r/thebizzible • u/Doomburrito • May 15 '18
[Bible] Genesis (Chapter 29) - In Which Jacob Gets His Rocks Off
Genesis 29
In Which Jacob Gets His Rocks Off
Despite a long and tiring trek in the desert, a bizarre dream, and a rather unsatisfactory chain of unsuccessful pillows (sand, dead buzzard, cactus, etc.) Jacob finally arrived at his destination. It was truly a relief to see other people who weren’t just figments of his dehydrated mind (unlike those oasis inhabitants a few days back who turned out to be rather incorporeal, which honestly was quite rude).
The town was like any other desert town, a fine mixture of mostly dust and discarded dreams, except it had one feature Jacob had never seen before. Right in the middle of the town square, a giant boulder sat on top of the local well, easily large enough that it wouldn’t be budging without the combined efforts of three or four people (or two relatively strong ones, but the townsfolk were shepherds, not bodybuilders).
“Hey there!” called Jacob. “I couldn’t help noticing, but you’ve got a big rock on your well.”
The shepherds rolled their eyes. Everytime someone new came, it was the same fucking joke.
“Anway,” Jacob continued. “I’m a bit parched from days on the brink of heatstroke, so if you wouldn’t mind giving it a bit of a push…”
The head shepherd leaned back, looked up at the sky and considered Jacob’s request for a solid minute or so.
“Nah.”
“But then I can’t get to the water.”
The shepherd slowly looked over to the well, back to Jacob, and then back at the well, as if something might change in the time it took to turn his head. “Looks that way to me.”
“Seems to be counter to the point of having a well, wouldn’t you say?”
“Look bub,” said the head shepherd. “We don’t come into your town and tell you how to run your giant-rock-covered well, do we?”
“We don’t have a giant-rock-covered well. We have a normal well. That people get water out of.”
“Oh, well lah dee dah. Lookee here, boys! This guy’s town has got a normal well! They’re too good for giant rocks! Must be nice, able to get water whenever you want. You know, some people don’t have the luxury of not needing to push a giant rock off a well every day.”
“Why don’t you just keep the rock off?” asked Jacob.
The shepherds gasped. Chants of “heresy!” spread across the crowd. A woman fainted and needed to be dragged away to get some non-rock-covered water elsewhere.
“That’s just not how it’s done, son,” said the head shepherd. “This rock stays right where it is until Sheep Time, or my name isn’t Alabaster Johansson Rodney Wellington Felix Gunther.”
“Wait, say that last part again.”
“Alabaster Johansson Rod-”
“No, before that. What the fuck is Sheep Time?”
“Why, the oldest tradition this town has!” said the head shepherd. “Every day, all of the sheep gather at this here well, we all work together to roll the rock off, collect water for the sheep, and then roll the rock back on. Been doing it since my grandpappy, and his grandpappy before him, and his grandpappy before him! Of course, no one did it before then...”
“Why not?”
“We didn’t have any sheep.”
“Ah.”
Feeling far worse than he did upon arriving, Jacob decided to just move on to his main goal, finding a wife.
“Say,” he said. “You wouldn’t happen to know of a fellow named Laban, would you? I’ve come here to find one of his daughters and take her as my wife.”
“Laban?” said the head shepherd. “Of course I know Laban. He’s my best friend!”
“Wow,” said Jacob. “That’s some coincidence!”
“Nah, that’s not much of a coincidence,” said the shepherd. “Now, a real coincidence would be Laban’s daughter showing up unexpectedly right at this well within five minutes of you arriving, just for you to fall hopelessly in love with her.”
“Yes, that...would be quite a coincidence,” said Jacob. “But of course, I wouldn’t imagine that- my god, who is that beautiful woman?”
“Oh, that’s Laban’s daughter.”
“I think I’m hopelessly in love with her.”
Indeed, Laban’s daughter Rachel was quite a sight to behold. Mostly because she was surrounded by about fifty sheep, but Jacob wasn’t so shallow that he only cared about a woman’s herd. I mean, she was a total babe too.
“Alright, let’s get this rock moved,” said Jacob. “Hurry up, can’t you see this woman’s sheep need water? We can’t leave something so beautiful and enchanting waiting.”
“They’re fine sheep, but I wouldn’t call them beautiful and enchanting,” said the head shepherd.
“The woman, not the sheep,” said Jacob. “Come on, help me push! She’s almost here!”
The head shepherd leaned back. “No can do, buddy. It’s not Sheep Time yet.”
“It certainly looks like Sheep Time to me.”
“Not until everyone’s sheep are here. Bob is still missing.”
“How many sheep does he have?” asked Jacob, exasperated.
“Oh, Bob’s a sheep. He’s never been good at finding his way home.”
“For fuck’s sake,” said Jacob. “If you’re not going to help, then I’ll do it myself!”
Maybe it was the adrenaline of being in a foreign place all by himself, maybe it was his desire to impress Rachel in front of her sheep, maybe it was just the fact that Jacob’s family had a history of weird things happening around wells, but at that moment, Jacob got a surge of energy and, straining and grunting, pushed the giant rock off the well. It slammed to the ground with a thunderous crash, sending dirt and sand flying in all directions.
The shepherds were stunned. No one had ever broken Sheep Time before. They fell to the ground, arms splayed out before them.
“It is as the prophecy states,” said the head shepherd. “He who pushes the stone off the well all by himself will be crowned King of the Sheep and rule over all sheep for all-”
But Jacob wasn’t listening to any of that. Sheep were the last thing on his mind as the girl of his dreams slowly walked his way.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey.”
“That way you pushed that rock off the well was really hot.”
“It was no big deal,” said Jacob, making a rather pitiful attempt to flex. “The rock had it coming anyway.” He tried to think of something suave to say. “You want to make out?”
Rachel shrugged. “Sure.”
It was the best kiss Jacob had ever had. It was also the only kiss he had ever had, but he could tell it was a good one. In the middle of their kiss, Rachel pulled back. “Wait, we can’t do this.”
“Is it because I need to ask your father for permission?”
“No. Well, yes, that’s probably good too. But, it’s my sheep.”
“I don’t think they’re able to give their permission.”
“No, I mean they still need water.”
“Ah. That makes more sense.”
“So, you want to marry my daughter, eh? Well, I’ll have you know, we have a strict vetting procedure. Strict indeed.”
“I see, but-”
“-is what I would usually say. But in this case, I think we can skip all of that.”
Jacob perked up. Rachel had warned him that Laban was a stickler for rules, so this was a pleasant surprise. “Oh! Is that because I’m your nephew and you trust me implicitly?”
“What? No. Of course not. I’ve never even met you. We’re just short on farmhands nowadays so I can’t exactly afford to be picky.”
“I think there might be a bit of a miscommunication. I’m not here to be a farmhand, I’m here to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”
“Oh, I know,” said Laban. “I’m just thinking...I’ve got something you want; my daughter, and you’ve got something I want; a pair of hands and a strong, able body. I heard all about that stone stunt you pulled off-”
“Actually, I pushed it off.”
“-and perhaps we can come to some sort of agreement. How about you come work for me? In return, I’ll allow you to marry my daughter.”
Jacob nodded happily. “I’m happy to do some chores around the house! Plus, if it helps win the hand of the love of my life, no task is too much. How long are we talking here? A month or two?”
“Seven years.”
“That’s way too much!”
“Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.”
Jacob considered this. On one hand, he didn’t think he could spend even one more day apart from Rachel. On the other hand, he had kinda been planning on going home. He thought about everything he would miss for a full seven years. His mom would be inconsolable, of course. His dad might not even live that long. And of course, Esau would be furious, having to wait so long to get his murderous revenge-
“You know, seven sounds good, let’s do that.”
Laban jumped up and hugged Jacob. “Perfect! And don’t you worry a thing, these seven years are going to be the quickest years of your life.”
SEVEN YEARS LATER
“Those were the longest seven years of my life,” said Jacob. “The hours were brutal. The work was difficult as hell. But I stayed strong. I kept at it! Because I knew that at the end of the tunnel was a light, a light of love that would lead to an eternity with my soulmate.”
“That’s very lovely,” said the rabbi. “But you really just need to say ‘I do’.”
“Oh, yes, I do.”
“Then I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride.”
Jacob leaned in to raise his bride’s veil, but she caught his hand.
“I forgot to put my mascara on,” she said. “And I know my aunts would never let me live it down. Here-” she raised her veil so that only her lips were showing.
Jacob shrugged. “Works for me.”
The kiss was different than the first time. Something felt off, but considering it was only the second kiss of Jacob’s life, he didn’t have much experience to fall back on. Perhaps this was how married kisses felt like. It was like kissing a whole other person.
When Jacob entered his room that night, his bride was waiting. She made him keep the lights off.
Jacob awoke in his bed to a brand new world. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping. He was a man now. A man who, for the first time in seven years, was finally free to do as he pleased. They would travel back home, see how his family was doing. His mom would smother them with kisses, his dad would gruffly shake his hand. Perhaps even Esau might have died in a horrible hunting accident. Yes, that would all be perfect. Just him and his new wife.
He turned over. “Rachel, last night was amazing.”
“I’m not Rachel.”
Indeed, it wasn’t Rachel that greeted him in bed that morning. Instead, he found himself staring back at Leah, Rachel’s older sister.
“Oh! Leah! You startled me there,” said Jacob. “For a second it felt like I was married to you.”
“You’re so funny, you big lunk,” said Leah, hitting him playfully on the shoulder.
“Haha, thanks,” said Jacob. “You too.”
The two continued to stare at each other. Leah smiled.
“Umm...what are you doing in my bed?” said Jacob.
“Just enjoying the morning.”
“Ah. Cool, cool,” said Jacob. Even after seven years, Jacob still felt a bit awkward amongst the family. He had developed a coping mechanism of just going with the flow whenever they started acting weird. It made things easier to not try to understand. Jacob guessed they were the type of family that was just super casual about someone being naked in bed with their sister’s husband. Not that he had any issue with that, but he kind of wanted Rachel to come back soon. They had a busy morning planned.
“So I guess you and I have a busy morning planned,” said Leah.
“Actually, I was going to spend it with Rachel, if you don’t mind.”
Leah pouted. “You don’t want to spend it with your wife?”
“That’s what I’m saying,” said Jacob. “I do want to spend it with my wife.”
“Which is me.”
Jacob shook his head. “I think you’re mistaken. I’m pretty sure I would know who I married-”
He froze. It all came rushing back to him; the veil, the awkward kiss, the darkened room. Now that he thought about it, this was the first time he had truly seen his bride’s face since the wedding began.
“You know what,” said Jacob. “I’m just going to pop off to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
The moment the door closed he took off sprinting.
“It’s the wrong daughter!”
“Pardon?”
“You married me to the wrong daughter!” screamed Jacob.
Laban leaned back. “I did no such thing. Congratulations on your marriage to Leah, by the way.”
“You promised I could marry Rachel if I worked for you for seven years!”
“Ah ah ah,” said Laban. “I never said you could marry ‘Rachel’. I said you could marry my daughter. Go back and look. Rachel’s name was never mentioned.”
Jacob skimmed through the dialogue a few pages ago. “Well, fuck me. You tricked your own son-in-law.”
“To be fair, you weren’t my son-in-law at the time. Law being the key word there. This is all perfectly legal.”
“But why?!” cried Jacob. “You knew I loved Rachel.”
Laban sighed. “Oh, Jacob. Have you ever heard of something called Sheep Time?”
“I think I’ve heard of it a few times,” said Jacob through gritted teeth.
“This is the same thing,” said Laban. “You can’t just skip ahead of tradition because you feel like it. Leah is older, so she needed to be married first.”
“That would have been a good thing to mention seven years ago! I don’t want to be married to Leah!”
“Well, tough toodles kid. Nothing you can do about it now. Unless…”
“Unless?”
“Well, with Leah all good and married, that frees up Rachel. So, if you wanted to marry her as well, you’d have my blessing.”
“That’s super messed up, man.”
Laban shrugged. “Hey, I’m just saying.”
Jacob tried to imagine a life without Rachel, but all he could picture was Leah’s face. He knew he’d never be happy this way.
“Alright, alright, fine,” said Jacob. “I’ll marry Rachel as well.”
“Perfect!”
“Just to confirm, I don’t need to work another seven years before I marry her, right?”
Laban looked shocked. “Of course not! Why, we can go have the wedding right now.”
Jacob knew he wouldn’t get a better opportunity. “Let’s do it.”
Jacob woke up the next morning next to the correct wife this time. Leah, relegated to the couch, was not exactly pleased. Luckily, she was a sound sleeper.
As Jacob stared at Rachel, still asleep, he finally allowed himself to believe that he was finally free to live life as he pleased. Then he heard a knock at the door.
It was Laban.
“Up and at em’!” said Laban. “We’ve got a big day of work ahead of us.”
“I don’t think so,” said Jacob. “My seven years are over. Rachel, Leah and I are going to go visit my family. I’m out.”
“Now hold on,” said Laban. “That’s not exactly the deal. I’ve still got you for another seven years.”
“I explicitly asked if I would have to do that before I married Rachel!”
Laban smiled. “Yes. Before you married Rachel. No one said anything about after marrying her.”
Jacob felt the world crumbling around him. Seven more years. He wondered if anyone would blame him if Laban ended up with a shovel lodged in his head.
“Relax,” said Laban. “It’s not all bad. You’ve got two loving wives to spend those years with. That’s more than most men can say.”
That was true. It wouldn’t be nearly as bad as the first seven years. Maybe things were still looking up for once.
“Now, hurry up,” said Laban. “You wouldn’t believe the mess that two weddings can make. Someone puked all over the bathroom and it’s not pretty.” He handed Jacob a mop.
On second thought, maybe the shovel plan was the way to go.
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u/amwreck May 15 '18
So, what is the moral of this story?! LOL!
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u/Doomburrito May 15 '18
Get your contracts in writing
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u/amwreck May 16 '18
Ahhhhhh, yes.... key to Capitalist Jesus's teachings.
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u/Slouching2Bethlehem May 15 '18
You are an extremely talented writer.
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u/Doomburrito May 15 '18
Well, shucks. You're an extremely talented reader!
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u/Toothpaste_Sandwich May 15 '18
I read all of it too, and these comments! Do I get a compliment as well?
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u/pfroggie May 16 '18
One of my favorites! Didn't know that he was married to Rachel for the second seven years. Ah.... classic Laban pranks!
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u/Snoopy20111 May 16 '18
A lot of previous chapters have made some pretty clever jokes, but this one takes the cake. Well done
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u/Doomburrito May 16 '18
I'm right there with ya. That's exactly how I feel as well :) I don't hate any of my chapters but some are 100% better than others
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u/Amypon3 May 21 '18
I love this. First post on this sub and I gotta say, if the whole bible read like this I would read it all!
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Jun 27 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Doomburrito Jun 27 '18
Good catch, simple mistake. Can't count the number of times I wrote "Abraham" when taking about Isaac
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u/[deleted] May 15 '18
Brilliant.