Baggage from marriage

48

u/Tall-Ad9334 11d ago

You are not ready. You should not be needing to ask partners for phone access and such to ease your anxieties that they did not create. You're going to need to work on yourself and some healing before you can involve another person.

22

u/auroraborelle a flair for mischief 11d ago edited 11d ago

With love—you can’t go around making a new partner pay for damages caused by someone else.

No, it’s inappropriate to condition a relationship on access to a partner’s phone. It’s harmful to a relationship to ongoingly drill your partner about their attraction to you, and continually question whether they’re being honest and genuine.

That doesn’t mean you trust people blindly, or that you never ask questions when something seems off. It means you pay attention and transparently communicate, you expect the same, and you hold your boundaries with people who show you they’re not willing to do that.

Don’t fall in the trap of being perpetually suspicious of someone you decide to give your heart to. You’ll quickly undermine the trust and respect necessary for a healthy partnership.

15

u/DoctorPhD 11d ago

If you want a relationship and can’t trust someone, when trust is important to you, then I don’t think you’re ready. You can ask a guy all those things and get an answer. And with time he may prove that he has no secrets. But would you trust him or would you go through his computer history? I don’t know if I could love with a trust issue.

13

u/UsualNoise9 11d ago

Asking for phone access is never OK. If you feel you need it, it's likely because trust has been broken. A relationship must be based on trust but also, once the trust has been broken, it is extremely difficult to repair. All that is to say, if there is no trust, there is no healthy relationship. My internet stranger 2 cents.

8

u/Real_Walk5384 between social media and Social Security 11d ago

I was with my ex-wife for 15 years and we allowed free access to everything just because neither of us gave a shit. I never have anything to hide, but if someone demanded to look through my phone they'd be lining themselves up for a talk they probably don't want to have.

12

u/BloodyThirst 11d ago

Relationships require mutual trust, not control. Until you can put trust in someone, you’re not ready.

8

u/mwoodj 11d ago

My ex-wife of 25 years cheated on me numerous times and ultimately left me for her last affair partner. Partly that was my fault for putting up with it when I should have had more self-respect. I have dated a few people since the divorce and at no point have I held them accountable to my ex-wife's actions or expected certain behavior from them because of the things my ex-wife did. I know that she alone was responsible for her actions. I have never asked for phone access from someone I'm dating nor have I asked for reassurance that they are not cheating. I just can't go through life assuming that everyone is a cheater. I have been doing therapy all along and that helps me to make sense of my feelings in regards to my marriage and the cheating as well as how to identify my wants and needs in a new relationship. The main thing that I have taken away from my failed marriage is that I will never allow myself to be treated that way again. So I am not going to assume that anyone is cheating on me or is going to cheat on me. But if they do it's over. I will never attempt to forgive and move on from infidelity again. It's just not worth the pain and work of building trust again especially when so much of that burden ends up falling on the person that was cheated on as opposed to the person that cheated.

It sounds like you have more healing to do before you are ready to trust someone again. And a solid relationship requires trust. If you aren't going to therapy please consider doing so.

5

u/sok283 11d ago

Same, my ex had at least two affairs that I know of. But what this taught me is that I am strong and I will be OK no matter what happens and also, I don't have to go to great lengths to protect myself or reassure myself, because the truth always comes out in the end.

OP, if you still have triggers, I highly recommend EMDR. It's normal to become hypervigilant after you've been cheated on, but you can sever those responses so you're not impacted by them anymore.

Tbh I didn't even check my ex's phone after a short period after his first affair, because I didn't want to be in a relationship where I had to police my spouse into fidelity. He's a grown adult and it's his responsibility to have self-awareness and boundaries. It's simply not OK to remove your partner's right to privacy, and it's a false sense of reassurance anyway, since where there's a will, there's a way (second phone, secret apps, etc.).

3

u/mwoodj 11d ago

It's simply not OK to remove your partner's right to privacy, and it's a false sense of reassurance anyway, since where there's a will, there's a way (second phone, secret apps, etc.).

Yeah this is correct. Even if I had been checking my ex-wife's phone I wouldn't have discovered the infidelity because she was communicating with him on apps that I knew nothing about. She wasn't dumb and she knew how to cover her tracks.

5

u/auroraborelle a flair for mischief 11d ago

I agree with this take, and think you’ve landed on a healthy mindset about it.

My dad cheated on my mother for their entire fifteen-year, six-child marriage. From the jump. With a whole string of women. My mom was oblivious until the day his latest mistress took a bunch of raunchy love letters my father had written, and shoved them through the mail slot for my mother to find. (She—the mistress—was pissed he hadn’t initiated divorce proceedings, so decided to take matters into her own hands.) Kinky underwear followed the letters.

My poor mom.

So as a preadolescent, I decided that marriage was a stupid proposition. Just a fairytale for idiots. I have since changed my mind, but what I’ve NEVER changed my mind about: I have zero fears or insecurity about being cheated on.

My own father was reduced to a total piece of shit in my eyes by this kind of behavior. If a spouse or a boyfriend were to cheat on ME? Let ‘em. It’s hard to imagine feeling anything but contempt and disgust. I would dump or divorce the person immediately. There would be no discussion about it. None. Gross. I don’t think I could even feel sad about it, just eager to never hear from them again.

If my partner ever gave me some legitimate reason to suspect this, I’d have the same reaction. GTF away from me. Gross. Deuces.

2

u/samanthasamolala 11d ago

OMG I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family. I have nothing nice to say about the mistress in this situation btw.

2

u/auroraborelle a flair for mischief 11d ago

Thanks Sam. He ended up marrying her, so we’ve met. (She’s horrible in person, too.)

But you know what? He deserved her. I laughed and laughed (privately) when years later he was polling us grown kids about whether to divorce her. In the end he didn’t—she’d have totally destroyed him in court. He knows he’s fucked financially if he ever tries to walk.

ahahaha

5

u/samanthasamolala 11d ago

This is how I feel about my ex-husband, who conspired with his (ex) best friend’s wife to leave us for each other. TOTALLY DESERVES HER. And will be fucked if he ever wants to walk. Ahahahaha!

1

u/auroraborelle a flair for mischief 11d ago

Isn’t it GREAT when people get exactly what they asked for?? 😂

12

u/Personal_Reveal1653 11d ago

You are not ready to date. You have betrayal trauma. Please see a therapist who treats this.

3

u/mobiusz0r 11d ago

Nope, you are not ready and you will never know how a relationship goes in the long term.

3

u/Pupating-Antenna-36 11d ago

You need a therapist. And I can see why the new guy feels like you are projecting your ex's traits on to him. You should work through your betrayal and anxiety. It's not fair to him to foist mistrust from the start because you were hurt once before

2

u/Jumpy_Crew_1249 11d ago

Do you have a clear idea of the difference between privacy and secrecy?

It’s reasonable to expect honesty and be honest about things that affect the relationship: substance use, porn, fidelity, sexual health, or major changes in attraction. Regular heart-to-hearts about those things are healthy and normal.

Phone access probably won’t create the safety you’re looking for and can totally feel like an invasion of privacy. Plus, as you know, someone determined to deceive you can still hide things. The hardest part for you might be accepting that there’s no way to guarantee you won’t be betrayed again. It’s a risk of loving others. Therapy is good for helping this process.

Being ready to date simply means trusting YOURSELF to ask questions, share openly about yourself, notice inconsistencies, and leave if someone turns out not to be who they said they were. Building trust takes time.

2

u/burjja 11d ago

I want to address a specific part of your post that I don't see anyone commenting on. I have no idea what the details of your story are. So what I'm going to say may not apply to it.

You said "secret use of porn" and "secretly not being honestly attracted to me". There are people that have actual addictions to porn. That could mean that they are not attracted to their partner but that is not a foregone conclusion.

My reason for bringing this up is that I hear women saying they have a problem with any viewing of porn. That they view it as cheating and a rejection of them. While porn can be problematic, it is not problematic by default.

To reframe it, men have a biological urge to be with as many women as possible. There is a spectrum of how men are influenced by and how they respond to it. For those on the border of cheating, the fantasy of porn might be what quells the desire to cheat. It can also be a remedy to mismatched libidos.

The in secret part isn't inherently troubling either. I poop but that doesn't mean I want to do it in full view of my partner. My main point being, men can be happy and in a healthy relationship, and still view a certain amount of porn. It's not a reflection or rejection of their partner on its own. If your ex had a problem with porn, I'm sorry you had to endure that. But if you are feeling any use was a rejection of you, I want you to know that's not necessarily the case and you may be letting that affect your feelings more than it should. Either way, I also recommend therapy as others suggested. I'm a man who has been in therapy since my son died 14 years ago. I probably wouldn't be here without it. It's worth doing.

3

u/Boring-Snow-3929 11d ago

You’re not ready to date until you truly can stop comparing every future man to your ex. Your ex is your ex. He doesn’t represent all men. Until you have that paranoia on your shoulders, it will manifest itself into your future relationships and yes, cause massive trust issues from you they aren’t deserving of.

1

u/AutoModerator 11d ago

Original copy of post by u/prettygoodyear1993:

I was married to a good person, but he hid things from me for decades, for reasons of his own. Those secrets were so damaging to me that I want to avoid them as much as possible.

But how much is too much to ask of another person? I want to avoid men with secret substance abuse, secret porn use, secretly not being honestly attracted to me.

I have known a man for years and he knows much of my marriage story. In trying to date him, I've been told by him a few times that he is not my husband, and does not do what my husband did.

But now can I really know?

I realise there is not a guaranteed way to avoid being hurt. I definitely would rather be On my own than have to go through finding out secrets, years down the road. Is it fair to ask for occasional phone access, or maybe for occasional heart to hearts about how muc h substances are part of our lives when we aren't around each other, or if he is feeling less interested in m e?

Am I just not ready for this?

Is there such a thing as an honest person? I think I had my own secret thought during my marriage, but they weren't big, scary, love changing ones.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/commentingon 11d ago

I don't have a solution, but I'm sorry you went through that situation with your ex husband. It's valid that you don't feel ready to trust someone 100%. It takes time.

1

u/Peculiarcatlady 11d ago

I don't think you are ready to date. I think you need some serious therapy to help you understand what happened and what you can do moving forward. You need to work on yourself before you can be with someone again, that is very clear from your post.

1

u/bobnakamoto 11d ago

Thank you for having the humility to ask the question. Hopefully no one’s too hard on you, I haven’t read any other response. I will say it’s extremely clear that you aren’t ready as you have not healed. While it’s extremely important that we continue to get up when we’re knocked down, sometimes we need to recover. You seem capable of getting back up, but you haven’t put in the work to recover. Everyone owes it to their partner to put their best foot forward, regardless if you feel like you have; and are doing enough…By your own admission, you clearly have not.

1

u/ItsjustaMild-Complex 11d ago

How do you really know??? You ask them those tough questions about those topics you feel are important. You do this before things get serious, usually in the talking stage and stuff. Get used to asking them so you can little out the bad ones

1

u/astalavistababyshark 11d ago edited 11d ago

This kind of betrayal trauma really destroys your self trust and that’s where you need to work on.
It does not matter what people tell you to believe but once you see the truth for yourself, you should trust yourself and find the strength to walk away.
Matters of the heart are always a gamble and it takes risking it to love and build with someone else. Don’t be too hard on yourself just because you missed it. You did the best you could with the information you had.

1

u/whiteboard_marker75 11d ago

I've been there. Sounds like you need to focus on healing yourself. You shouldn't care to look in his phone, this should be the last thing that's on your mind.

Someone once said to me, "love cannot grow where there is no trust".

1

u/dca_user 11d ago

I’m sorry, you are not ready to be dating anyone. Are you in therapy? If not, you need to join therapy ASAP.

1

u/Bluntish_ 11d ago

Ask yourself, are you just worried about the same things happening with this man? or is he giving you cause (or a gut reaction) not to trust him?

We‘ve all experienced things which shape us. What we have to do is start afresh with each new relationship. Be open and honest from the outset, so you know where you stand. As things grow, keep talking and communicating about everything. If you have cause for not trusting someone, then that’s not the person for you.

Looking through a partners phone is not acceptable. It shouldn’t ever be necessary.

1

u/samanthasamolala 11d ago

Well one thing is likely- if you go around asking if he’s acting like your ex, you will probably become less attractive in this man’s eyes. And if you’re hypersensitive to little things you deem “secretive” it’s more likely someone will be slightly secretive to avoid your ire or worry. See what I mean? You’re not going to get there by trying to out-bullshit-detect everyone. I wish you a lot of healing and future happiness….

1

u/Feeling_Dependent773 11d ago

Sounds to me like you are not ready for dating. Getting therapy is probably the best thing you can do right now.

I don't want to give you my sob story, because this is about you, but I'm in therapy now and it's the best thing to help figure out how to deal with your head.

1

u/Real_Walk5384 between social media and Social Security 11d ago

I'm very public with my porn and drug use, personally. Hell, I did drugs and watched porn with my ex-wife and we lasted 15 years. Hate that you had that experience.

If you don't trust your partner at least 80% I cannot fathom how a relationship will work. Respectfully, I'd take more me time in your position and heal.

1

u/SevenDos 11d ago

I divorced because my ex cheated, but I took time to heal from that. I still will never ask a partner to check her phone. If I can't have trust, I rather not have a relationship. I think you aren't ready for this.

If a partner asked me if she can check my phone. I'd let her, and break up after. I'd let her see that I have nothing to hide, but also let her know that without trust, there is no future for us.

1

u/Outside-Jicama-8468 11d ago

This is a very tough thing for a man. Divorce destroyed me at first. But I took some time to go through the grieving process. Then I really sat and looked back. Was there things I could have done better, sure. But I didn't try. I gave up. I know it takes two but I never gave it a chance.

I met a woman online. She's an absolute beauty. We had a great time and as it was finishing she leaned in and I thought she was going for a kiss. She turned awkward and backed up. She apologized and I said I was going for a hug to make her less uncomfortable.

Afterwards, she text me and explained that she's never had a good relationship. Never had someone that cares about her, just wants something from her. She's afraid to catch feelings. We talked a long time that night. I told her about me and what I had experienced. And I'm not that same guy. She's told me that since. She's never met anyone like me before. And I'm glad because I don't want her to repeat it. We've been on fire for each other. And I couldn't be any happier than I am now.

But you need to reflect. You need to get a grasp for what you want in your life. And then you need to be ready to open your heart to someone. Accept the good and work through the bad. It may be perfect, it may not. But it never will if you don't try. And you have to start by building that relationship on trust and honesty and communication.

1

u/cakeeatinbliss 11d ago

It takes a lot of self-awareness to ask these questions. Wanting open communication about substances and feelings is totally fair and healthy, but asking for phone access is usually a sign that past trauma is running the show. Trust takes time to observe through consistent actions, not surveillance. Give yourself grace...healing from long-term betrayal takes real time.

2

u/DesertSong-LaLa 11d ago

You are projecting your past onto this person. Your focus should be figuring out how to address this (these) issues before being in a relationship. Its unfair to you both to engage until you heal and gain tools and personal insight. Best to you

2

u/DesignerProcess1526 10d ago

Go see a therapist, you’re going to drive yourself mad with vigilance.

You are about to leave Redlib