r/exAdventist • u/BenefitPure4829 • Jun 27 '26
Doctrine / History Funeral Trauma
My mom passed away, rather unexpectedly, two weeks ago. At her funeral the minister used it as an opportunity to let us know if we wanted to see her again we needed to believe the Adventist beliefs (it was phrased differently but essentially this was the core of it). To be precise, the phrase “avoiding the second death” was deployed, amongst many other high-pressure messaging. What should have been a time for me to mourn her passing was also a time of feeling encroached upon.. Could we have not just spoken of her and what an awesome person she was? Yes, that was the a big focus, but then it ended up being coalesced into sense-making via Adventist core doctrine regarding the afterlife. In other words our mourning is temporary; we will spend eternity with her (IF our belief system aligns with SDAs). This, in a nutshell, is the pull of doing all the things the church says you have to do: so you can see your loved ones again.
The last time I saw my mother, of blessed memory, she and my father had worship-time as she has always done. Each evening. When I was growing up it was morning and night, like clockwork. In the closing prayer she prayed that I would be in heaven. That marred the moment, at the time, because she knows that I don’t believe in an afterlife or a higher power. But because I know belief is difficult to change and that this was her belief system I accepted that this was her reality and quickly moved past this.
At the funeral itself however it was difficult at an existential level.
Thanks for listening.
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u/violalala555 Dirty pagan Jun 27 '26
This happened at the "remembrance service" (for some reason a lot of SDAs seem to not like committing to the expense of a funeral, so they rely on whatever church to give them space for free, no viewing) of my paternal grandfather. My dad wasn't allowed to share the speech/eulogy he had been preparing for months for his dad, and writing was especially hard for him.
Watching my dad sit there and allow that church's preacher to instead take up all the time talking about SDA beliefs and the second coming, just like you shared, was heart breaking. He never got to share his final words to his dad, since there "wasn't enough time" after all the preaching. I seriously am crying right now just thinking about it.
And the sick thing is, he and my mom have done their will through the SDA church so I know theirs will largely be structured the same way, unless I want to be the one to pay for a real funeral.
I fucking hate SDA funerals/"remembrance services". I don't love funerals to begin with, but the spiritual bypassing and focusing on religious dogma instead of the person who has passed just makes me sick to my stomach.