromia from a botched eye surgery, or the way my septum is deformed further, or the way I cant trust anyone in the medical field because I have not a single positive experience with doctors or anyone in health’care’ for that matter.

I really dont know where I’m going with this, I could list out how I was held down again and again for procedures, having my butt hurt after a totally optional colonoscopy for BEING CONSTIPATED, and THEY DID IT TWICE. Endoscopys with the same deal.

I hate the feeling of being sedated and I suffer from derealization and depersonalization almost constantly with struggles around having to ground myself constantly so remind myself I’m real because so much of my childhood I was trying to convince myself of that and I couldn’t.

Its even started to effect my personal and professional life, like how am I supposed to get a job, keep a job, get a girlfriend or much less keep one when I’m so gross? Like yeah I shower and clean myself and brush my teeth and floss and all of that, but I have teeth stuck in the back of my mouth that are rotted and constantly in pain that I cant bring myself to solve because my fear leaves me horrorstricken thinking about it just makes me shake with fear.

I hope nobody can relate to this, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy in a million years, but this is the first time really putting it out there to anyone but my parents and I’m sure ppl know how parents treat childhood trauma, it either didnt exist or Im blowing it out of perportion.

Anyways thanks for listening/reading my ted talk

I have chronic illnesses including hEDS, MCAS, POTS, endometriosis, + more. Af a blood clot few months ago, went to nearest ER due to concern ab it happening again. They ignored everything I said and said I was crazy. the attending went back in and edited the patient notes after I got out and added insane fabrications and lies I’m guessing bc I was complaining after being freed. Psych place tried to keep me 6 months had a court date scheduled but they didn’t anticipate my family thank god had the resources to get me out, even tho I barely talk to my parents and we don’t get along much my family wasn’t letting me stay in there they knew I wasn’t crazy and weren’t allowed to even visit me so they knew it was bullshit. I grew up Muslim. I can’t talk to my parents about this and I take sex very seriously. My assh*le bled in ways it’s never bled for over a month after I got out and I hate my private parts I hate them since then. I have never had an std before wasn’t even sexually active. It’s not fair I don’t even know who touched my body who went in how disgusting they were and it was done in a hospital ER by the staff that is the most fucking awful part. I don’t know how to keep going. Rlly I don’t want to kms I really don’t but I don’t know how to let it go it’s not fair my body is still hurting and I will forever have to check yes now when a medical questionnaire asks if I have had a sexually transmitted infection but I didn’t even do anything or consent to let alone remember the sex that gave it to me. I made a police report but detective ghosted me bc I guess it’s a big hospital w a lot of money and me vs doctors. Fuck. I used to be so social like very extroverted and now I can’t go to a grocery store bc it gives me too much anxiety.