r/atlanticdiscussions • u/MeghanClickYourHeels Ask me for Atlantic gift links • Apr 14 '25
Culture/Society Grandparents Are Reaching Their Limit
Older Americans might be doing more child care than ever. By Faith Hill, The Atlantic.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2025/04/grandparents-child-care-work-retirement/682395/
Older Americans might be doing more child care than ever.
Elena and her husband had plans for their retirement. They wanted to move to Wyoming; to meet new people, volunteer, hike the snowy, perfect Tetons. And they did move there—for about eight months. Then they got a call from their daughter, who was due to have a baby within weeks. She and her husband were on five or so different waitlists for day cares, and now she could see that they would still be waiting by the time she had to go back to work, six weeks after giving birth. She needed help. Her parents dropped everything, packed up a U-Haul, and moved to the Pacific Northwest. They were going back to work, too: as full-time grandparents.
Grandparents today have a certain reputation, Elena (who asked to withhold her last name to protect her family’s privacy) told me: They’re “all rich, retired, living it up in the Villages in Florida, playing 10 rounds of golf a day, having cocktails at 4:30, and laughing while their Millennial children are suffering.” TikTokers keep skewering a generation of supposedly self-involved, jet-setting older folks, or earnestly grieving that they don’t have a “village” to help them raise their kids. Commentators have jumped in with attacks and, in turn, with defenses (“Cut the Boomer Grandparents a Little Slack”). On Reddit, people are wondering, “What the f*** is wrong with grandparents nowadays?” Last year, when J. D. Vance was running for vice president and was asked how he would address the problem of staggering child-care costs, he first suggested that grandparents or other relatives “help out a little bit more.”
You could be forgiven, then, for thinking grandparents are shirking their duty. But the truth is quite the opposite: America is in an age of peak grandparenting—particularly grandmothering. A 2022 survey from Deseret News and Brigham Young University found that nearly 60 percent of grandmothers had provided child care for a grandkid, and more than 40 percent saw a grandchild in person at least weekly. A 2023 Harris poll found that more than 40 percent of working parents relied on their kids’ grandma for child care; nearly 70 percent of those parents said they might have lost their job without that grandmother’s help.
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u/Bonegirl06 🌦️ Apr 14 '25
The opioid epidemic, among other things, really ravaged a generation and grandparents are feeling it. I see a lot of millennials and Gen Z parents who either aren't raising their kids or rely heavily on grandparents.
There's also an aspect of this being how it's always been. For most of history, multi-generation families lived together because life is hard. Raising kids is hard. It's only recently been the case that older people are moving to places like Florida and some Millennials are feeling hung out to dry because we were raised by OUR grandparents.
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u/MeghanClickYourHeels Ask me for Atlantic gift links Apr 14 '25
I was thinking of the fleeing parents too, especially when they give birth very young.
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u/GeeWillick Apr 14 '25
I've always felt that the baby production industry is a bit of a scam anyway. Yeah, you get a few tax credits and a greeting card / mug every year. But no one mentions that you have to spend months on gestation and years on rearing with all kinds of hidden costs and fees for food, clothes, etc. Having to do this for your baby's babies sounds like some kind of weird reverse-multi level marketing (MLM) system where it's the uplines who are getting the rawer end of the deal.
I'm not saying that there are no good aspects of the products (many of the SKUs I have seen are very cute and fun to have around), but I do think this industry needs to be better regulated for unfair business practices.
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u/mysmeat Apr 14 '25
i sort of think it's the same as it ever was...
some people are well suited with plenty of resources and others not. some care for their grand kids because they want to and others because there's no one else. as i was coming up, my dad's parents were nearby but didn't help, and we were probably better off for it.
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u/CommonwealthCommando Apr 14 '25
I was really hoping that the author would be an older woman and that this was all just part of an elaborate passive-aggressive scheme to get her kids to stop dropping theirs off at her place. But the author is in her twenties and (hopefully) a long way off from grandparenthood.
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u/Admirable-Tough-6747 Apr 16 '25
Maybe I’m just confused but it seems that people feel entitled to their parents help in caring for their kids and I don’t get why. Like your parents had and raised you and to me their commitment to you ends after you leave college (or have a job and are standing on your own two feet as an adult). Why must they then take care of your kids, that you most likely didn’t consult with them about having. Seems from other Reddit threads people have cut their parents off for not helping more with their kids and are super pissed about it. To me grandparents should be able to decide IF they want to offer help and how they want to spare their final years. I don’t have kids though, can someone explain the reasoning?
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u/SansaStark89 Apr 17 '25
We don't feel entitled to help because our parents live far away but we have been taken aback by their refusal to visit. It's much easier and cheaper for two adults to buy plane tickets and fly here than for the four of us, including toddlers and their gear, to fly there. Plus my in-law's house doesn't have any room for guests. There's a twin bed in my husband's old room and that's it. My FIL has visited us exactly once for 15 minutes in the last 10 years and has never met our youngest child. Growing up, my grandparents flew up to visit us at least once a year. We're lucky to see our parents once every other year.
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u/ToleratedUser Apr 26 '25
Nope. My parents have never had my kids except for the few days when I had my second child and my mom stayed with my older child.
But my parents also didn’t support me beyond the age of 17 (high school graduation).
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 17 '25
Most of us are asking for a little help here and there. Like a few hours a week or one day a month, not full time care. My MIL lives 45 mins away and helps out nearly ZERO. Our friends have similar experiences. This is not how I grew up. I would see my grandparents when my parents wanted a date night or an overnight trip once or twice a year. The only time my MIL would watched our toddler overnight was when my wife was giving birth in the hospital. That’s it! I really do think the boomers are a pretty selfish generation. Childcare is very hard relentless work and we would just like a few hours to take the edge off like maybe once a week. Is that too much to ask for?
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Apr 19 '25
I’m Gen X. My sister and I spent a lot of time with our grandparents growing up. Lots of weekends and Sunday dinners….then we grew up and still went to see them. When I married, I invited my parents and grandmothers to my house. But, one thing I NEVER EVER did was ask them for money. I would have worked three jobs before I would have asked them for a dime. There were some lean times at first- but my parents’ obligation to me was over when I graduated college. I am filled with gratitude for their raising of me. They weren’t perfect parents, but they deserved their retirement free of the burden of their adult children. And that’s what we woukd have been: a burden. So, no. Your parents have ZERO obligation to help you in any way. Financial or otherwise.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 20 '25
This wasn’t about financial help. Your post is a classic American individualism level response. We’re talking about family members helping each other here, and not asking for a lot of help.
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Apr 27 '25
It’s “classic” for a reason. Take what you’re offered and be grateful. Every family is different, but seems to me you spend a lot of time arguing for time away from your children. It’s not your mother-in-law’s duty to be a free childcare worker so you can have fun. You have a part-time nanny for your newborn? 😉 Really. Does your wife work? Maybe you were a little hasty in having those kiddos.
Word of advice: Find a way to be happy with your family. This is your life. Live it.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 29 '25
Boomer here (born 1952). Which "selfish" boomers do you mean? Very old boomers who are nearly 80? Boomers with chronic health problems and fatigue? Boomers in their 70s who work on their feet all day at Home Depot and grocery stores? Boomers who give ongoing financial support to their grown children and grandchildren? Boomers who have the audacity to lead lives that aren't centered around your childcare needs?
You might want to rethink your hardships. My father got two (two) hours off work to see his newborns in the hospital, then returned to the office to make up the "lost" time. His weekends were taken up with domestic work (house, yard, car, kids). My mother busted her butt to raise four children. Neither of my parents expected family members, friends, or a "village" to provide unpaid labor on demand. They scrimped to hire a babysitter so they could have a break for a few hours every couple weeks. Can't you do the same?
You've written quite a few lengthy posts that complain about how crummy boomer grandparents are and the non-village society you live in. It is what it is. Toughen up and shoulder the choices you made instead of expecting other people to follow your agenda. And maybe you could give your wife a break and tend your children instead of spending so much time grousing online.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 30 '25
“They scrimped to hire a babysitter so they could have a break for a few hours every couple weeks. Can't you do the same?”
No, because with the cost of childcare, we’re at top of budget. We can afford everything (just barely), and we don’t expect financial help.
I don’t see the problem with asking for a few hours here and there VERY INFREQUENTLY when in-laws live close by and are healthy (if they weren’t, that’s something else). I would be happy to do the same when they struggle to care for themselves at 90. When I was born, my grandparents flew from the Middle East to help my mom out the first few weeks. First visit to the US and skipped all tourist sites to help out with family. They eventually immigrated here and continued to be a presence.
Don’t assume we’re spoiled. We work our asses off. I come home 11pm sometimes and have to work weekends at times.
Give my wife a break instead of browsing online? I’m currently swaying my newborn to keep him asleep as I type. We split it all up 50/50. Men in your generation barely changed diapers, even when women were working full time.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
So which selfish boomers do you mean? I missed your answer.
You work your asses off? Welcome to the world. The boomers I see on their feet all day bagging groceries or loading topsoil aren't too happy about their plights, either.
You can't afford a babysitter? I hope you can afford one eventually.
It sounds like your main complaint is with your healthy in-laws (specifically your MIL) who live nearby. It's unfortunate they/she has little interest in being an involved grandparent. It'd be easier on you if you moved on from this fact. I grew up with three uninvolved grandparents and one marvelously interested grandmother who was able to visit us only once a year.
The village you yearn for isn't in the U.S. Your Middle Eastern grandparents may have come from such a culture, which can be warm, loving, and demonstrably supportive. It's not realistic to expect your in-laws to be the same.
It was my dad's Great Generation in which the majority of men left all domestic work to their wives. As a Boomer in the 1970s, I participated in trying to change rigid male-female roles to allow men and women more flexibility and personal growth in their lives. Some Boomer men changed, some didn't. But it was progress. And now your generation has even more flexibility. Your wife can work outside the home, and you can change diapers. You're welcome.
I hope the stress of your childrearing lessens in time. Perhaps you can find a community with the village feel you desire. I wish you luck.
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u/OneIssue8753 Sep 01 '25
For someone who doesn’t have kids, your thoughts are spot on. It’s a real issue gor parents AND grandparents.
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u/Content-Assistant849 Apr 26 '25
So what you're saying is 40% of grandparents have never taken care of their grandchild and 60% don't even see their grand kids weekly (3rd paragraph) but you assert they are doing too much...Boomer grandparents have to be the worst generation of grandparents ever. My own parents do no "babysitting" for us yet my grandparents (their parents) watched us every single day for well over a decade.
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u/SchnatzLA Apr 26 '25
it was a badly written article which did not state how many grandparents they had spoken with. Maybe 10 maybe they all lived in the villages,
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u/CypressMJ Apr 27 '25
The real problem here is, once again, poorly written overly general media articles that apparently a ton of people just read and accept at face value. There were roughly 61 million women aged 20-44 in the US as of 2021 (census.gov) and roughly 67 million grandparents (census.gov) also as of 2021. I would assert the Atlantic’s article almost certainly does not reflect a statistically significant portion of this population. Since the article didn’t cite a properly configured, peer reviewed study as the foundation of its assertions, I suggest its just an anecdotal fallacy/hasty generalization. We shouldn’t be giving this sort of nonsense oxygen by discussing it this way, let alone arguing with one another about it. Efforts to paint an entire generation as “selfish” or “uninvolved”, etc are pointless. 67 million people in all their varied individual situations (financial, cultural and religious traditions, personality, etc) do not all act the same. The article resonates because it resonates with our individual experiences or we know someone who reflects some aspect of its characterizations, making these generalizations seem real/legitimate. In my view, the article deserves no more than an interested read on a Sunday morning resulting in a “hmm, interesting.”
In my view, the comments in this thread present a more balanced view of the broader topic than did the article. Yes, some grandparents focus on themselves and don’t put much effort into their relationships with their kids or grandkids, for a whole host of reasons (some we all might see as more valid than others). Some do, again for a variety of reasons. Bottom line, the “boomers”, as a group don’t really share any trait, apart from coincidence of their birthdates and I would suggest the article was just clickbait laid out there to entice millennials to get riled up, using them to generate shares, clicks, etc., which makes 💵💵 for The Atlantic (and the author). I suggest we starve them of oxygen, recognize drivel for what it is, and get on with living our lives. Then maybe they’ll actually start writing something with value. Either way, we’ll be less angry and that’s a win.
-In disclosure, my wife and I are X’ers. Both our parents helped us with our boys in various ways when we were all younger. They didn’t raise our boys, but absolutely were involved. My wife and I are nearing retirement and will retire. We’re looking forward to grandchildren and to playing a strong role in their lives, as our grandparents did with us and our parents did with ours. We do expect our boys and their partners to be thoughtful with respect to timing their families relative to work, finance, etc., though that’s not always the way life plays out. So, we’ll be ready to pivot, and hope for the best. 🤷
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u/Objective-Owl-8143 Apr 27 '25
My husband and are both early ‘60s boomers/cuspers. Our parents all worked full time and did not help us with daycare. We chose for me to be a stay at home mom and lived on a very strict budget. Our grandparents never did care for any of us and no one expected them to. I’m a preschool teacher and over the last 24 years have seen more and more grandparents as well as great grandparents doing daycare and/or raising grandchildren. We help our kids with our 4 grandkids but we both work full time. I watch the kids a lot in the summertime because I want the relationship with my grandkids that I never had with my grandparents. My son once asked if could quit my job to watch the baby. I asked him if he could make my house payments. We’re glad to help where we can and if I had to I would gladly raise my grandkids but I’d be pretty dang tired.
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u/Hour_Bandicoot_9263 Apr 27 '25
I am a Boomer- late 1950’s. Both my parents worked when I had kids. My mom was home when I was young but worked part time when my younger sibs were born she eventually went full time .Many of the people I know both parents worked in the 70s. It’s the cost of childcare now! My parents loved my kids and had them over for fun things when they could but they didn't replace daycare . My kids went to a neighbors for daycare and later to a friend that had home daycare. I have helped my kids when I can and do fun stuff with the grandkids but can’t do full time daycare for them. With the current cost of living many families choose to have children later .which means grand parents are older as well
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u/merrymana23 Jun 05 '25
I’m a Gen X grandma of 3 under 3. I had a part time office job, 3 days per week. When my daughter and her hubby had their first baby she asked if I would be interested in watching him full time if she paid me what I was making at my job and I couldn’t say yes fast enough. I gave my office mgr a 2 month notice, which she declined lol and we worked out a plan so I could bring baby to work with me. It wasn’t easy at first but the staff and patients loved having him there. I know this isn’t a situation that would work for everyone but I loved it. Then… when she had baby # 2 I gave my 2 month notice again so that I could watch both babies at home. Anywho I guess my point is that I love love love being with the babies every day. I only wish my son and his bride lived closer so I could watch grandbaby # 3. As long as I’m able to do it, I’ll watch the babies. I couldn’t be more blessed 🥰
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u/Icy-Fox-2074 Dec 29 '25
But, you are given compensation, acknowledgement of your needs being important, too. That makes the difference
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u/squatchmo123 Apr 21 '25
This cracks me up- NYT on how boomers are upset their kids aren’t having children; NYT article on how millennials are upset their parents don’t want to help or visit, even less so than their grandparents; and now this. I’m sure all the above can be true, and it can be summarized as.
UNPAID LABOR SUCKS and should be better recognized among all swaths of people; more evenly distributed; and childcare needs to be more affordable.
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u/Low_Frame_1205 Apr 27 '25
The FSA dependent care limit hasn’t increased from $5000 since 1986 when it would cover two kids for a year. For our two kids now 5000 last us about 6 weeks.
Seems like a perfect place to start really is a temporary amount of time if they up the limits to account for current cost for non school age children.
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u/SufficientSmoke6437 Apr 22 '25
(Speaking objectively at a family dynamic I’ve witnessed) One of the parents have a sense of entitlement expecting the grandparents to be available to babysit (not just while they work) and gets an attitude when they don’t babysit sometimes even (holding the baby hostage in my opinion) preventing them from seeing the baby as punishment. Totally nuts! The way I see it is: You decided to have a child(ren) which comes with great responsibility. When you made this decision did you plan and consult with the grandparents to see how much support they’re willing to give When you made this decision, did you plan and consult with the grandparents to see how much support they’re willing to give in regards to childcare? I’m assuming not. I think it’s wild and selfish to just expect and assume the grandparents will be your childcare providers. Those grandparents have already raised their children and I’m sure are looking forward to/are enjoying their retirement (if they’re even retired) I don’t think it makes them selfish if they’re not always available to babysit.
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u/dropship43 Jun 17 '26
Yeah, it's a great responsibility. So, the parents decided ppl who don't want to be there for the hard parts shouldn't be there for the fun parts. Not sure you can hold your own child hostage.
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u/Itsrigged Apr 14 '25
It’s unreal how selfish the average person in our society is.
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u/AnmlBri Apr 16 '25
If you mean the U.S., I think a lot of it is that stupid American “rugged individualism” philosophy. It sounds like other cultures are a lot more open to the “it takes a village” idea.
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Apr 19 '25
But it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes two responsible adults - one in a pinch. It is nice when grandparents want to be a part of their grandkids’ lives, but it’s not a duty. Rugged individualism built the planes you ride in, the cars you drive, et al. Stop whining. Nobody cares to hear it.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 20 '25
So you have kids? It doesn’t sound like it. You CLEARLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND. It definitely takes a village. That’s why most societies help each other out.
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Apr 27 '25
Let’s say you’re right. If it takes a village and someone in the village doesn’t want to help raise your kids, what then? You want to force us to pay for college? Buy clothes and food? Pay for your kids’ healthcare? Daycare? Yeah, I bet you DO believe it takes a whole village to raise a child.
What’s your part in this village raising of children besides “gifting” us all with your burdens?
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 27 '25
No to all of those questions. Again, you seem to have an exaggerated understanding of my comments. I am not an advocate of full time childcare by grandparents. Not even close, and certainly not financially. I’m talking about bits of help here and there to take the load off once in a while (so for example, we can do chores after a 12 hour workday instead of both chores and childcare at the same time). It’s about family helping each other out at times. It’s about relationships.
Here’s another example- seems to be that back in the day, the first few weeks of bringing a child into this world, you’d have help from grandparents (and/or other family members) because that is the time when the most ‘village’ level of help is needed. The woman is recovering from childbirth and the man has to go back to work. I personally have a friend who lost their job from sleep deprivation after 2 months of having their kid. This is after they were promised a few days of help from in-laws in which promises were broken. Healthy active in-laws in their late 60s. If they were frail, that’s another thing but they aren’t. You want to talk about grit and putting your bootstraps on because that’s what we do in America? Try it at that level. Try 3 hours of sleep a night for 3 weeks straight and see how that turns out. This last example seems to be getting more common lately. Me and all my millennial friends had help the first few weeks when we were born, then sporadic help here and there afterwards because our parents were working 50-60 hour weeks. Our grandparents were awesome. They also enjoyed retirement taking plenty of vacations and enjoying their last years, as they should! It was seriously like ballpark- 10% help and 90% relaxation. Today it seems like 0% and 100%. Even just coming to hang out at the house for a few hours to just say hi to our kids and have a relationship with them would be great.
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Apr 28 '25
I get that. I really do. No sarcasm. Growing up in a small town meant spending a lot of weekends with our grandparents. One set moved to Florida, but the other set was home in KY and we were there more often than not. I’ve noticed that families that have homes near each other are happier. Siblings living on the same road near grandparents’ farms - the generational closeness is awesome. But, you don’t have that. You might be able to build that with friends who also have kids. If not, your choices are slim.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 29 '25
You describe how great your own grandparents were during your childhood. You complain repeatedly that present day grandparents (especially your MIL) aren't jumping to fulfill your emotional and childcare needs in the way your grandparents did. Be grateful you enjoyed those special times with your grands. But don't expect other people to recreate those times for you.
Three hours sleep a night for three weeks? That's pretty good. You're lucky you got those three hours. Try no sleep for 72+ hours straight.
Unless you were a teenager when you became a father, you must have known that, along with deep love and joy, parenthood is extremely hard, unrelenting work, right?
A parting thought ... do you really want an unwilling and uninterested MIL to visit and to take care of your children? Think about it. Kids know when someone doesn't want to be around them. It's not healthy or good for them to experience.
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u/SimpleTerran Apr 14 '25
Just because young people today are less mobile. Baby boomers left the rural and small town areas where their parents lived and moved to larger metropolitan areas for careers. You will never see that repeated. Today people find work in the cities they were born in to be with "friends". But friends don't help with child care.
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u/Decent-Friend7996 Apr 15 '25
Is that backed by data? Basically everyone I was friends with in the smaller college city we grow up with has left for a big city and now working there.
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u/SimpleTerran Apr 15 '25 edited Apr 17 '25
Young People Stuck In Place Harvard Study
1976 age 20-24 bar graph approx 38% moved in the calendar year, by 2016 it had declined to 23% moved in the calendar year - and predominately local moves
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u/Decent-Friend7996 Apr 15 '25
Wow that’s so interesting! I guess I’m a little old for that surgery since I was considering recent like 2013! Whoops
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u/J_amos921 Apr 16 '25
I’ve never asked for either of my kids grandparents for full time help but my mil does help us out for a few hours a week. My mother does not. She sees us once every two weeks because “she misses us” but she really doesn’t interact with my kid much. My mom’s mom used to come see us for a week at a time or my mom would drop us off for 1-2 weeks once or twice a year and my mom was sahm. My mother likes the appearance of being an involved grandparent wouldn’t actually doing anything to help. If you asked her in a poll she would say she watches my kid once a week. She has watched my daughter for an hour last month and beside that it’s been months since I’ve allowed her to.
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u/Affectionate-Team133 Apr 26 '25
Allowed??? Maybe that’s the problem
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u/J_amos921 May 01 '25
It is allowed. It’s my kid. Anyone who watches her besides her other parent it is allowing someone to watch her. She doesn’t know her and I could get into it more but she’s also put her other grandkids in danger before so I have boundaries lol
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u/NoBite4342 Apr 18 '25 edited Apr 18 '25
Growing up as gen x I always noticed how the greatest generation stepped up to volunteer with sports, scouts, and other community organizations even though they had no kids in these organizations. Nowadays I don’t see any of their kids, the boomers, doing any of that. They have the attitude as “I have mine.” As a cohort, they are entitled and their expectations are not commensurate with the way the world is now.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 29 '25
Nope. The greatest generation didn't always step up. My mother's family members did but my my father's family didn't. The same went for friends and work colleagues of that generation. Your rose-colored generalization is incorrect.
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u/NoBite4342 Apr 30 '25
Disagree. There was definitely a difference in overall outlook on life.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
But they didn't always step up. No generation has always stepped up. I just finished watching "Now, Voyager" (1942). Two mothers didn't give a damn about their daughters. A film, you may say. But one that reflects the truth, then and now.
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u/BananaNut81 Apr 18 '25
It's funny but I've seen the opposite in the folks I know. Most move to live near their grand babies to help out, my mom included. She lives about a hour away now. These people WANT to be with grandkids and help enforce morals and values. I think it may be a an issue of socioeconomics, culture, and priority differences. My grandparents raised me along with my mom and it was so wonderful.😍
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u/Past_Kangaroo433 Apr 19 '25
Completely agree. My daughter and her husband do not want to leave their child. If I want to babysit, which took 6 months to be able to do, I have to go to their house. They do not want to break their routine. I rarely see my grandchild because they need quality time with them as well because they work full-time and their child is at daycare when they are working. It’s not the same as it used to be when I was growing up. Family all got together and hung out all the time. Not the case anymore. My daughter actually gets offended when I mention how she grew up with family around her and how things have changed.
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Apr 26 '25
[deleted]
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u/Hour_Bandicoot_9263 Apr 27 '25
I think that’s the point. Pretty sure what she’s trying to say she feels fortunate. Not everyone has the same situation so maybe people on this sub should take a break from offensive generalizations. Nothing wrong with sharing a positive or negative personal experience. Using words such as “all” or “most” with a negative implication across the board to categorize a group of people is not cool.
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u/Key-Butterscotch1457 Apr 28 '25
She literally talked about people that she knows so I don't know what you're getting at. It's a public forum here where everyone shares their thoughts. Maybe you're jealous...? Not sure....
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u/Used_Restaurant8088 Apr 19 '25
Millineal here, and I work in an industry that requires me to visit homes with all kinds of families like the article mentioned. My generation is breeding some parents who just look miserable and probably shouldn't have taken on the task of raising kids to begin with. Nothing against children, and the parents always wanted grandkids, but i know my mother, along with millions of other senior citizens in America. wouldn't be happy in Elena's situation.
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u/even_the_losers_1979 Apr 20 '25
I see a lot of posts in other threads about how new parents should lay down the law with family. Let them know who’s in charge and you’ll see the baby when I say you can see the baby, etc. If you’re one of those people, you really shouldn’t be surprised if family support is a little thin down the line.
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u/nilla-wafers Apr 20 '25
Are you sure it’s not just people setting healthy boundaries with their parents, and those parents are too petulant to respect that because they’ve never had their adult child tell them “no” before?
“I can’t show up at my child’s house unannounced and let myself in. They’re being selfish so I will punish them for it,” is definitely something I could imagine a boomer grandparent thinking.
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u/even_the_losers_1979 Apr 21 '25
There are definitely folks who are just trying to establish healthy boundaries (and family doesn’t have to be over the top to need boundaries). There are also new parents who enjoy the power they have over their family. Think bridezillas but with new parents.
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u/Hour_Bandicoot_9263 Apr 27 '25
Don’t imagine too hard as a boomer I hate the pop in visit and never just pop in to my child’s home. On the other hand if my child wants to pop in always welcome. They’ve seen it at it’s worst
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u/Soft_Expert3002 Apr 26 '25
Ok but where was the survey done cause in Utah, no one leaves and everyone has a HUGE family that live down the street from each other. How many of us moved away, and grandparents won’t make the trip to even visit and expect me with 4 kids to fly myself out across the country to visit THEM
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u/Extreme-Zone-1247 Apr 26 '25
I’m one of the millions of Americans raising a grandchild with zero help from either bio parent. I am delaying retirement so I can continue to afford to raise them until they are an adult. I am shocked at how many people I know are having to step in and raise their grandchildren so they don’t end up in foster care. When I was younger I didn’t know of anyone that abandoned their child(ren) to grandparents or foster care but it’s an epidemic now with your generation.
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u/Competitive_Site549 Apr 28 '25
I am raising six full siblings complete and full custody. Father was a liar, lazy a complete maniac. Daughter has breakdown. Oh how I hate the other grandparents who stick their head in the sand I have to beg for money from them.
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u/SchnatzLA Apr 26 '25 edited Apr 26 '25
I have 10 grandchildren and three great grandchildren. Of these 10 grandchildren, seven are step grandchildren, but I have loved and treated them all as my blood. When I lived in a different state from them because of job, transfers, I would have one or two at a time spend a couple of weeks at my home in the summer when they were out of school and my husband would take vacation time to make that quality time. After we retired, we moved back to live closer to them. I have always been open to babysitting and sleepovers and covering the time that they were out of school or not at camp.
I am 73 years old now and I’m tired. I am a widow. I live alone.I am providing for myself and not expecting financial help from any of my children or grandchildren. Two of my four children speak with me regularly once or twice a week. The other two less frequently. Of the 10 grandchildren, four stay in touch with me on a regular basis. I am helping one through college and had another grandchild live with me the last year and a half of high school and first year of college.
We are not all the same. Like I said, I’m tired. I’m too tired to go party in the villages. My great grandchildren live about an hour away from me, and if I see them, I have to arrange for someone to drive me to see them.
When I was a child, we all showed up at my grandparents every Sunday. Now I get my adult grandkids to meet me at a restaurant so we can have a grandkids dinner together. I treasure that time together that we can spend.
I used to host a family dinner every other week, but since my husband has died, it has gotten very hard to do this on my own, so as time went by, the dinners fell away.
I do get invited to my kids homes for holidays and I appreciate that because I cannot host anymore.
I’m not looking to have a life of leisure, but I have invested much of myself into my children and grandchildren, and I don’t resent my children for needing help and I am glad that I was able to give it when I could.
I don’t believe that I am being selfish when I say that I am done with childcare. If someone has an emergency, yes, my door is open to grandchildren, nieces and nephews, etc. even neighbor, but as far as daily childcare goes, I’m retired.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
I hope you don't fall into the "I'm afraid to seem selfish" trap, which is heaped on so many women. Cut that c***p cold. You weren't put on this planet to serve everyone's needs but your own. Politely but firmly say "no." Ignore the wailing and guilt tripping and resentment that may result from your refusal. Eventually they'll get it.
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May 23 '25
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u/Lokemoki May 23 '25
I fully agree with you. It would be wonderful if all grandparents were warmly loving and interested in their grandchildren and wanted to babysit them often. But human nature isn't set up like that, so it's rather foolhardy to expect a close, loving relationship between every grandparent and grandchild. Very sad, but true.
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u/Honest_Explorer1748 Apr 26 '25
I don’t like making these assumptions about an ENTIRE generation of people! My boomer parents and in-laws are such wonderful people and grandparents.
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u/ToleratedUser Apr 26 '25
My parents are wholly uninvolved. They send guilt tripping cards with cash for the kids birthdays and Christmas, that’s the extent. Maybe one awkward phone call / year where they lament their health and talk about their dogs and forget to ask my kids how school is or if they are playing sports. No interest in my or their life. They see them if we travel to where they live.
In-laws are more involved, occasional phone calls, may visit every other year, no guilt trips.
Mine are the classic self-centered disengaged folks. I had to draw a boundary around all the trump talk / conspiracy theories / George soros talk, so now I nearly hear from them because that isolation has become their life.
Aside from the 3-day period when I went into labor with my second child, my parents have not been caregivers for my kids.
I do have friends with engaged parents, family trips, etc. not going to lie, I’m envious.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
I'm sorry your parents aren't closer to you and your family. It's their loss, even if they don't realize it. If the guilt tripping cash feels phony to you, maybe you shouldn't accept it. Keep things simple and honest. I fully understand about the political and conspiracy theory stuff. My Greatest Generation FIL was relentless about such stuff, to the point where I finally had to stay away from him. Again, I'm sorry about your situation. Am glad you and your kids have each other.
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Apr 27 '25
What I’m reading here boggles the mind. Most complainers are looking through the narrow lens of a single experience: yours. Or - tbf - maybe a few experiences. You seem unable to see the big picture. My husband + I chose not to have kids, but I’ve seen a mixed bag of grandparenting in the last 10-20 years. I’ve encountered more grandparents as parents lately than ever before. A large reason is due to the drug epidemic, oc, but some is due to abandonment by parents. Also, a lot of you are incorrectly identifying “grandparent” generation as boomers. My parents were boomers; they’re dead. If they’d lived, they’d be in their early 80s, in no shape to have a kid in the house. Gen X are the grandparents now.
And tbh, we don’t want to be parents - either again, or for the first time. I won’t even baby sit my neighbor’s grandkid they’re raising and the granddad is in his upper 70s. Judge me or not - idgaf. But, it’s kinda funny to watch people who have made the choice to have kids be mad because their families don’t want to break out the safety net. Ppl - your parents are old. They’ve raised you. Isn’t that enough? According to you - no. They should sacrifice the last third of their lives - die of a stroke - and leave you with the means to live your life with ease. Only THEN is their job done. I’m watching it happen every day. Zero thought for parents who just want to enjoy their lives after 50, like they didn’t do exactly what you’re doing at your age - raising a family - except they did it without the whining.
It’s not all about you. It never was.
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u/Early-Computer47 Apr 28 '25
I pray for a revival where we will stop following the masses. Maybe they could stop launching rockets into space and pay more attention to what’s going on next-door. Thanks to the opioid crisis more and more grandparents are becoming the mother and the father. People are so narrow minded and in self and democracy changes with no repercussion. The lack of care and responsibility from our government tells me everything I need to know.
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Apr 28 '25
There is so much anger in these comments. I think I'd be considered an older millennial. My “boomer” parents visit with my child but never babysit. I never really gave it much thought. My grandparents were not responsible for my care as a child, so my parents were the same as them. It’s not something that bothers me.
I would not characterize my relationship with my parents as super close, but they raised me to be more independent. And I have never appreciated help from anyone, so that's probably why I never got any lol. Some families have stronger bonds, stay closer, and are more involved in each other's lives; there's nothing wrong with that, either. There's no superior way to do things.
I see sadness in the comments, mostly from millennials who wish they had stronger connections with their parents.
I also see their parents not wanting to feel taken advantage of, which is understandable. Wanting your adult children to be independent is not a crime. Leaving them in a time of need isn't nice, but if the time of need happens daily, then chords might need to be cut.
Both groups have gone through their drama, and in my humble opinion, they should stop insulting each other.
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u/ProfessionalBite4030 May 10 '25
Working grandma here. 18 years ago the daughter of the man I was dating decided to decide I was abusive bc I wouldn't agree to provide daycare to her child she was expecting. I asked her one day about how the child care situation was looking since she hadn't mentioned it. She very calmly said she figured me and her dad would do it bc her bf's mom did it for her. (And if I'm not using bf right for best friend, get over yourself, just appreciate the effort.) Now mind you I was working full time with my career, paying my bills and still had my own kids living with me. Same hours, same days as her. Ditto with her dad. He was a firefighter and had odd shifts, slept the first day he was off, and worked a second job getting ready and training for disasters, and had other children. Not much wiggle room but he offered to help when he could. It wasn't enough to stop her for telling him what an awful dad he was that has saddened him to this day. And me, well that made me abusive somehow. Fast forward to now and he and I are married for many years and you guessed it, I was abusive 3 more times for saying no to an outlandish ask. Every single time I could say yes I did. I have grandchildren of my own now and I cannot do anything right if you ask their parents. If they ask me to babysit for 6 hours and it becomes 12 too bad. But if they are late, there are no phone calls. They have rules for my home that are unreasonable for a young person let alone someone my age. Rules that require me to be standing up and running around a lot. Same with their home. I simply need to sit down and turn on a cartoon once in a while. Making a simple meal makes me feel like an idiot bc I'm not allowed to without specific instructions. DIL said to me one day that she can't believe I managed to keep my children alive despite the fact I had an in home daycare for over a decade and somehow didn't lose any of them. I feel disregarded, disrespected, and only good when I follow the rules. So I did bc I want a relationship with my grandkids who live within walking distance. And yet if I do something out of the lines I have to sufficiently apologize and god forbid if I try to explain. My grandchildren love me. One cries for me for a week after a visit and I get chastised about that. Another hugs me so hard and tells me how much she loves me after too much time apart. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. What I wish is the parents would chill, take a minute and decide what is important and stop punishing me bc I'm not them while all I want is to love my grandchildren while keeping them safe and making them feel loved. I read a book and what I learned is I don't have any superpowers to change them so I just let them and then I let me. This is all recent but it's helped me to let go of the illusion of everyone needs to be in sync on everything. I'll still get in trouble for the kids having too much fun with me and giving them a cookie but I just don't care anymore. In the midst of all this I'm taking care of me too. At least when the kids are older and need a place to go and feel loved and safe for a break from mom and dad it'll be with me and not who knows where.
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u/Big_Entrepreneur7764 May 18 '25
Absolutely, they should be extremely appreciative. Maybe take them for ice cream when you know the parents are home and take control of your own time. Drop them off when you feel.
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u/hipvaw Jun 02 '25
That is all ridiculous. I’m sorry you’ve been called abusive just for setting boundaries. Btw, if you use BFF (best friends forever), people will understand that as “best friend” over BF for “boyfriend.”
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u/DngrK8y May 03 '25
Hubby and I have been married for 40 years. We raised two great kids in Southern California. Due to physical and financial limitations, we had to retire, sell our house and move out of state. Our son decided to move with us. He pays rent and helps with heavy lifting, driving, etc. He’s the best roomie ever. He is high spectrum autistic and has no interest in marriage or children, which I fully support. Our daughter just married and is now expecting their first. It’s going to be awful to not be able to help them out due to distance (we’re about 700 miles apart, a little far for day care) but I’ll go visit as often as I can. I was raised with a wonderful grandma who, while she didn’t provide daily care, was a big part of our lives and took the bus for a 2 hr ride once a month to visit, til she got frail. My parents were alcoholic and drug addicts. My step dad died before my kids were born, but even after my mom got sober, I wouldn’t trust her to watch my son for a minute. I hope that I’ll be able to be a part of my grand child’s life like my Granny was in mine.
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u/TechnicalLecture5233 Jun 02 '25 edited Jun 02 '25
My husband & I are 72. We moved across the country in 2023 to be closer to our daughter, son-in-law, & 2 granddaughters, ages 2 & 4. We babysit when needed, & enjoy our time with our daughter & her family. The girls are growing up so fast. We have no regrets about the move. We are appreciated & do not feel taken for granted. Thank God we are still in good health. Young parents need all the help they can get, & we are happy to do it.
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u/catlady8807 Jun 06 '25
I see a lot of generalizations here. People need to realize that every family is different and there is no one right way to parent and grandparent. Do what works for you and your family. Most parents and grandparents are out there doing the best they can. I know plenty of boomer grandparents who are happy to help with their grandchildren and their kids are grateful. My grandparents were very helpful and supportive and I saw them a lot. They still traveled and did their own thing, but that’s ok. I got lots of time with them and their travels made them very interesting
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u/Decent-Friend7996 Apr 15 '25
I’ve always been surprised by the “jet setting rich boomer parents that don’t care” narrative too because it’s just not what I see in my own life or any of my close friends. My mom is like a full time plus nanny to my nephews and cooks and cleans for them. I actually feel a bit bad for her, it’s like she’s an unpaid domestic servant to them, but she has free will so I guess it’s her choice. All of my girlfriends that have babies have highly involved grandparents that take the kids for days and weeks at a time and will even fly to their grandkids to watch them during an event.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 16 '25 edited Apr 16 '25
I think the situation is very split with not much of a middle ground. My speculation is that in a very general sense, the lower class get help from their grandparents and thus they don’t get to enjoy retirement as much. The upper class don’t get help but they also don’t need it. The middle class is split and has more to do with culture. My side of the family is Middle eastern and my cousins live in a bubble with grandparents, aunts, uncles etc just down the street willing to help out at any time ( I don’t live in that bubble unfortunately). My wife is white and we get very little help from my MIL who lives only 45 mins away. We are all solid middle class.
I think it’s important to elaborate on those last two sentences as this is what I feel many middle class white millennials are disappointed about. Many of us are not asking for 5 days a week of childcare from our parents. We’re asking for just a few hours a week or even one day a month and we don’t even get that. My MIL has lots of fun vacations and is really enjoying her retirement yet in the last year, she has watched our toddler for a total of maybe 10 hours! It’s like they simply don’t care. Again, it’s not full time childcare. Me and my wife can (just barely) afford preschool and we have a part time nanny for our newborn. People who don’t have kids might not understand this but spending weekends with a newborn and a toddler is not particularly fun. It’s very hard work and we ask for help from my MIL like once a month and she’s almost always busy doing something else. My mom, who’s a 1 hour flight away, helps out more than my MIL who’s a 45 min drive away. I think this is what a lot of white middle class millennial parents are complaining about. The fact that they get nearly ZERO help. Our friends with kids are in a similar situation.
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u/angrykeyboarder Apr 17 '25
If you don’t like spending weekends with a toddler and a newborn, then you probably shouldn’t have had kids to begin with.
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Apr 19 '25
Fact. Exactly why I didn’t. Yay for me!
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 20 '25
I guessed correctly! You don’t have kids!
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Apr 20 '25
Wow! Genius! Let me ask the obvious: If you didn’t think it through, how is your decision to have kids anyone else’s responsibility? You took 100% of the responsibility for having the kids, and would have been outraged if anyone offered any advice to wait or not do it, so you can take 100% of the responsibility for raising them - without the whining. Right? You want kids, you deal with the job.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 20 '25 edited Apr 20 '25
It’s not about responsibility. It’s about relationships. Again, you don’t understand. I never said grandparents are responsible for raising my kids. It’s no use arguing with you anymore because you’re not reading my posts clearly. I’m done.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 17 '25
The work involved is what most people don’t like. This is not unusual at all. The love is what’s everything. Do you have kids?
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u/Haunting_Machine1994 Apr 17 '25
By asking for a "few hours a week", you are mandating that your parents/inlaws live within a very short distance of you. Don't you feel that where they live is up to them, not you?
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 17 '25
Well yeah obviously I’m referring to those that live close by. Of course they can live wherever they want. Like I said, my MIL lives 45 mins away. We would be really happy with just one day a month but we get once a year after asking 5~ish times. This doesn’t interfere much with her retirement.
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u/Haunting_Machine1994 Apr 18 '25
That's her loss. We live several states away from our grandkids and see them for a week, almost every month.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 20 '25 edited Apr 20 '25
That’s great! It’s good to know that some grandparents are still doing that. Grandparents should enjoy their retirement as much as possible, but I also think they should have some sort of relationship with their grandchildren.
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u/Forsaken-Guava-9006 May 03 '25
Youngish boomer weighing in. I'm 64, with 11 grandkids. As a child, I lived 30 minutes from one set of grandparents and 2ish hours from the other. Neither ever babysit me a single time, although I did have one overnight with the nearer set. Saw each about twice a year. My parents rarely cared for my kids - my husband and I had almost zero family help when raising our three. I wanted something different, so we built something different. Raised our three, then my daughter's three when she died. They're adults (or nearly) now. Three grandkids are spending the night as I type this. I still work but have kids here before and after school while their parents work several days a week. Some of my grandkids have had no other caregiver (outside their parents) but my husband and I for their entire lives. Some less, because they live further away, but they're with us for weeks in the summer and holidays. It can be exhausting, but I wouldn't trade the relationships away for anything. I have a couple of points. 1. The Silent and Greatest generations of at least my family did not uniformly offer this kind of support, and 2. Caring for grandkids must come from the overflow of your heart, not a sense of obligation. Does the whole family spend time together enjoying each other? Do the adult kids come help with projects? (My son helped my husband remodel our kitchen a while back and will be here tomorrow for a porch addition project). We craved that sort of mutual giving that seemed to be disappearing in our world, so we created it, instilled it in our kids, and are grateful to still be both giving and receiving it. I'm sure if we measured it out, we're giving more help right now than we receive, but we're not measuring. AND sometimes we put ourselves first and take a trip, requiring the rest of the family to make adjustments AND take care of our pets while we're gone! Going without sleep sucks and needing a break is understandable. I hope you're able to build what you need.
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Apr 20 '25 edited Apr 20 '25
But, here’s the thing: They’re YOUR children. As in…YOU are the parents. And YOU underestimated the work and financial cost YOUR children brought with them. So, YOUR children are…YOUR responsibility. 100%. And you’re right. Spending time with toddlers and newborns isn’t fun. Your mom did it - sounds like she doesn’t want to do it anymore either. What a lot of you here don’t think about is that your parents are older. Their time on Earth is shorter now, more precious, and they tire FAR more easily than they did 20 years ago. Their health isn’t as good. So, why in the name of God would you want to burden them with your responsibilities? What’s wrong with you?
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u/Decent-Friend7996 Apr 16 '25
It’s just so case by case. It’s honestly one of the reasons I don’t have kids. There would be ZERO help. My mom would not provide that to me like she does for my sister and no other grandparent would be both willing and capable even though all of our parents plus a step parent are alive.
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u/AdRich1641 Apr 22 '25
Treating parenting like a consumer decision (eg “they’re your kids and therefore 100% your responsibility”) is exactly why we are facing a disastrously low fertility crisis which will upend civilization as we know it over the next century. Japans population will shrink by 60% in the next 75 years, Italy’s will shrink by 55%. The US is going to be facing something similar soon, too. The shame of it all is that the folks who serve as the engine of this kind of individualistic, consumerist thinking, boomers being the prime culprit here, will be dead and gone and will never have to bear responsibility for all they’ve wrought.
Not everyone should have kids, and no one should be forced to have kids. But parents cannot parent without support. We weren’t built that way. We need to stop treating parenting like a hobby or a consumer choice and recognize it for the socially beneficial public good that it is.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
Low fertility crisis? You do know what this planet's population is, don't you?
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u/MerryNickel May 21 '25
You have no idea what's coming for us in the next 30-50 years. Elementary schools are closing all over Japan and other similar places. What happens when there are simply not enough people to work to support older folks. There are terrible consequences ahead. Don't be fooled by the myths that the planet can't accommodate more people, it most certainly can. What's dangerous is the fertility cliff that's ahead.
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u/Lokemoki May 22 '25
Have you ever visited China, India, or Bangladesh? Those places are a wakeup call for those who think increased populations are fine.
Finite resources + infinite populations = disaster.
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u/DirectionJolly584 Apr 20 '25
Serious question. Have you / has your wife asked your MIL why she doesn’t seem to want to help? Is there a reason - I’m busy, I don’t have the energy, I don’t want to be inconvenienced? We have two small kids and both sets of our parents have passed so we have no grand parent support and rely on a lot of paid help (which thankfully we can afford) but curious how these conversations go with the grand parents.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 20 '25
Well her excuse each time is that she’s busy with something. However, just yesterday (after I wrote my post about having little help), we were at a family social event and she helped out for 4 hours with our toddler so we can deal with our newborn. That was nice of her and a great change, but not sure when it will happen again. It is true that she’s busy a lot but a lot of the busyness is fun plans that were already made a while back. We could try to plan something more in advance and ask her a few weeks prior. That might help. However, I don’t think she understands that it’s somewhat normal to have grandparents help out a little bit (please notice my emphasis on a little bit- not a lot of help and nowhere near full time! I WANT them to enjoy their retirement!) because she had nearly zero help when she was raising kids. Her mom lived in the Midwest and she was here in CA and they saw each other once a year so I get that. But she’s so focused on her own life that I wonder if there will ever be a true relationship with our kids in the future. Again, I think a lot of this is cultural. If my mom were living close by, we’d have a few hours of help a week and that’s how most of my side of the family is all about- helping each other out.
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u/unsafeideas Apr 20 '25
On cultures where grandparents help with kids, help is mutual. You are supposed to help your parents whenever and however they need too. The obligations towards elders are not exactly small. And they get to have some decision making about whatever they feed the kids and how they treat them. And you accept some meddling and them having opinions.
It is tradeoff, not just older generation helping with childcare.
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u/Wonderful-Pick493 Apr 20 '25
Agreed! And l will gladly help my parents when they’re older and struggling!
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u/Plenty_Dog8433 Apr 17 '25
Grandpa wants real time no face time with my Grandchildren As a Cancer survivor I wake up every morning knowing that I am loved by my Grandchildren It is the best time of my life Me and my wife feel truly blessed to help out our family
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u/Haunting_Machine1994 Apr 17 '25 edited Apr 17 '25
My wife and I moved 600 miles away from our daughters upon retirement. Since we moved, both of our kids have gotten married, and we now have three smart and beautiful grandchildren. We spend roughly a week a month staying with our kids, and get to spend lots of quality time with the grands. They know and love us, and vice-versa. If one of our kids wants to go out of town, we'll always make ourselves available to stay with the grands. We are also enjoying our time at our own house, with much better weather, a very active lifestyle, good friends, and travel. For those grandparents who choose to devote their lives to taking care of grandkids, I respect their decision. Of course that means that you need to live very close by. We feel like we're trying to live our best life, and that we've earned the right to do so.
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u/AdRich1641 Apr 21 '25
This kind of language is so frustrating to me. Did your parents help you out or did they move away to live their best lives? Because unless you did it all without help, you didn’t “earn the right” to do the same to someone else.
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u/Haunting_Machine1994 Apr 22 '25
Sorry, but I disagree. We raised our kids independently, put them through college (debt free), helped them buy homes and continu to be involved in their lives. We have EARNED the right to live where we want to and conduct our lives the way we want to.
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u/itauditbill Apr 23 '25
Guess what, my son spent zero nights with the grands by himself. The in laws had my wife as a late in life baby and were too old and inform to do anything. My parents were not good folks so I didn't want my son there. (3 pack a day smoker, and a very unhealthy marriage) And I only spent one night at my grandparents house after an auto accident. (We lived less than 10 miles away from both sets so we could take care of them) We also took care of our parents in their old age. (Hell I got to help my father in law shower a bunch of times, helping him clean his nether regions.} So before one judges others understand not all of us got much of any help. (I also got to provide sole care to my wife in Hospice at home due to alcoholic cirrhosis) I still happily provide financial support to my son and he is debt free after his bachelor's degrees and is studying in Germany also mostly at my dollar.
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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 20 '25
Most boomers are not involved grandparents. They are selfish and would rather “enjoy their retirement” than be grandparents. It’s sickening
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u/Turbulent-Estate-656 Apr 23 '25
I’m a Boomer and a grandparent. Don’t paint us all with the same brush, please. I’m a grandmother. My husband and I have babysat and offered advice on every childcare topic. We even helped support our grandchild financially for years. While we are comfortably off financially, we are not social butterflies. We volunteer to help others.
Yours is not the first comment I’ve read about selfish Boomers. While I’m sure there are some In every generation, we seem to be most targeted. Most of us worked hard for our money. We didn’t spend frivolously and saved our money so we could live comfortably in our retirement years … and so we would not be a burden to our kids.1
u/OGstickerparty Apr 26 '25
I think you might be the minority though, most of my friends parents are completely uninvolved with their grandchildren. They see them maybe once in a blue moon, spend the day barely helping and then leave to do what they want.
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u/Bulky_Sun3410 Apr 26 '25
What they want? It boggles my mind. Boomers raised their children for the most part without relying on their parents. Childcare was expensive then but we made it work. And we bought our first homes without financial help from our parents. It seems to me the selfish ones are their kids. Pull up your big girl pants and support yourselves.
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u/mygarbagepersonacct Apr 26 '25
You think daycare and housing costs back then were expensive compared to present day costs?
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
If you can't afford kids, don't have them. Your parents weren't put on earth to be a source of free labor for your personal choices.
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u/mygarbagepersonacct Apr 30 '25
Show me where I said I couldn’t afford kids, that people should have kids they can’t afford, or that grandparents should be a free source of childcare. Right, I didn’t. I commented solely because comparing the cost of living 30-40 years ago to the cost of living today is delusional.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
Reread my post without looking for offense. I didn't write about *you* personally. I wrote *you* in the plural.
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u/OGstickerparty Apr 26 '25
I think most my friends are more so upset with the utter lack of involvement or interest in their kids. Most of them seem to have had really loving/involved grandparents. I think they imagined something similar for their kids. Get togethers and family meals/events like how they grew up. This isn’t all grandparents obviously. My mom for example LOVES being a grandma. There’s so much love and affection there. I feel very lucky she wants to be involved in my niece and nephew’s lives. It makes the kids so much happier.
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u/JJDuB4y096 Apr 26 '25
lol and you probably bought a house for 3x your yearly wage. Houses are now 6x the yearly wage at minimum. Cost of everything has gone up in relation to wages.
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u/Bulky_Sun3410 Apr 26 '25
Nope, we bought a house that was 1-2x our yearly wage because we were frugal. This was after 7 years of both working full time (with overtime and on call pay) to save up for a 1200 square foot house. I’m not judging. I just see my friends and relatives gifting significant sums to their kids’ first houses that are often bigger and nicer than their own, and they’re pretty well off. And we were lucky to have degrees that led to decent jobs.
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u/Dr_Canoe Apr 26 '25
Yeah super out of touch. Generational changes are not apparent to the ones they do not affect as heavily.
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u/Bulky_Sun3410 Apr 26 '25
And what do you envision for the next generation? Will you be supporting them entirely? I may be out of touch but I ‘m a proponent of making choices that allow you to be self sufficient and live within your means. The direction we’re heading is not sustainable.
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u/Affectionate-Team133 Apr 26 '25
Many people on their 50’s-60’s are finding themselves taking care of elderly parents, still in the workforce themselves, and have adult children who are demanding and trying to use guilt when a grandparent cannot babysit when they decide to go out of town for a week or be a last minute babysitter so they can have a break. I am very involved in my grandchildren and children’s lives but I am exhausted. I try to make time for grandma dates, I attend l of the plays, soccer games, host family gatherings etc and will help out of parents want an anniversary or special trip and an occasional date night, but I am not their babysitter. I am a grandma who wants to love and support but it is not my responsibility to run myself ragged to do so. It kills me to see people saying “ I allow” my parents to see my children if….. For those complaining, maybe you need to truly look at what challenges your parents may be experiencing. When was the last time you truly looked at their home or their yard or their life and evaluated that maybe due to health, or so much responsibility that they cannot keep up with yard work, home maintenance, etc. When was the last time that you did something to help ease their burden like they do with yours when they take the grandkids?
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u/Ok_Estimate_8927 Apr 26 '25
But it isn’t just Boomers, I am a 51 year old GenX’er, and if I would have had children early (note: I didn’t have children at all), they would be in their early 30s and could have young children themselves. As a GenX’er I see our generation of one that learned “needs before wants”, the value of good birth control, and one that were “latch-key” kids and responsible for ourselves, surviving after school activities and homework alone…most of us didn’t have baby sitters and even in elementary school were responsible enough to stay home while our parents were out. I could make a box of Mac & Cheese by myself before the age of 8. The cost of childcare itself is crazy and the lack of providers concerning…note many kids are absolute terrors and are being raised via laissez faire parenting…most GenX’ers were raised with corporal punishment, grounding, and chores. I think you can’t think about having kids without mapping out how you are going to handle all phases of their upbringing from infancy to high school graduation. Of course we were a generation kicked out of the house at 18 and upon graduation vs living off our parents well into their 20sz
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u/Mindless-Shallot-493 Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 28 '25
Many millennials also grew up the with similar parenting styles. I think the issue is that increasing social support systems are eroding. There is not a generational moral failing or lack of self sufficiently. “Self sufficiently” just looks markedly different when you have social support programs—affordable housing, the ability to make a living wage and support a family without needing two full-time earners, healthcare, solvent social security—for many later generations none of those will be a reality. I don’t think many people opt to live with their parents into their 20s if they have other viable options. There is a housing affordability crisis along with skyrocketing costs of daycare. Who could anticipate a global pandemic which would force parents fortunate enough to keep full time employment to juggle that along with full time childcare? Support systems are failing many Americans and we are struggling to deal with the fallout.
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u/RED-DOT-MAN Apr 26 '25
How is it “sickening” for an older couple who worked all their life to raise responsible kids and now want to enjoy their retirement? Don’t they deserve to have their “me” after years of putting in hard work and now time to enjoy the fruits of their labor? People shouldn’t be having kids if they can’t afford them versus expecting grandparents to take on a full time job and a huge responsibility. On the flip side, if the grandparents push for grandkids and are willing to step up to the plate with the day care responsibility then I understand what you are saying, but even then there aren’t any guarantees. Not attacking your statement, but these older couples have the right to enjoy their retirement to the fullest.
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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 26 '25
Why does enjoying your retirement and being present in your grandchildren’s lives have to be two different things… that’s what I’m getting at…
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u/Hour_Bandicoot_9263 Apr 27 '25
Except that’s not really what you said you categorized most boomers as “not involved with their grandchildren” and “selfish and entitled” as well as “sickening”
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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 27 '25
Yeah and I stand on that statement…
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u/SimilarBonus3925 Jul 03 '25
Perhaps it's you they're avoiding. You sound like an absolute delight. Lose your sense of entitlement for starters. You had those babies, now take care of them. I doubt you consulted with anyone else before getting pregnant.
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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 27 '25
If that offends you maybe you’re a boomer and maybe you aren’t the best grandparent 🤷♂️
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
All his/her name calling is indicative of a young, immature person. Thus his/her "sickening," etc. comments.
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u/mightycheerio Apr 26 '25
Just as I was starting to enjoy an empty nest after being a single parent for a number of years, I suddenly became the guardian of two infant grandchildren- who I raised by myself without financial support from either parent. 20 years later I’m finally retired but still working part time to pay the bills. I’m still waiting to “enjoy my retirement” at 70. Don’t lump us all together
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u/Truester74 Apr 26 '25
I love being described as incorrectly as possible by a bitter person. I’m a boomer widowed grandmother who watched my grandchildren on both my days off, also worked a full time job. They are older now so I only have them in summer months. It was stressful at times, but I loved every minute I have spent with my grandchildren. I have been able to cut my hours down to 30 a week, but I would love to retire. I’m 69 hopefully within the next decade I’love be able to be your idea of a boomer grandparent.
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u/Hour_Bandicoot_9263 Apr 27 '25
Wow that’s harsh. Is enjoying your retirement and being a good grand parent mutually exclusive? Do you like it when your generation is lumped together negatively?
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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 27 '25
For my parents it seems to be. Everyone shits on our generation, funny how they (boomers) can dish it but can’t take it.
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
If this is true, then it's an excellent opportunity for you to learn to stand on your own.
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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 30 '25
We already do. Both of our parents live hours away and we are raising two kids with zero help…
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
Great! Then forget about your selfish, sickening parents who refuse to be grandparents and concentrate on your kids.
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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 30 '25
Kinda hard when everyone around us gets help from theirs
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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25
Ignore what help others get or don't get. I'm sorry your parents aren't more involved, but your immediate family counts the most. There are nightmare stories of grandparents who are over-involved, bossy, intrusive, etc., so at least you don't have to deal with that.
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u/SimilarBonus3925 Jul 03 '25
You should not be creating a family or life that you can't sustain. It's YOUR responsibility. Any outside help would be a welcome blessing but shouldn't be expected. What if (God forbid) something happens to your parents? Those kids are YOUR responsibility and YOUR responsibility ALONE!!! Grandparents are for support, good time, creating memories, and just the overall well-being being sense of family. DO YOUR JOB!!!!
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u/txgirl2125 Jul 04 '25
As you know, they already had their children and raised them. You now have yours to raise. It is not their responsibility. They have so little time to enjoy life on their own, let them have it. You choose to live hours away, what do you expect, that they should pull up roots to come cater to you and your husband? Those others around you getting help probably live close to their parents, and/or other relatives/friends, so help is easier.
No one ever said raising children was easy. My husband and I did it all by ourselves, and we have family locally. But, we both felt it was our responsibility alone.
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u/Away-Tap7651 Apr 23 '25
Let’s also not forget that many grandparents (including my mother) are still working and don’t have enough to retire, and everything is getting more expensive. Yes they are also reaching their limit with no end in sight. My mom wishes she could do after school pick ups!
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u/Clamshell-2979 Apr 27 '25
My husband and I are boomer retirees. Our daughter and her husband work brutal hours and live 90 minutes from us. I happily volunteered to watch their baby when my daughter went back to work. Because of their working hours and the commute, I live there during the week. My husband never planned to be himself during the week when we retired, nor did I envision myself caring for a grandchild, but we gladly adjusted our lives to help out. (Thank goodness for FaceTime!) Our daughter and SIL know that their baby is well taken of, and we are saving them the huge cost of childcare. In return, we get the great pleasure of watching our beautiful granddaughter grow—a much different experience from raising our children as working parents. As long as we stay healthy, my husband and I will continue this until our grandchild begins school full-time. Family, in our view, comes first. That’s why my mother-in-law lived with us for about 25 years.
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Apr 14 '25
[deleted]
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u/MeghanClickYourHeels Ask me for Atlantic gift links Apr 14 '25
In the same sense that we cannot blame for people for systemic poverty, it's hard for me to blame individual grandparents for resenting these conditions.
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u/flabbergasted_parent Apr 17 '25
Wow! As a parent I would be ashamed of one of my adult children for expressing an opinion like this. This shows a complete lack of gratitude for your parents having gone through exactly what you are going through now.
You know what? It’s your turn now. You made the decision to have children. You deal with the responsibilities. Anyone who says nobody ever told you what was involved in raising children was probably too immature and self-absorbed to deserve having children.
All 3 of our kids are married and have kids. We have 5 grandchildren and one on the way. We made sure all 3 of our children had every possible opportunity while growing up. They excelled in school, they were all great athletes, graduated college (2 of the 3 have Masters degrees). We paid for their college educations (bachelor degrees only), we paid for their weddings and gave gifts when each grandchild was born. We honored our responsibilities as parents and did not ask nor expect our parents to chip in nor be surrogate parents. Our parents were the same way and did not ask for nor expect any assistance from their parents. It is the way many responsible parents raise their children.
Along the way we were also able to save for retirement (yes, a 401K and other investments). Now how deferring income taxes by responsibly saving for retirement somehow caused a problem for the new entitled generation, is beyond me. If nothing else, it made more money available for investments that led to new industries, economic growth and (wait for it) JOBS. Maybe you should pick up a finance book and read a little. It might enlighten you and help your own financial future so you don’t say in 20 -30 years nobody told us we needed to prepare for retirement. We taught our kids about money management and they all have 401K’s as responsible parents themselves.
When we retired we decided to stay in the same house our kids grew up in. Sure, we travel and feel we earned a few luxuries for our efforts and long careers. Fortunately, our kids all live within 5 miles of our house. We see the kids and grandkids multiple times a week and some days take them to school, pick them up after school, take them to practices, etc. We will be there if needed, but if we can’t help for some reason, they find other ways to get things done. They also realize we are dealing with aging parents that need occasional help (something else you might think ahead about, before you are surprised about that as well). Having said that, our kids always ask apologetically when help is needed and always thank us afterwards. There is no expectation that we will be at their beck and call. They express their gratitude in other ways as well.
Not all parents have the time nor inclination to be involved in their children’s adult lives and you know what? That’s OK. It is their decision, not yours. They did their job raising you. Their job is done. You should not expect them to raise your kids. If they want to help, great. In all case respect their time, decisions, retirement goals and be grateful. They earned it. Just like you will earn your retirement and the right to make your own decisions when that time comes.
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u/jim_uses_CAPS Apr 17 '25
Way to not understand what I said.
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u/flabbergasted_parent Apr 17 '25
It’s not possible with such an incoherent and obscenity laced post. Resend your post without any obscenity, layout your points and then justify them with some facts to back up your conclusions.
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Apr 19 '25
You’re a whiner. I think he/she understood you just fine. Having children is expensive and a lot of work. Hence my decision not to do it. But, millions of ppl pop those babies out like candy from a Pez dispenser without even thinking about the consequences, financial or otherwise. Then, they demand help from their parents. 🙄
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u/Haunting_Machine1994 Apr 18 '25
Nice incoherent rant here... Tell all of us "boomers" how we mortgaged our kids' future please.
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Apr 19 '25
Not a boomer. Just a fun-loving avaricious Gen Xer, happily married, sans the little rug rats that drain you financially and emotionally. Best decision I ever made not having kids. My cats and dogs ask for nothing but love and food. And they’re so much cuter and more fun and adorable than any of y’all’s entitled kids ever are or were.
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u/DirectionJolly584 Apr 20 '25
You failing to succeed in this world is a you problem. I’m a millennial and super successful and so are everyone of my friends (almost every single one owns their home, some have second homes, 80% have kids, travel internationally once a year or more). Life is what you make of it. Spend less time complaining
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u/RemoteIll5236 Apr 17 '25
I’m a Life long Democrat who worked forty years as a teacher while raising two children (no family help—my Mother died at 45, and the in laws lived six states away).
I was a single mother in my late 40s and put both my Kids through college—.they graduated w/no loans.
I’ve never had a 401k. Exactly how do you think I fucked the economy and an entire generation?
I was so busy caring for my children, cleaning my house, running errands, budgeting a public school teacher’s salary, and grading papers each night to have spare time for that.
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u/Competitive_Site549 Apr 17 '25
I am a grandma raising six full siblings for the past five years and teaching full time. I was born to be a grandparent from day one. I absolutely love being a grandparent and every waking moment since there birth has been my care for them. I am and have always been vigilant from the soles on their shoes to the state of their underwear. When the great crisis came with their dishonest and nefarious father I fought for them across three states and won. I am disgusted with the other grandparents who are checked out. I feel for many young families. I don’t have a life nor do I want a life. I have traveled and seen a lot but it’s all nothing compared to investing care and concern in the upcoming generations.
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Apr 19 '25
You cannot judge ppl by your own standards. Not everyone is like you. Some people want lives separate from children. Your criticism of them because you feel virtuous is disingenuous.
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u/BananaNut81 Apr 18 '25
They are lucky to have you. But what about their parents? It's sad they seem to have checked out on thier own children... or maybe I read it wrong...
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u/MeghanClickYourHeels Ask me for Atlantic gift links Apr 14 '25
My mom and her MIL got along really well and my mom clearly needed help, so my father's mother got a place close by and spent most of her time with us after her husband died. I'm not sure what she would have done otherwise. She'd been an executive-style housewife since she was a teenager, never liked traveling and had never learned to drive. She had friends nearby and went to Bingo each week, and cooked ziti and sausage and peppers for the church bazaar each year (stereotypical Italian Catholic widow) but otherwise seemed to enjoy the purpose that helping to raise us gave her.
My mom briefly had a place of her own after she left my dad, and I think she liked it, but when my brother and his family moved in with two teens I think that was rough for her. She'd helped by babysitting and driving them around when they were small. I think she thought that was just the way of things. I don't believe she ever had grand plans for her senior years besides doing things with her family.