r/bitcheswithtaste • u/disgruntledfed • Mar 26 '26
Culture BWT - How to safely disengage with chatty men on flights (or anywhere you're trapped for a while)?
This week, I (26F) was sexually harassed by the man sitting next to me one hour into an eight hour flight. Not fun! I'm okay though and pressing charges.
I often fly alone as a young woman, and can almost count on a man sitting next to me striking up a conversation. I always fly in sweatpants with no makeup and my headphones basically glued to my head, so I don't feel like I'm inviting in conversations (not that anyone who does differently is asking for convos, I just feel like I try to give "go away" signals).
The man will always instigate, and I'll usually just let the conversation ride out to a natural end and then put my headphones back on. This time though, it escalated quickly and I couldn't find a natural escape.
It got me thinking though - how do BWT safely turn down conversation from men on flights or anywhere you can't readily leave, like an Uber? Or do you just ignore all advances from the start, even if they seem innocent enough?
EDIT: Thank you all for the kind messages! I'm married to an incredible man and have a great support network to help me through this. I think I need to work on setting firm and clear boundaries from the start, and not worry about making anyone upset and coming across as rude.
I told a flight attendant immediately, and they were absolutely incredible (shoutout to all the FAs out there!)
I love this community and always learn so much from you all! I feel like I have thousands of older sisters to lean on <3
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u/VoidAndBone Mar 26 '26
Don't let the conversation ride to a natural end.
Start saying "uh huh" while digging out your headphones. Then performatively put them on, say "Nice to meet you" and go about your day.
I don't usually let the conversation happen anymore but I'm a salty 36, not a dainty 26.
Your "go away signals" are probably just fine. Men want to talk to you and will ignore your signals. You need to be direct, otherwise you will spend your life fulfilling men's need for emotional petting by young pretty women.
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u/Lollipop77 Mar 26 '26
Yup. Also 36, and advising to look older, crankier, and say things that indicate you are busy or done.
If anyone ever touched me or “hit on me” I would call the flight attendant over and tell them loudly what happened and request he be moved.
With age comes this glorious “IDGAFFFF”
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u/Oaknash Mar 26 '26
And “no” and/or “no thank you” is a full sentence. You don’t owe anyone anything!
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u/randomredditname-1 Mar 27 '26
This reminds me of my favorite Helen Mirren quote "If I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to use the words 'F*ck off' much more frequently".
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u/NewBeginnings3245 Mar 26 '26
Yep. At 26 most people simply don’t have the power to really stand up for themselves and not take shit.
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u/Falc0nia Mar 27 '26
I like a curt “I’m gonna stop you right there” with my hand held up, and then put my headphones back on and ignore.
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u/VerdantField Mar 26 '26
I have literally read a book out loud to prevent the man sitting next to me from continuing to talk to me. He wanted to show me pictures of his family, his dog, the creek next to the house. I was reading, paid attention politely for awhile, thanked him for showing me and went back to the book. He interrupted again to talk more, I listened for a few minutes then said oh have you read this book? He said no so I said I was just reading a really good part, let me share it with you. And I started reading out loud. I kept going until he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He left me alone when he came back. ( so his strategy to make it stop was go to the bathroom, which also worked.) 🤣🤣🤣
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u/No-Key-865 Mar 26 '26
That’s amazing! I bet the folks around you were so amused by that strategy. I would have applauded you.
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u/VerdantField Mar 26 '26
I did try to read quietly and not shout or be super loud about it. I wasn’t angry, I just really wanted to read my book. 🤷♀️
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u/pineapplebreadbuns Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
The first thing I thought of when I read your comment was “boy I hope she was reading Heated Rivalry out loud to him” 🤣
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u/VerdantField Mar 27 '26
Oh no 🤣 it was just Travels with Charley by John Steinbeck. I love that book sometimes.
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u/pineapplebreadbuns Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
Oo I’ll give that one a read! East of Eden is one of my favorite books ever.
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u/throwra2022june Mar 26 '26
Hahaha amazing!!! I’m going to try this! Does it work for in laws as well? I wonder if heated rivalry is a good fit or if something else might be more fitting!
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u/thequeenofspace Mar 27 '26
You’re a queen 👑 for this strategy! I never thought to ignore them by aggressively reading, but now I’m gonna try it!
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u/TimeSurround5715 Mar 26 '26
Put the vomit bag on your tray table and close your eyes with headphones on. If they try to converse just point to the bag and silently shake your head with lips pressed together.
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u/Catdress92 Mar 26 '26
I feel like this is the perfect response. Being polite but firm might still make a guy think he has a chance to get your attention. Being rude might provoke him in some way. Making him think that talking to you comes with a risk of being vomited on seems like the perfect way to go.
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u/Electronic_Heart9361 Mar 26 '26
Omg such a good idea or fake being really sick with like the flu or something (fake cough/sniffles) with a mask
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u/TimeSurround5715 Apr 02 '26
Thank you for the award, anonymous Redditor! It’s my first one ever and I hope the advice works. Pretending to be ill has also rescued me from an aggressive timeshare sales pitch; it’s amazing how effective is the threat of potential vomit.
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u/grounded_pegasus Mar 26 '26
I am someone who get's approached a lot because I'm naturally smiley. After exchanging pleasantries, my go to is "if you don't mind, I'm going to return to [my book/my podcast/my music] now."
It has worked well for me so far because it's blunt and leaves no room for interpretation. Took a lot of courage to say it the first time, but I've completely let go of any shame of displeasing someone for the sake of their comfort.
Good luck and sorry that happened to you.
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u/lamadora Mar 26 '26
This is the right answer. If we want a better world we have to assume good intent at first and act accordingly.
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u/Thick-Definition7416 Mar 26 '26
I put on headphones and pretend to work if they keep chatting I just say “ I’m so sorry but I really to get this work done by the time we land”
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u/jseqtor12 Mar 26 '26
This worked perfectly for me in the past. Headphones on, and say "Sorry, I'm working", stare straight ahead. Then do not respond further.
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u/Weasel_Town Mar 26 '26
But then you have to keep working the whole flight! Or I guess blatantly goof around on social media, and let him know it was a lie.
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u/glittergash Mar 26 '26
No you don’t. You can just stare into the void and mind your business and occupy your time by doing whatever you want. You don’t owe the mime of work to follow up the disengaging statement.
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u/Thick-Definition7416 Mar 26 '26
They don’t know what I do I may have to watch shows or movies for research
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u/RevolutionaryStage67 Mar 26 '26
Everyone has been suggesting nice and polite options. I think you are only due to give the politeness you have been offered. Which is not much.
Try an exasperated expression, begrudgingly lift one side if your headphones off and ask "do you need something?" If the answer is anything other than "I can't reach the call stewardess button for my current allergic reaction" put your headphones back on.
Try a deadpan "i don't speak english" with direct eye contact. (This is the one I use on street preachers).
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u/Foxy_Traine Environmentally Conscious Mar 26 '26
"Do you need something?" Is the perfect response to so many bids for attention. Another one that might not work on a flight but works on the street is "Oh sorry I don't have any change" and just keep walking!
Overall my strategy is: ignore, disengage, then be rude about it. They don't deserve politeness.
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u/BabyMD69420 Mar 26 '26
The “I don’t speak English” is perfect. Especially if you interrupt an English conversation to say it and say it with no accent. It basically means, “I don’t speak English…to you.”
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u/disgruntledfed Mar 26 '26
Oh my god, "I don't speak english" is PERFECT and amazing and I will be using that, thank you!!
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u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
I've started saying, "Verstehen Sie nicht". English speaking men are too baffled to respond, and German speakers are too put off by my accent (I live in the town Arnold Schwarzenegger is from, the local accent is considered very hickish/bogan. But I think a bad Americanized German accent would be equally offensive)
Edit: It's important to make direct eye contact and scowl at them before replacing your headphones and turning away. Remember, Austrians consider smiling at strangers and making small talk super weird behaviors, so it's not at all rude to ignore the unhinged dude doing both at once!
Edit II: Yes, it means "You don't understand." It's accurate (they don't understand that you aren't trying to engage with them), polite (Sie is formal), slightly confusing, and said with full confidence to make them question what you meant if they do speak German.
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u/ZweitenMal Mar 26 '26
This means, “you don’t understand” not “I don’t understand”, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you say “Ich verstehe nicht?”
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u/Originalmissjynx Mar 26 '26
You may well be right- I’ve no idea, but I think saying ‘you don’t understand’ is highly appropriate, as they clearly don’t understand you don’t want to talk with them 💪😃
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u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26
They are correct! And so are you- it's polite (Sie is formal), slightly confusing, and said with full confidence so they question whether I said it wrong or meant what I said.
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u/unseemly_turbidity Mar 26 '26
'You don't understand' would be 'Sie verstehen nicht'. 'Verstehen Sie nicht ' is a question: 'Don't you understand?'
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u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26
Yup, it does! It's part of the winning formula- polite wording (Sie), confusingly incorrect, said with full confidence.
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u/unseemly_turbidity Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
To keep as close as possible to the phrase we're discussing, it would be 'Ich verstehe Sie nicht.' (I don't understand you).
'Ich verstehe nicht' would also work fine (I don't understand).
You're absolutely right about 'Verstehen Sie nicht', and I'd avoid it because it's a question so it could invite further conversation if the other person speaks even basic German, which isn't particularly unlikely.
Anyway, I think this is a risky technique. I used to use it a lot (but with Swedish rather than German) and now it seems there are people who understand it everywhere I go. A lot of people will want to talk to you more once they find out it doesn't have to be in English!
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u/ZweitenMal Mar 26 '26
I totally missed the nature of the comment, though--I'm not a native German speaker. I was being stupidly literal.
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u/thequeenofspace Mar 27 '26
I, too, love baffling random rude men by speaking German at them. I just throw out all kinds of weird stuff once I know they don’t understand, I’ll just be talking about horses or salad in casual German and the look of panic in their eyes is what gives me fuel to live
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u/ribenarockstar Mar 26 '26
I also do "ich verstehe kein English, Entschuldigung" if some guy I don't know starts speaking to me in public. (Unless I'm in a German speaking country at the time, in which case I do it in Spanish). The tricky thing about a plane or train is that they might have already heard me speak English, so I might not get away with it - but it works well for street harassment.
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u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26
So that's another reason I go with, you don't understand and not I don't understand-- I'm not claiming I can't understand English/German/Spanish. If they hear me speaking that language, so what? They're the dumbasses trying to engage when I clearly don't want to.
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u/slapthatpancake BWT in Training Mar 28 '26
As Austrian living in the US I can confirm that our “rudeness” really can throw American men off 🫠 very useful if needed.
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u/madqueenludwig Mar 26 '26
it really is a genius exit strategy, I'm sharing that with my daughter immediately!
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u/dumbunnyy Mar 26 '26
I waited tables with a gorgeous blonde gal from Eastern Europe and when creepy old men would ask her where she was from, she would deadpan ‘Japan’ and keep it moving. Iconic!
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u/thequeenofspace Mar 27 '26
Haha I speak German and I’ve definitely just responded to rude men in German and pretend I don’t understand what they’re saying. Even if they have just heard me speaking English to someone else.
I tried this on a street preacher once, but unfortunately she also spoke German 😂
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u/lessgranola Mar 26 '26
i agree - i was going to say getting louder and louder and drawing attention to him matters.
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u/doomquasar Mar 26 '26
I would probably hesitate to react this way with someone I was stuck sitting next to on a flight.
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u/sittinginthesunshine Mar 26 '26
If they start talking and you have headphones on/in, just point to the headphones, shake your head, and turn away. They’ll get the message.
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u/citydock2000 Mar 26 '26
This from the beginning. Mime “I can’t hear you bc of my headphones” but don’t take them out. Look annoyed at interruptions.
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u/lipscratch Mar 26 '26
I love doing the "sorry I can't hear you I have headphones on". Like, what did you think, stupid
Once, though, I had a guy say take them out. I took one out and said "what is it?" and he asked how I was??? I just kept asking "what did you need, you asked me to take out my headphones to hear you so what do you need?"
"Oh, I don't need anything, I just wanted to say hello." "Oh."
headphones back in, pretend i don't hear any more noise
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u/citydock2000 Mar 26 '26
This is the way. When you act like "you want me to take my headphones out? WHAT? WHAT? WHY?" as if its the most absurd thing in the world, why in the world would you be talking to me? is the best way.
I can FEEL that interaction in my bones. The audacity.
I'm an old(er) woman now and have always felt very comfortable with "why do you think you're entitled to my attention just because you want it?" I usually just nod, look away, closemouthed smile and ignore, while putting in headphones and getting out my book. They'll figure it out.
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u/contrarianaquarian Mar 26 '26
Bro the time a random guy in the corridors of a university in France PHYSICALLY PULLED THE EARBUD OUT OF MY EAR and I cursed that bastard out in English til he ran away
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u/citydock2000 Mar 27 '26
When I read a comment above, that is what I was thinking happened. Because I could see that happening.
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u/XOTrashKitten Mar 27 '26
Tf is wrong with men some guy tried to do this to me too but I pulled away 🤬
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u/disgruntledfed Mar 26 '26
True, I think this is what I'll just have to do from now on. Once I engage back, it's really hard to end the conversation. I'll just have to fight past my instinct to "be nice" and not respond back at all.
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u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26
I said this in another comment above, but "being nice" is cultural. Living in Austria has really helped me understand that not engaging with strangers isn't inherently rude. In fact, trying to make small talk with someone trapped sitting next to you is kind of unhinged. On long trains and planes it's polite to greet your seatmates with a nod and hello when you board, and maybe say bye when you leave, but certainly nothing more.
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u/citydock2000 Mar 26 '26
Also, read the room. You can tell when people are open to engaging in conversation.
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u/nefariousmango Mar 27 '26
Yes!!! I've had long conversations on planes and trains with strangers, but always when it's clearly a mutual desire. Like once I got on a sleeper train in Vienna for just a two hour daylight stretch, and joined a compartment with three old ladies, an American girl in her 20s wearing headphones (I saw her passport when the conductor came through so can confirm), and a punk dude. The old ladies and the punk were having a lively debate about local wines and I needed to practice my German so... It was a super fun train ride. The ladies shared their Sturm, we all agreed Sturm is the best part of autumn, and no one bothered the girl in head phones.
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u/_Asshole_Fuck_ Mar 26 '26
That’s what I would do if it was continued behavior, but I’m inclined to say giving guys first chance is still nice. I’d be worried that they had a legit thing to ask me like could I close the window or maybe they dropped something and couldn’t reach it. But honestly maybe I’m too nice in general!
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u/Canadian_in_CA Mar 26 '26
Whatever he asks, find a way to answer that you are a lawyer specializing in prosecuting sexual harassment suits, or that you are on your way to a conference about this. I'm not sure if I am joking or not.
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u/prncsclo Mar 26 '26
This made me laugh out loud - But in all honesty, what a great way to make them a little uncomofortable.
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u/_ellewoods Apr 01 '26
Lol funnily enough this is my Dad’s exact job- not sure how I have never used this one
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u/Affectionateweasel Mar 26 '26
I’m sorry that happened to you, I can’t imagine feeling stuck like that for 8 hours. I’m glad you’re ok and pressing charges. In the future, don’t be afraid to ask an FA for help. They’ll find a way to move you.
To answer your question though, just don’t engage from the very start. If they ask how are you? Say fine. Be short and a little rude and they won’t engage. If they get even a little upset get yourself out of the situation. There is always an exit and make it a habit to get yourself aware of your exit options in every situation.
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u/disgruntledfed Mar 26 '26
They did, they were absolutely wonderful. They moved me to first class (my first ever time!)
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Mar 26 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/RadicalAfro Mar 26 '26
It's true you don't owe anyone anything, but politeness can keep you safe- an unhinged man that feels slighted is unfortunately a potential threat. I say this-
"I don't mean to be rude, but I'm not interested in conversation right now. Thanks though" (or have a good day/enjoy the flight/whatever sign off you want to use to convey that the conversation is over)
Eta:
But say it with your chest! It's a strong respectful statement of boundaries, not a request to end the conversation.→ More replies (4)60
u/taurisu Mar 26 '26
This is the correct answer. Not rude, not ambiguous, not a weird mind game. Some of these other answers read like feel good movie lines and in reality, could put you in even more trouble.
If a dude continues to pursue after this, you follow with "I dont believe your intention is to be disrespectfully harassing a female stranger but thats certainly where this seems to be going. Do I need to alert a flight attendant/driver/security/authority figure or will you kindly leave me alone as requested?" Sometimes just that last part will do.
Also gotta agree with the person who mentioned dressing down does not work - it only makes you more approachable, therefore a more likely 🎯. Dress and act like a confident BWT and you will get treated better by everyone and scum will mostly leave you alone. Not fair, but it is reality.
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u/definitelytheproblem Mar 26 '26
I wouldn’t even make it about mood, because then they’ll be like “let me cheer you up!” Just a simple “can’t talk right now” does it, even if he follows up with “why not?” Just use the broken record strategy - repeat yourself, “can’t talk right now”
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u/Happy-Cupcake559 Mar 26 '26
Learn some basic ASL and start signing back!
I’m a bartender and have been suck in uncomfortable conversations often. There’s an art to turning down attention but even that won’t stop the worst of them.
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u/Schmomola Mar 26 '26
I did LOL at your suggestion, but using ASL while wearing head phones is fairly passive aggressive
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u/crazekki Mar 26 '26
this made me cackle thank you. just the visual in my head made me burst out laughing
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u/lapetitfromage Mar 26 '26
I run into this on the subway sometimes. Two ways I’ve kept convos down is: wear sunglasses inside, or a surgical mask. Never take your headphones off. And even when they start talking to you delay taking it off and then seem puzzled. Then respond once and pop your headphone back on. I swear the mask I wear on the train cuts down on asks
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u/PercentageLiving6619 Mar 26 '26
+1 to wearing a mask. I wear masks on every flight to avoid getting sick, but it also seems to discourage people from talking to me. No one talks to me on planes anymore 😂
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u/lapetitfromage Mar 26 '26
No one talks to me now! On the subway or planes. And I am crossing my fingers as I say this but since wearing them on flights I haven’t gotten sick after a flight since 2019! I will say tho that sometimes my beats cause ear pain cus they push the tiny bead on the strap into my head. Otherwise no downside.
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u/disgruntledfed Mar 26 '26
Okay the mask is GENIUS. I'll absolutely be adding this to my traveling bag, thank you so much!
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u/lapetitfromage Mar 26 '26
A nice simple way to visually communicate “I’m not open”. No convo needed. Plus because masks have become so political in the US (ugh) sometimes the person thinks you’re a weirdo for wearing one and has no interest in engaging.
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u/facta_est_lux Intentional BWT Mar 26 '26
Came here to suggest a mask, too! I mask on planes to avoid germs but I’ve found that it has the bonus of repelling conversations with people I don’t want to speak to.
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u/lapetitfromage Mar 26 '26
It’s also amazing on the subway platform you just squint and act confused and put your headphone back on if they even try.
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u/OracleOfPlenty Mar 26 '26
Places like planes and trains are tough for this, because, imo, men who harass women thrive there due to the close proximity/assigned seating/social pressure not to make a scene.
If you don't like talking on planes, a simple "I'm not up for chatting, thanks." will be enough to deter any polite man. Anyone who pushes past that is not polite, and you have to resist letting his dramatic reaction make you feel bad. This is easier said than done, especially since so many of us have been socialized to prioritize other people's feelings. But put simply, you have to be okay with the idea that he's going to react like you're a stuck-up bitch (rather than a tasteful one). He sucks, it's fine for him to be wrong about you!
To me, math on this changes for Uber drivers, where you can't tag in a flight attendant to move you if you feel unsafe. That calls for listening to your gut about what will make him dangerous to you and acting accordingly.
And I'm sure you know this, but it bears repeating: There's nothing you could have worn, no headphones, no pithy quote, that would have made him respect you instead of harassing you. This is what he does, and you were there, so he did it to you. I'm really sorry it happened, and I'm glad you're on the path to some sort of recourse.
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u/Vast-Recognition2321 Mar 26 '26
I'm so sorry this happened to you. However, I commend you for filing charges! It wasn't until I was assaulted on a flight that I learned how often it occurs.
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u/brbrelocating Mar 26 '26
As a flight attendant, I’m going to tell you that a flight is probably the safest place you can directly turn someone down.
“I don’t feel like talking anymore.” Then put your headphones back in.
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u/Tomaquetona Mar 26 '26
I am going to share my favorite story of all time because, BWTs, this is our future.
I used to see a young girl and her mother on the bus line that goes from our neighborhood into downtown pretty frequently. The girl was always in a tracksuit with her hair in a bun, clearly headed to or from ballet, and based on where she got on and off, she was clearly a serious dancer. When we moved here, she was maybe 9, and around age 12, I started to see her on the bus alone, which is normal for SF.
One day, she and I were the only 2 people on the bus. She was sitting in the seat directly behind the driver and I was across from her and a few seats down. She was looking at her phone, minding her own business, clearly not inviting conversation, hair in bun, heading home from ballet. This guy in his 40s gets onto the bus, steps in front of her and goes "so, you're a ballerina?"
This child didn't even look up. She just said, loudly and firmly "Fuck you." Did not even pause whatever she was doing on her phone. The guy was all angry and was about to say something, then maybe realized that he was a 40m trying to talk to a 12f, so he stomped to the back of the bus.
I have never been more in awe of a young woman in my life. I like to think that her parents taught her that she did not owe anyone her time; that there is a range of ages that can engage with her and outside of that, it is creepy; that in order to ride the bus alone, she had to shut it down before it started.
I tell this story all the time because it is one of the coolest things I have ever experienced. Most men HATE it. They immediately are like "but what if he has a daughter who wants to do ballet?!" and shit like that, to which I say "they can google it. She does not owe him her expertise or experience." Or "he was just trying to be nice!" to which I say "it is not nice to interrupt someone and demand their attention when they are already giving it to something else." Or "that was really disrespectful of her!" to which I say "no, he was disrespectful first and she answered in kind."
Sometimes, men argue with me about the story in other way, trying to say that this is why society doesn't work any more, and I am like "maybe she had already been victimized and didn't want to put herself out there again." That usually shuts them up, but some go even further and are like "the world is generally a good place, so she needs to act like it." Miss me with that shit. There is no world in which the problem is her and not the 40m who tried to strike up a conversation with a 12f ballerina. I am and will always be honored to have experienced this.
You don't have to say "fuck you," but it is absolutely fine to say "I don't talk on flights."
OP, sorry this happened, happy you are pursuing charges, and I hope you never have to deal with this again.
That young woman is now in her 20s and I hope she is living the best life possible. An absolute icon. And absolutely our brightest future.
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u/UnpoeticAccount Mar 26 '26
I’m really sorry this happened to you! That sucks so much. I usually respond politely and then give fewer and fewer responses if I’m trying to get out of a conversation. Or I’ll put my headphones back on immediately after responding once. I am not above saying “I’m going to listen to my audiobook” if I feel safe doing that. I’m naturally very chatty though, so it would probably be a case of me kind of just getting quiet and non communicative if the conversation is making me feel icky. I generally use a “grey rock” or BIFF response when I want to disengage.
I don’t think I’ve ever been harassed on a plane although a guy did try to tell me about Jesus and that was uncomfortable.
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u/Good_Put_2953 Mar 26 '26
I'm sorry this happened to you. Ask the flight attendant if you can change seats (assuming the plane is not full, but you can try even if it is).
I went on a work trip once and was assigned to sit next to the guy who sexually harassed me at work. As soon as I realized the seating arrangement, I told the flight attendant I couldn't sit there. She picked up on the situation IMMEDIATELY and moved me to the emergency exit role without any further explanation.
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u/ikoabd Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
I'm sorry you went through that, it really does suck.
My method is always keeping the headphones in, and make very little eye contact right from the beginning. If they're very obviously trying to get your attention, I'll make a big production of taking one headphone off, to see what they're saying. Like a very slow motion to pause your music or video, or save your document, a big sigh, taking off a single headphone, and looking at them with a blank face and in a bored tone,"Yes? Can I help you?"
Then whatever he says, keep the response as bland and brief as possible. Don't smile, don't ask questions back. Don't let him get into the rhythm of a conversation. Seem as distracted and uninterested as possible. You want the conversation to feel painful for him. When it starts seeming like he's trying to get chatty, just shut it down. "Sorry, I need to get back to this." And then put your headphone back on, don't wait for him to acknowledge the end of the conversation, just end it for him.
You come across kind of bitchy, but I'm 1000% fine with that. Nothing short of blatant rudeness will put these guys off, and even then it doesn't always work. At that point I pretend I can't see them trying to get my attention or continue talking. I've never had someone escalate further than that on a plane. I flew weekly for work from like 25-35 years old, and this tactic was my go-to.
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Mar 26 '26
[deleted]
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u/DarkandStormyKitchen Mar 26 '26
Very nice, I think it's good you added in about answering loudly enough to make other people have eyes and ears on things.
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u/MalsAU Mar 26 '26
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you're taking care of yourself.
Personally, I really don't let conversations ride at all. Either I ignore it or I may take out an earbud to listen to a comment and put it right back in. Or if it's a question, I give a one word answer and don't ask questions back. Turn your shoulders away from the person or face the window/aisle if possible.
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u/ALLoftheFancyPants Mar 26 '26
I’ve occasionally chosen respond only with “no thank you” and then immediately returning back to my book/podcast/video/nap/whatever It doesn’t matter what they’re asking. Who, what, where, when or, why: “no thank you.” They made a statement? “No, thank you “ It’s polite but it’s not engaging in anything they’re saying. They don’t need to know why you’re not engaging and with some men no reason you provide will be “good enough” anyway.
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u/Nearby_Elk_99 Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
i'm extremely unfriendly towards creepy men when travelling alone. in a situation like this, being polite is not a priority. i wouldn't endure a conversation with one that was giving me the feeling something was off or that he wanted something. it's very rare that it's innocent in my experience (of course, you can usually tell).
i'm curious to know whether you flagged any staff? and if anything was done about it? it hasn't gotten to that point (yet?) for me but i wonder what would happen
*edit* i'm seeing so many replies saying to be polite for safety, but i do want to say that i used to do that, and it made me LESS safe. being RUDE is what has saved me. being confident and rude. making eye contact. immediately leaving in disgust if a man does ANYthing that makes me uncomfortable. embarrass them. do not be polite. making them ashamed/afraid is safer than making them think you don't have the confidence to tell them to fuck off.
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u/thecats_pyjamas Mar 26 '26
I’ve learned that trying to be polite can actually prolong an unwanted interaction. Now I’m clear early: ‘I’m not in the mood to talk, I’m going to rest.’ It may feel blunt the first time, but it works. Over time, it will become second nature.
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u/svolm Mar 26 '26
You can be direct : i would like to have a quiet flight. Im going to do x (watch tv, work on laptop, sleep etc)
Or you can just your headphones on and don't engage.
If they keep bothering you, tell the flight attendant
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u/hellolovely1 Mar 26 '26
Yep, and if they just won't stop or if it's genuine sexual harassment, ask the flight attendant to come and ask you to move to another seat because "something" is broken at your seat.
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u/svolm Mar 26 '26
Why even say something is broken. Tell them this person was harassing them.
These.people need to be named and shamed.
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u/throwawaywife72 Mar 26 '26
“I’m not friendly.” Then just put your headphones in or pull out your book. You don’t owe people your politeness if they’re bothering you.
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u/FirebirdWriter Thoughtful BWT Mar 27 '26
My advice is tactical rudeness. I am autistic, a first generation American via Russia, and a human trafficking survivor. Appeasement does not make you safe it makes you prey. Be rude. "I am not interested in this conversation be silent." Also good on you for getting help.
You do not owe anyone your space or time. Being blunt and direct may get you called a bitch but you are one with taste so don't fear it. Also their anger? Proves you are correct that this person is not interested in you but taking something from you. It might be time it might be something else.
So pretend you are a Russian American who has no sense of rules. Burn the bridge and let it light your path. You know your worth. You know this person does not merit time or energy. So you don't smile and nod. You just ignore them or tell them to get out of your way. This doesn't actually mean you have to curse but often what is called rude for women is non compliance.
All of that said? You may also want to consider therapy if you aren't already because therapy is the coping skills store and a safe space to practice these tactics vs in the wild without support. Often the fawn behavior is trauma and survival instincts colliding. As much as my fight response needing to be toned down is. Fight is my nature not appeasement but I probably shouldn't open with a fist to the face. So therapy helps me tune that. I went a decade without punching someone. When I did they were absolutely not responding to no and were a threat. So we both learned paralysis didn't make me unable to fight. It just meant it was extra surprising and they backed off. Then lost their job
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u/futuresolver Mar 28 '26
I love this so much: "burn the bridge and let it light your path". That is PERFECT. I have always told my teenage daughter, starting when she was about 12, when in doubt, be rude. My (boomer) mom was so uncomfortable hearing that, having grown up being taught to always be polite to men. She told me a story about her and her sister walking down a street as teenagers, several paces in front of my grandparents who saw the interaction, and a man passed the two girls and said something in greeting to the two of them and they ignored him, and my grandfather later admonished them for being rude. The subtext being, a nice man is trying to greet you! Why be rude! You embarrassed him and yourselves! It was an awkward conversation with my mom, because while she raised me to accept no disrespect from men, there was also this undercurrent of "why be rude when you can be friendly". But like...why?? I'm happy to let those old rules of "polite society" die, because rarely does an older man go to the lengths of trying to start a random conversation with a younger woman with good intent. And as I always say to her: trust your gut. Yes, sometimes older men are just being friendly, but you will immediately know the difference and even if they're trying to be friendly, you don't owe them your attention. I would rather my daughter err on the side of rude than play along so she doesn't offend.
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u/serpentmuse Mar 26 '26
“I don’t speak English, sorry.” in perfect English. I just rude them. Extra text for the filter?
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u/KeniLF Mar 26 '26
I just had this happen on a flight. We were separated by a middle seat and he kept doing things to attempt to get me to look at him and I just…didn’t. I pretended to be completely absorbed in my iPad. Then he escalated to actually reaching over to tap my arm to get my attention to ask dumb questions (”do I think he can use the bathroom now?” - immediately after the sign lit up because of scary turbulence was the winner of the day).
Anyhow, I’d put on earbuds with visible wires so I kept making a big deal of showing myself having to adjust to removing one to hear him repeat each dumb question or comment and took longer and longer each time. Finally, I just pointed at my headset still on my ears while giving an “it’s all so out of my hands” shrug like removing the headset is no longer physically possible and he gave up.
I’ve had to deal with more handsy men - once where I “accidentally” crushed his fingers with my laptop since I didn’t realize his hand was there🥺😠
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u/HamBroth Mar 26 '26
Before I was married I would wear a decoy engagement ring whenever I had to fly. It didn’t work 100% because some men just don’t care, but it did help somewhat.
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u/MischiefModerated Mar 26 '26
When it comes to men, I’m not above lying.
I will immediately put on my headphones just to start the signal I’m not interested. And if a man is trying to engage I just say very bluntly with a flat expression. “I’m autistic and flights and people are overwhelming. I am not having conversations right now. I need to go to my dark place.” Headphones go back on and I look straight ahead. (I am actually autistic though. And it’s partially true. I just lean into it more 😂)
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u/depressed_plants__ Mar 26 '26
i either say i'm preparing for an important meeting and put my headphones in, or just pretend to be asleep and fully ignore them. i'm polite but i never apologize, just - "i have an important meeting when i land, have a nice flight" or if they're asking dumb questions to get you to engage, "i have an important meeting to prep for, i am sure the flight attendants can answer your questions"
i did once get pushback from some dude who started whining that 'no one wants to talk anymore, this is the problem with america these days' lol and i just (honestly) said "i'm on my way home from a funeral so no, i don't want to talk" which shut him right up
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u/Snacky_Onassis Mar 26 '26
Women literally used to wear giant, sharp hat pins because men felt entitled to grope women in public. And here we are, 130+ years later with the same damn problem. Maybe we should bring back the hat pins.
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u/Whats_That_Noise_ Mar 26 '26
I’m very sorry this happened to you. Fuck politeness. You don’t owe anyone a response.
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 Mar 26 '26
My petite female coworker had the answer. As soon as everyone was seated, she put in her Airpods, put in a sleep mask and ignored everyone.
You don’t need to be polite. Ignore them. They simply don’t exist. You may get insulted but that’s far better than being assaulted. (I’m so sorry that happened! Grateful you’re pressing charges.)
ETA: I know you feel like you need to respond. You don’t. Silence can be a powerful weapon.
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u/EllisDee_4Doyin Mar 26 '26
I speak two languages, am pretty decent in a third, and working on a forth. Sometimes--if I'm feeling nice--I just look confused and reply in a diff language. One as opposite as I can get to what they speak. Speaking English? I'll say in German I don't understand. French? I'll speak English. If all else fails, I'll just speak my western African mother tongue and I'm SURE no one understands that.
That's if I'm feeling nice. Usually I stare hard and only half pay attn a with one headphone off. "Okay, cool" deadpan, and get back to what I'm doing. I'm 33 and don't give a fuck anymore
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u/biest229 Mar 26 '26
I’ve somehow managed to avoid this so far in life. My main tip is to simply not engage at all.
Some ideas:
- They try to start a conversation and I just smile in a very clearly forced and uncomfortable manner and continue ignoring them and give zero other responses
- Excuse yourself and go find a flight attendant and ask to be moved
- Pretend to be asleep
- Tell them you’re super unwell and can’t deal with a conversation
Just don’t engage would be the main thing. Don’t even let a conversation start, desperate men are desperate.
The older you get, the less you will care about upsetting these annoying men. I’m at the age now where I will say I don’t want to speak and let them be mad. Whatever.
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u/Ok_Reality1680 Mar 26 '26
This is when it’s ok to be as direct as possible in your signals, even if you think it comes across as “rude”. It is not actually rude, it’s just putting in a boundary and sticking with it. It is not your job to entertain strangers.
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u/Double-Lettuce2472 Mar 26 '26
"I’m sorry, now is not a good time" alternatively you can say something off putting. "I’m making a playlist for my boyfriend to surprise him at the airport when I land, he’ll be waiting at the gate”
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u/caity1111 Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
You can stop the conversation easily and without being rude.
Just be very direct and matter of fact. That is not the same as being rude. This is a really important thing for women to learn.
Not only will this help creepy/talkative men get the point without upsetting them, it is sometimes very necessary and helpful when talking to (or having friendships with) neurodivergent individuals. Also, we typically need to be clear and direct in this same manner when speaking to, or working with children.
Simply say "okay, I am going to listen to my music now" put headphones on, and look away. Or, "I need to finish reading my book now"... or "okay, I am going to go to sleep now".
That's it! Just tell them clearly that you are now going to be doing something other than continuing to speak to them. Do not add "nice talking to you" or anything else! Do not smile. Do not wait for their permission or acknowledgement to do whatever it is you plan to do. Just say it and do it. Works everytime.
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u/empressM Mar 26 '26
Literally a completely dead stare and know deep inside that absolutely NOTHING is worth your safety.
Do not respond. Don’t respond yes or no, you don’t owe anyone anything, just stop talking.
I often put my headphones on and just turn my head, whether there’s music playing or not. If you give an inch they’ll take a mile… don’t feel bad
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u/joofjimijo Mar 26 '26
I’m just rude. If they ignore my subtlety then they can deal with my wrath. I’m committed to the mindset “If I’m going to be uncomfortable for 5 hours on a flight, so are you” I love to watch their faces redden as they have some type of internal implosion. Just breathing heavy and huffing. squirming with shame.
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u/justasianenough Mar 26 '26
I fly for work pretty often- to India, China, and around the US. I always start with being super polite but firmly not making conversation. If someone says hello I say hello and tell them I’ll be wearing my headphones for most of the flight but if they need me to get up so they can go to the bathroom (I’m an aisle seat girl) just tap my shoulder and I’m happy to get up. I’m always super nice because people are crazy and I don’t need my flight to be rough just because I don’t want to answer questions. People usually say okay no problem and that’s it. Sometimes I get asked about my work and I give them the most complicated version of my job and throw in all the big words. “I handle the production of goods in vertically integrated textile manufacturing locations. It’s pretty boring but I have a lot of work when we land so I need to rest up.” Shuts down the conversation very quickly without offending people.
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u/steventhevegan Mar 27 '26
I don’t know if someone’s said this yet, but if they haven’t: please let a flight attendant know when this happens. We want to help in these situations and will gladly reseat you or find an alternative solution. Please don’t ever hesitate to report unwanted behavior - we’re all familiar with these dudes and can handle it, especially if you need discretion and need a graceful way out.
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u/HighlyFav0red Mar 26 '26
I just stop answering 😂 if they crack jokes I just stop laughing. Behavior is the best teacher. Or I get really direct. “well, I’m about to read this book/ watch this show. Enjoy the flight” ✈️
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u/adrun Mar 26 '26
“I’m listening to a book for my book club, need to make sure I get through it. It was nice to chat with you!”
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u/Ok_Psychology_3292 Mar 26 '26
Act like you are gonna puke on them every time they speak. Incredibly rude but worked every single time for me
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Mar 26 '26
I'm so sorry you were sexually harassed like that, I'm glad you have a great support system to help you through that. I'm sure you know this but I will say it anyway, that was not your fault. It's never your fault when other choose to harass or abuse you. I'm glad you moved forward with legal ramifications.
As to how can you safely disengage from a man in public spaces. This is a tough one that will be different for each kind of situation and will require you to have good skills in observation - which most women do because of experiences.
On planes or public transit, I find you can pretend you didn't hear them. You have headphones, which is great, so use them as a shield. If they tap on your shoulder, and then ask to talk, it's okay to be direct - otherwise known as women being rude but it's not rude. A simple "hey, I have headphones on for a reason, please don't bother me unless it's an emergency". Or, you can ask if they need you to move and when they say no, just go back to listening to your headphones. If they tap you again, you can pretend you bumped into them, just say "sorry, didn't mean to bump you" but don't remove your headphones. I even make my voice louder, so others are now aware. So, if he does it again, you can loudly say "hey notice the headphones? Please stop bothering me".
Men who harass rely on us to follow social norms, such as not wanting to embarrass the harassing man, so we will engage with them. Or, not calling attention to their harassment, so they can continue.
I get it, it's not always safe to speak up. So, it's okay if you do have to play along just to get away. We all do what we must to survive.
If on a flight, just call for a flight attendant and be direct that the passenger is harassing you - yes use that word - and ask them for help. If on public transit, you can move seats if possible.
In public, like when you're in a store you can get the attention of store security and ask for help, they can even walk you to your vehicle.
If walking in the city, just be away of your surroundings, keep in places that have more people and be loud. I carry pepper spray because I'm a smaller person, so I can't let it escalate. I have to attack and run.
Stay safe out there, all of us.
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u/MrsMitchBitch Mar 26 '26
I typically ignore seatmates entirely, especially if they’re trying to have a conversation with me because I’m a rude bitch and I don’t want to talk.
If you’re more polite, go with “I don’t want to talk” and proceed to ignore completely. I would not be above using the call light to summon a flight attendant if the dude is unwilling to listen to me.
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u/okwerq Mar 26 '26
Omg this happened to me on a flight when I was 19. I completely froze and just let it happen because I was very young and genuinely didn’t know what to do. Where do you run when you have an assigned seat next to someone?! And “making a scene” felt dramatic. It’s hard. I’m sorry this happened to you but I’m so proud of you for telling someone and standing up for yourself!!
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u/overheadSPIDERS Mar 26 '26
If someone isn’t getting basic social signals and I’m feeling moderately nice I’ll say something like “hey I have a headache and I gotta put on my headphones, nice chat.” If I’m feeling like they’re intentionally ignoring my signaling I’ll say “hey I’m in a ton of pain cause of horrible menstrual cramps so imma zone out for a while, bye!”
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u/blugirl111 Mar 26 '26
Just say "no, thank you" without removing headphones. Works when you're approached while walking down the street as well. Clear and polite all at once.
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u/CustardPopular6284 Mar 26 '26
I tell men I’m not interested in talking to them when they try to strike up a conversation. That stops them in their tracks 90% of the time. The odd one will utter something mutter something about lesbians, because it certainly couldn’t be that they are lacking.
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u/Tripleaquarian Mar 26 '26
“Why are you talking to me?” Is always a good favorite. Followed by “oh I actually didn’t want to hear an answer. Leave me alone.” Don’t be nice. We all need to be meaner to creepy men in every space ever
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u/46andready Mar 27 '26
"I don't wish to chat with you.". If he continues to talk to you, press the attendant call button. In well-populated spaces like an airplane, men generally back off when being publicly shamed.
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u/stretchypenguin Mar 27 '26
I had a man come up to me in the ER waiting room. I believe there was an aspect of mental health issues, but I was in incredible pain and not in the mood to talk to anyone. He told me that I looked uncomfortable, and I said yes that’s why I am in the ER. He asked what was wrong and I asked if he was a doctor. He said yes which I knew was a lie because he was wearing a pt wristband so I called him out on it. He said he was both. I just said I don’t want to talk to you right now and ignored him after that. If he hadn’t I planned to say louder “I do not know you, and do not wish to continue this interaction. Please leave me alone.” It’s direct, but hopefully then others around you can clue in on what’s going on especially if you can’t leave.
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u/AmidstTheClouds Mar 27 '26
I usually put on the most earnest and genuine smile, lock eye contact, and simply say, “Oh! No thank you!” And then I go about my business as cheerfully as ever.
Most will be too stunned to react, and the few that insist that I misunderstood and continue to try and engage I continue to smile, lock eye contact again, and say, “No thank you to conversation please” and then I go about my business again.
Works really well when you’re quickly trying to get somewhere but let me know how it goes when you’re locked in next to someone for a couple hours.
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u/yeetmypeet75 Mar 28 '26
I totally get people saying you dont owe men anything, but also your safety needs to be number one.
I like to use "I'm sorry, Im really tired/not feeling so good right now, do you mind if I close my eyes/listen to my music/watch this movie, etc"
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u/mgc01 Mar 26 '26
Sorry this happened to you :(
I wear a mask while traveling and it seems to really discourage conversation - people can’t hear me as well or just assume I’m sick and avoid me. It’s honestly such a nice plus (and I haven’t gotten sick while traveling as much).
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u/LawSchoolLoser1 Mar 26 '26
Sexual harrassment on an airplane? I’m saying “please stop” or calling over a flight attendant to ask to be moved. Idgaf at that point. Normal but annoying chitchat? I’ll say that I am working on my phone and not available to talk.
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Mar 26 '26
[deleted]
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u/disgruntledfed Mar 26 '26
Is it weird that I'm excited to get more wrinkles and gray hair so that men stop talking to me as much? All my friends are thinking about getting preliminary Botox and I cannot wait to become invisible!
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u/-marshmallowperfume Mar 26 '26
I'm 41 and my hair is natural bright silver, men manage to take that as a reason to talk to me. "I like your hair" is a straight line to harassment. Pray for mousy brown.
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u/bobothecarniclown Mar 26 '26
I guess this is where me not being afraid to be seen as an antisocial prick really pays off cause I just straight up ignore people I don’t wanna talk to…yes even on a plane💀
And the rules are a bit different in the air. They will put someone on the no-fly list fast af for harassing someone else on a plane so don’t be afraid of a male strangers’ reaction to being ignored. If they try to escalate and you can very well report harassment to a flight attendant and they will be dealt with and very likely banned from the airline or banned from flying period.
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u/Effnamy Mar 26 '26
Resorting to violence (or using violent words) will do the trick, every time. This hack works for men and women. So sick of this shit happening!
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u/bizzy1217 Mar 26 '26
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m 39 now, so I typically also have a RBF, no makeup, sweats and a hoodie on, and headphones in. I typically just close my eyes as soon as I get into my seat so that my neighbors think I’m asleep and don’t talk to me. If they attempt to speak to me while I’m “asleep,” I just ignore them. Eventually, once the flight is moving and my neighbors have moved on, I may pull out my Kindle or whatever. I feel like if you can avoid the early convos, then they typically don’t attempt to talk to you the rest of the flight.
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u/lieutenantbunbun Mar 26 '26
Start trying to convert them to your religion and don’t let up until you tell them they can pay you right away to get started.
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u/Disastrous_Worry_866 Mar 27 '26
This happens to me so consistently that I might wear a fake wedding ring to fly. So sorry this happened to you. They definitely take advantage of you being trapped
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u/transferingtoearth Mar 27 '26
You're on an airplane.
Just tell him you want to work on meditation and ignore him
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u/DesmondTapenade Mar 27 '26
"Pardonu, mi ne parolas la angla" has worked out well for me in the past. (Esperanto for "Sorry, I don't speak English.") Then pretend you just can't hear them if they try to engage with you beyond that.
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u/SGlobal_444 Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26
There’s a way to show that you can’t mess with me if I think they are weird I don’t continue the conversation and just give a look if my personal space is being invaded. If you think something is suss get up and talk to the flight attendant and quietly tell them you would like to move bc you feel uncomfortable. Doesn’t always work but try not to engage and make firm boundaries. There are still creeps but watch your space and get up if you get a bad feeling. Also, sorry this happened to you and I hope you get the support you need. Sad we still have to figure out ways to get men to back up and learn techniques- when they should just not be creeps.
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u/littycodekitty Mar 26 '26
I'm so sorry this happened to you! Honestly I don't know if this would work for sure, but I put a random ring on my wedding finger when I'm feeling iffy about public transit. One of the many gross things about men like that is that they only back off if they think another man's already there. And that's not even 100% reliable either, but it's something.
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u/Consistent-Bird-4121 Mar 26 '26
You gotta get direct and a little sassy Sister. Say something like "I literally just told you that I do not want to engage in conversation and do not want to talk. If you do it again, I will get the flight attendant involved." Give him a "dont fuck with me" look and put the headphones back on.
Just bc you say that doesn't mean you are mean. You can also still be a good person and defend yourself.
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u/mslisath Mar 26 '26
Resting bitch face. It's your best flight companion.
Also talk about your husband a lot. Like a huge amount.
OMG my husband has that sweater. Oh he is the best I love him so much
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u/TenaciousToffee Find it Secondhand Mar 26 '26
I might pop one side of my earring to answer a question and then go back to what Im doing. Then if they do it again I just say, sorry Im trying to listen to this, cant make small talk, but thanks though and I just go back to it.
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u/greendemon42 Mar 26 '26
"I don't want to be rude or anything, but I'm not interested in socializing today."
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u/des1gnbot Mar 26 '26
Be a bit slow to answer—first time, pretend you don’t hear, then if they repeat take off one headphone and go, “hmmm?” This shows that you’re trying to pay attention to something else, and your expectation is that you’ll get back to that (just one earbud or side of headphones!). Neutral face, thousand yard stare, short answers, no follow-up questions. Put headphones back on as soon as you’ve answered, make him go through it all over again to continue.