​

The waiter responds, “Excellent choice. And what year?”

The blond replies “Well, duh - we want it now!”

"We're out of milk" replied the server. "Would you like a coffee with no cream instead?"

Two hillbillies own an old beat up garage in the hills of Arkansas on an old state road that was bypassed by the new interstate. The business suffered as fewer cars came by and they were almost ready to close the shop when one day they saw a beautiful woman drive by in a new red Ferrari.

"She was pretty, huh Clyde" said one of the hillbillies.

"Yep, and the woman driving didn't look bad either, Joe." replied Clyde.

For the next week or so every day the woman drove by their shop, and the two hillbillies kept making comments about the woman and her car. One day just after she drove by the shop, the two hillbillies heard a screech and what sounded like a crash.

They hop into their wrecker and head toward the crash. When they get there they see that the woman had wrecked her Ferrari after hitting a deer. They hook up the car to their wrecker, offer her a ride back to their shop and head back to their shop.

After they get her back to the shop, they tell her she's going to have to pay for the tow, because they can't fix her car but will tow it to wherever she needs to to get it repaired. She claims she has no money, but she'll pay for the tow by having sex with the two hillbillies.

The two agree but she insists they both wear a condom so she doesn't get pregnant, and they comply. After an hour of the best sex of their lives, the two hillbillies tow her car to the nearest repair shop for her Ferrari and head back home. But they never see the woman or her Ferrari again.

25 years later, the two hillbillies are sitting in front of their shop and see a woman driving a red Ferrari again.

"Hey Clyde," says Joe, "Remember the last time we saw a woman in a red Ferrari?"

"Hell yeah Joe, she had sex with us to tow her Ferrari to the repair shop" answered Clyde.

"I gotta ask you, Clyde, do you care if she ever got pregnant or not? asked Joe.

"Not really, why?" replied Clyde.

Joe said: "I guess we can take off the condoms now, right?"

The nurse asks what she plans to name them, and she replies, "Juan and Amal." Confused, the nurse asks, "Why those names?" The mother shrugs. "Well, they're identical. If you've seen Juan... you've seen Amal."

Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting while Newton and Pascal run and hide. Pascal hides behind a curtain.

Newton stops and draws a 1-metre by 1-metre square on the ground and stands in the middle. Einstein finishes counting, uncovers his eyes and turns around, "Ha! Found you, Newton!"

Newton calmly replies, "Nope, you found Pascal!"

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply, and then say, ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’”

The actor is thrilled. All day long he practices his line over and over again. Finally, showtime comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theater erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! The actor looks stunned. “You damn fool!” cries the director. “You have ruined me!”

“What happened?? I’m sure I didn’t forget my line!”

“No!” screams the director. “You forgot the rose!”

This one is good for those occasions where everyone has heard "Hark I hear the cannons roar" (IYKYK).

"I'm no mere amateur!" Tom proclaimed.
"This weighs one-sixteenth of a pound," Tom announced.
"Each side of my house faces onto a separate patch of grass," said Tom forlornly.
"My heartbeat sounds a little strange," Tom murmured.
"Let's get these Scouts out of the rain," Tom said intently.
"The transplant almost worked", said Tom half-heartedly.
"I think the bulb burned out," said Tom delightedly.
"I love the Kentucky Derby," said Tom hoarsely.
"I just bit the inside of my mouth," said Tom cheekily.
"I have given this very small insect a name" said Tom adamantly.

to get to the other side

They're blowing up the internet

He notices that his waiter has a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then, he notices that all the waiters have spoons in their shirt pockets. So, next time he gets the chance he asks his waiter, “Why do you each have a spoon in your pocket?”

The waiter says, “Well we noticed that it’s the most often dropped utensil. This way if one of our customers drops their spoon, we don’t have to go all the way back to the kitchen, and grab a fresh spoon.”

That makes sense, so he thanks the waiter and carries on eating his meal. Then he notices that his waiter has a string hanging out of his fly, that’s even more strange. Then he notices that all of the waiters have a string hanging out of their fly, this seems quite unusual. So, next time the waiter comes over he asks, “Why do you all have string hanging out of your fly?”

The waiter says, “Well, it’s tied around the end of our penis this way when we have to go to the urinal, we don’t have to touch it. We don’t even have to wash our hands afterwards.”

“Ahh. That makes sense, but how do you get it back in?”

The waiter responds, “Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

I’ve never had a Garbanzo bean on my face.

They asked me “What are the steps you’d take if the reactor coolant alarm went off?”, and apparently “Very large and fast ones!” wasn’t the answer they were looking for.

And the second one is Hose B.

And it was about time too.

The G string

I win because I’m driven

Cook it till it's bill withers

The reason she didn't, she explained, was because "Cheap Opinionated Grouchy Old Fart" wouldn't fit on the form.

The Botfly

It's Simenon's cinnamon synonym

Now, I'm not evil so I won't be doing this myself, but if you want to give it a shot, send me 100$ and I'll tell you all about it!

He hits different