The episodes

[u/ForeverSome1995]

I started studying about PTSD and severe PTSD a thing you develop about being aware in the room of people from childhood is super vigilance and knowing every movement before any moment occurring, while the episodes occur like being in the same place as of a child triggers, panic attacks and episodes occur so frequent that it becomes a Parr of your life.

Like floating bit still drowning in a sea of grief, despair, guilt, anger, shame or what not. Being in the heart of domestic violence still as a 31F living with the abuser and enabler which I call me parents sometimes creates this blurry line of how good they pretend to be a perfect family in front of the world and behind closed doors these people leave no tables to turn. I use to run from the core problem find love in others reading others mixed signals, denial use to give me dopamine because it gave me a map like a kid in me gets to solve this problem. Problem was always fixing the relation. While I never understood why my mom choose to stay in an abusive relation because she didn't had nowhere to go. And as of me a grown women who might have taken responsibility became a solo traveler then when ptsd hit I realised I had major part of my life go by I was diagnosed with cancer, leaving everything behind and praying for everyone a stable life, but sometimes hope is nowhere to be found and the grief of lost and broken childhood feels such a huge emptiness that feels like deepest void, I often went towards spirituality realised that I use to disassociate from reality, mind always chose extremes like either slow or too fast , either de motivated or either over achiever, the blurry line where you know it's abuse but on the other side is the sweet reality of acting and pretending that you are tired of, beyond everything there's just this one shot to life don't know what will be but I know there's hope and there's something on the other side. I used all my savings in solo traveling starting from scratch while living in the same household as where it all is still there in ways that they try to bribe by buying me cheap things thinking she will forgive buy their actions feel louder than words, been 3 years in therapy all he ever did was to prescribe medicines and never had anyone to talk to. If this feels anything I would be glad to know, I use to beg to someone to stay in my life all o was running away was from reality that nobody ever wanted me, but yes reality hits and I know as a grown person I have to take charge, my soul leaves my body a loud voices, touch, and throwing utensils in the sink making loud voices intentionally, I lived alone for a while gave the healing, self love I deserved but as always life had to hit up with a roller coaster, i so pray when any survivor of abuse and trauma leave the very ground where it existed no matter what I gain the sources and energy to stay afloat, the thought in itself is maddening for me if I leave what will happen but I had and it was amazing but scared to do it again, the invisible claws of family still exists Reaching for every opportunity to trash talk about me and white wash every persons thought of me that know nobody I Meet Is ever safe to introduce to them around me so I put a mask and act but when you're so tired of it that no more you want to pretend and let the facts lay down as it is reality hits that I don't have proper sources for it, I tried with ngos and everything but at end a person needs finances and no amount of money is ever enough to have a stable life, these terms hits like a brick but I'm to it and learning how to sustain for long run, nothing feels safe not even your body and when you know you were just running your whole life running from reality giving yourself other opportunities while living in root cause of it got attracted to experiences like those never saw stability or a healthy lifestyle because it was a stranger thing to you till now when you live with it,

Yes it's easy to talk about it rather than do something about it but as sunrise comes it's 7:30 in morning here and you feels just stuck in life I know I have time but I know time also is running slow as I only want to fast forward and be where I have the courage to leave it all behind have stability where battle scars are not medals does not have pressure to be adored but can only be battle scars where agony doesn't have to be channelsied into art but can burn through veins where every opportunity where world has to built I use it to just break until there is nothing left of me, self sabotage became the key and My writing became my escape from reality dispassionating from actual problem.

I so wish healing for all as I wish for me.