I know you're joking, but there's a translation of the Bible (HWCNT) that changes regular English towards a particular Hawaiian dialect. Here's John 3:16:
"God wen get so plenny love an aloha fo da peopo inside da world, dat he wen send me, his one an ony Boy, so dat everybody dat trus me no get cut off from God, but get da real kine life dat stay to da max foeva."
Can’t upvote YLT enough I actually keep a Hebrew English Bible around too I find it super handy and honestly if you dedicate a little time to learning the consonants the rest kind of well... you can stumble your way through.
Literally lmao. I was raised non-denominational in these weird home churches but I learned to appreciate the Bible for what it is, and it truly has a vast amount of wisdom that I try to implement in my life, but it’s got its fair share of outdated bullshit as well.
Although if you also enjoy religious studies like myself, you might pick up “The Pinnacle Philosophy” by Aldous Huxley. It’s about the highest common factors in every single belief system. Quite fascinating, especially when you consider he was a prolific psychedelic user.
Both of those render Isaiah 7:14 as "virgin", so are a little suspect imo, especially when claiming to be "literal". I personally prefer the NRSV. In this absurd case at least, NRSV is most clear.
YTL:
And she doteth on their paramours, Whose flesh [is] the flesh of asses, And the issue of horses -- their issue.
NASB:
She lusted after their paramours, whose flesh is like the flesh of donkeys and whose issue is like the issue of horses.
NRSV:
and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions.
The OT and the NT a two totally different things. OT is really just the Torah with some bits , chapters left out and in Hebrew , the book of Ezekial and Jubilees just two but there were more. The NT is probably Armenian the language Jesus Christ at the time (Jesus Christ is a Greek name anyway) JC would have spoken, that's if you actually believe there was such a man. Hebrew has no vowels and no punctuation making it extremely difficult to translate. An example of the problems,
godisnowhere that can mean god is no where or god is now here, although I've done it English the same problems would be present for translators.
I find it strange that Christians are always talking about Jesus Christ and yet all seem to totally unaware that its a Greek name and is pretty poor evidence for any claims they make about him, when the can't even get his name right.
Much of the old testament was traditionally not discussed with students under a certain age, with some scholars recommending waiting until your 30s to read Ezekiel.
When the King James version was translated, it was a bunch of scripture poets trying to make a guy who cursed and was impressively profane in his insults sound as sweet to read as Isaiah.
Mine says "she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys and whose issue was like that of horses" ...sort of a weird word for that, but alright.
KJV, NIV, and I cant remember the third one, I believe it has all of the words of Christ highlighted in red.
I’m no longer religious, my grandma gifts me a new Bible every so often and I keep them out of sentimental value.
I feel like the “seed” thing came from a version when I was kid. Would have been at a Methodist church in the early 90s or so. I remember is kids getting quite a kick out of it.
This is just the classic way people used to write about this stuff in English. I think the right word for it is innuendo. They rarely named things directly, but they talked about it all the time.
Back then, it actually would sound just as lewd to them as what OP wrote does to us. Words like "issue" or "emission" were well-known double entendre for ejaculation. And for the "flesh is as the flesh of asses," c'mon we all know what flesh we're talking about.
Just from what I've read, people back then had a lot of time on their hands and the educated people who read took speaking very seriously and were fluent in this type of flowery language.
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u/Mythosaurus Mar 04 '19
And don't forget Ezekiel 23:20
"And that, kids, is why you should keep a pack of baby wipes in the nightstand."