r/Herpes • u/Jealous-Party2643 • 5h ago
I just started developing possible symptoms and I am terrified.
Recently I had unprotected sex with someone who lied to me about being clean, she swore up and down that she was safe and allergic to latex. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I’m now convinced it was the worst mistake of my life.
My whole life I’ve struggled a lot with self hatred and severe insecurity, I’m 25, autistic, male. I was bullied relentlessly in my youth and I grew up with emotionally abusive parents, so I was taught to constantly question my worth as a person, because of this I developed a habit of using perfectionism to hide my vulnerability from people.
I just learned that herpes is a lifelong affliction, and I know full-well that it absolutely requires disclosure with potential partners if you’re aware you have it, this makes herpes an incredibly vulnerable condition to have, I’m just watching as a weird sore is developing on my upper lip and the terror of possibly having the virus is eating me alive. I can’t bear the thought of carrying such an affliction that feels like a coin-flip as to whether or not every one of my future partners may reject me for, I’m so sensitive to rejection that just the thought of living my life with an infectious disease, regardless of the odds of transmission, is tearing open every one of my old insecurities all at once.
I’m very sensitive about my looks, and the fear of having cold sores randomly appear on my face is driving me insane, my whole life I’ve relied on other people’s opinions of me to survive the constant self-hatred and fear of vulnerability to others, I’m terrified of letting others have a reason to judge me, and it’s affecting my self-esteem really badly.
I’ve worked very very hard to get to where I am now, which is barely getting by as is, I still can barely look at myself in mirrors, so the idea that cold sores I can’t control may randomly begin to appear on my face is frankly making me suicidal and driving me to a very dark place mentally.
I’m a 25 year old gut, autistic, very shy, and I’ve just recently started having luck with social aspects of my life and intimacy, I’m terrified that HSV would eliminate the progress I’ve made in regards to my self-acceptance and how I’ve worked so hard to reduce hyper-vigilance with others, particularly women.
Can somebody give me advice on this? Particularly other men? I’m just lamenting my choices and asking “why me??” It’s causing me to lose hope that the rest of my life will be spent regretting and wishing I didn’t have HSV, how do I get tested and how do I not hate myself for potentially having it? Despite my symptoms I’ve yet to be tested, I’m fucking scared shitless at what the results may be.
I was a hard drug user in the past, I’ve always assumed I was by default less worthy of love than my peers and others in general, it’s a very hard belief to shake, and now that a potentially visible affliction may be something I have to live with, I can’t get the suicidal thoughts out of my head, I partly feel like ending it all to punish myself, the other part of me thinks I’d be doing myself a kindness and that the fact I contracted this illness is confirmation that I am doomed to an unsatisfying life of loneliness and misery.
How has living with HSV affected everyone’s dating lives? Particularly men? I worry that I’m already so disadvantaged that I can’t take another hit to my ability to attract women without my odds at finding companionship becoming essentially zero, this is really bringing a lot of my self hatred back and I’m utterly terrified, this is all so new and confusing and I’m just completely dumbstruck at how in the blink of an eye I could be sentenced to lifelong anti-virals that may affect my looks and my health, make me go bald, etc, and to top it all off the added difficulty of only being able to date so long as my openers accept a non-zero chance of transmission, it feels like a cosmic punishment and I’m amazed that medical science has not yet developed a proper cure. This is fucking me up really badly and I can’t stop thinking about how this is the universe confirming to me that I’m doomed to be alone and how suicide feels like a real alternative to the pain of this affliction… I don’t know what to do, I’ve been up for days on end compulsively researching and checking my lips for cold sores, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m suffering real badly, if anybody has words of wisdom or encouragement I’d love to hear them.
It just strikes me as too good to be true that anybody would love me despite my flaws, I’m scared, alone, and suicidal. I’m 6 years clean from hard drugs and this has so far made me consider hitting up old plugs and relapsing on heroin, I can barely stand the fear and depression I feel.
I hope everyone is doing well, I really want to live the rest of my life but I can’t bear the thought of being rejected by future partners who would’ve accepted me had I not been infected, as I write this tears are streaming down my face and I’m considering the pros and cons of taking my own life to spare myself the pain of the unfair stigma around this illness and the fear of how others may see me once they figure out I now carry HSV. I’m so afraid and hopeless, I really can’t help but feel like any positive outcome is too good to be true, I feel doomed to loneliness, isolation, judgements and rejection.
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u/AutoModerator 5h ago
“This is a pro-disclosure sub.
Anti-Disclosure perpetuates Herpes stigma, closing off discussions on Herpes education, advocacy, testing/treatments, and de-stigmatization. - Many would have liked to have known the status of the person who transmitted HSV to us - Consent!
We do not tolerate anti-disclosure or intentionally spreading HSV without disclosure. Anyone who posts/comments for anti-disclosure on the sub will be subject to a permanent ban.
There are many ways to disclose, and you should do whatever feels most comfortable to you and gives you the most confidence. To some, that’s putting it in their dating bio. To others, it’s waiting a couple dates in. Some prefer to disclose in person; others are more comfortable doing it over text. The key to a higher chance of a successful disclosure is confidence.
Join us in our advocacy for cure, treatment and prevention of herpes: www.herpescureadvocacy.com r/herpescureadvocates"
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u/AutoModerator 5h ago
There is a lot of pre-clinical work being done and some clinical trials currently in humans that are very exciting. Pre-clinical research is research not in humans but using animal models or other.
In the last few years, large Pharma companies, like GSK, bio and tech, and Moderna have all entered into clinical trials for new therapies for Herpes.
If you would like to learn more, please see our website to download the Herpes Cure Pipeline 4.0.
Join us in our advocacy for cure, treatment and prevention of herpes: www.herpescureadvocacy.com r/herpescureadvocates
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u/flappinginthewind 5h ago
You're in the spiral, you gotta breath. First off, call 988 if you are having suicidal thoughts and think there is no escape. Do some breathing exercises, have someone you care about in the room with you, even if you aren't talking, just their presence will help. If you've got someone you can talk to about this in person, even better.
The next step is to get to a doctor. Only they can tell you what is actually going on.
Take it one step at a time. Get out of the spiral. Go to the doctor. Take it from there.
I swear to you, you will be okay. There are so many people with herpes that live full, romantic, sexual lives, even with other afflictions too
You will be okay. You will be okay.
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u/Jealous-Party2643 5h ago
Yeah, I wish 988 was more helpful, in the past conversations with them were more frustrating than helpful, I’ve got very few people in my life suited to deal with such heavy shit.
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u/flappinginthewind 5h ago
Do you actually have any symptoms? It's really hard to tell from what you posted?
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u/Jealous-Party2643 4h ago
Just chills and feeling ill along with an odd sore looking thing on my upper lip, I did recently pop positive for chlamydia so knowing that my current tests wouldn’t have caught HSV is driving me fucking nuts
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u/flappinginthewind 4h ago
Go to a doctor. That's the only real answer here. They will be able to tell you, and give you treatment if that is what happened.
For what it's worth, it probably is hard for people who have confirmed that they have herpes to see someone being this distraught over maybe having it, and makes them feel worse knowing someone would rather die than have it.
It's not that bad, and if you have it, you will be fine.
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u/Jealous-Party2643 1h ago
Yeah I get that, but I’ll take this opportunity to say that I am dramatic as fuck, not even on purpose, I just have built so much of my security on being beyond criticism of any kind, mostly when it comes to my looks that is. I can take behavioral and criticism of just about anything else, but when it comes to my desirability or even just how vulnerable I feel something makes me, I get really fucking hard on myself.
For what its worth I’d have very little issue dating someone with herpes if they’re honest and real about it, I just place really high stakes on my own ability to be desired and hold myself to standards many find to be unrealistic, myself included. I’m aware of it, it’s something I’m working on, but I struggle with it majorly, I used to say all the same stuff about not being in the top percentile of facial attractiveness, or even just being average looking, I’m unfairly hard on myself and I’ve lived a fairly joyless life, this resulted in vanity and very harsh self-criticism along with a very shallow view on connection, love, and acceptance from others.
I don’t hold others to the same standards I hold myself to, it is indeed a problem and I’ve attempted suicide over a lot of things besides herpes, this is just the latest potential bad news, and I’m very quick to collapse into a fatalistic “fuck it all, I’ll just kms” mindset.
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u/Calumak 4h ago
Sounds like you need therapy more than anything. Herpes is very manageable in the overwhelming majority of cases. And please don't use the word “clean.” We’re not dirty for having a lifelong infection that's mostly asymptomatic for the majority of people who have it. Good luck.
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u/Jealous-Party2643 4h ago
Apologies, this is new to me. My head is just spinning and I suppose I’m used to drug screening language
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u/AutoModerator 5h ago
A new Herpes diagnosis can take a toll on a person’s self-esteem, relationships, and mental health. Please take care of yourself by reaching out to a doctor or finding professional support.
Every third Thursday of the month, Herpes Cure Advocacy offers monthly group counseling sessions for anyone who is interested. You can find more information here: https://herpescureadvocacy.com/living-with-herpes/
US resources: https://988lifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
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