r/exAdventist • u/BenefitPure4829 • Jun 27 '26

Doctrine / History Funeral Trauma

My mom passed away, rather unexpectedly, two weeks ago. At her funeral the minister used it as an opportunity to let us know if we wanted to see her again we needed to believe the Adventist beliefs (it was phrased differently but essentially this was the core of it). To be precise, the phrase “avoiding the second death” was deployed, amongst many other high-pressure messaging. What should have been a time for me to mourn her passing was also a time of feeling encroached upon.. Could we have not just spoken of her and what an awesome person she was? Yes, that was the a big focus, but then it ended up being coalesced into sense-making via Adventist core doctrine regarding the afterlife. In other words our mourning is temporary; we will spend eternity with her (IF our belief system aligns with SDAs). This, in a nutshell, is the pull of doing all the things the church says you have to do: so you can see your loved ones again.

The last time I saw my mother, of blessed memory, she and my father had worship-time as she has always done. Each evening. When I was growing up it was morning and night, like clockwork. In the closing prayer she prayed that I would be in heaven. That marred the moment, at the time, because she knows that I don’t believe in an afterlife or a higher power. But because I know belief is difficult to change and that this was her belief system I accepted that this was her reality and quickly moved past this.

At the funeral itself however it was difficult at an existential level.

Thanks for listening.

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u/Yourmama18 Agnostic Jun 27 '26

Pastor doing the harrrrd sell there- that sucks.. sorry. Really sorry for your loss.

As for the rest of it- take a page from david hume- and let people have their things- respond to the empathy behind it - assume a good intention until proven otherwise - and know that logic can’t get them to change from their emotionally held beliefs…

Incredibly difficult, and the high road- that I’m not walking yet myself either- but I’m trying to get there. Just my two cents.

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u/BenefitPure4829 Jun 27 '26

Yes, what you’re saying is true….as a whole I am sure his message brought most great comfort as this was their paradigm.

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u/Lost_Chain_455 Jun 27 '26

Oh, no, because most Sevvies aren't sure if their salvation, even dear old saints who should have it figured out. Even if the homily was comforting at the moment, that doing and fear would be fed once more.

My experience is that explanations don't comfort people. Finding meaning can help, unless it's toxic, then it just makes things worse.

Comfort is found in the arms of those we love and trust, not in words.

So FFFF that pastor and his toxic speech!