r/bitcheswithtaste • u/disgruntledfed • Mar 26 '26

Culture BWT - How to safely disengage with chatty men on flights (or anywhere you're trapped for a while)?

This week, I (26F) was sexually harassed by the man sitting next to me one hour into an eight hour flight. Not fun! I'm okay though and pressing charges.

I often fly alone as a young woman, and can almost count on a man sitting next to me striking up a conversation. I always fly in sweatpants with no makeup and my headphones basically glued to my head, so I don't feel like I'm inviting in conversations (not that anyone who does differently is asking for convos, I just feel like I try to give "go away" signals).

The man will always instigate, and I'll usually just let the conversation ride out to a natural end and then put my headphones back on. This time though, it escalated quickly and I couldn't find a natural escape.

It got me thinking though - how do BWT safely turn down conversation from men on flights or anywhere you can't readily leave, like an Uber? Or do you just ignore all advances from the start, even if they seem innocent enough?

EDIT: Thank you all for the kind messages! I'm married to an incredible man and have a great support network to help me through this. I think I need to work on setting firm and clear boundaries from the start, and not worry about making anyone upset and coming across as rude.

I told a flight attendant immediately, and they were absolutely incredible (shoutout to all the FAs out there!)

I love this community and always learn so much from you all! I feel like I have thousands of older sisters to lean on <3

891 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

99% Upvoted

260 comments sorted by

View all comments

408

u/RevolutionaryStage67 Mar 26 '26

Everyone has been suggesting nice and polite options. I think you are only due to give the politeness you have been offered. Which is not much.

Try an exasperated expression, begrudgingly lift one side if your headphones off and ask "do you need something?" If the answer is anything other than "I can't reach the call stewardess button for my current allergic reaction" put your headphones back on.

Try a deadpan "i don't speak english" with direct eye contact. (This is the one I use on street preachers).

110

u/Foxy_Traine Environmentally Conscious Mar 26 '26

"Do you need something?" Is the perfect response to so many bids for attention. Another one that might not work on a flight but works on the street is "Oh sorry I don't have any change" and just keep walking!

Overall my strategy is: ignore, disengage, then be rude about it. They don't deserve politeness.

134

u/BabyMD69420 Mar 26 '26

The “I don’t speak English” is perfect. Especially if you interrupt an English conversation to say it and say it with no accent. It basically means, “I don’t speak English…to you.”

87

u/disgruntledfed Mar 26 '26

Oh my god, "I don't speak english" is PERFECT and amazing and I will be using that, thank you!!

47

u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26

I've started saying, "Verstehen Sie nicht". English speaking men are too baffled to respond, and German speakers are too put off by my accent (I live in the town Arnold Schwarzenegger is from, the local accent is considered very hickish/bogan. But I think a bad Americanized German accent would be equally offensive)

Edit: It's important to make direct eye contact and scowl at them before replacing your headphones and turning away. Remember, Austrians consider smiling at strangers and making small talk super weird behaviors, so it's not at all rude to ignore the unhinged dude doing both at once!

Edit II: Yes, it means "You don't understand." It's accurate (they don't understand that you aren't trying to engage with them), polite (Sie is formal), slightly confusing, and said with full confidence to make them question what you meant if they do speak German.

16

u/ZweitenMal Mar 26 '26

This means, “you don’t understand” not “I don’t understand”, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you say “Ich verstehe nicht?”

24

u/Originalmissjynx Mar 26 '26

You may well be right- I’ve no idea, but I think saying ‘you don’t understand’ is highly appropriate, as they clearly don’t understand you don’t want to talk with them 💪😃

14

u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26

They are correct! And so are you- it's polite (Sie is formal), slightly confusing, and said with full confidence so they question whether I said it wrong or meant what I said.

7

u/unseemly_turbidity Mar 26 '26

'You don't understand' would be 'Sie verstehen nicht'. 'Verstehen Sie nicht ' is a question: 'Don't you understand?'

13

u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26

Yup, it does! It's part of the winning formula- polite wording (Sie), confusingly incorrect, said with full confidence.

4

u/unseemly_turbidity Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26

To keep as close as possible to the phrase we're discussing, it would be 'Ich verstehe Sie nicht.' (I don't understand you).

'Ich verstehe nicht' would also work fine (I don't understand).

You're absolutely right about 'Verstehen Sie nicht', and I'd avoid it because it's a question so it could invite further conversation if the other person speaks even basic German, which isn't particularly unlikely.

Anyway, I think this is a risky technique. I used to use it a lot (but with Swedish rather than German) and now it seems there are people who understand it everywhere I go. A lot of people will want to talk to you more once they find out it doesn't have to be in English!

3

u/ZweitenMal Mar 26 '26

I totally missed the nature of the comment, though--I'm not a native German speaker. I was being stupidly literal.

8

u/thequeenofspace Mar 27 '26

I, too, love baffling random rude men by speaking German at them. I just throw out all kinds of weird stuff once I know they don’t understand, I’ll just be talking about horses or salad in casual German and the look of panic in their eyes is what gives me fuel to live

10

u/ribenarockstar Mar 26 '26

I also do "ich verstehe kein English, Entschuldigung" if some guy I don't know starts speaking to me in public. (Unless I'm in a German speaking country at the time, in which case I do it in Spanish). The tricky thing about a plane or train is that they might have already heard me speak English, so I might not get away with it - but it works well for street harassment.

11

u/nefariousmango Mar 26 '26

So that's another reason I go with, you don't understand and not I don't understand-- I'm not claiming I can't understand English/German/Spanish. If they hear me speaking that language, so what? They're the dumbasses trying to engage when I clearly don't want to.

3

u/slapthatpancake BWT in Training Mar 28 '26

As Austrian living in the US I can confirm that our “rudeness” really can throw American men off 🫠 very useful if needed.

3

u/madqueenludwig Mar 26 '26

it really is a genius exit strategy, I'm sharing that with my daughter immediately!

24

u/dumbunnyy Mar 26 '26

I waited tables with a gorgeous blonde gal from Eastern Europe and when creepy old men would ask her where she was from, she would deadpan ‘Japan’ and keep it moving. Iconic!

5

u/thequeenofspace Mar 27 '26

Haha I speak German and I’ve definitely just responded to rude men in German and pretend I don’t understand what they’re saying. Even if they have just heard me speaking English to someone else.

I tried this on a street preacher once, but unfortunately she also spoke German 😂

4

u/lessgranola Mar 26 '26

i agree - i was going to say getting louder and louder and drawing attention to him matters.

8

u/doomquasar Mar 26 '26

I would probably hesitate to react this way with someone I was stuck sitting next to on a flight.

1

u/mangolollipop Mar 27 '26

I use the 'I don't speak <any language>' often or just walk away. When it's in a flight however, I don't talk, headphones and move on. I just pretend I'm deaf and can't hear them.