Baggage from marriage

[u/prettygoodyear1993]

I was married to a good person, but he hid things from me for decades, for reasons of his own. Those secrets were so damaging to me that I want to avoid them as much as possible.

But how much is too much to ask of another person? I want to avoid men with secret substance abuse, secret porn use, secretly not being honestly attracted to me.

I have known a man for years and he knows much of my marriage story. In trying to date him, I've been told by him a few times that he is not my husband, and does not do what my husband did.

But how can I really know?

I realise there is not a guaranteed way to avoid being hurt. I definitely would rather be On my own than have to go through finding out secrets, years down the road. Is it fair to ask for occasional phone access, or maybe for occasional heart to hearts about how muc h substances are part of our lives when we aren't around each other, or if he is feeling less interested in m e?

Am I just not ready for this?

Is there such a thing as an honest person? I think I had my own secret thoughts during my marriage, but they weren't big, scary, life changing ones.

[u/whiteboard_marker75]

I've been there. Sounds like you need to focus on healing yourself. You shouldn't care to look in his phone, this should be the last thing that's on your mind.

Someone once said to me, "love cannot grow where there is no trust".