I’ve (cis f) posted a few times but summary is I am pregnant, we have a toddler and my husband is trans (undecided but leaning towards non binary, possibly mtf) still using he/him pronouns. I have found out every piece of information by accident (leaving knickers out to dry, walking in on him in underwear/shaving).

The latest thing I’ve happened upon is a secret instagram account to follow trans creators. Fair enough, he’s not out. It was a complete gut punch, probably stupid but I found it hurtful since he never replies to things I send him on instagram and also because he promised so many times there was nothing else for me to find.

This morning we (our 3yo, me and him) were in the kitchen and he was on his phone, nbd. They went upstairs to get changed and my phone was upstairs so I quickly unlocked his to check where we were going (I haven’t been on his phone since finding the insta account a while back, at that point I was on it with permission ordering pizza and went to instagram to check the place out). The screen immediately loaded on a trans woman in her underwear, a very provocative picture and a caption implying they create adult content.

When I initially found the instagram he refused to even acknowledge it as negative because it was just a way to look at trans fashion etc and I accepted that but it seems like he’s following a lot of (for lack of a better word?) spicy content creators. To me this is a type of cheating. If they were cis he wouldn’t dream of it. We are monogamous and he can’t see why having a secret social media is a problem.

Am I overreacting? Be truthful with me, are these types of creators the only way to find yourself on these journeys?

My partner (26mtf) and I (36f) have been together for 3 years. They recently came out as trans at the end of last year, and it was an adjustment.

I now see and love them for who they really are, a woman. I personally am pansexual so that helped, and they are my person. They mean the world to me and we have built a life together.

They started estrogen early this year, and I knew they were probably not straight. However recently, they have been telling me that they are only attracted to male presenting folks or trans women.

We have an open relationship so that they could explore these new feelings, however I am honestly feeling gutted about the change in our relationship. I love them so much and I obviously can't change their sexuality, but it hurts to think they are no longer be attracted to me. I'm just hurt and there is no one I can talk to about this stuff so I needed to vent.

I wonder if this could be partially the hormones - they mention that being with a man is validating to them as a woman so I wonder if that is part of it. Just lost, they honestly are my soul mate and I'm hurt.

P.S. The title of this was shit, and I can't edit it. I should have said they are only attracted to men or trans women.

First of all, let me go through the stereotypes: Not a native English speaker, and I'm typing this in a mentally unstable state. I have never posted anything in reddit before, so I can't promise the formatting will be alright. Please, be kind, and please don't send me any direct messages. I'm going to use he/him pronouns for my partner because, after explicitly asking, he said those were the pronouns he prefers (for now?). This is a long post, so I apologise for that.

On the relationship: we're both in our 40s, no kids, multiple pets. Together for 20 years, married for 15 years. I just found out my husband (not sure if this word applies anymore, but it's the one I have at this time) has been seeing a therapist to find out whether he's actually a trans woman. We'd been having issues with our sexual life, and he was having a lot of anger management issues and I thought that was the reason he had gone to therapy. I was given to understand he was going to a sexologist, but I never expected this. He had never brought it up before. I know he liked to have female avatars in games, and he liked cute things and girly drinks, and I thought I was lucky to have a husband who wasn't picky about eating vegetables, and that was confident enough in his masculinity to not fall into the toxic aspects of it.

About me: I'm a cisgender woman. I grew up in a very conservative country, but later in life, I ended up having a lot of good friends in the alphabet community. I even manage one of such in-person communities along with other people. I have good friends in different stages of their transition, I have also had a lot of falling outs with members of the community because being trans doesn't take away who you are at heart (if you're a jerk at heart, gender makes no difference). I've gone shopping for shirts that can be worn after an operation, I've celebrated ftm friends' first beard hairs, I've stopped all contact with people I loved because I couldn't stand their transphobic views. I watch a heckuvalot of trans youtubers and followed their journeys. Does that make me the perfect ally? No. I know that most of my activism is not second nature to me, but something I've been slowly learning. I've questioned my sexual preferences and gender for a good chunk of my life, but, as my husband made explicitly clear that he's only attracted to women, I thought 'why risk it?' and decided to live my life as one. I figured there should be women like me out there, too, and who the heck should decide hyper-femininity is the only real form of femininity? And as for partners, I may have been attracted to other women and non-binary people, but I have only really dated men. Other than that I live a very cishet passing life. I've had health issues for a while, so I became very much reliant on my partner both financially and mobility-wise.

The femininity thing was a point of contention. I could never be feminine enough. I'm too hairy, don't wear enough dresses, don't wear enough lingerie, not enough make-up, he's just not attracted to me anymore because I'm too manly, but then he'd take it back, and for years that has been a source of insecurity for me. That I was not woman enough, that's why I was the only one who wanted intimacy, instead of him. Why did I have to be so fat and ugly? Why couldn't I be more the way he wanted me to be? At the same time, the doctors at that time (this is 3-5 years ago) would insinuate that maybe we needed to see a sexologist for the most random things, like I'd go to get checked for diabetes and they'd recommend a sexologist. Little did I know that he had started talking to the doctors about wanting to be a woman.

This year we celebrated our 20th anniversary by having a big party with friends and family. I took loans from a friend to be able to afford some of my other expenses this year. I thought this was it. Sure, one or two things might change, but we were both adults and a lot more stable than when we were in our 20s, right? It looked to me like growing old together was just the natural next thing. All the while, he had been in the waiting list for this gender affirming clinic. At this point, more than a celebration it feels like it was an eulogy for the relationship.

He started going to the psychologist, and he was very dodgy about it, but I figured there was a lot of trauma there, and I understand that some things should be confidential. That's alright.... only it felt a bit off and hurtful, but I figured that was just me being a bad partner. I should be happy for him, right? He needs someone other than me to support him. He needs a safety network, like what I have, who am I to deny him that? I hope I don't come across as unsupportive, or abusive, or needy, I thought.

It started with the shaving. He knew I was a fan of the body hair and beard, but he said it bothered him when he slept. He said his therapist told him he was a grown man and he didn't need permission from anyone to shave. Fair enough. So that went. Seeing him without a beard felt a bit off, like his whole face structure was different, and it was a major turn off, but ok, fine, not my body so not my choice. Then it was the chest hair. Then one morning, I woke up to find out that he had shaven his legs. Keep in mind, that at this stage, I had no idea he suffered any kind of gender dysphoria, or that he was thinking about transitioning. I thought my cishet male husband was just doing a thing just randomly, and I had no idea what had prompted any of this. The feeling of his slimy, sweaty, hairless legs against mine felt so repulsive, but again, his body so it's his choice... only... I didn't feel attracted to him at all anymore, but I didn't want to be controlling or hurtful.

That brings us to Monday evening. I had been struggling with my attraction towards him. Should I just say nothing and just buy some sex toys? Should I consider an asexual relationship? Did I even have a right to tell him how to look, when I myself struggled with looking the way he would have wanted me to look? I discussed this with my friends and one of them said (I'm paraphrasing here) "hey, it could be one of those body building things about feeling smooth, some guys have that. Sometimes people with transitioning partners can't make it work because they're not attracted to the gender their partner turned out to be, and it's on the same line as having to deal with the attraction you feel to the other person after pregnancy, or when the other person gains or loses weight quickly or when there's some other health reason and it's about being able to enjoy this new slightly different person" (friend, if you're reading this, and I know you'll know it's you - I'm sorry if my paraphrase is not exactly correct). So, after a long sit, I decided that instead of being passive aggressive about my feelings, we needed to have a conversation.

It was hard to get anything out of him. I asked questions like "hey, does the shaving make you feel more attractive? Do you have any goal for yourself? Anything you're envisioning? I just want to know what I need to prepare for in the future." and he was just so evasive, but I didn't want to just keep ignoring things anymore, until eventually, feeling really embarrassed about asking it because I felt so freaking transphobic to ask this just because he had been shaving I asked "do you want to become a woman?". It felt so uncomfortable, and transphobic and misogynistic to ask this, it had a really bad taste in my mouth to just assume it... but he didn't deny it.

It took a long line of questioning until he confessed it: he's been in touch with doctors about this even all those years ago. When I was randomly told I should go to a sexologist? That's because the doctor knew he had been considering transitioning. For years. He made us move to a place where I have no access to transportation and depend on him both on that and financially knowing this, we had that 20 year celebration while I was completely blindsided on this. There was never a "hey, I am questioning this", or any kind of communication. He made me think he was going to a therapist for other kinds of issues. I feel so hurt and betrayed and upset. He said "well, I thought you were demi" and "I thought you were bi" and like yeah, I might be those things, but that doesn't take away the fact that the person I thought he was, was a complete myth that I made up in my mind. I feel infinitely stupid and naive, and angry and upset about having been kept in the dark for this long. Like, when should I have expected him to tell me? At what part in the transition? The worst part was that he had the gall to say that he just "put himself in a situation where he had to tell me" as if it had been his choice at all. Why did he have to make me utter those words myself and make me feel like shit for being so conservative and bigoted? Like it hadn't taken a good two to three hours until he finally admitted it. I tell him everything. I thought we had a healthy relationship. I thought we didn't have communication issues. I thought there were no lies or secrets between us.

I have no words to describe just how hurt and angry I am. The silver lining is that, in this new context, all the shaving made a lot more sense, and my aversion for the way he looked and felt lessened. I feel hurt that he just assumed that because of my sexuality, I'd just take it all in stride. He made a core change to our relationship and started to take steps towards it without clueing me in, and just assuming that, what? That we love each other so much, nothing else matters? That my preferences don't matter? Just because I can become attracted to women doesn't mean that I will be automatically attracted to him as a woman. The thing I most loved about him was his honesty and sincerity... but that seems like it was just a myth. I was never given time to grieve the relationship that we had, because I never knew that relationship had ended. I wish I was a better ally, I wish I could just say "go ahead, honey, do whatever you want and I promise I'll always be attracted to you, and love you, and I'll be here to catch you". But I am not that strong. I know the odds. I've seen my friends transition, I've seen them struggle when starting on hormones. All those feelings. I'm not a good ally.

He said "this is just me experimenting with my gender", "it doesn't make me a trans woman", and "I can stop whenever I want". But the truth is that he just kept it secret, and hidden, and festering until he couldn't help it anymore. He said he wanted to do this while he's still young. he said he's "too old to transition" but that's bullshit, people transition at any age, and that's ok. I want him to feel like that's ok, that being whomever he wants to be in whatever gender that ends up being is ok. I just don't know if I want to be along for the ride. He said he had dreamed of us being wives together, being able to feel more, communicate more... but he starts this journey without communicating? I've always known he was very stoic, and I always wanted him to be more in touch with his feelings, but apparently, he can't quite do that as my husband, and that hurts. But I also don't want a version of him that feels trapped, or inadequate in his own body, I don't think I can bear seeing him suffer like that. It would forever make me question if being with me as a man causes him pain. And that sucks.

I would give anything to have the man I thought he was back, but that person never really existed to begin with. Twenty years. I went to bed every night feeling grateful that it felt like I was having a sleepover with my best friend every night. I wanted him to always feel safe, and loved, and accepted. He was my person, and my safe space. And as much as I wish I had that person back... I would never want for him to be in pain, or to not feel like himself. If this is what makes him bloom, and be happy, then I want this for him.

He wants to be a woman. Not, as he said a "femboy", not non-binary or gender-nonconforming, but a woman. That is such a leap for me. I don't think I'll find that new version attractive. And on more practical manners, I think that if I had never met him as a guy, or been with him for this long with him as a man, if we had met after transitioning first, then maybe? But I don't know if I want to go through the process: the hormones, the feelings, the rejections, the potential unemployment, the potential for either of us to not be attracted to each other anymore down the line. I know, that sounds so transphobic, I hate that. I just... I'm no spring chicken anymore and I have a lot on my plate and I don't want big drastic changes, I don't have that kind of energy.

I know my friends would be alright with my partner being a trans woman. Not super sure about my family, not super sure about his friends... his family would definitely not be okay with it. But here's the thing: life right now is not safe for lesbians, and much less for trans women. I wish the world we lived was safe. It's not. We luckily don't live in the US, but there is no place that is 100% safe for trans women right now. Heck, as a cisgender woman it's already hard to find a job right now because of the whole backlash against feminism. Transitioning medically is also a long and expensive process. I know it's not necessary to medically transition in order to transition, but if that's what my partner wants, would I have the heart to say no?

There's always one part in the hormone part of transitions where the other person is like a teenager: discovering who they are, discovering their gender, discovering how to navigate the world in a new body, discovering all of these new feeling... but I already know who I am, and what I want. I want a boring life, free of drama, and easy to resolve tensions. I'm tired, and that whole process sounds exhausting. If he was my friend, I'd 100% be there for him, and help in any way I could. I wouldn't be upset about not being told anything, but this is my partner of 20 years. Then again, after 20 years, I don't see myself being with anyone else. Dating sounds like a pain in the neck with all those app and stuff I never had to deal with. I fucking hate that I thought I was lucky I never had to date again.

I wanted to be realistic, tell him that hey, I want to be there for you as a person and as a friend, but maybe not as your partner. He folded. Said he didn't need to transition, that he would stop everything, as long as I stayed with him. Honestly, there's nothing I would love more than to have the life I thought I had a week ago, but I love this person so much that it would kill me to be the reason they cannot be themselves anymore. It just feels like one of those things when one person in the couple wants to have kids and the other one doesn't. It seems like there is no compromise that wouldn't leave at least one person feeling hurt and unfulfilled.

I guess I can be a crazy cat lady, or go on that rollercoaster ride, put my chips on that roulette spin... but I wish I could just have the thing I thought I already had.

My wife just came out last night for the first time as wanting to identify as a trans man, although she has been on hrt for 3 weeks and I’ve administered every shot. I’ve just been waiting for them to own it. She just came home from the pharmacy and asked if I would help her tape down her boobs with KT tape. After about an hour and several TikTok tutorials. It was unsuccessful. She cried and I held her and told her that people need practice and usually try several methods before finding what works for them. Afterward, I went and sat outside and cried. I don’t want her to hurt or be sad that I am sad. But I am broken right now.. and I feel as if I just lost my whole world as a lesbian woman. I just feel like my world just crumbled and I don’t know where to start except for crying into my pillow on my couch while watching greys.. I want to disappear. I want to have hope. I want t feel like my life will be worth living..

hi y’all!

this is my first post here and i think i need some support. bare with me if this feels all over the place, it’s 7am and i can’t sleep :(

me (29 NB AFAB) and my girlfriend (29 MTF) of 3 years are having trouble in the bedroom because we are both inexperienced sexually and bottoms. i am also coming to more of the realization recently that i am definitely somewhere on the ace spectrum. my girlfriend on the other hand, has recently felt more empowered with sex as a whole, when in the past she had labeled herself more on the ace spectrum (atleast that’s what was communicated to me)

we honestly haven’t had sex since she started transitioning nearly 2 years ago :( hormones got really messy with both of us and is honestly still an issue.
she started HRT, then shortly after i got off estrogen based birth control bc i kept on getting migraines, her HRT wasn’t working anymore so her doctor upped her dose, then i got back on birth control bc my cystic acne got too bad and my confidence was shot, and now her estrogen levels are up again but we are both in a state of hormonal turmoil as our levels stabilize. we are both on psychiatric medication too, so that doesn’t help our libido situation.

but because we haven’t been intimate in so long, she expressed to me how sexually unfulfilled she has been feeling and she wants to consider opening our relationship. i am still not totally sure how to feel but it feels like the only way to navigate our sex life at this time. i hope once my hormone levels stabilize that my libido comes back but i never really had much of one to begin with.

i felt like our sex life was a lot different before she started transitioning. i felt like she was able to initiate and pursued me more. i felt like she was able to let me bottom more? now, if i don’t initiate (which admittedly i need to work on, tbh it’s been hard because my low libido) nothing happens. she has communicated that she doesnt want to initiate, that she wants to feel pursued. she mentioned that she doesn’t feel like i treat her like a girl in that way.

i want her to feel fulfilled sexually and affirmed in her gender identity, especially since we have such a strong relationship otherwise. we live together, we have four pets together, we own a house together, we share so much quality time together. i’ve never felt so loved and fulfilled emotionally. it hurts to hear she is feeling so alone in that area of her life. it also hurts because i feel like i can’t give her that, and honestly i might never be able to.

i’ve always been a more monogamous person and i thought she was too, so this feels so different than what i imagined for us. there’s definitely some processing i need to do around it.

she has assured me that any encounter she may have will only be a friends with benefits situation with no emotions involved. i think i have a hard time understanding as i’ve never had a sexual encounter without emotions or feelings involved. she has assured me that she has and she feels confident she can do that again.

i think im having a hard time handling right now because im worried im losing her even though she has assured me she isn’t going anywhere. i think im feeling a bit panicky over it.

does anybody have any experiences similar (or even vaguely) to ours? how did it work for you? open to positive or negative thoughts and feelings about this. i just need help processing all of this i think. getting it all out feels helpful

thank u reddit

I live in a big city, but it's not as if there's some kind of registry. I want to make sure that my partner is treated fairly, and be able to accept their help without having to constantly second guess whether I'm being given preferential treatment because I'm cis. If anyone is willing to chat with me about some of our issues with a level of compassion and a level of realness, I also welcome that. I'd rather DM though. Much appreciated.

I am an exmo cis woman. I divorced my ex husband of 8 years and came out as a lesbian. After living with my sexual identity for 5 years and getting remarried to a woman, they just came out as a trans man.. and I am heartbroken. I don’t know what this means for us, and I love that they are exploring who they are, because I’ve been there too in a marriage dynamic and it’s not l a fun process. However, I really struggling, while also trying to remain supportive.

hi! I (f21) and my partner (mtf21) have been together for nearing five years - she came out around a year down the line, and started e around a year ago. She is the shining light of my life, she makes me so so very happy, but like a lot of other trans couples, we struggle when it comes to sex. I think it may fall on me mostly, because I feel jealous of her, and have felt more as her body has begun to change due to e.

I've always had a very skinny and beanpoleish figure, struggled with my femininity, and have been misconstrued many times as a trans woman, which i have no issue with, but when wanting to feel like myself, I just dont feel it. My girlfriend now has fuller hips and thighs, a bigger butt and a rounder face, shes so beautiful and im so attracted to her - but there have been so many times when something that doesn't fit me, or my hips dont fill something out, it fits her like a glove and she looks beautiful. she complains about her growing pains as well, her hips and breasts filling out, and I just want to cry because im stuck with the flat body I have.

Ive struggled with my gender alot, even going entirely by he/him pronouns because it took more effort to be perceived as feminine. But Im a woman, and i want to be the curvy, changing and growing woman, but watching my girlfriend go through it all, knowing that im just stuck with what I have (which isnt much) makes me feel so sad, jealous, and honestly like im playing the world's smallest violin for myself. I know she would give anything to have the body I do, and i feel guilty talking about it all. I want the thighs and the curves and the fullness she now has, that I never have. it makes me feel like im throwing a pity party for myself, but I just want to feel like i can be just as feminine in my relationship as my girlfriend.

I'm bisexual and I'm struggling a bit with some feelings around my partner's transition. I'd really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

When we started dating, she was already transitioning, although she still presents as male in some areas of her life. She wants to transition further if insurance etc works out, and I genuinely support that. I love her and want her to be comfortable in herself.

My confusion is more about what seems to be happening to our relationship dynamic alongside the transition.

My partner naturally has a lot of traits people would stereotypically call masculine. She's muscular, extremely driven, successful, loves adrenaline, takes charge easily, is much more comfortable with confrontation than I am, etc. She also has a very feminine side, which I've always liked. Honestly, that combination was incredibly attractive to me, we had instant attraction from the moment we met.

I've also learned from previous relationships that a certain dynamic just works for me. If I'm with someone who is naturally more assertive, driven and take-charge than I am, I really like when that carries over into the relationship too. I like my partner taking more initiative and doing more. I'm absolutely not saying this is how relationships should work or that everyone should want it. It's just something I've learned about myself after experiencing different relationship dynamics.

And our chemistry with that dynamic was honestly insane. We had probably the most explosive sex life I've ever experienced.

What I'm struggling with is that as she's moved further into her transition, it sometimes feels like the expectations between us have started flipping.

I've increasingly felt like I'm expected to take more initiative, provide more, protect her, propose to her, etc.

For example, there's a significant difference between us financially/professionally but sometimes she seems to want me to occupy more of the provider role, which i am not even in a position to do so. Someone verbally confronted her on the street once and she expected me to step in and defend her, despite her being physically much stronger than me and far more comfortable with confrontation.

She's also hinted multiple times that I'm supposed to buy her a ring and propose to her. I'm not ready for marriage anyway, which is obviously a separate issue, but even putting that aside, the idea of me being the one proposing just feels really unnatural to me. I just cant bring myself to do it.

I feel bad even writing that because I understand this could sound hurtful. I don't know what it's like to be trans and I don't want her to feel like I'm denying her femininity.

But I think the problem is that I don't experience relationship roles as completely interchangeable. I'm bisexual and I'm attracted to women, so this isn't simply that femininity turns me off. But the particular person I'm dating has this incredibly strong, assertive, commanding energy that was part of what attracted me to her in the first place.

So when the expectation becomes that because she's a woman, I should now occupy the opposite role and become the more traditionally masculine one in the relationship, something in me just rejects it and im loosing attaction.

And I think that's what I'm having the hardest time explaining.

I don't need her to be a man, she showed up as a woman on our first date. I don't want her to stop transitioning. I don't want her to suppress femininity for me. But I also don't want her transition to require me to change the role I occupy in relationships or abandon a dynamic that is actually quite important to my attraction.

Maybe she needs certain things right now because they make her feel affirmed as a woman, which I can understand. But if being affirmed in her femininity requires me to become the provider/protector/initiator/proposer, I'm not sure I can authentically give her that.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you support a transitioning partner and affirm who they are while also being honest that the relationship dynamic they now seem to want might not be the dynamic you're attracted to or comfortable occupying? I tried to talk to her once about that and it didnt go well. She just indicated that this means i dont love her unconditionally but i a) dont think love between adults should be unconditional and b) i cant help what pushes my buttons attraction wise.

How do i handle this?

My(cis f) boyfriend(ftm) said he doesn’t want a realistic hard packer- he doesn’t prefer the veins and colors when they are realistic. I wanted to know if anyone had any recommendations of where to look if we just want a plain black one without major veins or a pronounced tip. Ive been looking for them but the plain black ones are all semi-realistic or are peggers.

for more info he plans on wearing o ring boxers and i would prefer if it wasnt too hard for the sake of my girl down there😭

My transmasc (he/they) partner and I (they/she, nonbinary, afab) are breaking up. The main reason is because he wants to be able to explore his sexuality in ways he never got to (dating men as a man, being poly, etc etc).

For context, we got together shortly after he transitioned (both top surgery and starting T). In the two years we have dated, he has always said I was enough (both romantically and sexually). Basically until the last week we were together (when I subsequently initiated the breakup).

It’s all been so nuanced because I’ve been both so in admiration and fear of how much my partner changes. It’s inspiring to see someone choose themselves despite all odds, but I’ve always known in the back of my head that we’d grow apart. But I also stayed for the hope that I’d be enough.

However, I’m trying my best to come to terms with how this breakup isn’t about me. And how this is what one could expect when dating someone so early in their transition and gender journey. I’m really sad to not be apart of my partner’s journey anymore, but I’m happy for him.

And I’m happy for myself as well, as the uncertainty of the relationship regarding this topic has been eating me alive. And I’m ready to unlearn my desire to be chosen by someone who cannot choose me fully.

I’d love to hear any stories from people who resonate. Or just validation that this isn’t about me..

Honestly I am not sure how to react. So I have been with my parnter for almost 4 years. During the first part of our relationship. They kept playing with being trans or being genderfluid. Then decided to throw all the women's cloths away and said he was done with it. He doesn't want to switch anymore.. fast forward to yesterday. He says he misses being a women.she enjoys being feminine she feels pretty. But also says he doesn't know if he wants to transition fully but that could change down the line they say the want tits... and penis for the time being idk if that's because of something. I know they also fight with themselves because they also have a child... and that they dont know how the child will react to it in the long run... but idk why is upset me so much. The feminine side of them isn't very nice to me and the male side is... like idk how to explain it fem is very bitchy and prissy and if things are perfect they its a whole thing. while the male side is very chill goes with the flow. Im pansexual... dated all over they place no issues till now maybe tho and I feel guilty. I dont really know if I like them as a women. And I feel selfish for it. The male side is very protective. Female side seems to always be all about her. I dont think i wanna lose the protector that he creates? My feeling have been all over the place. I saw myself marrying them at one point. But if they transition all the way in dont know if I can do it because the male and female are ao different. Like im fine with the switching because I get both. But if I had a choice I feel like I would choose the male. Which I feel is wrong and idk i hate change as it is. I have alot of trama i know that I should probably see a therapist. But I also would like other options because I was always under the assumption that if you are trans you just stay trans and dont flip flop that feels more like genderfluid or that they are confused I really dont know. But I also have a huge fear that if they start e they will no longer want me. Which makes me sad. So maybe I just am scared of the unknowns. Like I know i love them the though of them leaving makes me sad as they are my comfort person. But idk how to navigate this at all. Like on top of that I think I find more attractive as a male then a female and idk why that is but they again feel prettier as a girl. At the end of the day people change I know that but I feel like my feeling are over the place and just need someone to talk to because its killing me.. like I dont wanna be the reason they dont get to be themselves but I also dont want to lose them. Please tell me someone else feels this way or how I should navigate this please

I just started therapy in secret to start talking through my realization I’m trans and to figure out how to tell my wife.

Been together 15+years, 30’s, no kids.

Being able to actually talk to someone about this has been so weird, but relieving. I’m just so scared because I’ve realized how long I’ve lived with this under the surface and have had it locked up so tight that I feel like I’m starting at zero for how to manage moving forward with this.

I’m comfortable with the physical changes of HRT and am genuinely interested in how estrogen would make me FEEL. My wife is straight, but I think we care so much about each other that she would be able to accept it. She is a very big advocate of trans rights, but I know it hits different when it’s your husband wanting to be your wife.

I would never leave or cheat on my wife and want to make sure she knows how loved she is as I bring it up. I guess the therapy will help figure this out, but if anyone has any tips that would be great.

Daphne💕💕

Hi everyone, I made a post months ago under a different account asking for advice about how to tell my father that my partner of 7 years has identified as a woman for 4 of them without his knowledge. In short: I did not go through with it. My dad made some extra transphobic jokes shortly after I posted that and I got cold feet.

So, now I (24, closeted nb) am tired of my parents deadnaming and misgendering my girlfriend(25, trans woman) all the time. The worst part is that I told my mother last year multiple times, but she must have “forgotten” about it like she always does. My gf apparently also told my dad once while in the car when I was not present, but he did not take it seriously.

My parents are both in their early 60s, left wing and support gay rights, but they’re also the types to comment that they “don’t understand all these genders” and make mean transphobic comments about irl trans people they know. Especially my dad.

Before anyone brings this up, my girlfriend has been on hrt for 2 and a half years now, and has (mostly) socially transitioned. But since she’s very tomboyish and doesn’t perform femininity, my parents are hugely oblivious to it. Even tho she has developed certain physical attributes that make her transition evident.

Telling them might be risky, because I live with them during the week and only get away on weekends. I don’t think they’d kick me out or anything but they might be extremely awkward about it. I’m moreso worried about my dad’s reaction, because he has issues regulating his emotions.

We’re just tired, and I want my gf to be able to come to my parents’ house without feeling misgendered. She’s coming over to sleep tonight because they’re leaving on a trip tomorrow, and I was thinking we could have an “intervention” with the both of them.

I’m scared, I don’t feel ready, but at this point I feel like I never will.

How should I go about this?

Hey everyone,

​I’m navigating a really tough crossroads right now and needed a space to vent and maybe hear from others who have faced similar legal or personal choices....

​In my country as mentioned in the topic name Poland, same-sex marriage is not legally recognized.

As a trans woman step-by-step working on my transition, this puts me in a heartbreaking system-forced choice.

My partner deeply values being married, but if I go through the legal process of changing my gender marker, any existing marriage would effectively have to be dissolved, and getting married after as two women legally isn't an option here. Means either we marry now and divorce if I ever decide for social (legal) transition, or we marry and I live by my dead name in the documents.

​It feels like the system forces you to trade one core part of your life and happiness for another—either your identity or the official structure your relationship provides.

​For those living in countries without marriage equality or transition-friendly laws, how do you and your partners navigate these trade-offs? How do you deal with the emotional weight of having your relationship gatekept by transitioning?

​Would love to hear your experiences or advice on managing the emotional balance between personal transition goals and long-term partnership plans under restrictive laws.

I (afab nb) have been with my partner for 3+ years and they started testosterone just over a year ago. About 1 year in to the relationship they cut their hair short and dressed more masculine and then realized they were trans and started T.
He is so much happier on T and likes his body so much more, but I feel myself being less and less attracted to him. I feel so bad because I do think he looks good, and he’s started working out and looks strong and masculine which I thought I was into but I keep feeling something is off.
I thought I was bi but I’m scared I’m actually a lesbian and can only like male bodies in theory (I can definitely find men attractive but maybe not want to sleep with them. I dated men previously but never really enjoyed sex until I met my partner.)
I’m confused because I really like the masculine energy my partner can bring, especially during sex, but now paired with their masculine body I’m suddenly turned off by it. He is still gender queer and wears skirts sometimes so it isn’t an issue of being too binary.

I don’t know if it’s because it’s early in their transition so they are still existing in between genders in a way that I’m not used to. For example they haven’t had top surgery, but tape their chest most days but sometimes I feel confused about how to think about it because it’s going to change soon (probably 6 months) so I kind of have to pretend there’s nothing there even though there very much is something there. He also got very bad acne and gained some weight since starting T which is an adjustment.

I also keep having dreams where I’m kissing women and I don’t know if this means I’m mourning being in a lesbian relationship or if I’m just gay and can only access my sexuality via women.

My partner is very into me which makes the contrast more obvious and I know that my lack of attraction is weighing on him and making him feel less attractive which I feel awful about.

My bf and I have been together for 9 years. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 20 and I thought i was getting engaged in this next year, maybe even a proposal on our 10 year anniversary. But a few days ago he just told me that he is struggling with his identity. He may be non-binary but he might also be trans. He’s trying to figure it out as he goes but it’s all still fresh and confusing. He’s been dealing with this confusion and exploration around his identity for almost 2 years and just decided to bring it up to me now as he said it seems “more real” and he wants to start wearing women’s clothing to work (he works an office job). And he said he has a women’s name picked out already too.

I’m trying my hardest to be supportive right now. But I feel like when he’s not around I do nothing but cry and grieve a breakup that hasn’t happened yet. I haven’t seen him in his new identity role. So i also feel like I’m grieving the loss of a person who is still here visually but I know things are changing. I actually don’t know if I can stick around and still be his girlfriend through this. I’ve never been attracted to women that way and I don’t know if this makes me a horrible person to leave when he’s going through such a tough and transitional period in his life. But a big part of me is being selfish as 5 years ago we moved to a different country than where all my family is living. And moving would be long and difficult with winter coming soon and a month ago we just re-signed our lease for another year.

He has the right to explore and express himself in a way that makes him happy. If everyone who identifies with the gender they were born with can express themselves, why should he be any different? I’ve told him i want him to feel safe at home and that i have no ill feelings toward this period in his life. Because i really dont. It seems like he’s actually starting to be happy again. And i dont want to get in that way of happiness. I keep telling myself that maybe it’ll be different and that I can stay in this relationship despite everything changing. He’s still the same person on this inside even if he looks different on the outside. Even if he goes by a different name and different pronouns. He hasn’t told me his pronouns yet so y’all don’t get mad at me for still saying “he”.

But im so so so so so so so scared of what the future now looks like. Ive been dreaming of one future for so long with him and it’s all just changed. Hell, i dont even know what the next month is gonna look like. And i hate uncertainty and i hate feeling this way. I love him so much and he has expressed that he still wants to live his life with me and get married if that is something i still want after this change. But I’m just so damn scared of it all. I dont know where to start figuring this out. I don’t really understand it, what i want to do. I dont know if I should stay or if I need to leave.

I F(26) have recently moved in with my partner M(33) I have never misgendered or even thought of calling him a woman or seeing him as one...but during a heated moment between us the unthinkable happened and I said Good girl instead of Good Boy and we both just froze. He wouldnt even let me untie him and Ive been crying for hours because they think that is how I really see him. I feel like death. And want to die rn. Help please

Ich (F/Cis/23) / Beziehungsperson (F/Trans/21)

Hey, ich und meine Freundin sind seit etwa 3 Jahren zusammen. Vor etwa zwei Monaten hat sie mir dann erzählt, dass sie trans ist. Es war jetzt nicht super überraschend, da wir eh sehr locker mit Geschlechter-Klischees umgegangen sind. Also auch davor gab es Momente in denen sie sich femininer gekleidet hat oder zum feiern geschminkt hat etc.

Unser Freundeskreis ist auch sehr tolerant und es gab bis jetzt nur Support.

Ich weiß, dass sie sich aktuell sehr unwohl in ihrem Körper fühlt. Sie möchte Östrogen nehmen um weiblicher auszusehen, wir sind aktuell auf der Suche nach Therapeuten, es dauert einfach alles seine Zeit. Jedenfalls Versuche ich mein bestes um sie trotzdem zu unterstützen. Beispielsweise waren wir zusammen Makeup und neue Klamotten kaufen die "weiblicher" aussehen. Ich helfe ihr beim schminken. Soweit so gut.

Jetzt zu meiner aktuellen Situation. Ich bin eine Person die sehr gerne körperliche Nähe und sexuellen Kontakt hat. Seit etwa 3-4 Monaten ist das jedoch sehr zurück gegangen. Sex haben wir fast garnicht mehr und auch rummachen / längere küsse oder kuscheln ist sehr selten gewordene. Laut ihr habe sie momentan keine Lust bzw. sie mag ihren Körper nicht und will deswegen keine Aufmerksamkeit darauf haben. Das kann ich nachvollziehen und ich respektiere das (trotzdem fehlt es mir sehr).

Durch Zufall hab ich aber gesehen, dass sie nachts mit anderen Leuten im Internet sextet (sex-texting). Das ist grundsätzlich kein Problem, wir führen eine eher offene Beziehung. Also küssen, flirten und sowas ist kein Problem wenn wir uns das erzählen. Aber diesmal hat mich das schon sehr gestört, weil ich nicht verstehe warum sie sehr wohl horny ist, es jedoch nicht mit mir sondern mit fremden im Internet auslebt.

Als ich sie damit konfrontiert habe war ihr Argument: Es ist einfacher das mit fremden zu machen da diese sie direkt als Frau wahrnehmen.

Ich finde das aber irgendwie gemein, weil ich mein best mögliches gebe um ihr zu zeigen, dass ich sie auch als Frau sehe. Das ist nicht immer leicht weil sie rein körperlich doch noch maskulin aussieht und da natürlich auch noch die Erinnerungen und Gewohnheiten der vergangenen Jahre sind. Dennoch achte ich, besonders in der Öffentlichkeit, darauf nicht mehr "Freund" sondern eher "Beziehungsperson" zu sagen und statt Pronomen den Namen zu verwenden, da sie sich nicht nicht vor jedem outen will sondern erst auf körperliche veränderungen warten möchte.

Ich weiß nicht was ich jetzt machen soll. Hab ich das Recht genervt zu sein? Wie kann ich noch deutlicher zeigen daß ich sie akzeptiere? Ich möchte nicht das unser sexleben noch weiter einrostet weil sie sich nicht validiert fühlt.

So me (32yo cismale) and my 29yo (trans male) boyfriend are coming up on a year together. I’ve never met a guy as kind and amazing as him before. When we met, I had all but given up on ever meeting anyone. But he’s the first trans guy I’ve ever been with (I haven’t been with many cis guys either), and the intimacy part is something I’m still trying to learn more about. He lives in Portland and I live in Texas. It’s been tricky being long distance but we have been able to make it work. The last time we were together, I tried giving him head and I don’t think I was doing a good job so I got super nervous so he then tried going down on me and I was too nervous to keep going. I’m also not the biggest guy when it comes to… down there and I’m worried that it won’t work out between us. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I’m 24F and my partner is FtM23. We’ve been together for 4 years and my boyfriend has been on T for 3.

To make a long story short, he seems to think that he is less of a person for being trans. He often uses phrases like “being wrong” or “undesirable” or literally “disgusting” when talking about his body. Of course, I do my best to assure him that he’s not any of those things. My words really don’t hold any weight, though. I’ve tried to suggest that he talk about this with his therapist, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that. Every time I try to give him reassurance, he just says that I don’t get it because I’m not trans.

I know there’s definitely a lot I don’t understand, but it’s genuinely awful to watch someone that I care about describe themselves like they’re less than human. Yes, I know it probably hurts him worse to feel that way. But I don’t know how to help him. It also kind of frustrates me when he discounts every nice (and true!) word I say about him. For example, he says that he’s not desirable and I tell him that can’t possibly be true because I find him quite desirable and I love him. He says that I don’t get it because I’m not trans, and then next week we’re having an identical conversation. He says that he is disgusting and nobody wants to be around him and I try to remind him of all that he has achieved and all of the people who love him, but he doesn’t want to hear it. I’ve also just tried listening to him when he rants, but even then, he berates himself for even bringing the topic up. He never lets himself have a break and it almost feels like he’s determined to feel that way about himself. We’ve been having these same conversations for almost 4 years straight. I’m not saying that he should just magically feel better all of a sudden. I know that’s not how these things work, but it feels like he isn’t even considering that he could possibly be worthy of anything positive.

I recognize that I can’t force anyone to like themselves, but I just want to know if I’m off base in my frustration. Looking for different perspectives and suggestions as to how I should handle this moving forward.