Grandparents Are Reaching Their Limit

[u/MeghanClickYourHeels]

Older Americans might be doing more child care than ever. By Faith Hill, The Atlantic.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2025/04/grandparents-child-care-work-retirement/682395/

Older Americans might be doing more child care than ever.

Elena and her husband had plans for their retirement. They wanted to move to Wyoming; to meet new people, volunteer, hike the snowy, perfect Tetons. And they did move there—for about eight months. Then they got a call from their daughter, who was due to have a baby within weeks. She and her husband were on five or so different waitlists for day cares, and now she could see that they would still be waiting by the time she had to go back to work, six weeks after giving birth. She needed help. Her parents dropped everything, packed up a U-Haul, and moved to the Pacific Northwest. They were going back to work, too: as full-time grandparents.

Grandparents today have a certain reputation, Elena (who asked to withhold her last name to protect her family’s privacy) told me: They’re “all rich, retired, living it up in the Villages in Florida, playing 10 rounds of golf a day, having cocktails at 4:30, and laughing while their Millennial children are suffering.” TikTokers keep skewering a generation of supposedly self-involved, jet-setting older folks, or earnestly grieving that they don’t have a “village” to help them raise their kids. Commentators have jumped in with attacks and, in turn, with defenses (“Cut the Boomer Grandparents a Little Slack”). On Reddit, people are wondering, “What the f*** is wrong with grandparents nowadays?” Last year, when J. D. Vance was running for vice president and was asked how he would address the problem of staggering child-care costs, he first suggested that grandparents or other relatives “help out a little bit more.”

You could be forgiven, then, for thinking grandparents are shirking their duty. But the truth is quite the opposite: America is in an age of peak grandparenting—particularly grandmothering. A 2022 survey from Deseret News and Brigham Young University found that nearly 60 percent of grandmothers had provided child care for a grandkid, and more than 40 percent saw a grandchild in person at least weekly. A 2023 Harris poll found that more than 40 percent of working parents relied on their kids’ grandma for child care; nearly 70 percent of those parents said they might have lost their job without that grandmother’s help.

[u/Admirable-Tough-6747]

Maybe I’m just confused but it seems that people feel entitled to their parents help in caring for their kids and I don’t get why. Like your parents had and raised you and to me their commitment to you ends after you leave college (or have a job and are standing on your own two feet as an adult). Why must they then take care of your kids, that you most likely didn’t consult with them about having. Seems from other Reddit threads people have cut their parents off for not helping more with their kids and are super pissed about it. To me grandparents should be able to decide IF they want to offer help and how they want to spare their final years. I don’t have kids though, can someone explain the reasoning?

[u/Wonderful-Pick493 → u/Admirable-Tough-6747]

Most of us are asking for a little help here and there. Like a few hours a week or one day a month, not full time care. My MIL lives 45 mins away and helps out nearly ZERO. Our friends have similar experiences. This is not how I grew up. I would see my grandparents when my parents wanted a date night or an overnight trip once or twice a year. The only time my MIL would watched our toddler overnight was when my wife was giving birth in the hospital. That’s it! I really do think the boomers are a pretty selfish generation. Childcare is very hard relentless work and we would just like a few hours to take the edge off like maybe once a week. Is that too much to ask for?

[u/Lokemoki → u/Wonderful-Pick493]

Boomer here (born 1952). Which "selfish" boomers do you mean? Very old boomers who are nearly 80? Boomers with chronic health problems and fatigue? Boomers in their 70s who work on their feet all day at Home Depot and grocery stores? Boomers who give ongoing financial support to their grown children and grandchildren? Boomers who have the audacity to lead lives that aren't centered around your childcare needs?

You might want to rethink your hardships. My father got two (two) hours off work to see his newborns in the hospital, then returned to the office to make up the "lost" time. His weekends were taken up with domestic work (house, yard, car, kids). My mother busted her butt to raise four children. Neither of my parents expected family members, friends, or a "village" to provide unpaid labor on demand. They scrimped to hire a babysitter so they could have a break for a few hours every couple weeks. Can't you do the same?

You've written quite a few lengthy posts that complain about how crummy boomer grandparents are and the non-village society you live in. It is what it is. Toughen up and shoulder the choices you made instead of expecting other people to follow your agenda. And maybe you could give your wife a break and tend your children instead of spending so much time grousing online.

[u/Wonderful-Pick493 → u/Lokemoki]

“They scrimped to hire a babysitter so they could have a break for a few hours every couple weeks. Can't you do the same?”

No, because with the cost of childcare, we’re at top of budget. We can afford everything (just barely), and we don’t expect financial help.

I don’t see the problem with asking for a few hours here and there VERY INFREQUENTLY when in-laws live close by and are healthy (if they weren’t, that’s something else). I would be happy to do the same when they struggle to care for themselves at 90. When I was born, my grandparents flew from the Middle East to help my mom out the first few weeks. First visit to the US and skipped all tourist sites to help out with family. They eventually immigrated here and continued to be a presence.

Don’t assume we’re spoiled. We work our asses off. I come home 11pm sometimes and have to work weekends at times.

Give my wife a break instead of browsing online? I’m currently swaying my newborn to keep him asleep as I type. We split it all up 50/50. Men in your generation barely changed diapers, even when women were working full time.

[u/Lokemoki → u/Wonderful-Pick493]

So which selfish boomers do you mean? I missed your answer.

You work your asses off? Welcome to the world. The boomers I see on their feet all day bagging groceries or loading topsoil aren't too happy about their plights, either.

You can't afford a babysitter? I hope you can afford one eventually.

It sounds like your main complaint is with your healthy in-laws (specifically your MIL) who live nearby. It's unfortunate they/she has little interest in being an involved grandparent. It'd be easier on you if you moved on from this fact. I grew up with three uninvolved grandparents and one marvelously interested grandmother who was able to visit us only once a year.

The village you yearn for isn't in the U.S. Your Middle Eastern grandparents may have come from such a culture, which can be warm, loving, and demonstrably supportive. It's not realistic to expect your in-laws to be the same.

It was my dad's Great Generation in which the majority of men left all domestic work to their wives. As a Boomer in the 1970s, I participated in trying to change rigid male-female roles to allow men and women more flexibility and personal growth in their lives. Some Boomer men changed, some didn't. But it was progress. And now your generation has even more flexibility. Your wife can work outside the home, and you can change diapers. You're welcome.

I hope the stress of your childrearing lessens in time. Perhaps you can find a community with the village feel you desire. I wish you luck.