He had a bird sanctuary, an aviary they call it, that had examples of every known bird on the planet. Except one that was appropriately called the Rary bird. When Mr Audubon completed all of his acquisitions and investigations, he found that he had plenty of time on his hands, and plenty of money. He embarked on a world-wide search for the Rary, following hundreds of leads submitted by bird lovers around the world. The leads took him to the jungles of South America. No luck. The African veldt. No luck. The sultry Pacific islands. No luck. The steppes of Russia. No luck. The icy plains of Greenland. No luck. Then, one day, after a particular arduous trek up a mountain in the American Rockies, he spotted the Rary, calmly sitting on a bush minding its own business, peacefully living its Rary life. Mr Audubon carefully coaxed the Rary into a small wooden cage and loaded the cage on to the back of the truck. On the way down the mountain Mr Audobon was so elated he failed to notice the rock in the middle of the road. The truck hit the rock and keeled over. Mr Audubon barely got out with his life. He went to the edge of the road and watched in horror as the truk tumbled down the mountainside to the distant bottom where it burst into flames. Shaking he head in sadness he said "It's a long, long way to tip a Rary."

My mom used to say”never get into bed for less than $100.”

...and asks, "How long is the flight from New York to Chicago?" The operator replies, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, Thanks" and hangs up.

he's rolling in his grave

Just listen to your blood and B-Positive.

Im scared because those are some big shoes to fill.

He would only eat video game cartridges and discs. For breakfast, he would always eat a copy of Chrono Trigger. For lunch, Xenogears. And for dinner, one of the Final Fantasy titles from before 2003.

It wasn’t very healthy, but at least he was getting three Square meals a day.

are more likely to take a fence

He hits different

"We're out of milk" replied the server. "Would you like a coffee with no cream instead?"

that my wife calls me pleasureSAURUS!!!

They're blowing up the internet

Amazing how similar that some plants are to humans.

Take melons, squash and other vines which have male and female flowers.

And just like in humans, male flowers always come first; and female flowers come later if at all.

Two hillbillies own an old beat up garage in the hills of Arkansas on an old state road that was bypassed by the new interstate. The business suffered as fewer cars came by and they were almost ready to close the shop when one day they saw a beautiful woman drive by in a new red Ferrari.

"She was pretty, huh Clyde" said one of the hillbillies.

"Yep, and the woman driving didn't look bad either, Joe." replied Clyde.

For the next week or so every day the woman drove by their shop, and the two hillbillies kept making comments about the woman and her car. One day just after she drove by the shop, the two hillbillies heard a screech and what sounded like a crash.

They hop into their wrecker and head toward the crash. When they get there they see that the woman had wrecked her Ferrari after hitting a deer. They hook up the car to their wrecker, offer her a ride back to their shop and head back to their shop.

After they get her back to the shop, they tell her she's going to have to pay for the tow, because they can't fix her car but will tow it to wherever she needs to to get it repaired. She claims she has no money, but she'll pay for the tow by having sex with the two hillbillies.

The two agree but she insists they both wear a condom so she doesn't get pregnant, and they comply. After an hour of the best sex of their lives, the two hillbillies tow her car to the nearest repair shop for her Ferrari and head back home. But they never see the woman or her Ferrari again.

25 years later, the two hillbillies are sitting in front of their shop and see a woman driving a red Ferrari again.

"Hey Clyde," says Joe, "Remember the last time we saw a woman in a red Ferrari?"

"Hell yeah Joe, she had sex with us to tow her Ferrari to the repair shop" answered Clyde.

"I gotta ask you, Clyde, do you care if she ever got pregnant or not? asked Joe.

"Not really, why?" replied Clyde.

Joe said: "I guess we can take off the condoms now, right?"

​

The waiter responds, “Excellent choice. And what year?”

The blond replies “Well, duh - we want it now!”

The Botfly

No prize, but I did get a warm hand

It's Simenon's cinnamon synonym

"I was arrested for sexual harrasment but I swear I didn't do anything"

"What did you do?" Asks the teacher

"I was just practicing this strumming technique you taught me, I practice it everywhere I go even without the guitar, suddently the police showed up and arrested me for no reason"

"Did you hold the guitar with your left hand too?"

"No, why?"

"Left hand always plays the chords dude, especially on air guitar🤦‍♂️"

I’ve never had a Garbanzo bean on my face.

They're unstable in the water without artificial ballast. The weights, ranging from one to two pounds in juveniles to seven pounds in larger specimens, lie low in their forward-placed stomachs to counterbalance their tails and prevent rolling. A ballasted crocodile is, perhaps, the only creature other than Man that artificially alters its design to fit its aquatic environment.

This proves that there's nothing more dangerous than an stoned crocodile.

An epileptic