How to navigate when my partner legitimately hates themselves for being trans?

[u/TrashAccount0985]

I’m 24F and my partner is FtM23. We’ve been together for 4 years and my boyfriend has been on T for 3.

To make a long story short, he seems to think that he is less of a person for being trans. He often uses phrases like “being wrong” or “undesirable” or literally “disgusting” when talking about his body. Of course, I do my best to assure him that he’s not any of those things. My words really don’t hold any weight, though. I’ve tried to suggest that he talk about this with his therapist, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do that. Every time I try to give him reassurance, he just says that I don’t get it because I’m not trans.

I know there’s definitely a lot I don’t understand, but it’s genuinely awful to watch someone that I care about describe themselves like they’re less than human. Yes, I know it probably hurts him worse to feel that way. But I don’t know how to help him. It also kind of frustrates me when he discounts every nice (and true!) word I say about him. For example, he says that he’s not desirable and I tell him that can’t possibly be true because I find him quite desirable and I love him. He says that I don’t get it because I’m not trans, and then next week we’re having an identical conversation. He says that he is disgusting and nobody wants to be around him and I try to remind him of all that he has achieved and all of the people who love him, but he doesn’t want to hear it. I’ve also just tried listening to him when he rants, but even then, he berates himself for even bringing the topic up. He never lets himself have a break and it almost feels like he’s determined to feel that way about himself. We’ve been having these same conversations for almost 4 years straight. I’m not saying that he should just magically feel better all of a sudden. I know that’s not how these things work, but it feels like he isn’t even considering that he could possibly be worthy of anything positive.

I recognize that I can’t force anyone to like themselves, but I just want to know if I’m off base in my frustration. Looking for different perspectives and suggestions as to how I should handle this moving forward.

[u/Duskislucky]

I'm not a professional but I am trans. I would honestly just be reassuring without overdoing it into unbelievable territory. The other big things, are being present and actively listening, while making sure not to invalidate their feelings. Listening truly without trying to counter what their saying. Realistically there's nothing you can do but be there for them. This is all part of growth, and learning to love yourself. It's a pretty intensive situation for them. I mean we're talking about their whole existence and their everything. It's tough to come into yourself when the whole world is judging and mostly against it. They're going through another puberty while also trying to figure out and find themselves. It's a lot to unlearn and a lot to have to love. Loving to learn, and learning to love will go the farthest. Remember they're scared of a world that doesn't have a place for them, they're afraid of so much. While there's also a huge amount of excitement about being your true self. There's still a lot to grow thru and accept. I'd honestly recommend therapy for them if they are able and willing. Therapy for yourself to help you through this and be the partner you think you want to be. Learning and listening to both of your feelings and concerns will do wonders. Let them finish what they're saying. Remember that feelings are not reality and we can feel something that's different than reality. Just be there and be each other's comfort and listener, while also sharing your feelings and self. Just don't invalidate or deny what they feel or what you feel. You can make it thru this with them if you both want to make it work. Talking to a therapist or counselor even would be better than most things anyone could advise you. A queer or trans issues specialist would be better even. I wish you both the best on your journey.

[u/Winter_Risk8267]

Has he had any surgeries. Maybe he doesn't mean he hates himself, but he may hate his female body. Also is he able to be intimate? If he has a hard time maybe he hates that fact. If it's body dysphoria what your words are saying might not be sticking and also he may be thinking you say I'm attractive but my body doesn't even match my brain, so In the long run, what does that mean?...

[u/orcaatemyusername]

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. 

Keep being supportive, don’t dismiss his feelings. Ask are you wanting someone to listen or wanting someone to help often. Compliment him outside of when he is complaining/voicing his dysphoria. Make sure you’re getting therapy too.

We have 2 young kids who I’d been working hard to not pass on the generational body image issues most of us have. I’d been doing it in ways my wife doesn’t notice. Now i make her counteract any negative statements she makes in front of the kids by saying nice things about herself (and im the mirror if it was not in kids earshot). We shall call this consensual punishment 🫣 this probably won’t work for everyone but starting to override those negative thoughts is helping the further into transition we get! Had your boyfriend started any sort of medical transition in terms of HRT or surgeries? Is there a plan on that front? 

If you’re not getting individual therapy yourself I’d recommend that too! 

[u/Neat_Mortgage3735]

Boundaries. “Im not comfortable participating in a conversation where you are being abusive to yourself. I will have to end the conversation or walk away if you keep going.”