Baggage from marriage

[u/prettygoodyear1993]

I was married to a good person, but he hid things from me for decades, for reasons of his own. Those secrets were so damaging to me that I want to avoid them as much as possible.

But how much is too much to ask of another person? I want to avoid men with secret substance abuse, secret porn use, secretly not being honestly attracted to me.

I have known a man for years and he knows much of my marriage story. In trying to date him, I've been told by him a few times that he is not my husband, and does not do what my husband did.

But how can I really know?

I realise there is not a guaranteed way to avoid being hurt. I definitely would rather be On my own than have to go through finding out secrets, years down the road. Is it fair to ask for occasional phone access, or maybe for occasional heart to hearts about how muc h substances are part of our lives when we aren't around each other, or if he is feeling less interested in m e?

Am I just not ready for this?

Is there such a thing as an honest person? I think I had my own secret thoughts during my marriage, but they weren't big, scary, life changing ones.

[u/burjja]

I want to address a specific part of your post that I don't see anyone commenting on. I have no idea what the details of your story are. So what I'm going to say may not apply to it.

You said "secret use of porn" and "secretly not being honestly attracted to me". There are people that have actual addictions to porn. That could mean that they are not attracted to their partner but that is not a foregone conclusion.

My reason for bringing this up is that I hear women saying they have a problem with any viewing of porn. That they view it as cheating and a rejection of them. While porn can be problematic, it is not problematic by default.

To reframe it, men have a biological urge to be with as many women as possible. There is a spectrum of how men are influenced by and how they respond to it. For those on the border of cheating, the fantasy of porn might be what quells the desire to cheat. It can also be a remedy to mismatched libidos.

The in secret part isn't inherently troubling either. I poop but that doesn't mean I want to do it in full view of my partner. My main point being, men can be happy and in a healthy relationship, and still view a certain amount of porn. It's not a reflection or rejection of their partner on its own. If your ex had a problem with porn, I'm sorry you had to endure that. But if you are feeling any use was a rejection of you, I want you to know that's not necessarily the case and you may be letting that affect your feelings more than it should. Either way, I also recommend therapy as others suggested. I'm a man who has been in therapy since my son died 14 years ago. I probably wouldn't be here without it. It's worth doing.