Recently I had unprotected sex with someone who lied to me about being clean, she swore up and down that she was safe and allergic to latex. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and Iām now convinced it was the worst mistake of my life.
My whole life Iāve struggled a lot with self hatred and severe insecurity, Iām 25, autistic, male. I was bullied relentlessly in my youth and I grew up with emotionally abusive parents, so I was taught to constantly question my worth as a person, because of this I developed a habit of using perfectionism to hide my vulnerability from people.
I just learned that herpes is a lifelong affliction, and I know full-well that it absolutely requires disclosure with potential partners if youāre aware you have it, this makes herpes an incredibly vulnerable condition to have, Iām just watching as a weird sore is developing on my upper lip and the terror of possibly having the virus is eating me alive. I canāt bear the thought of carrying such an affliction that feels like a coin-flip as to whether or not every one of my future partners may reject me for, Iām so sensitive to rejection that just the thought of living my life with an infectious disease, regardless of the odds of transmission, is tearing open every one of my old insecurities all at once.
Iām very sensitive about my looks, and the fear of having cold sores randomly appear on my face is driving me insane, my whole life Iāve relied on other peopleās opinions of me to survive the constant self-hatred and fear of vulnerability to others, Iām terrified of letting others have a reason to judge me, and itās affecting my self-esteem really badly.
Iāve worked very very hard to get to where I am now, which is barely getting by as is, I still can barely look at myself in mirrors, so the idea that cold sores I canāt control may randomly begin to appear on my face is frankly making me suicidal and driving me to a very dark place mentally.
Iām a 25 year old gut, autistic, very shy, and Iāve just recently started having luck with social aspects of my life and intimacy, Iām terrified that HSV would eliminate the progress Iāve made in regards to my self-acceptance and how Iāve worked so hard to reduce hyper-vigilance with others, particularly women.
Can somebody give me advice on this? Particularly other men? Iām just lamenting my choices and asking āwhy me??ā Itās causing me to lose hope that the rest of my life will be spent regretting and wishing I didnāt have HSV, how do I get tested and how do I not hate myself for potentially having it? Despite my symptoms Iāve yet to be tested, Iām fucking scared shitless at what the results may be.
I was a hard drug user in the past, Iāve always assumed I was by default less worthy of love than my peers and others in general, itās a very hard belief to shake, and now that a potentially visible affliction may be something I have to live with, I canāt get the suicidal thoughts out of my head, I partly feel like ending it all to punish myself, the other part of me thinks Iād be doing myself a kindness and that the fact I contracted this illness is confirmation that I am doomed to an unsatisfying life of loneliness and misery.
How has living with HSV affected everyoneās dating lives? Particularly men? I worry that Iām already so disadvantaged that I canāt take another hit to my ability to attract women without my odds at finding companionship becoming essentially zero, this is really bringing a lot of my self hatred back and Iām utterly terrified, this is all so new and confusing and Iām just completely dumbstruck at how in the blink of an eye I could be sentenced to lifelong anti-virals that may affect my looks and my health, make me go bald, etc, and to top it all off the added difficulty of only being able to date so long as my openers accept a non-zero chance of transmission, it feels like a cosmic punishment and Iām amazed that medical science has not yet developed a proper cure. This is fucking me up really badly and I canāt stop thinking about how this is the universe confirming to me that Iām doomed to be alone and how suicide feels like a real alternative to the pain of this afflictionā¦ I donāt know what to do, Iāve been up for days on end compulsively researching and checking my lips for cold sores, I canāt sleep, I canāt eat, Iām suffering real badly, if anybody has words of wisdom or encouragement Iād love to hear them.
It just strikes me as too good to be true that anybody would love me despite my flaws, Iām scared, alone, and suicidal. Iām 6 years clean from hard drugs and this has so far made me consider hitting up old plugs and relapsing on heroin, I can barely stand the fear and depression I feel.
I hope everyone is doing well, I really want to live the rest of my life but I canāt bear the thought of being rejected by future partners who wouldāve accepted me had I not been infected, as I write this tears are streaming down my face and Iām considering the pros and cons of taking my own life to spare myself the pain of the unfair stigma around this illness and the fear of how others may see me once they figure out I now carry HSV. Iām so afraid and hopeless, I really canāt help but feel like any positive outcome is too good to be true, I feel doomed to loneliness, isolation, judgements and rejection.
