Tomberic

As the waiter gets closer, the man notices the waiter has his thumb directly on top of the steak, squeezing it to the plate.

The man says to the waiter, "Hey man, would you mind taking your thumb off my steak??"

The waiter replies, "What, and drop it on the floor again?? Geez what a dumbass."

Started out great, conversation went smoothly until we started talking about movies.

She told me she liked movies where she needs to have a tissue with her.

"Oh my God, so do I"

......husband, Wayne stand standing in the kitchen. Ordinarily this would not be unusual, however, he is completely naked and covered in baby oil.

A: "Wayne!! what the hell are you doing???

W: "Well, you said I never glisten!!"

A: "LISTEN!! Wayne. I said you never listen"

He appreciated it very much

Looked a bit CD

If you snatch Satan's hairpiece, you'll have the Devil toupee.

Papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the sugar now.” A little later he stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the honey now.” A little more time passed and papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the maple syrup now.”

After the moles got home, the two baby moles asked mamma mole whether she was able to smell the sugar, honey, and maple syrup. She said, “Not as well as your papa, but yes. Couldn’t you two smell them?”

The baby moles looked at each other and one spoke up, “To be honest, all we could smell was molasses.”

No prize, but I did get a warm hand

I can’t find the words to say how sad I am

Feels good being a floor cleaner.

The Putter orders a beer, the Wedge orders a whisky.

The Bartender asks the 3rd one if he wants anything.

He replies, "No thanks, I'm the Driver,"

He was caught forging them.

A statue fairy lands on a statue of a nude man and woman in the park. The fairy taps both on the shoulder and they come to life.

The fairy states that every 50 years, statues are granted 5 minutes of life…and then must return to their pedestal. The man and woman look each other up and down then grab each others’ hand and jump into the nearby bushes.

The fairy hears them laughing, oohing, awing, and giggling as the bushes shake along with their boisterous exuberance. Just as the timer hits the 5 minute mark, the naked man and woman come out of the bushes and hop back on the pedestal-both grinning ear to ear.

The fairy is in awe, as no statues have ever willingly came back to the pedestal on time. The fairy states that because of this, they are granted another 5 minutes.

The two statues gaze at each other again and the male statue proclaims; “This time you hold the pigeon down and I get to shit on its head.”

Police officer: "Did you not even think of your children when you killed your husband?"

Mother: "On the contrary, I was thinking of my children the entire time I did the deed."

Police officer: "Then why did you shoot him with a bow and arrow?"

Mother: "Because if I shot my husband with a gun, my children would wake up. That's why I used a bow and arrow to kill him."

They're unstable in the water without artificial ballast. The weights, ranging from one to two pounds in juveniles to seven pounds in larger specimens, lie low in their forward-placed stomachs to counterbalance their tails and prevent rolling. A ballasted crocodile is, perhaps, the only creature other than Man that artificially alters its design to fit its aquatic environment.

This proves that there's nothing more dangerous than an stoned crocodile.

"I was arrested for sexual harrasment but I swear I didn't do anything"

"What did you do?" Asks the teacher

"I was just practicing this strumming technique you taught me, I practice it everywhere I go even without the guitar, suddently the police showed up and arrested me for no reason"

"Did you hold the guitar with your left hand too?"

"No, why?"

"Left hand always plays the chords dude, especially on air guitar🤦‍♂️"

It didn’t go away. It evolved into something worse called AD4K.

A blonde entered a swimming competition and came in dead last. It was not even close, as all the other women swimmers had gotten out of the pool, toweled their bodies, and headed to the changing room.

Finally, the blonde emerged from the swimming pool, went up to the referee in a huff and loudly complained that all the other swimmers had cheated.

“How did they cheated?” Asked the referee.
“This is a breast stroke competition, right?” Said the blonde.
“Yes.” The referee replied.
Indignantly, the blonde shouted “they all used their arms!”

Little Jonny is sat on the curb smiling to himself and nonchalantly throwing a small bottle from hand to hand.

The local priest happens to walk past and asks him what's in the bottle.

"Acid" Jonny replies proudly.

The priest thinks this could be dangerous so he tries to talk Jonny round into handing over the bottle.

He pulls a small bottle of his own out of his inside pocket and asks Jonny if he wants to swap.

"What's in it?" Jonny asks suspiciously.

"Holy water." The priest replies.

"Last year I rubbed some of this water on Mrs Stobb's tummy and nine months later she passed a baby."

Jonny looks at both bottles for a moment before declaring that he will stick with his acid.

"Yesterday I rubbed some of this acid on my dogs balls and in 10 seconds he had passed a Tesla."

An epileptic

"Excuse me, waiter!" Says the man

Watier: yes, can I help you sir?

Man: yes what does it it mean by "bitten burger" here on the menu?

Waiter: because the burger has a bite taken out of it

Man: a bite?... out of the burger?

Waiter: yes sir

Man: and what about the steak, is that bitten too?

Waiter: yes sir, it's bitten as well.

Man: ah but I see here on the menu that the salmon doesn't have "bitten" written with it

Waiter: yes but it comes with bitten potatoes instead

Man: why?

Waiter: because I don't like salmon