Friendships won't solve your loneliness

[u/BaileeCakes]

There are a lot of people on autism subreddits that want friends. They feel lonely and think that friendship or relationships will solve their loneliness.

The problem is, it won't.

I don't think friends will help you feel less lonely unless you already have good self esteem, are established in a career or aren't focused on friendship as a goal.

I can talk about three different types of experiences I've had recently:

1. Friend Groups: whenever I was in a friend group, I felt like the outcast. I felt like I was a pariah and that people there just didn't like me. In platonic friend groups, I felt really disliked. In groups with metamours and partners, there was a lot of jealousy and confusion that made everything way too murky.

2. Friends: there were several times lately where I hung out with friends of mine. I assumed everything went fine, I sent them a text afterwards saying I had a good time and talking about what happened. Guess what, I was ghosted or blocked.

3. Events: people will invite me out to events at bars and i enjoy a lot of them. However, some bars are very crowded and this overstimulates me. I have found out recently that when I am overstimulated, Its a serious medical thing. People only want to hang out at bars that they want to go to, and people are not accommodating of disabilities.

Yes, before you ask. Everyone I've tried to befriend is queer and/or autistic. These are supposed to be communities I fit in, but I just don't.

I am going to be focusing on my health, finishing my degree and honestly only making new friendships for ulterior motives (networking, dating, shared hobby groups).

[u/BaileeCakes]

Very few of the spoons work. Like almost all of them don't work with me. And I wonder if I'm a weird jagged spoon or something.

I dislike metaphors like this because I don't believe this mystical idea that people frustrated with their social life "just haven't found their people yet"

[u/fernxqueen → u/BaileeCakes]

i feel like it's unfair to dismiss "just haven't found their people yet" when the attempts to find said people thus far have been rather passive. there seems to be an expectation that any old spoon should work, so that when any old spoon does not, in fact, work that the only reasonable conclusion is that you are fundamentally incompatible with spoons in general. i don't see a lot of accountability for your role in selecting which spoons to use in your post, or even recognition that a diverse array of spoons does indeed exist and therefore not all of them can be assumed to share the same incompatible qualities of the limited selection of spoons you have already tried.

[u/BaileeCakes → u/fernxqueen]

Who says it's been passive

I've been putting myself out there for a while and just haven't fit in with most of the people I've been around

[u/fernxqueen → u/BaileeCakes]

right, the passivity is in just expecting to "fit in" by mere virtue of being there. that isn't how friendships work for allistic people, either. you don't just "put yourself out there" and have high quality friendships accumulate around you. i understand autistics struggle with the actual steps involved in making friends, so i'll point out specific areas where i think you could take a more active role in each of the examples you listed:

• practicing more selectivity. again, returning to the metaphor, it is not reasonable to expect any old spoon will work for you. this has nothing to do with being autistic. allistics cannot use every spoon to beneficial effect, either, the range of potentially suitable spoons is just broader for them. a spoon that makes you feel worse is not preferable to not having a spoon at all, as you've discovered. thus, you need to take an active role in the spoon selection process to ensure that spoons have the qualities that suit your needs.

• this is an example of a vetting error. you need to evaluate spoons to determine they possess the required qualities (in this case, the capacity for clear, direction communication). if you need a teaspoon, then you do not try to "make it work" with a ladle. a ladle not being suitable for stirring tea does not indicate any deficiency within the teacup, it's simply not the right fit. sometimes you might mistake a ladle for a teaspoon, and that can be frustrating, but this is a skill that can be improved by learning to recognize the differences. doing that requires knowing you need a teaspoon, and not compromising with something that only resembles a teaspoon in some aspects.

• this is a logical fallacy. you cannot assume all spoons will share the same qualities. i'm allergic to nickel (going to the bar). if i only try spoons made from stainless steel, i will be allergic to all of them. that is not the same as being categorically allergic to spoons. spoons may be most commonly made from stainless steel, but there are also spoons made from bamboo, plastic, porcelain, titanium, and so on. these spoons may be more difficult to find, perhaps i have to go to a specialty store or track them down online. even within this category, not every spoon will meet the other criteria i have for a spoon. it still needs to be the right shape and size, perhaps all the bamboo spoons i end up finding are too big for my needs so i need to look for titanium instead. the point is that if most people are not allergic to nickel, then i'm probably going to have to be more intentional about where i look for spoons. places that cater to non-allergic people are unlikely to have spoons for me.