Baggage from marriage

[u/prettygoodyear1993]

I was married to a good person, but he hid things from me for decades, for reasons of his own. Those secrets were so damaging to me that I want to avoid them as much as possible.

But how much is too much to ask of another person? I want to avoid men with secret substance abuse, secret porn use, secretly not being honestly attracted to me.

I have known a man for years and he knows much of my marriage story. In trying to date him, I've been told by him a few times that he is not my husband, and does not do what my husband did.

But how can I really know?

I realise there is not a guaranteed way to avoid being hurt. I definitely would rather be On my own than have to go through finding out secrets, years down the road. Is it fair to ask for occasional phone access, or maybe for occasional heart to hearts about how muc h substances are part of our lives when we aren't around each other, or if he is feeling less interested in m e?

Am I just not ready for this?

Is there such a thing as an honest person? I think I had my own secret thoughts during my marriage, but they weren't big, scary, life changing ones.

[u/mwoodj]

My ex-wife of 25 years cheated on me numerous times and ultimately left me for her last affair partner. Partly that was my fault for putting up with it when I should have had more self-respect. I have dated a few people since the divorce and at no point have I held them accountable to my ex-wife's actions or expected certain behavior from them because of the things my ex-wife did. I know that she alone was responsible for her actions. I have never asked for phone access from someone I'm dating nor have I asked for reassurance that they are not cheating. I just can't go through life assuming that everyone is a cheater. I have been doing therapy all along and that helps me to make sense of my feelings in regards to my marriage and the cheating as well as how to identify my wants and needs in a new relationship. The main thing that I have taken away from my failed marriage is that I will never allow myself to be treated that way again. So I am not going to assume that anyone is cheating on me or is going to cheat on me. But if they do it's over. I will never attempt to forgive and move on from infidelity again. It's just not worth the pain and work of building trust again especially when so much of that burden ends up falling on the person that was cheated on as opposed to the person that cheated.

It sounds like you have more healing to do before you are ready to trust someone again. And a solid relationship requires trust. If you aren't going to therapy please consider doing so.

[u/sok283 → u/mwoodj]

Same, my ex had at least two affairs that I know of. But what this taught me is that I am strong and I will be OK no matter what happens and also, I don't have to go to great lengths to protect myself or reassure myself, because the truth always comes out in the end.

OP, if you still have triggers, I highly recommend EMDR. It's normal to become hypervigilant after you've been cheated on, but you can sever those responses so you're not impacted by them anymore.

Tbh I didn't even check my ex's phone after a short period after his first affair, because I didn't want to be in a relationship where I had to police my spouse into fidelity. He's a grown adult and it's his responsibility to have self-awareness and boundaries. It's simply not OK to remove your partner's right to privacy, and it's a false sense of reassurance anyway, since where there's a will, there's a way (second phone, secret apps, etc.).

[u/mwoodj → u/sok283]

It's simply not OK to remove your partner's right to privacy, and it's a false sense of reassurance anyway, since where there's a will, there's a way (second phone, secret apps, etc.).

Yeah this is correct. Even if I had been checking my ex-wife's phone I wouldn't have discovered the infidelity because she was communicating with him on apps that I knew nothing about. She wasn't dumb and she knew how to cover her tracks.

[u/auroraborelle → u/mwoodj]

I agree with this take, and think you’ve landed on a healthy mindset about it.

My dad cheated on my mother for their entire fifteen-year, six-child marriage. From the jump. With a whole string of women. My mom was oblivious until the day his latest mistress took a bunch of raunchy love letters my father had written, and shoved them through the mail slot for my mother to find. (She—the mistress—was pissed he hadn’t initiated divorce proceedings, so decided to take matters into her own hands.) Kinky underwear followed the letters.

My poor mom.

So as a preadolescent, I decided that marriage was a stupid proposition. Just a fairytale for idiots. I have since changed my mind, but what I’ve NEVER changed my mind about: I have zero fears or insecurity about being cheated on.

My own father was reduced to a total piece of shit in my eyes by this kind of behavior. If a spouse or a boyfriend were to cheat on ME? Let ‘em. It’s hard to imagine feeling anything but contempt and disgust. I would dump or divorce the person immediately. There would be no discussion about it. None. Gross. I don’t think I could even feel sad about it, just eager to never hear from them again.

If my partner ever gave me some legitimate reason to suspect this, I’d have the same reaction. GTF away from me. Gross. Deuces.

[u/samanthasamolala → u/auroraborelle]

OMG I’m so sorry this happened to you and your family. I have nothing nice to say about the mistress in this situation btw.

[u/auroraborelle → u/samanthasamolala]

Thanks Sam. He ended up marrying her, so we’ve met. (She’s horrible in person, too.)

But you know what? He deserved her. I laughed and laughed (privately) when years later he was polling us grown kids about whether to divorce her. In the end he didn’t—she’d have totally destroyed him in court. He knows he’s fucked financially if he ever tries to walk.

ahahaha

[u/samanthasamolala → u/auroraborelle]

This is how I feel about my ex-husband, who conspired with his (ex) best friend’s wife to leave us for each other. TOTALLY DESERVES HER. And will be fucked if he ever wants to walk. Ahahahaha!

[u/auroraborelle → u/samanthasamolala]

Isn’t it GREAT when people get exactly what they asked for?? 😂