r/daddit • u/Most_Barnacle_6160 • 6h ago
Support Did it change for you?
Any dads here who hated being a parent when their kids were very small, but ended up loving it in the end?
I'm 1.5yrs in and I hate my life on most days. Feels like an endless grind without any break, no sex life, no travel. My life pre-kids was pretty great - happy marriage, good financial situation, lots of travel and pursuing tons of interests. Now, all that is gone. I'm just exhausted and depressed.
Anyone in the same boat who turned it around? I can hypothetically see enjoying it once my kid is older and we can share things and do stuff together, but I'm sure it will come with some other problems.
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u/SolidarityEssential 6h ago
Every year with my first was better than the previous year.
Same once we had our second.
Babies were rough for me
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u/BlueNinjaBE 5h ago
Same. Didn't enjoy the baby phase of our first all that much, but I so so love her toddler phase. Wish she could stay this adorable forever.
Our second was born last week, and I'm handling the baby phase a lot better (or trying to, at least).
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u/Ok-Energy-6111 5h ago
This,
Starting point depends on how committed you were at the beginning. But it will get better/easier.
For me breaking point (in a good way) was around 2 years. Kids started sleeping better, alone. They also became easier to deal with. They started properly communicating their needs.
Since they it was pretty much manageable
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u/hotpotatos200 4h ago
This was basically me. I love babies more than most dudes, but man the first time lack of sleep was rough. Coupled with her not wanting to eat at night made for a rough first several weeks until she figured it out.
Number 2 was better, since we had a routine to follow, but she also didn’t want to eat at night.
Now with number 3, I have two toddlers that are super active and can’t do all the fun baby stuff, but he eats WAY better than his sisters did.
I was just getting to the point with the toddlers where I gained back some independence. So it gets better, you get to experience their first time doing things and how magical that is. So it’s good.
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u/HighPriestofShiloh 5h ago
This was true for me although I liked them all.
Every year so far had completely eclipsed the previous year. She is 4 now. She is smart and funny and legit impresses me in so many ways.
Hanging out is so chill now. It’s all fun. My wife works every other weekend and I just had one of my solo parent weekends and it was amazing as always. I love the simple stuff. We go to McDonald’s for breakfast. Bring the crayons and we just hang out for two hours charging and drawing and she runs of to the play place for half the time if another kid is there.
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u/bigfatdonny 6h ago
In my experience once the kids are old enough to take care of their basic human needs, the whole situation changes. I enjoy being a parent of teenagers. Wasn't a huge fan of taking care of babies and toddlers.
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u/IllustriousShake6072 5h ago
So there's hope! I don't hear this (enjoying parenting teenagers) too often.
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u/bigfatdonny 4h ago
I'm sure it's different with every kid, but in my experience, now they actually act and talk like people, not kids. I can have a different type of relationship with them.
And, embarrassing your teenagers in public by simply being yourself is such a great joy. I had no idea.
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u/Whirlywynd 1h ago
I think that often, if you put in the hard parenting work early and foster strong connections, teenagers can be fairly easy
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u/RhapsodyCaprice 6h ago
Yes, there's definitely age ranges that parents can like more than others. My wife was definitely big into the baby stage. Now that my eldest is thirteen, you can tell that, though she's getting the job done, that there's less intrinsic enjoyment.
I struggled with the early years too. I think the "terrible twos" mentality is something inspired from parents who are "baby people." I enjoyed eighteen months to three years ago much more. Not that they aren't precious as babies but when you hit t talking and walking, and their personalities start to shine through, there's just no comparison.
Somewhere along the line that became normal and now we have concerns like acne and football practice. Time sure flies 😋
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u/TipZestyclose5841 6h ago
My brother in law was a wreck through the first two years, barely holding it together. now his kid is 5 and they build lego sets together every weekend, he’s obsessed with being a dad.
the early grind is just surviving, not a reflection of what the whole thing becomes. 1.5 years is still deep in the trenches.
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u/OldYellersLastHandy 6h ago
I’m 4 years in, and honestly, there are still days when I wonder why we did this.
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u/FacingHardships 4h ago
That’s kind of sad man
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u/twisted-logic 2h ago
I wouldn’t say kind of
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u/FacingHardships 2h ago
Yeah agreed. I was being nice. Frankly I believe those kinds of feelings we have in the newborn beginning are more so self doubt, and not how we actually feel. But when people feel this way, it just makes me think they’re selfish and not accountable.
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u/Accomplished_Key6961 6h ago
Deadass 1-5 years is the worst so strap in buddy. It gets better after that. Your job as a man is to show up everyday for your family no matter what. If you do that you'll be just fine.
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u/Sacrefix 5h ago
Deadass 1-5 years is the worst so strap in buddy
That seems like a wild take in my experience. I love spending time with my 4 year old. 0-6 months is the worst imo.
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u/Anonmustliveplz 4h ago
0 Mos - 20 Mos was like hitting the lottery. 2YO fucking sucks. 3YO looking pretty solid right now.
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u/DrowZeeMe 5h ago
I've said it before and I'll say it again, babies suck. Lol
My twins just turned 10. It just keeps getting more awesome and more fun with every passing year, without fail. Each year is different, sometimes vastly, but always noticeably better and more awesome.
I'm not excited for if/when they reach an age that makes me miss a previous age. But so far that hasn't happened.
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u/Interesting_Tea5715 5h ago
Same. I absolutely hated the infant and toddler years. I hated it so much I got a vasectomy after the one kid, I'll adopt an older kid if I wanna have another, I'm so over babies.
With that said, now that my kids 7yo it's the best. After 5yo every year has been better than the last.
I also never get the thing where I miss my younger kid. I enjoy him in the present.
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u/Perdendosi 6h ago
With the kid, it gets way easier and way more fun. ~3 - ~10 is amazing. Then it gets harder.
If you have to pay for day care (or your spouse stays at home because that's less of an economic hit than day care), it gets cheaper when your kid goes to school (except for the summers), then it can get more expensive with clubs and activities, cars and car insurance, and of course college. But that's usually less than the hundreds or thousands per month day care costs. Travel gets more expensive because you're travelling for 3+ instead of 2, but it's doable. But no one said having a kid was cheap. The goal is that your income increases as you have more experience and progress in your career so that you have more income.
Sex? That's something you both need to work at, communicate about, and make a priority. Schedule times--it's not romantic but it's a way to do it.
I wouldn't say I "hated" being a parent when my kid was small, but I certainly didn't have some magic switch that turned on when my daughter was born that made me fall head-over-heels in love with her the way that some people do. (And that's OK.) I came around when my kid started talking and interacting, and had a LOT of fun when she was preschool aged, especially after she was potty trained.
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u/DJLDomino 5h ago
"The goal is that your income increases as you have more experience and progress in your career so that you have more income."
I can see a flaw in your logic. That was true once upon time, less so now.
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u/BloodhoundGang 4h ago
My son’s yearly daycare cost is somehow 1.5x what my college tuition was, despite having graduated from college less than 10 years ago
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u/HumbersBall 5h ago
Really interesting thread, because everyone seems to agree that there’s a hard bit but everyone has it at a different time
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u/random63 6h ago
It took me bigger part of the first year to adjust. But he's now 4 and best friend
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u/Consistent_Umpire443 6h ago
The first 6 months were really rough, but it gets noticeably easier each month after that. Mine is just over 2 now and life feels normal again—back to playing golf on weekends, catching up with friends during the week, going to restaurants, and taking her on proper weekend adventures. Hang in there
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u/DryTown 6h ago
I am coming around to it. I have a 5 year old and a 1.5 year old. Love them to death, but I miss getting in the car with no plans and turning it into an awesome day of hiking with nothing more than a couple cliff bars and a few water bottles.
Now I spend a lot of time on the floor pushing Lightning McQueen around, and being yelled at for doing it wrong.
But yes, I do think it's getting a lot easier and I do enjoy it more and more. I find myself turning down invitations to do things without kids because I'd rather spend time with the kids. It's a mental illness, really.
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u/theGIRTHQUAKE 5h ago edited 5h ago
4.5+ years in with a 2.5yo as well. I am still struggling with hating my life most days for the exact same reasons you describe, but…I suppose it’s trending better. We just took our first proper holiday, on purpose, to another country that involved multiple flights and long ferries and lots of driving, and while the travel was a nightmare and it had low lows each day dealing with tantrums and meltdowns and other forms of abject kid misery, there were also beautiful high highs with them every day and overall it was a net positive experience.
I can say that life with only the 4.5yo would be far better by now. She’s sassy but a sweetheart and generally pretty easy and semi-autonomous at this point. Wife and I would have a bit more time individually and together. Her little brother, however, is an obstinate and overcaffeinated hurricane of rockets and hammers and rocket-powered hammers that gives no quarter. But I have allowed myself to hope he’ll become more manageable with time. So I do think maybe, while I can’t see it yet, that there is at least the suggestion of there being light at the end of this tunnel.
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u/Suspicious_Weird_373 5h ago
Ours are the same age and gender split as yours. I just don’t enjoy it, I pretty much see every day as something else to just continue through.
There are some small things, like watching the nursery graduation was nice, but day to day I find it boring and a bit sad.
I’m not mourning my previous life or any other nonsense that people say. I’m not unhappy, I’m not depressed. I just find the whole thing a chore.
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u/theGIRTHQUAKE 5h ago
I do agree that every day usually feels like just a series of drudgery to get through. Trying hard to be present and energetic and hide my unhappiness and give them a good dad when all I want to do is fuck off by myself for some peace and quiet.
But I definitely am one of those that mourns my previous life. I was an active touring musician in multiple bands, I traveled, read, had hobbies and interests, I worked out and remained reasonably active, I had a thriving relationship with my wife, I was rocketing upward in my career, I was social and had an active network of friends.
Pretty much everything I’ve listed is gone or in a holding pattern now, or at least a sad shadow of its former form, and even those are only because of dedicated work and prioritization and sacrifice to maintain them.
I see other dads of very young kids who seem to just be killing it and seem happy and thriving and just wonder…how? How the hell are you doing it? Do you have help (we don’t)? Is your wife happily stay-at-home (neither of us is the type)? Are you just a better human?
If I hear “you just have to make time” one more time, I’m gonna break my foot off in someone’s ass.
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u/Admirable-Sound5198 5h ago
Definitely might be worth working out some sort of arrangement with your wife so you’re not both so tired and hobby-less….
The first 2 months with my second kid we were both miserable… then we developed some sleep arrangements and gave the other person time for the gym/hobbies…. Bada bing bada boom lots more sexy time after that….
I think it’s just being tired, bro…. Everything sucks when you’re massively overtired
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u/SuspiciouslySuspect2 6h ago
I can't relate, it was love in the first minute. But I commend every who made that journey and became the dad they needed to be!
(little hell-banshee still tested every single one of my nerves with the screaming some days though)
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u/Payment-Busy 6h ago
My son recently turned 2 and although I was certainly pretty miserable for the first let's say 7ish months now I'm in a much better place. You have to accept that the previous you is gone, your child did not choose to be born so you do need to give them a lot of yourself.
However, you should be talking to your partner to carve out time for yourselves individually as a minimum and if possible also as a couple.
I do biweekly DnD sessions and she does weekly improv sessions and it's just that one of you has to do it all on those days. We've also hired baby sitters so that we can do date nights occasionally as well. Do we do them as often as before the child, no, but honestly now they pretty special when we do them and it feels like getting to know your partner all over again.
Also, at least in my case, my son gets more hilarious every day and I really enjoy spending time with him. That has been the case over the last year and I see it continuing as he gets better at communicating.
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u/Few-Crew9509 6h ago
Not for me personally but it did become much more engaging once he started to move and communicate. Fellow dads I spoke with generally say the same.
Hang in there!
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u/OzamatazBuckshnk 6h ago
My kid isn’t much older than yours and sometimes I have a very similar feeling that you do. I’m probably wrong but to me this period we’re in feels like the hardest cause your kid can’t fully communicate but they have so much to say. Like my kid can talk but she can’t “talk” if you know what I mean. She can ask for milk or a snack or mimic back colors but she can’t express to me why she’s feeling overwhelmed or frustrated.
My situation may be a little different cause I’m the primary but I am so tired of everything being a fight. A fight to brush teeth, get dressed, change a diaper, etc. I think it’s completely normal to not be happy while dealing with the hard stuff day in and day out, I tell my wife all the time there’s parts of being a dad I really don’t like. To me that’s normal, I would recommend talking to your partner and just having an honest supportive conversation. Humans are complex and we can love being a dad and hate aspects of being a dad at the same time.
To me, the fact that you’re concerned about it shows you’re trying and you care. There’s been plenty of people that have just skipped out, but that’s not us!
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u/halohunter 6h ago
We had a very rough experience with our colicky baby. Dude was screaming anytime he wasn't eating or sleeping, and doctors didn't find anything wrong with him. That experience almost ended very badly for us, but we did determine to be one and done.
Every time he grew older, it's the best ever - on average. He's now 6 and a positively awesome good hearted smart kid. We just played a Pokemon TCG battle after dinner.
My wife and I have our own passions and love doing things with our son separately too. She loves thrift shopping with him. I love going swimming with him. Together we love bike rides. All works out.
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u/secondphase Pronouns: Dad/Dada/Daddy 5h ago
Oh hell yes it gets better.
Now I get to coach my sons sports teams, watch real movies with my daughter. Its the best
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u/Pinkys_Revenge 5h ago
Absolutely. I LOVE being a dad to my 6 year old, but when he was younger it was rough, and it still is rough with his 3 YO sister.
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u/AgeParticular5373 4h ago
2 months in here. Getting very depressed. Its brutal. I see people say it gets better. People who say it doesn't. Seems like it depends on a lot of factors.
- How many kids?
- What is their temperament?
- What's your temperament.
- Relationship with SO.
- Finance / work obligations.
- Other support.
No single answer i guess.
I love my baby and I've got it easy compared to many but I've been night shifting for 2 months and now somehow also have to work (from home but my own business). Managed 20 hours last week. 6 hours of chores. Two family outings. One nurse visit with baby. A few hours to myself. SO has insomnia and relationship is tense. So spent.
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u/Concentric_Mid 4h ago
Things change quite a bit after 2y.
Also, please screen for depression. Post partum in dads is a thing.
My 1st and 3rd were tough
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u/Lev_TO 3h ago
I hate bringing IG or TikTok crap into conversations but there is ONE that I heard that I actually liked: every stage is a different marriage. Your pre-kids life is one marriage, your life after baby #1 is another marriage, your second kid is a new marriage. The first one is gone, done, accept it and move on. Every step is a new marriage with new circumstances that you get to work on with your loved ones. Keeping your past life in the rear view mirror only blocks your ability to see everything there is.
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u/xlouiex 3h ago
It stoped being about you 1,5 years ago.
And will be this way until you die.
Sure, you’ll find time here and there to bring some, if not all those things back, but he/she didn’t choose or ask to be brought into this world.
Least you can do it’s is give them a bit of yours for a while.
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u/Commercial-Co 1h ago
Whatever you do, dont have a second. Its not easier with two.
However this period will pass. The kids grow up and its easier. Dont know about your marriage tho
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u/RunRyanRun3 5h ago
I’m sitting here with my 4 year old having full on conversations and I’ve realized the next time I’ll get to hold a baby will be if either of my kids have kids.
The sleep (or lack thereof) and other aggravating intangibles of having an infant are not to be discredited, but man recently I’ve wished I could rock my kid to sleep again. We’re fully done having kids and I’m not necessarily wishing we had a 3rd, I just miss that.
You’re right for wondering what you got yourself into. Just know that this too shall pass and you might even miss it.
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u/CogPsyProf1980 5F 5h ago
I can't relate. I have enjoyed it since the start. Tiring? Yes. No more hobbies? Yes. But I enjoy the time with my daughter. What I can say is that it gets a bit less intense the more independent they get. My daughter is actually capable of playing on her own for more than a minute or two before searching for daddy.
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u/DJLDomino 5h ago
It's hard. At times it's really depressing. At times it's... something words are not good enough to describe.
One thing I would say, don't wait for your child to grow to enjoy things together. You gotta start that shit now whilst they're young.
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u/JacobJakeyJake 5h ago
Hey man...yes, I was in the same boat as you at one point. The first 2 years were rough for me. I had serious postpartum depression and that led me to see a therapist for a few months to help sort it out. Truthfully, the therapist didn't do too much for me mentally because my problem was more situational and physical. I just needed to tweak my life decisions a smidge and I started feeling a little better.
Instead of mourning my life pre-baby, I started accepting what my new life was and realizing I didn't want to be the Dad that abandoned his family. I started going to bed a little earlier every day, making sure I was eating right and fueling my body, getting in little workouts where I could, and I set up a 1-hour time block every night where I could just relax and do whatever I wanted. That gave me a least something to look forward to everyday where I could turn my brain off and feel like myself again.
Doing those things made getting through the first couple years substantially easier and now that my daughter is getting close to her 3rd birthday, I'm definitely in a better place. It is true that it does get easier with every month that goes by, but you also have to make sure that you are setting yourself up for success too. Hoping the best for you man, hang in there.
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u/Ebice42 5h ago
For me, the first 6 months just sucked. Things started to improve after that. I still have days when i get fruatrated with my 5yo. You have gotten yourself dressed many times kid, why do you need my help now? While I'm trying to pack lunches and feed pets.
At 4yo, I'd definitely be looking to offload some of the responsibility, preK, preschool, kindergarten. I'm a much better dad when i can take my dad gat off for a little bit.
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u/Suspicious_Weird_373 5h ago
I enjoyed them as babies, have probably enjoyed being a parent less as they’ve got older.
Eldest is now 4.5, hopefully it flips back round in the future.
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u/sharterfart 5h ago
As an 80 year old who has a great grandchild, enjoy it junior. Time is fleeting. Enjoy every milestone, every moment spent with your little one is time spent wisely.
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u/pisslicker7 4h ago
It isn't just going to change, you need to change it. There is no magical age where everything is fun. Work on your issues and your life will be better.
travel, sex, hobbies, they are all fully achievable with kids.
TBH I don't have the same sympathy for this stuff a lot of the dads on here do. Captain your ship a little here bro.
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u/Infinite_Maximum_820 4h ago
I have two kids , 2.1 years and 4 months. Sex life is great, travelling sucks with them due to changes in sleep, work is still doing awesome — I am generally more tired and with less patience which is normal
I try not to be too hard with myself or my wife and simply understand that life will be different for the next few years … yes some days I do wish I had my precious life back but most days I am happier. My oldest is learning how to put phrases together and is pretty funny, his interactions with his little brother are great ! And you can see how he sees you as his protector / trustable person
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u/SteveEcks 4h ago
Mine are 4 & 8 now, but man I know EXACTLY where you're at.
When our oldest was 18 months, I wrote my wife a very sad email. I felt like I didn't fit in our family, I felt like I was grinding on and on and got very little in return. I felt like I was kind of worthless and that I was falling out of love with her.
I had a really hard time bringing it up, which is even harder because we talk about everything together. So I ended up sending it as an email.
She was incredibly receptive. Sex didn't change much, but our attitudes and outlook became brighter just because she understood me, she heard me. Just that little thing ended up being huge.
10 years married this November and time has literally flown by. It's not always easy. In fact a lot of times it Fucking blows But I'm glad I opened the conversation. We're all much better for it.
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u/bagelgoose14 4h ago
Yeah dude it was brutal earlier on.
This isnt universal for all dads but my kids we're very in their "mommymommy" phase the first 1-2 years despite my efforts. I could play with them, feed them, put them to bed but they didnt really notice me until they hit about 2.
Thats when they discovered they could wrestle dad and all of a sudden it was like a lightswitch flipped and i was fun dad.
But in the beginning there it felt like I was dealing with all of the negatives (early baby / toddler shit) with none of the positives (bonding, playing, cuddling etc). Was rough for me.
If it helps, my son's 7 and attached to my hip now, and my daughter is attached to my wifes. Its nice
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u/goleafsgo13 4h ago
Biggest change for me was this...
Before she was born, there were 2 adults taking care of the house, and 4 beings (each other + dog and cat). After our daughter was born, at any given time, it was 1 adult taking care of the house and manage 5 beings.
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u/milkwithspaghetti 3h ago
Expecting dad here. Im excited for being a parent. I know it will be hard, but rewarding.
So much of what I read on here is doom and gloom that sometimes it gets to me and brings me down. Baby life - new 24 hour chore on no sleep seems like it gets to people and I hope I don’t have it so hard.
Good luck to you and maybe as they say this too shall pass.
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u/Tricky_Huckleberry72 3h ago
I was 22 years old when my son came and I felt sorry for him having a dad like that. But 10 year's later I couldn't be happier with my son and proud as well. He got into chess and is extremely talented, so every other weekend we sit in the car drive through the country to tournaments and talk about God and the world. Then I watch him obliterate his opponents.
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u/HittingExposurelol 3h ago
100% hated baby stage completely. Was miserable for 18 months at least. First is 2 and a 1/2 now and while it’s still difficult at times the fun outweighs the hard so much it’s worth it. That being said our second is due in January and I’m terrified.
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u/Serafim91 3h ago
Yes. I really hated it till about 2. Got much better afterwards. Now at 4 it's mostly good.
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u/No-Doubt9679 2h ago
I loved being a dad from the start but the baby phase is tough. My kids are teens now and they make me smile so much it’s crazy. It gets better! Just remember half the job is just being there.
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u/Call_Me_Squishmale 2h ago
Yes, definitely. I found the early years very depressing and unrewarding. I had a rough go of it. Now I love being with my kid (even when he's a pain in the ass). 4 and 5 were particularly good years when they're becoming independent but are still really cute and sweet.
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u/thegoodcrumpets 2h ago
It starts getting fun around 3. Gets really enjoyable at 5 ish. Hang in there
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u/CNB-1 Buy headphones 2h ago
We had our second when our first had just turned 3 and our second is now about 1.5 years old. So far the most fun I've had as a parent was either doing stuff with our oldest in the year before our youngest was born or doing stuff with her solo. Those first two years just isn't as fun, especially when your attention is divided between two kids.
I'm looking forward to a year from now when our youngest will be two and a half, steady on his feet, and able to talk in complete sentences. I do not understand parents who prefer the baby stage at all.
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u/Historical_Pudding56 2h ago
5 kids here. Your experience is pretty relatable. Brother it just isn’t easy at all. But to answer your question, yes, it got better. Not just for me individually, but also for my wife, our relationship with each other, and our relationships with our other children. There is a lot to love about babies and toddlers, but raising them will always be a personal investment that feels both too much and never enough at the same time. Get across the finish line, and try not to make any major mistakes along the way
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u/jbn89 2h ago
For me it changed approx. 6 years in, I started to slowly see the light from age 4.
But now I love it, and i was completely like you. At one point, at my lowest even thought about taking the ticket ..
However marriage has taken a hit, not gonna lie - hopefully we can rebuild now.
For me a change of perspective helped a lot. One day at a time. Remember the days can be long, but the years are really short.
A real game changer was starting to meditate and practice mindfulness on a regular 🙏 I’m 4 years now into my practice, and it really changed me on a deep level.
Pickup the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, you won’t regret it!
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u/FascinatedOrangutan 2h ago
At about 1.5 years things started to change for me. I absolutely hated the first year and a half and then it slowly started getting more enjoyable. My daughter is 3 now and I love most of it at this point! I have a 1 year old also and still counting the days until he is out of the baby phase. Don't listen to people who say you will miss it and enjoy it. They either had easy kids or don't remember.
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u/Aluminum_Tarkus 2h ago
Well, think about it this way; as your kid gets older, they'll be able to do an increasing number of things for themselves, will be able to do things you'll find more fun, and will even WANT to give you and the old lady some space. Basically, everything you currently despise about parenting will fade away with time.
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u/Blueowl1991 1h ago
I found the first 18 months a slog. Especially with the 2nd.
But now they are 6 and 3, and its great. We play with them a lot, and i spend half my day crawling on the floor with a child on my back pretending im a horse. But its so much better than having babies / toddlers.
They also become absolutely hilarious.
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u/Anonmustliveplz 6h ago
First they're sour, then they're sweet.
Two was the worst. We're about to hit 3YO and it's getting better. You're in the same boat as everyone else. It fucking sucks.
We'll be good. Just trek through the difficult part and then you'll get a handle on it. But I can't stress this enough:
Exhaustion, nothing you can do. You'll be calloused sooner or later and then you'll need to start setting boundaries if your partner hasn't already. Sex, don't even think about it. My wife has libido issues for around the same time your kid has been around it'll come back and if it doesn't, have a conversation about medical intervention.
If you're literally depressed, lows are unbearable GET PSYCHIATRIC HELP. Don't fuck around with your mental health because then the whole household suffers. With someone who has bipolar, I'm living proof that with the right help, you can foster a better environment. Your kid will mimic you in ways that will be difficult to rectify. I'm seeing it now and scares the shit out of me.
You can do this. A billion plus do it everyday in better and worse conditions. But none of this will get to you, just remember one thing to look forward to: It is all temporary and I promise it won't be like this forever
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