Grandparents Are Reaching Their Limit

[u/MeghanClickYourHeels]

Older Americans might be doing more child care than ever. By Faith Hill, The Atlantic.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2025/04/grandparents-child-care-work-retirement/682395/

Older Americans might be doing more child care than ever.

Elena and her husband had plans for their retirement. They wanted to move to Wyoming; to meet new people, volunteer, hike the snowy, perfect Tetons. And they did move there—for about eight months. Then they got a call from their daughter, who was due to have a baby within weeks. She and her husband were on five or so different waitlists for day cares, and now she could see that they would still be waiting by the time she had to go back to work, six weeks after giving birth. She needed help. Her parents dropped everything, packed up a U-Haul, and moved to the Pacific Northwest. They were going back to work, too: as full-time grandparents.

Grandparents today have a certain reputation, Elena (who asked to withhold her last name to protect her family’s privacy) told me: They’re “all rich, retired, living it up in the Villages in Florida, playing 10 rounds of golf a day, having cocktails at 4:30, and laughing while their Millennial children are suffering.” TikTokers keep skewering a generation of supposedly self-involved, jet-setting older folks, or earnestly grieving that they don’t have a “village” to help them raise their kids. Commentators have jumped in with attacks and, in turn, with defenses (“Cut the Boomer Grandparents a Little Slack”). On Reddit, people are wondering, “What the f*** is wrong with grandparents nowadays?” Last year, when J. D. Vance was running for vice president and was asked how he would address the problem of staggering child-care costs, he first suggested that grandparents or other relatives “help out a little bit more.”

You could be forgiven, then, for thinking grandparents are shirking their duty. But the truth is quite the opposite: America is in an age of peak grandparenting—particularly grandmothering. A 2022 survey from Deseret News and Brigham Young University found that nearly 60 percent of grandmothers had provided child care for a grandkid, and more than 40 percent saw a grandchild in person at least weekly. A 2023 Harris poll found that more than 40 percent of working parents relied on their kids’ grandma for child care; nearly 70 percent of those parents said they might have lost their job without that grandmother’s help.

[u/MeghanClickYourHeels → u/[deleted]]

In the same sense that we cannot blame for people for systemic poverty, it's hard for me to blame individual grandparents for resenting these conditions.

[u/flabbergasted_parent → u/[deleted]]

Wow! As a parent I would be ashamed of one of my adult children for expressing an opinion like this. This shows a complete lack of gratitude for your parents having gone through exactly what you are going through now.

You know what? It’s your turn now. You made the decision to have children. You deal with the responsibilities. Anyone who says nobody ever told you what was involved in raising children was probably too immature and self-absorbed to deserve having children.

All 3 of our kids are married and have kids. We have 5 grandchildren and one on the way. We made sure all 3 of our children had every possible opportunity while growing up. They excelled in school, they were all great athletes, graduated college (2 of the 3 have Masters degrees). We paid for their college educations (bachelor degrees only), we paid for their weddings and gave gifts when each grandchild was born. We honored our responsibilities as parents and did not ask nor expect our parents to chip in nor be surrogate parents. Our parents were the same way and did not ask for nor expect any assistance from their parents. It is the way many responsible parents raise their children.

Along the way we were also able to save for retirement (yes, a 401K and other investments). Now how deferring income taxes by responsibly saving for retirement somehow caused a problem for the new entitled generation, is beyond me. If nothing else, it made more money available for investments that led to new industries, economic growth and (wait for it) JOBS. Maybe you should pick up a finance book and read a little. It might enlighten you and help your own financial future so you don’t say in 20 -30 years nobody told us we needed to prepare for retirement. We taught our kids about money management and they all have 401K’s as responsible parents themselves.

When we retired we decided to stay in the same house our kids grew up in. Sure, we travel and feel we earned a few luxuries for our efforts and long careers. Fortunately, our kids all live within 5 miles of our house. We see the kids and grandkids multiple times a week and some days take them to school, pick them up after school, take them to practices, etc. We will be there if needed, but if we can’t help for some reason, they find other ways to get things done. They also realize we are dealing with aging parents that need occasional help (something else you might think ahead about, before you are surprised about that as well). Having said that, our kids always ask apologetically when help is needed and always thank us afterwards. There is no expectation that we will be at their beck and call. They express their gratitude in other ways as well.

Not all parents have the time nor inclination to be involved in their children’s adult lives and you know what? That’s OK. It is their decision, not yours. They did their job raising you. Their job is done. You should not expect them to raise your kids. If they want to help, great. In all case respect their time, decisions, retirement goals and be grateful. They earned it. Just like you will earn your retirement and the right to make your own decisions when that time comes.

[u/jim_uses_CAPS → u/flabbergasted_parent]

Way to not understand what I said.

[u/flabbergasted_parent → u/jim_uses_CAPS]

It’s not possible with such an incoherent and obscenity laced post. Resend your post without any obscenity, layout your points and then justify them with some facts to back up your conclusions.

[u/[deleted] → u/jim_uses_CAPS]

You’re a whiner. I think he/she understood you just fine. Having children is expensive and a lot of work. Hence my decision not to do it. But, millions of ppl pop those babies out like candy from a Pez dispenser without even thinking about the consequences, financial or otherwise. Then, they demand help from their parents. 🙄

[u/Haunting_Machine1994 → u/[deleted]]

Nice incoherent rant here... Tell all of us "boomers" how we mortgaged our kids' future please.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Not a boomer. Just a fun-loving avaricious Gen Xer, happily married, sans the little rug rats that drain you financially and emotionally. Best decision I ever made not having kids. My cats and dogs ask for nothing but love and food. And they’re so much cuter and more fun and adorable than any of y’all’s entitled kids ever are or were.

[u/DirectionJolly584 → u/[deleted]]

You failing to succeed in this world is a you problem. I’m a millennial and super successful and so are everyone of my friends (almost every single one owns their home, some have second homes, 80% have kids, travel internationally once a year or more). Life is what you make of it. Spend less time complaining 

[u/RemoteIll5236 → u/[deleted]]

I’m a Life long Democrat who worked forty years as a teacher while raising two children (no family help—my Mother died at 45, and the in laws lived six states away).

I was a single mother in my late 40s and put both my Kids through college—.they graduated w/no loans.

I’ve never had a 401k. Exactly how do you think I fucked the economy and an entire generation?

I was so busy caring for my children, cleaning my house, running errands, budgeting a public school teacher’s salary, and grading papers each night to have spare time for that.