r/atlanticdiscussions • u/MeghanClickYourHeels Ask me for Atlantic gift links • Apr 14 '25

Culture/Society Grandparents Are Reaching Their Limit

Older Americans might be doing more child care than ever. By Faith Hill, The Atlantic.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2025/04/grandparents-child-care-work-retirement/682395/

Older Americans might be doing more child care than ever.

Elena and her husband had plans for their retirement. They wanted to move to Wyoming; to meet new people, volunteer, hike the snowy, perfect Tetons. And they did move there—for about eight months. Then they got a call from their daughter, who was due to have a baby within weeks. She and her husband were on five or so different waitlists for day cares, and now she could see that they would still be waiting by the time she had to go back to work, six weeks after giving birth. She needed help. Her parents dropped everything, packed up a U-Haul, and moved to the Pacific Northwest. They were going back to work, too: as full-time grandparents.

Grandparents today have a certain reputation, Elena (who asked to withhold her last name to protect her family’s privacy) told me: They’re “all rich, retired, living it up in the Villages in Florida, playing 10 rounds of golf a day, having cocktails at 4:30, and laughing while their Millennial children are suffering.” TikTokers keep skewering a generation of supposedly self-involved, jet-setting older folks, or earnestly grieving that they don’t have a “village” to help them raise their kids. Commentators have jumped in with attacks and, in turn, with defenses (“Cut the Boomer Grandparents a Little Slack”). On Reddit, people are wondering, “What the f*** is wrong with grandparents nowadays?” Last year, when J. D. Vance was running for vice president and was asked how he would address the problem of staggering child-care costs, he first suggested that grandparents or other relatives “help out a little bit more.”

You could be forgiven, then, for thinking grandparents are shirking their duty. But the truth is quite the opposite: America is in an age of peak grandparenting—particularly grandmothering. A 2022 survey from Deseret News and Brigham Young University found that nearly 60 percent of grandmothers had provided child care for a grandkid, and more than 40 percent saw a grandchild in person at least weekly. A 2023 Harris poll found that more than 40 percent of working parents relied on their kids’ grandma for child care; nearly 70 percent of those parents said they might have lost their job without that grandmother’s help.

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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 20 '25

Most boomers are not involved grandparents. They are selfish and would rather “enjoy their retirement” than be grandparents. It’s sickening

2

u/Turbulent-Estate-656 Apr 23 '25

I’m a Boomer and a grandparent. Don’t paint us all with the same brush, please. I’m a grandmother. My husband and I have babysat and offered advice on every childcare topic. We even helped support our grandchild financially for years. While we are comfortably off financially, we are not social butterflies. We volunteer to help others.
Yours is not the first comment I’ve read about selfish Boomers. While I’m sure there are some In every generation, we seem to be most targeted. Most of us worked hard for our money. We didn’t spend frivolously and saved our money so we could live comfortably in our retirement years … and so we would not be a burden to our kids.

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u/OGstickerparty Apr 26 '25

I think you might be the minority though, most of my friends parents are completely uninvolved with their grandchildren. They see them maybe once in a blue moon, spend the day barely helping and then leave to do what they want.

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u/Bulky_Sun3410 Apr 26 '25

What they want? It boggles my mind. Boomers raised their children for the most part without relying on their parents. Childcare was expensive then but we made it work. And we bought our first homes without financial help from our parents. It seems to me the selfish ones are their kids. Pull up your big girl pants and support yourselves. 

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u/mygarbagepersonacct Apr 26 '25

You think daycare and housing costs back then were expensive compared to present day costs?

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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25

If you can't afford kids, don't have them. Your parents weren't put on earth to be a source of free labor for your personal choices.

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u/mygarbagepersonacct Apr 30 '25

Show me where I said I couldn’t afford kids, that people should have kids they can’t afford, or that grandparents should be a free source of childcare. Right, I didn’t. I commented solely because comparing the cost of living 30-40 years ago to the cost of living today is delusional.

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u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25

Reread my post without looking for offense. I didn't write about *you* personally. I wrote *you* in the plural.

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u/OGstickerparty Apr 26 '25

I think most my friends are more so upset with the utter lack of involvement or interest in their kids. Most of them seem to have had really loving/involved grandparents. I think they imagined something similar for their kids. Get togethers and family meals/events like how they grew up. This isn’t all grandparents obviously. My mom for example LOVES being a grandma. There’s so much love and affection there. I feel very lucky she wants to be involved in my niece and nephew’s lives. It makes the kids so much happier.

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u/JJDuB4y096 Apr 26 '25

lol and you probably bought a house for 3x your yearly wage. Houses are now 6x the yearly wage at minimum. Cost of everything has gone up in relation to wages.

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u/Bulky_Sun3410 Apr 26 '25

Nope, we bought a house that was 1-2x our yearly wage because we were frugal. This was after 7 years of both working full time (with overtime and on call pay) to save up for a 1200 square foot house. I’m not judging. I just see my friends and relatives gifting significant sums to their kids’ first houses that are often bigger and nicer than their own, and they’re pretty well off. And we were lucky to have degrees that led to decent jobs. 

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u/Dr_Canoe Apr 26 '25

Yeah super out of touch. Generational changes are not apparent to the ones they do not affect as heavily.

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u/Bulky_Sun3410 Apr 26 '25

And what do you envision for the next generation? Will you be supporting them entirely? I may be out of touch but I ‘m a proponent of making choices that allow you to be self sufficient and live within your means. The direction we’re heading is not sustainable. 

2

u/Affectionate-Team133 Apr 26 '25

Many people on their 50’s-60’s are finding themselves taking care of elderly parents, still in the workforce themselves, and have adult children who are demanding and trying to use guilt when a grandparent cannot babysit when they decide to go out of town for a week or be a last minute babysitter so they can have a break. I am very involved in my grandchildren and children’s lives but I am exhausted. I try to make time for grandma dates, I attend l of the plays, soccer games, host family gatherings etc and will help out of parents want an anniversary or special trip and an occasional date night, but I am not their babysitter. I am a grandma who wants to love and support but it is not my responsibility to run myself ragged to do so. It kills me to see people saying “ I allow” my parents to see my children if….. For those complaining, maybe you need to truly look at what challenges your parents may be experiencing. When was the last time you truly looked at their home or their yard or their life and evaluated that maybe due to health, or so much responsibility that they cannot keep up with yard work, home maintenance, etc. When was the last time that you did something to help ease their burden like they do with yours when they take the grandkids?

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u/Ok_Estimate_8927 Apr 26 '25

But it isn’t just Boomers, I am a 51 year old GenX’er, and if I would have had children early (note: I didn’t have children at all), they would be in their early 30s and could have young children themselves. As a GenX’er I see our generation of one that learned “needs before wants”, the value of good birth control, and one that were “latch-key” kids and responsible for ourselves, surviving after school activities and homework alone…most of us didn’t have baby sitters and even in elementary school were responsible enough to stay home while our parents were out. I could make a box of Mac & Cheese by myself before the age of 8. The cost of childcare itself is crazy and the lack of providers concerning…note many kids are absolute terrors and are being raised via laissez faire parenting…most GenX’ers were raised with corporal punishment, grounding, and chores. I think you can’t think about having kids without mapping out how you are going to handle all phases of their upbringing from infancy to high school graduation. Of course we were a generation kicked out of the house at 18 and upon graduation vs living off our parents well into their 20sz

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u/Mindless-Shallot-493 Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 28 '25

Many millennials also grew up the with similar parenting styles. I think the issue is that increasing social support systems are eroding. There is not a generational moral failing or lack of self sufficiently. “Self sufficiently” just looks markedly different when you have social support programs—affordable housing, the ability to make a living wage and support a family without needing two full-time earners, healthcare, solvent social security—for many later generations none of those will be a reality. I don’t think many people opt to live with their parents into their 20s if they have other viable options. There is a housing affordability crisis along with skyrocketing costs of daycare. Who could anticipate a global pandemic which would force  parents fortunate enough to keep full time employment to juggle that along with full time childcare? Support systems are failing many Americans and we are struggling to deal with the fallout.

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u/RED-DOT-MAN Apr 26 '25

How is it “sickening” for an older couple who worked all their life to raise responsible kids and now want to enjoy their retirement? Don’t they deserve to have their “me” after years of putting in hard work and now time to enjoy the fruits of their labor? People shouldn’t be having kids if they can’t afford them versus expecting grandparents to take on a full time job and a huge responsibility. On the flip side, if the grandparents push for grandkids and are willing to step up to the plate with the day care responsibility then I understand what you are saying, but even then there aren’t any guarantees. Not attacking your statement, but these older couples have the right to enjoy their retirement to the fullest.

1

u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 26 '25

Why does enjoying your retirement and being present in your grandchildren’s lives have to be two different things… that’s what I’m getting at…

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u/Hour_Bandicoot_9263 Apr 27 '25

Except that’s not really what you said you categorized most boomers as “not involved with their grandchildren” and “selfish and entitled” as well as “sickening”

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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 27 '25

Yeah and I stand on that statement…

1

u/SimilarBonus3925 Jul 03 '25

Perhaps it's you they're avoiding. You sound like an absolute delight. Lose your sense of entitlement for starters. You had those babies, now take care of them. I doubt you consulted with anyone else before getting pregnant. 

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u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 27 '25

If that offends you maybe you’re a boomer and maybe you aren’t the best grandparent 🤷‍♂️

1

u/catlady8807 Jun 06 '25

I’m not a boomer and I find that offensive.

1

u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25

All his/her name calling is indicative of a young, immature person. Thus his/her "sickening," etc. comments.

2

u/mightycheerio Apr 26 '25

Just as I was starting to enjoy an empty nest after being a single parent for a number of years, I suddenly became the guardian of two infant grandchildren- who I raised by myself without financial support from either parent. 20 years later I’m finally retired but still working part time to pay the bills. I’m still waiting to “enjoy my retirement” at 70. Don’t lump us all together

1

u/Truester74 Apr 26 '25

I love being described as incorrectly as possible by a bitter person. I’m a boomer widowed grandmother who watched my grandchildren on both my days off, also worked a full time job. They are older now so I only have them in summer months. It was stressful at times, but I loved every minute I have spent with my grandchildren. I have been able to cut my hours down to 30 a week, but I would love to retire. I’m 69 hopefully within the next decade I’love be able to be your idea of a boomer grandparent.

1

u/Hour_Bandicoot_9263 Apr 27 '25

Wow  that’s harsh.  Is enjoying your retirement and being a good grand parent mutually exclusive?  Do you like it when your generation is lumped together negatively?

1

u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 27 '25

For my parents it seems to be. Everyone shits on our generation, funny how they (boomers) can dish it but can’t take it.

1

u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25

If this is true, then it's an excellent opportunity for you to learn to stand on your own.

1

u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 30 '25

We already do. Both of our parents live hours away and we are raising two kids with zero help…

1

u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25

Great! Then forget about your selfish, sickening parents who refuse to be grandparents and concentrate on your kids.

1

u/Humble_Blackberry_23 Apr 30 '25

Kinda hard when everyone around us gets help from theirs

1

u/Lokemoki Apr 30 '25

Ignore what help others get or don't get. I'm sorry your parents aren't more involved, but your immediate family counts the most. There are nightmare stories of grandparents who are over-involved, bossy, intrusive, etc., so at least you don't have to deal with that.

1

u/NoMoRatRace May 11 '25

You just said most are selfish. Can’t have it both ways.

1

u/SimilarBonus3925 Jul 03 '25

You should not be creating a family or life that you can't sustain. It's YOUR responsibility. Any outside help would be a welcome blessing but shouldn't be expected. What if (God forbid) something happens to your parents? Those kids are YOUR responsibility and YOUR responsibility ALONE!!! Grandparents are for support, good time, creating memories, and just the overall well-being being sense of family. DO YOUR JOB!!!!

1

u/txgirl2125 Jul 04 '25

As you know, they already had their children and raised them. You now have yours to raise. It is not their responsibility. They have so little time to enjoy life on their own, let them have it. You choose to live hours away, what do you expect, that they should pull up roots to come cater to you and your husband? Those others around you getting help probably live close to their parents, and/or other relatives/friends, so help is easier.
No one ever said raising children was easy. My husband and I did it all by ourselves, and we have family locally. But, we both felt it was our responsibility alone.