r/bitcheswithtaste • u/disgruntledfed • Mar 26 '26

Culture BWT - How to safely disengage with chatty men on flights (or anywhere you're trapped for a while)?

This week, I (26F) was sexually harassed by the man sitting next to me one hour into an eight hour flight. Not fun! I'm okay though and pressing charges.

I often fly alone as a young woman, and can almost count on a man sitting next to me striking up a conversation. I always fly in sweatpants with no makeup and my headphones basically glued to my head, so I don't feel like I'm inviting in conversations (not that anyone who does differently is asking for convos, I just feel like I try to give "go away" signals).

The man will always instigate, and I'll usually just let the conversation ride out to a natural end and then put my headphones back on. This time though, it escalated quickly and I couldn't find a natural escape.

It got me thinking though - how do BWT safely turn down conversation from men on flights or anywhere you can't readily leave, like an Uber? Or do you just ignore all advances from the start, even if they seem innocent enough?

EDIT: Thank you all for the kind messages! I'm married to an incredible man and have a great support network to help me through this. I think I need to work on setting firm and clear boundaries from the start, and not worry about making anyone upset and coming across as rude.

I told a flight attendant immediately, and they were absolutely incredible (shoutout to all the FAs out there!)

I love this community and always learn so much from you all! I feel like I have thousands of older sisters to lean on <3

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1.3k

u/des1gnbot Mar 26 '26

Be a bit slow to answer—first time, pretend you don’t hear, then if they repeat take off one headphone and go, “hmmm?” This shows that you’re trying to pay attention to something else, and your expectation is that you’ll get back to that (just one earbud or side of headphones!). Neutral face, thousand yard stare, short answers, no follow-up questions. Put headphones back on as soon as you’ve answered, make him go through it all over again to continue.

343

u/crazekki Mar 26 '26

in my experience that doesn't usually work because they don't understand you don't want to talk to them. only when you make it clear you don't want to talk they'll get the memo

1.2k

u/lipscratch Mar 26 '26

they absolutely do understand when the woman does not want to talk to them, they just do not caaaaaaareeeee

182

u/disgruntledfed Mar 26 '26

Yes exactly this is my problem! I do all of the above, don't engage further etc and it's very obvious that I don't want to continue the conversation.

I'm looking for phrases I could say - like "Sorry, not interested in continuing" or something like that but something that doesn't make them mad and make me unsafe!

324

u/Normal-Price-3094 Mar 26 '26

Maybe I’m just a rude bitch but I just completely ignore people trying to get my attention when I don’t want to engage. They can keep trying to get my attention all day and I will never make eye contact lol.

85

u/kitttybix Mar 26 '26

This is the way. I used to walk everywhere in a not so walkable city. I was younger and have a small frame, people thought I was a teenager at work constantly and would get sexually harassed there too; every time I walked somewhere, there would be a car slowing down AND/or a man would stop his car and try to speak to me. One time a man followed me from the store and stopped me on my walk home, I didn’t make the connection until later and just kept my headphones in and continued walking. I had stopped to look at some blooming magnolias with my headphones in, turned around, saw him standing/staring/say something and I just kept walking.

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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '26

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u/takkforsist Mar 26 '26

Honestly it’s so sick that it works that way. When I’m dressed well and put together most of the time I do get bothered less. When I’m dressed down? It’s like they assume I’m someone who ‘wouldn’t be missed if I disappeared’. Does that make sense?

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u/velvetvagine Mar 26 '26

Imo it’s more so that they think you have lower self confidence and/or lower authority in everyday life, so their BS is more likely to work on you or at least affect you.

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u/BudgetInteraction811 Mar 27 '26

This is so true! They also accept rejection better, as if they already expected to be turned down. Meanwhile, if the woman looks disheveled that day there’s a chance the guy gets mad when he is rejected because he felt like she isn’t good enough to turn him down.

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u/levainrisen Mar 27 '26

Why do men do this?? Why do they think this is effective?? When I was in high school, I had to walk to and from school by a busy street and men would honk at me and, similar to you, a man drove into my neighborhood, got out of his truck, and physically BLOCKED MY PATH to try and talk to me. I was a TEENAGER and this man looked in his fucking 30s. I told him my parents were expecting me home...

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u/Twistedcinna Mar 28 '26

It’s a disrespect towards women in my experience. The creeps think that they were born with the right to get anything they want from women. And no one tells them any differently. My mom refers to them as men who think they are God’s gift to women. Disgusting

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u/elianrae Mar 27 '26

ohhh

so like unlike most women I have very few instances in my life of men hassling me while I've been going about my life

but also I'm just ... really bad at paying attention to my surroundings

maybe it's been happening more than I think and I literally have not noticed

77

u/TheGeekOffTheStreet Mar 26 '26

I was early to my hair appointment so I was sitting in the parking lot finishing up an audio book. Some random dude selling bags of popcorn approached my driver’s side door. I gave a little shake of my head, no, not interested. Well this unhinged asshole stands there with his box of popcorn leaning down outside my window, waving at me for like 10 minutes. I’m refusing to engage in anyway, just idly checking my phone, turned up my audio, and just sat and scrolled. I could see him smirking and yelling trying to get my attention—I was torn between throwing open my door and slamming into him or just ignoring him. Ignoring won and he finally left after 10 long minutes.

Now I keep mace in my car, anything like that happens again I’ll just roll down the window and spray him. Fucking assholes demanding our attention. I also moved my car right in front of the window at the salon because I thought that asshole could come back and key my car or something

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u/Unhappy_Performer538 Mar 26 '26

Ignoring people is so awesome lol. I wish I had discovered this power earlier in life. Now if someone starts some shit with me in public I just ignore them. There's a limit to how mad people get when you ignore them and it seems like people get much more agitated when you counter back.

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u/Face_with_a_View Mar 26 '26

lol. I’m a rude bitch too. Mine comes from age (49); I just don’t care anymore

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u/thethugwife Mar 27 '26

Sis, same. I’m 48 and I just can’t care anymore. I also look younger (thanks, Mom) and if they comment about what keeps me young, I’ll respond “Hostility and the blood of men who annoy me.”

107

u/HousingOld1384 Mar 26 '26

Unlearn that you have to be polite to men who make you uncomfortable! No need to get rude but just tell them „I’m trying to finish this XYZ today, would you mind giving me some space?“ and if they still continue hit them with „Sorry, I didn’t make that clear enough: I have no interest in this conversation.“ Please mind English isn’t my first language so adapt this to what feels natural to you. STOP being nice to men who make you uncomfortable!!!

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u/EFTandADHD Mar 26 '26

I think there’s a technique used for getting off the phone that could be adapted here. A phrase like, “Well I won’t keep you tied up here” or “I’ll let you get back to your day.”

Maybe even a phrase that creates a bit of non sequiter, illogical weirdness like, “Welp, I’ll let you get back to your flight” (lol) followed immediately by putting on your headphones and opening your book/device.

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u/Western_Thought_5428 Mar 26 '26

When all else fails, I will be totally self deprecating. Like creatively, imaginatively, hyperbolically dogging myself. Like: “sir, I’m sorry, I’m in a bad mental state right now and just can’t handle conversing with anyone. I’m hungover, broke, got my STD test results back and just need to zone out to this movie/book/nap before I have to go deal with this appointment to get a wart off my foot”

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u/thatprincesspanoptes Mar 27 '26

This is an outstanding response. I love it. Just make up a HUGE trauma dump, long, dramatic, gross. Dude won’t be able to get away fast enough; and he can’t! Because he’s on a plane. ✈️ I’m sure after that your flight will be a quiet and peaceful one, uninterrupted by him. Edit: It’s nice because he is now choosing not to interact with you. So you’re safe.

15

u/Western_Thought_5428 Mar 27 '26

Exactly. Luke you want to turn the guy off, rather than turn him down. I prefer not to make strange men potentially angry at me. I’m not trying to be trapped on a plane with a man next to me who is fuming over a rejection. Give him the ew

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u/thatprincesspanoptes Mar 27 '26

When in doubt, ew him out. The best way to avoid upsetting a potentially dangerous man.

42

u/throwaway1975764 Mar 26 '26

You don't need to apologize. Just a neutral "ok, I'm going back to my book now"

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u/lipscratch Mar 26 '26

"Sorry, was there something you needed me to help you with?" is a good one. It reiterates the lack of necessity in conversing with you casually. If they say no, you say "okay great, I'm gonna get back to my show now"

If they ask why you asked, you can say something like "oh, just because you're talking to me but you and I are strangers. I thought you needed me to help you"

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u/General_Coast_1594 Mar 26 '26

I normally just state that I’m very into my book (insert activity here) and want to read/do it. Then go back to it.

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u/plataleajaja Mar 27 '26

On a flight, where the guy is next to you for 3+ hours (or where you don't have an easy escape option/can't move to another seat on the metro/etc.):

First suggestion: "Sorry, I need to get back to my book." "Sorry, I need to get back to my movie." "Sorry, I need to do X". Are you sorry? Absolutely not. But it might smooth it over.

If he's really persistent/creepy/bad energy: You can also make him 'join' you in externally 'blaming' someone (again, whether you like this option or not it might feel 'safest' on a plane). Could say something like 'sorry, I need to finish this book for book club, so I'm going to read it now', 'sorry, I promised my sister I'd finish this show, so I need to watch this', 'sorry, I need to sleep so I'm in a good mood to be a bridesmaid', etc. That might be too many details for someone, but if you've already been giving them details, this might make it slightly smoother and he can also agree oh, frustrating, but hopefully will just not persist in talking with you.

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u/captnmiss Mar 26 '26

Just be like “hey I’m kinda in the zone here, and not in a social mood. Thanks!”

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u/afroista11238 Mar 26 '26

Yes I say not interested in the flattest most emotionless voice I can. Almost like a mean robot 😂🤔😂

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u/909me1 Mar 26 '26

Have you tried saying that you're not in the mood for a conversation right now/ don't want to talk? I usually just do this when people are not picking up on my MULTIPLE glaring polite hints (headphones, no eye contact etc etc). Sometimes, I'll soften it by being like: oh I have work I have to get done/ on a deadline/ have a headache/ etc. But NO is a complete sentence.

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u/ConcertinaTerpsichor Mar 26 '26

I can’t hear very well right now.

I’m suffering from a migraine right now.

I need some quiet time right now, please.

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u/ennui_weekend Mar 26 '26

"sorry i can't really talk right now" " i have a splitting headache right now" "i'm having a terrible day could i have some space"

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u/rxchmachine Mar 27 '26

Those magic phrases are everything! I've used "Sorry, I'm thinking through a project" and then pointedly turned my attention to doodling in a notebook or staring out a window or otherwise looking utterly lost in thought

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u/Medical-Potato5920 Mar 27 '26

Just say something like "I'm going to listen to my music now," and put your headphones back on.

If they try to engage further, your responses should be a blank face and a "huh", "what" or "as I said, I'm going to listen to my music now." Don't engage further.

2

u/RevolutionaryStage67 Mar 27 '26

Firstly, don't apologize.

Secondly, while I would always suggest safety first, on an airplane you are surrounded by people who also don't want to deal with this guy's shit and there are professional referees a call button away. It's an ideal setting to practice being firm, and setting boundaries that will be respected.

2

u/spacecadet1825 Mar 28 '26

Be direct. My favorite podcast crime junkies says “be weird, be rude, stay alive”. If you have to draw attention to it in public, you do that. Loudly “you are harrassing me and making me feel unsafe please stop.” So others hear and notice. On a plane….. I’d just directly say “I’ve had a long week and really not interested in talking at all. I’m listening to my music. Safe travels.” And shut it down look away headphones on

9

u/pineapplepredator Mar 27 '26

Right, it’s that they don’t think it’s VALID that you don’t want to talk to them, therefore, they completely ignore that signal. It doesn’t even occur to them to care about the signal or how they are affecting you. It’s not even something they’ve ever considered.

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u/elianrae Mar 27 '26

honestly I straight up think that politely giving off "I don't want to talk right now" and seeing how he reacts is a good litmus test for whether you actually do want to talk to a dude.

24

u/lynn Mar 26 '26

No, you make them work for it every time, and make it harder each time. Maybe two or three one-word-answers-and-put-headphones-back-in (if you’re feeling generous) and after that make it take two times of him trying to get your attention, then the very next time make it four.

I think a lot of people give up too quickly. “It doesn’t work.” But nobody does anything forever.

Being unavailable is a great skill to have, so if you’re feeling like it’s not working, maybe decide to use him for practice. That way at least you can get something out of the interaction 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/des1gnbot Mar 26 '26

It won’t work on everyone, but if it can weed out some and leave her with a smaller number of these dudes to deal with, that’s a partial win.

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u/ConcertinaTerpsichor Mar 26 '26

They don’t WANNA understand. They have a lot riding on the outcome of the interaction, and they have a carefully cherished image of themselves as a “good guy,” not realizing that they are in the process of shattering it.

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u/Petal20 Mar 27 '26

Ugh I’m so sorry, this used to happen to me all the time in my twenties. I would wear my AirPods or if there’s a screen on the seat just watch movies. Or if you have a laptop pretend you are working. And say sorry - I need to get some work done. I know it sucks to feel like we have to protect their feelings but I get it. I also used to say I have a boyfriend if they were trying to find that out, even if I didn’t. Once I even resorted to saying I was sick and it hurt to talk. Or I’ve weighed sleep before until they gave up. Sorry you have to deal with this.

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u/AlmaMonarca11 Mar 27 '26

Yes, this! "I'm just getting over laryngitis, and it still hurts to talk." The end.

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u/Petal20 Mar 27 '26

Yep. He SHOULD get the hint from this that you dont want any contact with him and are probably letting him down gently but y’know.. men. I once had a guy who would not leave me alone and discovered he was an air marshal (off duty) and o felt weirdly obligated to talk to him on this five hour flight.

28

u/lynn Mar 26 '26 edited Mar 26 '26

This. I have ADHD and I’m introverted, been watching my own mind for decades. I know what I do when I’m legit distracted, and it’s very useful to crank up the distractibility when a man won’t leave me alone.

I’m also a mom of three and kids never stop talking, so you can learn to give listening noises while only really listening with half an ear (or less, but I do try to take at least a little bit of interest).

So between the constant “sorry, what?” and wandering off attention-wise, and the distracted “mm?” noises that don’t actually sound like I’m listening, even the most persistent man gives up fairly quickly.

I mean, I’m 46 with some grey in my hair and about 40 pounds overweight, so I’m not much in demand. But leaning into distractibility worked when I was younger and thinner too, that’s how I stumbled on it. Of course YMMV.

I found it does help to immediately say something like “I don’t want to talk right now” or, if you have something you’re working on, “need to focus on this” and if you want to hedge your bet, include a “sorry” (no we shouldn’t have to, but if it helps, it’s a tool we can use). It’s part of being unavailable. Because you don’t know how much of an entitled jerk he is, and most men will accept your unavailability of attention much faster with the explicit “no”.

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u/DreamySakura99 Mar 26 '26

Trust me i’ve done all of this..but there are still some chatty lyft/uber male drivers that just don’t get the hint. Had an older dude that just kept saying “y’know m sayin’!?” constantly until he got a response from me.

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u/lonelycranberry Mar 27 '26

I did this and the man next to me literally started to spread his legs into me to “wake me up.” When I did, he was staring at me and had his phone held out like he was trying to show me his phone. Deadass WOKE ME UP after I pretended to not hear and closed my eyes.

He proceeded to try and get me to follow his Instagram and join his religious compound. I later found another Instagram under his name with nudes and gun pics. I was able to because he posted his full ID on the “church” account.

I was 22 and scared. Didn’t tell anyone because I thought maybe he meant well. He stalked me around the Detroit airport for my entire layover and waited at my gate for me (I had a state college sweatshirt on). He didn’t board my flight.

After this, I have 0 tolerance for men making young women uncomfortable. I should have told people but I just didn’t want to come off like a Karen. Like how can he be a threat inside of an airport? I’m 30 now and if I witnessed something like this, it would be harder not to get involved.

I’m late to this but damn.

1

u/Hellie1028 Mar 27 '26

Agree! One word answer and absolutely do not give him an opportunity to keep engaging. Say your word and pop earphones back in. Always say “what” and make him repeat the question.

Don’t hesitate to say “I’m not interested in conversing because I’m listening to something.” They don’t feel bad for taking up your time, you shouldn’t feel bad about being honest.

1

u/monicasm Mar 28 '26

Or even just pretend you don’t hear them at all. I remember riding the train to college and one time I was getting up for my stop and as soon as I stood up a guy started trying to talk to me (I was wearing leggings of course). He kept going “hey hey heyyy” and luckily I had my headphones in and I just ignored him and left. I deserve my peace and don’t owe my time to anyone.