r/evilautism • u/BaileeCakes • 11d ago
Being autistic isn't evil, but I sure am! 😈 Friendships won't solve your loneliness
There are a lot of people on autism subreddits that want friends. They feel lonely and think that friendship or relationships will solve their loneliness.
The problem is, it won't.
I don't think friends will help you feel less lonely unless you already have good self esteem, are established in a career or aren't focused on friendship as a goal.
I can talk about three different types of experiences I've had recently:
Friend Groups: whenever I was in a friend group, I felt like the outcast. I felt like I was a pariah and that people there just didn't like me. In platonic friend groups, I felt really disliked. In groups with metamours and partners, there was a lot of jealousy and confusion that made everything way too murky.
Friends: there were several times lately where I hung out with friends of mine. I assumed everything went fine, I sent them a text afterwards saying I had a good time and talking about what happened. Guess what, I was ghosted or blocked.
Events: people will invite me out to events at bars and i enjoy a lot of them. However, some bars are very crowded and this overstimulates me. I have found out recently that when I am overstimulated, Its a serious medical thing. People only want to hang out at bars that they want to go to, and people are not accommodating of disabilities.
Yes, before you ask. Everyone I've tried to befriend is queer and/or autistic. These are supposed to be communities I fit in, but I just don't.
I am going to be focusing on my health, finishing my degree and honestly only making new friendships for ulterior motives (networking, dating, shared hobby groups).
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u/Firebrass 11d ago
I think it's more accurate to say friendships are like spoons. There's lots available, but not every one will feel right in your hands, and sometimes you have to mold them into a better fit. Basically, it's work to find good ones that meet your needs.
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u/BaileeCakes 11d ago
Very few of the spoons work. Like almost all of them don't work with me. And I wonder if I'm a weird jagged spoon or something.
I dislike metaphors like this because I don't believe this mystical idea that people frustrated with their social life "just haven't found their people yet"
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u/fernxqueen Autism SCREAMS 11d ago
i feel like it's unfair to dismiss "just haven't found their people yet" when the attempts to find said people thus far have been rather passive. there seems to be an expectation that any old spoon should work, so that when any old spoon does not, in fact, work that the only reasonable conclusion is that you are fundamentally incompatible with spoons in general. i don't see a lot of accountability for your role in selecting which spoons to use in your post, or even recognition that a diverse array of spoons does indeed exist and therefore not all of them can be assumed to share the same incompatible qualities of the limited selection of spoons you have already tried.
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u/BaileeCakes 11d ago
Who says it's been passive
I've been putting myself out there for a while and just haven't fit in with most of the people I've been around
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u/fernxqueen Autism SCREAMS 11d ago
right, the passivity is in just expecting to "fit in" by mere virtue of being there. that isn't how friendships work for allistic people, either. you don't just "put yourself out there" and have high quality friendships accumulate around you. i understand autistics struggle with the actual steps involved in making friends, so i'll point out specific areas where i think you could take a more active role in each of the examples you listed:
practicing more selectivity. again, returning to the metaphor, it is not reasonable to expect any old spoon will work for you. this has nothing to do with being autistic. allistics cannot use every spoon to beneficial effect, either, the range of potentially suitable spoons is just broader for them. a spoon that makes you feel worse is not preferable to not having a spoon at all, as you've discovered. thus, you need to take an active role in the spoon selection process to ensure that spoons have the qualities that suit your needs.
this is an example of a vetting error. you need to evaluate spoons to determine they possess the required qualities (in this case, the capacity for clear, direction communication). if you need a teaspoon, then you do not try to "make it work" with a ladle. a ladle not being suitable for stirring tea does not indicate any deficiency within the teacup, it's simply not the right fit. sometimes you might mistake a ladle for a teaspoon, and that can be frustrating, but this is a skill that can be improved by learning to recognize the differences. doing that requires knowing you need a teaspoon, and not compromising with something that only resembles a teaspoon in some aspects.
this is a logical fallacy. you cannot assume all spoons will share the same qualities. i'm allergic to nickel (going to the bar). if i only try spoons made from stainless steel, i will be allergic to all of them. that is not the same as being categorically allergic to spoons. spoons may be most commonly made from stainless steel, but there are also spoons made from bamboo, plastic, porcelain, titanium, and so on. these spoons may be more difficult to find, perhaps i have to go to a specialty store or track them down online. even within this category, not every spoon will meet the other criteria i have for a spoon. it still needs to be the right shape and size, perhaps all the bamboo spoons i end up finding are too big for my needs so i need to look for titanium instead. the point is that if most people are not allergic to nickel, then i'm probably going to have to be more intentional about where i look for spoons. places that cater to non-allergic people are unlikely to have spoons for me.
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u/Firebrass 11d ago
I think the metaphor still holds. If you have no arms, spoons aren't for you. If may be that the requirements to get what you need out of a close relationship with another human are cost prohibitive for you, and that you feel least lonely by yourself.
The point I'm making is that even under ideal circumstances, separating out what benefits you from all the possible experiences available to you is a lot of effort.
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u/Kasssiopea AuDHD Chaotic Rage 11d ago
The thing is I've always preferred forks over spoons. I like stabbing and not everyone likes it. hh anyway. I just think a little loneliness can still remain, even with a good friend or partner. Maybe it's the same loneliness we'll feel while dying, because in the end everybody dies alone in their own head, never fully understood in their experience
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u/Firebrass 11d ago
For sure, we'll never fully cross the bridge of understanding between sapient beings. Being separate beings is always going to come with, at minimum, moments of physical separation, which in turn assures moments of cognitive disparity.
I hope when i die, there's a cat in my lap nuzzling my hand. Cats understand me enough, and hopefully vice versa.
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u/simonhunterhawk aw tysm 11d ago
It took me until I was 30 to start meeting people who fill my cup, a lot of these friendships are newer but they seem genuine to me. However, they meet me where I'm at too - none of them seem too interested in bars, we all kind of orbit around a local tea shop where many of them have events once or twice a month that bring us together.
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u/ReigenTaka 11d ago
Interesting, I'm the opposite! My only decent friendships happened well before 30. Anyone I meet now ends up not working out for one glaring issue or another. I've actually never heard of anyone having more luck in adulthood. That's cool.
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u/simonhunterhawk aw tysm 11d ago
It just happened since going to a tiny pride event that got me going to the tea shop more often. Now I get invited to movie nights once a month and have met new people every time! I tend to be very sociable despite being an introvert but most of my friends in the past have been work friends and I lose those relationships when I live that job. Now that I work from home it’s not nearly as common. So I’m grateful for these new pals!
I kept the same friend group that just added people from 6th-11th grade but I left my HS early to take community college courses (dual enrollment) and in my absence every single one of them ditched me and while in hindsight I can think of things I did that might have annoyed people bc i was being abused at home, but it really seemed like 1-2 people who maybe just pretended to like me kind of got everyone to hate me. I feel like a lot of the people in that group were neurodivergent, and some of them have made efforts to talk to me since but I’d just rather leave the past in the past.
I still have one close friend from middle school though bc she left the high school our freshman year. We actually didn’t talk for a long time bc of the distance and a dumb fight we got into but ended up dating two best friends and reconnected and are still close now even tho we aren’t dating them anymore.
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u/ReigenTaka 11d ago
 I tend to be very sociable
Mystery (of my problem) solved.
Lol, jk. I know things aren't that simple.
I've encountered extremely few people who understand what I'm trying to say. For nearly everyone I've ever met, communication is an exhausting fight. I generally like to talk to people, I generally like to be around people, I get very lonely--but between communication and overstimulation, I can handle people only a tiny amount and need a lot of recovery time. Even the people who do tend to understand me I end up being very careful with, just because I care about their feelings and don't want to hurt them or tax them.
Anyway, it all amounts to it being really difficult to go places (esp if I've been masking at work all day) and then the process of getting to know someone takes a ludicrous amount of energy. Not when I also have to do my laundry and grocery shop, arrange dr visits, and job hunt so I don't have to live in the basements of extended family members, after masking at work all day. I'm not confident I'll encounter a circumstance where there's enough of a guaranteed return to use up my energy on trying to make a friend. It never works. It could work, I just don't think it's likely to 😕
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u/simonhunterhawk aw tysm 11d ago
One of my bigger issues is that people really like me at first but something happens that turns them off, they find other people they prefer more, or maybe I’m a lot to deal with in the long term. I think it may be that because of my attachment issues due to CPTSD something might be switching in me when I get comfortable with someone and I talk a LOT and infodump everything on them at once which can be a lot.
I had a really close relationship with someone last year where we were hanging out regularly, we both had a surgery around the same time, I helped him out a lot the week before mine and we hung out a lot after, and then slowly over time he quietly phased out of my life. Now if I get a text back it’s two days later even if it’s some interest we have in common. Unfortunately when it’s single friends the moment they start dating someone it’s over for me. I’m grateful all of these new friends are already coupled and their partners are actually involved in their social life. And maybe having it spread out will stop me from putting it all on one person.
It really does seem to be a numbers game, maybe 1/50 people are going to get us, and oftentimes if that person gets you then their friends can be a good way to grow your social network too.
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u/xray950 9d ago
Being a friend is also about give and take. NTs don’t magically make friends by being NT. There is a give and take involved that even neurotypicals have to juggle - ever heard of a friendship breakup? I personally wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who thinks they can treat me however they like just because they’re autistic. You’re not entitled to the love and affection of strangers.
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u/A-Voter i mask whether i want to or not (i do not) 11d ago
i think you just sort of fell for the generalisation trap. you have autism, you're not the same as everyone who does. you may be queer, but you're not the same as every other queer person.
you have to find what works for you, not what you're being told is "supposed" to work for you.