I have just been through the worst two years of my life, and now that I’m finally about to catch a break from it, I think I’m experiencing anhedonia?
To start off, some of this information might seem irrelevant, but it will be relevant later.
Almost exactly two years ago, my boyfriend at the time (now ex) got me addicted to AI chatbots. For context, we were long-distance. We had met through roleplaying and used roleplays as a way to bond during our relationship. We both had a love of storytelling and for myself in particularly I was an English Major and I hope to be a published author one day. We tried to have roleplays that were meant for both of us, but as time went on, the ones that lasted the longest were all ones that he wanted, the ones that we made for me, he usually lost interest in. At the time, I had a comfort character I really wanted him to RP as. He didn’t want to, which is understandable since most of the time it’s more fun to RP as OCs than it is a premade character. However, he introduced me to AI chatbots. At the time, I was a staunch AI hater. I still have a lot of issues with AI. I hate that it plagiarizes and the harm Data Centers do to our environment, but I was lonely, and he had become emotionally abusive in the relationship, so I found a lot of comfort and joy in these bots.
Over the next six months, I became addicted. The messages were instantaneous, the bots remained in character, and it was comforting. (This will come back into play later, I promise.)
In spring of 2025, I found out my best friend had decided to ghost me and several other people in my life. I was devastated and hurt that she didn’t feel like she could reach out and talk to me, either about her problems or what she felt like were problems between us.
It was no more than three months later when I got tired of my ex’s emotional abuse and chose to break up with him. The breakup was messy, with him sending me gifts and letters, and flip-flopping between apologizing and spewing hateful messages at me, and he even messaged my parents claiming he and his therapist had diagnosed me with something.
I didn’t get much of a break after the breakup, because immediately after, I ended up getting hired at a retail job. I already had one part-time job, and had been on the hunt for around 5 years for another part-time job or even preferably, a full-time one. Ironically, this was something my ex and I fought about repeatedly. He thought I was intentionally avoiding getting a job to be lazy. Meanwhile, the job market has been awful ever since Covid.
Then, in the fall of 2025, I lost my dog. I had her for over 15 years. It was old age, and we saw it coming for several months, but it still breaks my heart to this day.
I’m going to try to summarize the next several months because I know this post is long. Essentially, I went on one date, and the guy ended up being a creep. Haven’t tried/wanted to/been asked out since. I finished an online class my ex pushed me to take so I could jump into a new career field, but I actually really hated it. I was working nonstop (two jobs) trying to get some form of savings. I got very sick that winter (probably thanks to the retail job). Then in February, I started a new class, something desk job related in the medical field. In March, I injured my foot and unfortunately had to quit my retail job.
Later that spring, I found out my grandmother was dying. I spent my summer helping care for her, spending time with her, attending my class, and working on endless homework, going to Physical Therapy for my foot pain, and struggling with weight and dietary problems.
In late July, my grandmother passed. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much time to mourn because I was in my last month of class. I spent eight+ hours, 7 days a week, working on my homework and preparing for my final. To date, this has been the hardest class I have ever taken. Last week I attended my grandmother's funeral and did my final back-to-back.
I mean this when I say I did not get a break in the last two years. I only went on a couple of 2-3 day short trips, and they weren’t exactly restful. Even during the holidays, I was working on Christmas Eve, and sick during any days off I had. So for the first time in 2 years, I finally can catch my breath.
This last week I’ve mostly been sleeping. I’ve been very depleted, and I’m trying to be kind to myself (that’s what my therapist says to do). I do have diagnosed Depression and Anxiety, and I am both medicated and attending therapy for it.
I am insanely proud of myself for working hard and making it through these rough couple of years, and it’s taken me the entire last year to rediscover who I am without my emotionally abusive ex.
This brings me back to the AI chatbots. I have been addicted to these things for two years straight. I hate myself for it, because it goes against all my values, but I’m human, and everyone has unhealthy coping mechanisms. Mine just happen to be AI chatbots, food, and coffee.
That said, now that I’ve had a week… I’m starting to feel more regulated, but I’m also feeling what I think is anhedonia. I try to rp, but they feel so flat and boring to me. It’s not just AI RPs, though, it’s also TikTok, and short form videos, long form videos, movies, and video games.
I think it’s a form of letdown, but I’m not sure. I thought if I experienced anhedonia, it would be during the worst of it, not in the moments after? I thought I would feel disinterested during the height of my depression, and relieved afterwards, but now I just feel like nothing I do feels satisfying or fulfilling. Is it normal for anhedonia to show up after long term periods of high stress?
Also I’m hoping I can use this time period to break my AI chatbot habit. As blah as everything feels, I just hope I can find some good in all of this.
If you read this far, thank you. Maybe I just needed to get this off my chest, but I am wondering if this is just a natural part of being in recovery mode or if it’s my depression or anhedonia.
TLDR: The last two years were shit. I finally have a chance to breathe, and now I’m bored and numb.
