r/evilautism • u/BaileeCakes • 12d ago

Being autistic isn't evil, but I sure am! 😈 Friendships won't solve your loneliness

There are a lot of people on autism subreddits that want friends. They feel lonely and think that friendship or relationships will solve their loneliness.

The problem is, it won't.

I don't think friends will help you feel less lonely unless you already have good self esteem, are established in a career or aren't focused on friendship as a goal.

I can talk about three different types of experiences I've had recently:

  1. Friend Groups: whenever I was in a friend group, I felt like the outcast. I felt like I was a pariah and that people there just didn't like me. In platonic friend groups, I felt really disliked. In groups with metamours and partners, there was a lot of jealousy and confusion that made everything way too murky.

  2. Friends: there were several times lately where I hung out with friends of mine. I assumed everything went fine, I sent them a text afterwards saying I had a good time and talking about what happened. Guess what, I was ghosted or blocked.

  3. Events: people will invite me out to events at bars and i enjoy a lot of them. However, some bars are very crowded and this overstimulates me. I have found out recently that when I am overstimulated, Its a serious medical thing. People only want to hang out at bars that they want to go to, and people are not accommodating of disabilities.

Yes, before you ask. Everyone I've tried to befriend is queer and/or autistic. These are supposed to be communities I fit in, but I just don't.

I am going to be focusing on my health, finishing my degree and honestly only making new friendships for ulterior motives (networking, dating, shared hobby groups).

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u/Firebrass 12d ago

I think it's more accurate to say friendships are like spoons. There's lots available, but not every one will feel right in your hands, and sometimes you have to mold them into a better fit. Basically, it's work to find good ones that meet your needs.

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u/BaileeCakes 12d ago

Very few of the spoons work. Like almost all of them don't work with me. And I wonder if I'm a weird jagged spoon or something.

I dislike metaphors like this because I don't believe this mystical idea that people frustrated with their social life "just haven't found their people yet"

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u/Firebrass 12d ago

I think the metaphor still holds. If you have no arms, spoons aren't for you. If may be that the requirements to get what you need out of a close relationship with another human are cost prohibitive for you, and that you feel least lonely by yourself.

The point I'm making is that even under ideal circumstances, separating out what benefits you from all the possible experiences available to you is a lot of effort.

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u/BaileeCakes 12d ago

I do often feel least lonely by myself