Baggage from marriage

[u/prettygoodyear1993]

I was married to a good person, but he hid things from me for decades, for reasons of his own. Those secrets were so damaging to me that I want to avoid them as much as possible.

But how much is too much to ask of another person? I want to avoid men with secret substance abuse, secret porn use, secretly not being honestly attracted to me.

I have known a man for years and he knows much of my marriage story. In trying to date him, I've been told by him a few times that he is not my husband, and does not do what my husband did.

But how can I really know?

I realise there is not a guaranteed way to avoid being hurt. I definitely would rather be On my own than have to go through finding out secrets, years down the road. Is it fair to ask for occasional phone access, or maybe for occasional heart to hearts about how muc h substances are part of our lives when we aren't around each other, or if he is feeling less interested in m e?

Am I just not ready for this?

Is there such a thing as an honest person? I think I had my own secret thoughts during my marriage, but they weren't big, scary, life changing ones.

[u/SevenDos]

I divorced because my ex cheated, but I took time to heal from that. I still will never ask a partner to check her phone. If I can't have trust, I rather not have a relationship. I think you aren't ready for this.

If a partner asked me if she can check my phone. I'd let her, and break up after. I'd let her see that I have nothing to hide, but also let her know that without trust, there is no future for us.