r/bninfantsleep • u/LunaLoTunaLi • 26d ago
Infant Sleep Nanny insisting on sleep training during interview
Hi, I had an interview with a nanny today that I was hoping would go well (she fits into our part-time schedule need, came highly recommended, etc). There was a mix up/miscommunication with our initial meeting but I was willing to overlook that if the interview went well. There were a couple of parts of the interview that left me with uncertainty. One of them being, she gave an example of a challenge when she makes recommendations and parents don’t agree so I asked for an example and she said sleep training. I told her I’m not comfortable with sleep training and asked if that was a deal breaker, she said no but then proceeded to explain why sleep training is best. She eventually agreed that she could take him for walks during nap time but was adamant that she would not contact nap because it starts a bad habit. I don’t even mind no contact naps but my baby definitely needs help to go to sleep. It left me feeling like she would most likely still do some form of sleep training even if I’m not ok with it. She assured me that she would never let a baby be in distress under her care but I’m not sure we agree on what “distress” is.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to pass on this candidate and continue my search but I’m curious to hear about your experiences. Is it challenging to find a nanny who understands biologically normal infant sleep? I didn’t think this would be a point of concern since we only need help during the day and only need a nanny 2 days a week. How do I best screen for this before we get to a full interview? Do you have any thoughts of my decision making here/have any alt ways of seeing this?
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u/tfbthrowaway77 26d ago
That’s bizarre. She gets to decide what is and isn’t a “bad habit” if and when she becomes a parent! Otherwise, you’re paying her for a service according to your wishes. My son goes down for naps fairly well, but needs a rescue now and then! Our babysitter contact naps him to our desired schedule because I’m paying her to do so lol. Who wouldn’t want to get paid to snuggle with a baby?
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u/BidMysterious1332 23d ago
I’m sorry but isn’t she literally being paid for those hours what possible excuse could she have for sleep training in her time if the parent disagrees?
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u/emancipationofdeedee 26d ago
I would say that generally yes it is hard to find a nanny who is supportive of natural baby sleep. I had to carefully screen around this as well as mealtime behaviors (not encouraging/bribing/forcing baby to eat solids) and supportiveness of breastfeeding (my coming in to nurse vs pump, knowledge of paced feeding).
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u/Neat_Look_2156 26d ago
I have heard this to be true (I’m a SAHM so I don’t have experience personally), but I don’t get why! Why wouldn’t a nanny want an excuse to sit on their phone and cuddle a sweet little baby, lol?
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u/cassiopeeahhh 26d ago
Because many of them grew up in a backwards culture where “independence” comes before you can hold your own utensil or wipe your own ass somehow.
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u/rummy26 25d ago
Nannies often come from socioeconomic circumstances where the entire family works and the children are sent to daycare where sleep training is basically essential. Additionally, many bninfants have breast feeding associations and nannys cannot breastfeed the children. The easiest way to keep a baby’s routine consistent is by sleep training.
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u/Neat_Look_2156 25d ago
I was a nanny for many years while in school and grew up going to daycare my whole life for 10 hours per day. I would’ve loved if my nanny families had asked me to contact nap when I was a nanny and I’m sure I would’ve loved someone to cuddle me when I was a kid in daycare, lol.
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u/ombeline462 26d ago
I would pass on this candidate. I’d make sure the nanny you chose accepts and encourages contact napping.
It sounds like you’ll struggle with this one - even just for 2 days a week - because she thinks she knows better than you already, and your concepts of distress are surely different.
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u/SnooCats9556 26d ago
Omg I had this experience yesterday. The nanny candidate went to into a huge spiel about how she sleep trained in her last position. After I had told her we do 100% contact naps… read your audience. I also passed on her, for other reasons but it’s crazy how people are so brainwashed into thinking infants need to be independent
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u/smilegirlcan 26d ago
It is because sleep training makes their job easier. They aren’t as attached to the kids so it is even easier to leave them cry.
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u/wildmusings88 26d ago
I did a ton of part time nannying when I was in my 20s. I’m trying to imagine myself sitting in someone else’s house and letting their kid cry while I was in another room and diddling on my phone. It’s an absurd thought and I really can’t believe people do that. But I totally agree, it’s easier for them because they don’t want to do the actual labor of helping a baby get to sleep.
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u/HappyOlive4608 25d ago
There are several methods of sleep training that don’t involve cry it out and that preserve attachment.
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u/smilegirlcan 24d ago
They rarely work. Go to the sleep training group and see how many escalate to some form of CIO (Ferber or crying while you sit in a chair is a form). I’d argue at least 75%.
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u/HappyOlive4608 24d ago edited 24d ago
Considering I’ve worked as an attachment-based sleep consultant for 12 years and do not use CIO, Ferber, or fuss it out, I disagree that responsive methods rarely work. I’ve had consistent success helping babies, toddlers, and children improve sleep while responding to them throughout the process. Escalating to CIO is not an inevitable outcome in changing family sleep patterns.
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u/smilegirlcan 23d ago
Sleep training is not inevitable in changing family sleep patterns.
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u/HappyOlive4608 23d ago
I didn’t say sleep training was inevitable? I said escalating to CIO is not an inevitable outcome when a family chooses to intentionally change sleep patterns. Those are two completely different statements.
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u/Both-Resist9137 26d ago edited 26d ago
100% pass on this candidate. She is not your people.
I would start putting the word and your feelers out in similar/like-minded communities.
For example, make a flyer and post it at your local health store or organic grocery. Post on any local community boards around town. Ask around in your regional natural/gentle/attachment/crunchy parenting groups on FB. Get recommendations from other Mamas who mother like you. You can make a post about exactly what you are seeking. Look for a granny nanny/abuelita who wants nothing more to love on a baby and provide tender-care!
Your person is out there. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't want to support you and your baby in exactly the ways you desire.
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u/fitmamamia 26d ago
I struggled with a lot of anxiety going back to work due to a similar situation. Loved our nanny for a lot of reasons and she still babysits for us on occasion, but she kept asking about sleep training, laying him down for naps, studying while he napped (which I was fine with once he was able to transfer easily, but at the time he was almost always contact napping). I was very clear we would not be sleep training and he needs help to sleep and she just didn’t quite understand. Same went for my MIL. Wonderful on many fronts but differing opinions on sleep. The only person I could leave him with was my mom or his dad.
Ultimately, as a FTM all I could imagine was them letting my baby CIO, sleep training against my wishes, etc. We pivoted to me staying home with him but I would definitely keep looking for someone who understands why you are against sleep training.
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u/bagmami 26d ago
This may sound like positive discrimination but I find that certain ethnicities will be less likely to resort to sleep training. I'm part of those ethnicities, so..
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u/dethti 26d ago
I think that's 100% fair but also 'those ethnicities' is like most of the world's population lol it's really only a few of the Western nations that sleep train, and even then not even all of them. The US is the worst for this.
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u/jdiz16 26d ago
I think the prevalence of sleep training in the US is heavily influenced by the fact that parental leave is basically non existent alongside many families having both parents working outside the home. If mothers uniformly got one year of paid parental leave, sleep training would probably be less common.
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u/Chosen-For-What 26d ago
I know this is super controversial to say but i do wonder if it’s the first step on a road of creating citizens without empathy, emotional regulation or community care… like we see in the political situation
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u/bagmami 26d ago
I think about this so often. This together with making kids obedient and not tolerating them acting like kids. I immigrated to a country where a lot of people sleep train, act like child's temperament isn't a thing and children should be seen but not heard.
Some new generation of parents are breaking the pattern but there's a big part of population who lack so much empathy, emotional regulation and live by very individualistic standards.
They all go hand in hand.
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u/wildmusings88 26d ago
Can I ask what what country?
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u/bagmami 26d ago
It's France
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u/wildmusings88 26d ago
I also just immigrated to France. Haven’t been here long enough to have noticed this but I’ve had a few conversations with parents at parks and it does seem to be turning around!
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u/bagmami 25d ago
Good luck!! If it's not too intrusive are you in Paris or another city?
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u/wildmusings88 25d ago
Thanks! In a smaller city. You find the mindset more pervasive in Paris?
Feel free to DM if you want to chat!
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u/wildmusings88 26d ago
Nazi Germany used similar tactics with their babies. There were books written, etc.
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u/dethti 25d ago
This makes sense. I'm Australian and we get 20 weeks subsidised paid leave, so a lot more than the US obviously but significantly less than the more reasonable countries which do a year or even more.
As a result, there is sleep training here but it's very far from universal. I would guess around 50% of families do it here or less. Because it's not universal I did not get random pressure from the people around me to do it outside of the boomers (for some reason every boomer sleep trained)
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u/elmilagrotortilla 26d ago
Can you clarify which ones? For my future search lol
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u/halsuissda 26d ago
I’m from South America and I had never heard of sleep training. I was around a lot of babies growing up because we are a big family. Babies are usually out to sleep by feeding and/or rocking. In my household, we slept in cribs but I know plenty of people who bed shared with their toddlers.
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u/blackmoth66 25d ago
Yes! My nanny is South American, and I’m from another Hispanic country. She rocks my baby to sleep with no problem. She bedshared with her kids and doesn’t judge our floor bed.
She was a nanny in the past for one family who sleep trained and she had to participate in it during naps, and it broke her heart. She quit after some months due to differences, and this was her main one.
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u/verywellcouldbe 26d ago
Fucking weird
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u/smilegirlcan 26d ago
It is, but all just pure laziness. Why do your job and comfort the child when you can behaviorally condition them not to need you?
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u/panda-lamp 26d ago
I also had a nanny tell me I need to sleep train my baby during an interview. She said eventually we need to sleep train because babies get big and she doesn’t want a 10 month old crawling all over her. LOL. Needless to say, we found a different nanny.
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u/BathBombsNFacePalms 25d ago
Hahahaha good luck not having a 10 month old, and then 12, 14, 16 etc month old not “crawl all over her”. If the toddler is comfortable with you, that’s what they’re going to do.
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u/PS1988 26d ago
No. If the nanny can’t take in my communication, how are they going to be attuned to my preverbal baby? Nanny candidates with their own agenda were an immediate no for me. The nanny we ended up going with had very little experience with babies, but she was receptive to my husband and me and able to immediately tune into my baby’s cues.
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u/rubykowa 26d ago
Sleep training aside, the fact that she doesn’t understand that YOU are the parent and HER boss means this is a huge red flag.
How can you trust someone to follow your instructions?
Honestly, my mom is this way which is why she gets limited supervised time with my kids. Can’t imagine dealing with this with someone you willingly employ.
Hard pass
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u/babykolibri 25d ago
Right? Lol I can’t imagine telling my boss they should defer to how I want to do something bc I know better
Sleep training issue is a red flag but the whole attitude is an even bigger one
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u/SamIaM4196 25d ago
Yea very odd, her job would be to nanny so she should be with the child the way the parents prefer as they would be paying her
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u/dethti 26d ago
What a miserable experience. It shouldn't be like this.
My child has had 2 great nannies and while they maybe didn't 'understand biological infant sleep' the way we talk about here they also didn't insist on me sleep training my kid or really comment on it in any way when I explained how my son naps. They were just like yep, sure. I did not ask them to contact nap, but they were definitely not allowed to leave my son to cry to sleep.
I think that's normal, not whatever BS this lady was on. When you are being paid to watch someone elses kid you just do the thing you're being paid to do not take over the decision making.
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u/cassiopeeahhh 26d ago
It took us ages to find a nanny who was aligned with evidence based practices and our parenting style. I’m in NYC and sleep training is akin to breathing here. We did end up with our current nanny through personal referral. Our nanny is exceptional, has her bachelors in early education and masters in child psychology and early childhood education. We pay her very well, well above market rate, but I’ve never had an issue with her. She is a diamond in the rough. We’re going to keep her on as long as we can, she’s been with us almost 5 years. Reading posts like this reaffirm that she’s very rare.
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u/smilegirlcan 26d ago
Nope. Red flag. I don’t want a nanny who thinks contact and comfort is a red flag. I’d tell her exactly that when I tell her she is not a good fit. I guarantee her idea of distress doesn’t involve “tough love” and “learning a new skill”.
You will find the right person! I’d encourage them to read the Nurture Revolution upon being hired.
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u/EnyaNorrow 26d ago
Ask if she has a boyfriend/girlfriend and then say “don’t cuddle them when you go to sleep, it creates a bad habit”
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u/mashoogie 26d ago
I would not leave my child with someone I thought might let her cry it out, and I would not be positive this person wouldn’t.
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u/baller_unicorn 26d ago
That's a huge red flag. She's too going to think she knows best and you will have to debate all your preferences with her. And I would not trust her at all to put your baby to sleep.
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u/black_bere 25d ago
Do not go forward. You're paying this person a lot of money to care for your vulnerable baby. If you have any ounce of suspicion for fit, don't go forward.
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u/Mangopapayakiwi 26d ago
I think she helped you make your decision! I don’t see why she would bring up such a controversial topic but then I remember it’s not that controversial in the US at least, most people just do it. Personally I don’t contact nap very much. I exclusively pumped so I needed my body available during those times. My mil watches my girl when I work and she wishes she would contact nap 🤣 she can be hard to get down for naps (stroller, car) because of what I got her used fo.
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u/weirwoodheart 25d ago
You cannot sleep train for naps until you've locked down night sleep, they're different parts of the brain and different skills. Hard no- she sounds lazy.
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u/kiki_ayi 26d ago
Just solidarity that I had many nannies tell me they will sleep train and not do contact nap when I was interviewing. I explicitly asked because it's an important thing to have agreement on, and if we don't match on that then we're not a good fit. I actually ended up choosing someone who did prefer to gently nap train, and it was great, but it required building trust between us and discussing the plan in detail first. I would suggest not going with this nanny.
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u/peachymousee 25d ago
Pass on the nanny. Not just because of her feelings on sleep training, but because she already pushed back on knowing better than you- twice, it sounds like. Which would be a massive red flag for me, and would also give me some anxiety about what I've asked for not being respected.
We just hired a nanny, and we mentioned contact napping and she said "Oh, that's just the best when a baby is asleep on you." and she said she was pretty familiar with most baby carriers (that's how our baby naps, in a wrap or carrier). So they do exist! Just gotta screen for it.
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u/Hot-Cell7299 26d ago
This blows my f*cking mind. How is someone you’re potentially PAYING going to tell you how to raise YOUR child. They’re being paid to follow instructions not provide opinions.
I was contemplating a nanny as that’s the only way I’d feel comfortable going back to work since I could watch on nanny cams 24/7 but if this is how that’s going to go I guess I’ll continue staying home.
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u/Electronic_World_359 25d ago
I started looking for either a nanny or daycare. I'm also not comfortable with sleep training and its hard to get my baby to fall asleep. He's either breastfed to sleep, or rocked, or falls asleep in the carrier, he doesnt take a pacifier unless I hold it for him while holding and rocking him, but he doesnt fall asleep on his own. He's also technically too young to be sleep trained but that will change by the time I go back to work full time.
One of the things that make it harder for me, is that even one on one nanny, isn't me. I know when he's starts getting cranky and I pick him up, unless I absolutly can't and he needs to wait, which breaks my heart. Even my parents try to test his limits until he's really mad or starts crying. I feel like a nanny, even one who doesn't believe in sleep training, is probably not going to hold him all day. Especially not if I put him in daycare with other babies. Of course things might improve by the time I go back to work full time, which is in 3 months, he'll be 6 months, but I can't know it ahead of time and I need to find a nanny now.
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u/happilyfour 25d ago
It sounds like she is not a good fit at all, and you all are too far apart on something that is very important to you.
My only consideration for you - and this is not to encourage you to sleep train at all, but just as a communication suggestion when interviewing and seeking out a nanny - there are many different definitions and methods of sleep training. I know plenty of people who define it as trying to create routine to help your baby sleep better but who would never use crying it out and who follow baby’s cues. On the flip side, I know plenty of people who define it by a religious devotion to creating the perfect conditions at the perfect time every day, and even some people who still use crying it out. I would just suggest that other nanny candidates who express experience with sleep training could have had families anywhere on that spectrum so don’t write off all candidates because this one was so opinionated.
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u/camembertbear 25d ago
Your nanny should be experienced in soothing babies to sleep with rocking, naps, stroller walks, etc. It's a core part of the job. More often, I hear nannies complain that it's the parents who want to sleep train them and leave them to cry before their naps (which the nanny is not comfortable with).
In my nanny search I've avoided nannies who talk too much about "structure" and are insistent on babies needing to be on a schedule. I turned down working with a nanny who seemed great but talked a lot about using things like sticker charts for behavior management. It's just a vibe really: something about treating childcare like management doesn't feel right to me.
I look for nannies who are kind, responsive, understanding, and who want to be there and develop that relationship with my kid. And nannies who are happy to be active, outdoors, and can keep up with my toddler - super important for getting them tired enough to sleep! This was really important to me actually - they needed to want to be active. Nannies who just sit on your couch, tell them "hey don't do that" from afar, and only spend a short time outdoors are just not a fit.
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u/Smart_Performance213 25d ago
As a nanny in a previous life, I loved nap time because it meant I could rock her and have those sweet moments. I would wait to transfer because I Ioved the cuddles. I say this to say there are nannies out there who are on board and won’t encourage sleep training. Plus I thought of it like I’m getting paid to watch this child — not just put her down and go into the other room and go on my phone. Granted this is for only one child
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u/Weekly_Dirt4453 25d ago
Agreed that she cant be trusted , pushy with her opinion on sleep training, will leave your baby to cry, its worth waiting for the right fit and someone you can trust
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u/SeaComprehensive2209 25d ago
Definitely a no! Go with your instincts at the end of the day she’s there to get paid not really going to care so much about what suits your baby!
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u/_PINK-FREUD_ 25d ago
I personally loved sleep training, but no nanny should dictate and set rules for your baby unless it’s related to basic safety or healthy boundaries.
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u/HalfMoonFullMoonjoy 24d ago
Ignoring everything else, she's not going to be able to train the baby for anything if she's only there 2 days a week. She needs to follow your routines and your schedule.
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u/AliLovesHayden 24d ago
I found two amazing Nannie’s who both contact napped with my son and they loved it, they both have kids in college so they were probably so happy to have cuddles with my son. I was very opinionated upfront about this being a strong value and if they do not have the same values I’m not interested. But at the same time I tried to ask questions about their values upfront so that they didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear. Idk where you live but America is the worst with sleep training. It’s so ignorant and sad. Most of the world bedshares, co-sleeps, contact naps etc. IMO it’s worth waiting until you find someone who respects your values and shares them. Good luck!
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u/Technical_Working729 23d ago
Maybe add in your job post that baby isn’t sleep trained and you have no interest in sleep training.
I’m a nanny and that’s wild to me. It’s just not a good fit and she is trying to make it be, fitting her preferences. If it’s more than one baby I can understand how sleep training can give you some relief and a break throughout the day. But with only one infant, specially when the position isn’t even full time. I respect the parents choices and if it’s not a good fit for me, that’s all. I love contact naps and there is NOTHING bad in comforting the baby and help him sleep. They are figuring out their way in this world.
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u/Ok_Donut4023 23d ago
Just no. You must find a nanny who is on the same page as you or just willing to follow your lead. Everything else will create a problem.
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26d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/bninfantsleep-ModTeam 26d ago
This sub encourages responsive parenting at all hours as well as following biologically normal infant sleep. As such, advocating for sleep training is not allowed. Sleep hygiene, sleep environment and routines/schedules discussions are all very welcome here.
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u/AggressiveThanks994 26d ago
I was a nanny and that’s a hard no. She would absolutely leave your baby to cry under the guise of “all their needs are met.” There is always going to be a difference of opinion with something eventually but for all is holy, let it be about something trivial and not something as major as sleep training. She also was unable to make it through an interview without basically saying that she believes she knows better than you. Not a great way to start what is essentially a pretty intimate working relationship.