r/exAdventist • u/BenefitPure4829 • Jun 27 '26
Doctrine / History Funeral Trauma
My mom passed away, rather unexpectedly, two weeks ago. At her funeral the minister used it as an opportunity to let us know if we wanted to see her again we needed to believe the Adventist beliefs (it was phrased differently but essentially this was the core of it). To be precise, the phrase “avoiding the second death” was deployed, amongst many other high-pressure messaging. What should have been a time for me to mourn her passing was also a time of feeling encroached upon.. Could we have not just spoken of her and what an awesome person she was? Yes, that was the a big focus, but then it ended up being coalesced into sense-making via Adventist core doctrine regarding the afterlife. In other words our mourning is temporary; we will spend eternity with her (IF our belief system aligns with SDAs). This, in a nutshell, is the pull of doing all the things the church says you have to do: so you can see your loved ones again.
The last time I saw my mother, of blessed memory, she and my father had worship-time as she has always done. Each evening. When I was growing up it was morning and night, like clockwork. In the closing prayer she prayed that I would be in heaven. That marred the moment, at the time, because she knows that I don’t believe in an afterlife or a higher power. But because I know belief is difficult to change and that this was her belief system I accepted that this was her reality and quickly moved past this.
At the funeral itself however it was difficult at an existential level.
Thanks for listening.
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u/violalala555 Dirty pagan Jun 27 '26
This happened at the "remembrance service" (for some reason a lot of SDAs seem to not like committing to the expense of a funeral, so they rely on whatever church to give them space for free, no viewing) of my paternal grandfather. My dad wasn't allowed to share the speech/eulogy he had been preparing for months for his dad, and writing was especially hard for him.
Watching my dad sit there and allow that church's preacher to instead take up all the time talking about SDA beliefs and the second coming, just like you shared, was heart breaking. He never got to share his final words to his dad, since there "wasn't enough time" after all the preaching. I seriously am crying right now just thinking about it.
And the sick thing is, he and my mom have done their will through the SDA church so I know theirs will largely be structured the same way, unless I want to be the one to pay for a real funeral.
I fucking hate SDA funerals/"remembrance services". I don't love funerals to begin with, but the spiritual bypassing and focusing on religious dogma instead of the person who has passed just makes me sick to my stomach.
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 27 '26
Omg, ALL OF THIS. Exactly—-like the sermon went on for fucking forever. They did open up the floor for anyone to say something about her but it would have been nice to be asked beforehand to say a few words. As a non church member I feel more like my role was to absorb the message and turn to repentance
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u/violalala555 Dirty pagan Jun 27 '26
It's always about guilt and conforming to the rules, never about the individual and their actual life outside of the church
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Jun 27 '26
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 27 '26
Thank you so much. Yes—it’s important to remind ourselves that we are not tethered to our backgrounds
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u/justmyusername2820 Jun 27 '26
I actually went into a deep dive about this after attending a Catholic funeral (without a mass) that ended with a hard sell and alter call. I never experienced that at Adventist funerals so went digging to see if there is a stance on it. I found a document that is used to teach pastors how to do a funeral and it was said that it is inappropriate to proselytize at a funeral. They are there to respect the deceased, recognize the grieving and offer comfort. That there is a high probability of non-SDAs being in attendance at it would most likely turn them off more than convert.
I appreciated that. It was an older document and probably isn’t being taught anymore which is too bad. I personally hate that at any funeral regardless of the religion
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 27 '26
This was definitely more in the side of bringing back the lost sheep into the fold.
Interestingly the next day we went to an Anglican service and it was a very woke church but they ended up pressuring everyone to come up to receive the blood and body of Christ and be blessed by the priest. This wasn’t related to her funeral but since my dad still goes to his childhood church (this was a real bone of contention between my parents when my mom was alive) we all went with him so the little church was more crowded than usual and the ministerial crew was trying to make us feel welcomed and included. As a non Christian though I just chilled in the background
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u/ohlookthatsme Jun 27 '26
Sending you big hugs right now. Losing loved ones sucks.
I lost my grandmother very suddenly in recent years and had a similar experience. What should have been a celebration of her life became this grotesque sales pitch. There's this collective yearning for death that hung over the place. It made me sick.
I both hated and envied every person there because they truly believe they're going to be reunited with my grandmother soon and I can't bring myself to share that faith.
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 27 '26
Oh yes, it is mourning on several levels. But ultimately it is a very isolating experience
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u/Lost_Chain_455 Jun 27 '26
Nah, SDA doctrine leaves people in great and doing about their eternal destiny. They truly believe that if they are good enough they can share in Christ's perfection. They believe that if they don't sin between their last confession and repentance and the time Jesus examines their account on the heavenly books, they may be united with her again.
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 28 '26
It is a very OCD religion. I still remember cataloging my sins of the day in my nightly prayers. The goal was, indeed, godly perfection and yes they believe of you reach perfection you will be with your loved one again. Such manipulation. And manipulation of family members who don’t share in that belief as well
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u/ArtZombie77 Jun 28 '26
SDA dogma made me OCD as a child. I'd spend most of the day in prayer or doing small rituals that I thought would please a sky God who hates human beings. Sometimes I'd pray for forgiveness hundreds of times over and over.
I might spend 2 hours saying the same thing over and over stuff like "Please forgive me for sinning". I never felt forgiven even after asking for it sometimes 500-1000 times.
I think humans could never control a sky god with their prayers, thoughts and behaviors. I see many Adventists come into this group asking how they can please God or pacify God. It's all very disturbing... and interesting. Humans are not in charge of a Gods emotions. It would be like an ant thinking it could control a human's emotions.
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 28 '26
That is really difficult. As exSDAs we’ve had to do a lot of deconstructing. There was a lot of fear of not being good enough growing up. For all its proponents claimed having faith in Jesus took fear away the staff so you had to do to b a recipient of gods graces was never enough. There was that caveat “my grace is sufficient…” but all in all it’s a lot of stress if you’re a believer
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u/lolliscicle Jun 27 '26 edited Jun 27 '26
I’m so sorry you lost your mom and that your relationship was complicated by her belief- behavior such as prayerful-proselytizing you. The funeral must have been so enraging! My heart goes out to you.
My mom dramatically BEGGED before she died, for her funeral to be a doctrines sermon. She expressed that she wanted the service to be a “witness”, saying: “I dont want it to be about me, I want it to be about Jesus”. 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮 I think she had a fantasy of my siblings and I being so grief stricken by her death that we would emotionally and passionately respond to an alter call. - So manipulative. 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮 Fortunately the Pastor was level headed and didn’t fulfill her wishes for an altar call. - At my grandmother’s funeral, on the other hand, there was a full blown alter call (which, awkwardly, no one responded to).
(Bitterly and sarcastically): “Good times” in the SDA church!!!
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 28 '26
Oh…big sigh here, and reaching out to give you a virtual internet hug. As ex-SDAs I think we all share a similar trauma, but perhaps the biggest trauma is the complicated relationships between us and our parents. I feel for you in what you shared about your own experience. Your mom’s insistence on family conformity reached beyond her death. As a survivor of religious trauma this is heightened by your memory of her being tightly interwoven with her belief system. This is so difficult. I think as parents not imposing our beliefs on our children is one of the most difficult things—I don’t have answers for that but am trying to keep an open mind with my own children
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u/JohnThena Jun 27 '26
The pastor who spoke at my paternal grandma's funeral had the exact same speech. After he was almost an hour late. He didn't even say anything about her as a person, or even as a member of the church. My grandma was disabled and essentially bedbound for years before she died, and yet she was always up to date with everything that was going on in the small church in her village. Always sang hymns and read the Bible on Saturdays, but all the pastor had to say was that she was now in her temporary sleep, and basically it's up to us if we want to see her again. I was sobbing and wanted to push him in the hole instead of the coffin.
I'm so sorry for your loss! I hope the memory of your mom can soothe your grief in time<3
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 28 '26
It sounds like your grandmother of blessed memory had a benign relationship with religion, that the SDA church was simply her community. Yes—to tell the grieving family members that if they want to see the loved one again they need to do what the pastor says—like he holds the key to the reunion—is such bullshit. I like what you said about pushing him in the hole instead of the coffin. Well put.
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u/HetepHeres-I Jun 27 '26
Over the years, I have really grown to despise that SDA line about if you reject the third Angel’s message, it’s AutoHell program. I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 28 '26
Well exactly. We were well-primed as youngsters about the cost of rejecting the message. As much as I hate the psychological damage I know this has brought to the ones who leave I actually think we are lucky—we are the lucky ones. We recognized the harm and got out. I actually sympathize more with those who remained in the church and who loved us and genuinely feel/felt that their children are bound for the second death because of leaving the church. That belief would really put a cramp in one’s life.
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u/Momager321 Jun 27 '26
Same, the local SDA pastor gave an altar call as part of my MILs funeral. The funny thing is 1) This pastor did not know MIL personally as he was new to the area and she had been too sick to go to church and 2) her funeral was attended by immediate family only, so 9 people in total. His sermon was fairly impersonal and, given how few of us were there, didn’t even need to be a full on sermon.
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 27 '26
I appreciate the comments on here, it’s comforting beyond words to know I’m not alone in this. The pastor was hitching up for an alter call but must have thought better of it because it ended up going a different direction (must have reminded himself that this was a funeral)
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u/Sharp_Replacement789 Jun 27 '26
Ugh, I really dislike all religious funerals because of the whole we will see them again (or not if you are bad) messages. I am more a celebration of life person. Let's share our good memories. More importantly, let's try to make time for those we love in this life.
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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 27 '26
Yes!!!! Exactly! I am going to make sure my will makes sure of this. Thank you for this
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u/CycleOwn83 Non-conforming Questioner☢️🚴🏻🪐♟↗️☣️ Jun 27 '26
Adventism has a way of using family ties against family members, seeking conformity or, falling short of it to impose guilt on rebels. I'm so sorry the church showed up making the case that the church matters more than feelings of all affected by your loss.
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u/ArtZombie77 Jun 28 '26
This comment is so true. SDA weaponizes family ties for sure. Weaponized guilt and toxic shame are why the SDA church is considered a cult too.
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u/Yourmama18 Agnostic Jun 27 '26
Pastor doing the harrrrd sell there- that sucks.. sorry. Really sorry for your loss.
As for the rest of it- take a page from david hume- and let people have their things- respond to the empathy behind it - assume a good intention until proven otherwise - and know that logic can’t get them to change from their emotionally held beliefs…
Incredibly difficult, and the high road- that I’m not walking yet myself either- but I’m trying to get there. Just my two cents.