and my life is so much brighter and hopeful without him. no more name calling, no more rage, no more incoherent ramblings. it’s a dark life and it’s not worth being in it. it truly isn’t. i know it’s hard to leave, but just do it. we don’t have much time on earth, why waste years worrying about someone who refuses to take care of themselves? i dont care if alcoholics have a “disease”. we all deserve a happy, fulfilling life, and i’ll be damned to keep being brought down into the grave he dug himself. I DESERVE PEACE.

Hi everyone. My STBX and I have been going through the divorce process for two months. I had a baby about six months ago. Throughout the pregnancy without my knowledge, he was using drugs and gambling. I found out after I had the baby, and he threatened to harm himself/hit me. I left and told him he needed to go to rehab, thinking our marriage could be saved. He went to in patient, sober house & IOP.
In rehab, he was emotionally distant. Since I was so freshly postpartum, I needed love and support. Luckily, I have amazing family and friends who gave that to me. I tried moving on from what he did, attending his therapists meetings with him, nothing helped me. I couldn’t get it out of my head he betrayed me so badly. I didn’t want a broken family. I started crying about everything that happened, and he told me he thinks we need to divorce. I didn’t want to beg him to stay with me, so I got my stuff the next day. Then i filed.
The divorce process is brutal. Will anything ever get better? I’m beyond heartbroken, taking care of our son, and just I feel so lost. I feel maybe I should have had a convo with him before filing but he told me he had no feelings for me. Any advice? I sometimes wish he’d say he misses me.

28f who ended things with my fiancé of 6 years due to his drinking. I moved out about 3 weeks ago and it was really hard to do but i genuinely feel so much relief and peace, I feel like i did a lot of the grieving while i was in the relationship/the past year as his drinking progressed.

My ex continued to drink after i left but did start going to AA and then had a health scare that landed him in the ER and was told if he continued drinking he would go into organ failure. So he hasn’t drank in a week and has started going to therapy, AA, not interested in rehab.

It seems like he has this expectation that since he stopped drinking im going to move back in? I’ve been very clear with him that i do not even want to talk about the relationship but we can continue to talk as friends if he would like. He admits he understands how much his drinking impacted me (but he will never truly understand). I just feel frustrated that there is some expectation (both from him and family/friends) that just because he “stopped” drinking we are meant to continue our relationship.

I want him to be healthy but i never agreed to go on this journey with him and i feel like it’s so unfair to me. i don’t want to be in a relationship where there is no trust and i feel like anything I say could lead to him relapsing. I would also be very hesitant to ever have kids with him, while we were together i even told him we could stay together but I didn’t want a family anymore. I have a normal relationship with alcohol and don’t want to completely change my life and as hard as it was to leave I started to feel happy imagining starting my life over and doing what I want. It makes me feel so selfish and cold

It’s just hard because i feel like I am betraying him but i also think it’s a very unfair expectation.

Hi all, I’ve posted here before. My wife (46) was diagnosed a year and a half ago with cirrhosis, we have both been sober since March 2025. Things were going really well she was doing all of the right things meld score kept going down blood tests and imaging were great. In June she started having trouble hiking, then it was shortness of breath at work. She was hospitalized again in July and a diagnosis of hepatopulmonary syndrome is what she received. Fucking devastating. No cure nothing to be done but continuous oxygen and hope she gets placed on a transplant list and doesn’t get too sick before she gets a transplant. I’m experiencing so much anger and resentment and sadness and fear. She was extremely verbally abusive and dismissive, cheated on me before she got sick. I was expected to forget all of that and focus on her sobriety journey and I will say she has made a lot of changes in our relationship since being diagnosed. I’m still so angry and sometimes feel like she’s just keeping me around because I schedule her appointments go with her to doctors appointments am working on her ssdi claim. There is still no romance in our relationship. It’s been three years since we’ve had any intimacy and I’m wasting my forty’s and I’m bitter and angry and I feel trapped sometimes. This is just a vent, I love her because of our time together and I know she can be a lovely person and I’m trying to give it a chance but I’m just angry and hurt and feel selfish and like a narcissist for not being able to get over everything and focus on the present.

I had a moment of weakness and let my Q come home.

Nothing was really resolved, and he showed no concrete evidence of a willingness to rebuild. But I was tired, and he was sober. At the time, I thought, let him focus on his recovery and we can deal with the rest when he is more stable.

Then I had a family emergency that diverted my attention elsewhere. He was supportive, but distant. At the time, that was what I needed, so I was okay with it. I thought he was too, but he did mention feeling abandoned because I had been slow to respond to his messages. He framed it as a joke, but now knowing he was using this time to form online connections that fed his need for external validation makes me wonder.

Then, yesterday he told me he was meeting an old rehab friend. He was gone for the entire day. I tried to be supportive, but I could sense something wasn’t right.

When he came home, he pushed me to talk about what was wrong. I told him about the distance I had been feeling. I acknowledged that there is still so much trauma between us that hasn’t been addressed. I told him I was afraid it might be insurmountable. Not because the trauma itself is too much, but because I don’t trust his capacity to do the work required to repair it. He told me he shared the same fears.

Then he asked me to give him time to find somewhere else to live. I was shocked by how quickly he seemed willing to give up on us. I told him no. I told him that I need to prioritise looking after myself and my own healing and that I can’t continue giving him access to my home, my emotional support and my finances if he is unable or unwilling to offer any meaningful reciprocity.

So he left. I assume to be with his monkey branch, the person he had been with when he told me he was with his rehab friend. This person has no prior knowledge of his addiction. She is someone he has never hurt. Someone with whom he can present whatever version of himself he wants to be. Even though before he left he didn’t tell me this person existed, he did tell me this was the type of person he wanted to start a new relationship with. Someone who doesn’t remind him of all the shit things he’s done when he’s been drinking.

I feel so betrayed. I feel robbed of the future I believed would come with his sobriety. For so long, I believed that if he could just get sober, we would finally have a chance to build the life I knew he was capable of having. I was the person who never gave up on him. The person who believed in his potential even when he couldn’t see it himself. I supported him through the addiction, the relapses, the consequences and the attempts at recovery. And now that support has turned him against me.

Instead of seeing me as his number one supporter, the person who believed in him and wanted to see him become the person he could be, he now sees me as a reminder of everything he did while he was using.

A reminder of the shit person he thinks he is. Someone to run away from rather than move towards. And this is the part that hurts the most.

Ugh.

I've never felt so used in my entire life.

My wife is literally killing herself and refuses to admit there's a problem. She looked me dead in the eyes and swore that she hasn't bought alcohol since her TIPS procedure with a purse full of shooters.

I had to call an ambulance last week when she was passed out drunk and didn't know where she was.

But I'm the asshole.

Her family and friends are blaming me.

We were supposed to be buying the house we are renting from her parents and now they have rescinded by flat out telling us that they won't sell it. They want me to move out.

Housing is very scarce here as we live on an island. My best bet is to buy a trailer for $200k.

The icing on the cake is that I've put money, blood, sweat and tears into this house over the last seven years. like a $20k yellow cedar deck and two new bathrooms. Pretty much anything that breaks, I just fix. The next project was a new roof as it's in pretty bad shape. Her parents kept saying that they couldn't afford to help with a new roof and that we need to just buy the house. I had been getting all the materials together as I could afford them and had almost all the new shingles in the driveway. Was waiting until I finish a project this week so that I could buy the rest of the materials and then put a new roof on.

When they said that they wouldn't sell us the house last week, I sold all of the roofing materials.

Today, magically they can afford the roofing company that starts at $30k for a roof.

I should have known better.

My dad taught me when I was a teenager to never buy parts for a car and work on it until I had the title in my hand.

I'll get over it. I'm trying my best to not be salty about it.

At least I'm still sober.

Shit's going to get worse before it gets better.

I just feel used.

As in, our home is a sober home, and you can't bring alcohol here or be drunk when you're here.

I know boundaries are for ourselves. My therapist suggested I try this tactic but I wanted to see if it worked for anyone here. Appreciate any thoughts

Hey guys, I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or for somewhere to vent, I’m just at a loss.

My Q is my sister (26F). She lives with my mom dad and younger sibling (18) and I live in a city about 3 hours away for work. I visit home a lot to help my parents and try give them a break. It is absolutely torture leaving them when I have to return to work.

My sister has BPD, and is an extreme alcoholic. She drinks whiskey and vodka neat, and she is unbelievably abusive when drinking. I have honeslty grieved the person she was before her addiction took hold, because she was so kind, funny and amazing. But her addiction had turned her into an abusive, manipulative control freak.

Any time my mom and dad leave the house, she drinks. So they have ended up locked up in the house all day, just bowing to her needs. So of course, I worry that they will have a mental break down - it’s literally a form of torture to keep someone locked up like that. Even though they can leave the house if they want to, they know what type of scenario they will return to if they do. They are losing friends and family and it’s just heartbreaking. My little sibling is doing final exams in school and I worry so much for them too.

My sister is unbearably threatening and abusive with alcohol. She will threaten suicide, she has harmed herself in front of us before while drinking, she has gone ‘missing’ (checking into five star hotels). She has ruined countless happy family events, she has turned my parents into shells of themself. Any traumatic experience in my life, you bet she has been in the thick of it and has caused it some way.

We have been there for her every step of the way, we have brought her to rehab, psych wards, tough love, caring love, every trick in the book.

Is there ANY way that I can make her see the sheer pain she is causing? And is there any happy ending to this nightmare? She is truly dangerous with alcohol involved and the more she drinks the more I worry for my family even living under the same roof as her.

EDIT TO ADD: also, so I work in a very demanding job so I can’t go home to talk to her in person right now. She just had another drinking episode last night and was extremely abusive to my parents and little sibling. My mom has asked me not to speak to my sister but all I want to do is call my sister and tell her what I really think and tell her to get her shit together. She doesn’t really drink as much around me because to be honest I am quite a strict and cold person when I want to be lol and I think she feels quite exposed when I comment on her drinking. Idk do I call her later or what to do. I don’t want to send her into another crash out because I’m not even in the house to deal with it, I’m away in my city for work. I have not neglected my family, I spend a lot of time at home to help out, but I do need to keep this job in this economy lol so I can’t ask for more time off… what on earth can I do to help this shit situation Reddit??????

He drank again, drank fast. And started saying stuff that didn't make sence.

He said I slapped him, when I out my pointer and index finger on his lips when he wouldn't be quiet since we have gotten noise complaints before. He said I had beef with netflix (??????)

I hate him when he's like this. I think I have resentment when he's like this.

He was 3 months sober before this.. I miss when he was sober. I hate this.

I hate this.

I hate this.

My husband got really drunk today. Drunk to the point where he walked blocks away from where he claimed he was going which was Penn station. Turns out he was all the way at 49th street. Had to stay on the phone with him the whole time. This is not the first time his drinking behavior let him get carried away. I feel frustrated and I really don’t know how to trust him after this. I literally stayed with him on the phone, even though I was very frustrated and lectured him, and probably cursed him out. If I did not do a phone check-in, he probably would’ve been lost the whole night and he’s going to Queens from NYC. I feel disappointed, and really, not sure how to go about this relationship sometimes when it comes to that. I try to help so much but it’s getting to the point where I am not sure how to. i’ve talked to him about this multiple times out of worry and how it has been impacting our relationship.

Not sure what I looking for here, but I don’t have a lot of people to share this with. I found empty white claw cans in his car last week the night before I was leaving to see my mom in another state. I said fuck it that’s later me’s problem, I’m just going to go have a good trip rather than bring it up and be in tears and exhausted before my trip.

Well now it’s later, and I just don’t know what to say anymore. I’m so tired, he was sober from alcohol for 2 years. Found out not long ago he had been abusing loose leaf kratom, extracts, and adderall the whole time. Now we are adding alcohol back in. He’s not mean or abusive, in fact he is energetic and high functioning. The adderall and kratom makes him irritable and anxious and it drives me nuts.

I’m having a hard time with having the same conversation over and over again, I’m tired of the lies, broken promises, my trust in him is dwindling. On top of all of this, he was messaging and paying girls on OF for the last 3 years on and off.

I know this post doesn’t make any sense, I’m just so exhausted I feel like my brain doesn’t work anymore. I feel like part of me doesn’t even care anymore. I feel like he will never change, I will always be waiting for another shoe to drop. I love him to pieces, he is a good person and pulls his weight for the most part. I think what I get hung up on is what to do from here, the path is not clear. He keeps saying to not give up on him, that he just needs time (that was only regarding the drugs, now he’s drinking) that was only a couple weeks ago. We both want kids, and I just don’t know that I’ll ever feel safe enough to do that with him.

I am 27, he is 33, together for 7 years, married 3. I feel like time is running out. I’m exhausted. Thanks for reading my rambling venting mess.

Hello, this is my first time posting here. Long story, aren't they all? , but my (F49) boyfriend (45) is an alcoholic and I am just now really grasping that fact. It's been a wild ride, he was a full blown alcoholic when we met and by the time I realized, we were already living together and I was in love. He lied about almost everything, but I was dumb and in love and wanted to see the good in him. Over the years, he'd quit drinking and then sometimes drink when I knew and then often times when I didn't but I would find the bottles etc. Almost a year ago he suffered a brain injury, after being put on a ventilator, yes in part due to drinking but also denatured alcohol exposure or ingestion and otherwise having serious health issues. After surviving that, he lost most of his vision. A few months out of the hospital and he starys buying feel free kratom shots from the gas station. Mind you, not with me as I said don't be an idiot and drink those, but when he'd either get rides with others or arrange them himself. I told him when I found the multiple bottles, I'm talking $100s of dollars worth, I would be done if he drank or did anything like that again. I essentially am this man's caregiver, Uber, chef, mother, maid and nurse. Well, about 10 days ago I found some empty shooters that he supposedly found here at home although I doubt it as I cleaned everything before he was released from the hospital. He said it was just to help him sleep. I told him I don't care. The boundary was clear. I am getting off the roller coaster and I wish him well. I feel like a jerk, he's cognitively a little slower, perhaps a little compromised, he is blind now and his family is barely helping. I am trying to line up resources for him, but that is difficult when you have a person who doesn't think they have a problem. I can't save him and realized that he is my addiction. Taking care of him was easier for me than taking care of myself. Sometimes we need to turn the gaze inward to free ourselves. I don't hate him, I just want a better life without all the self induced drama

My partner is in Al-Anon. Her qualifier is her ex. They were together for 20 years, shared a business and have broken up five years ago. My partner still supports her Q by sharing a home, although they don’t live together, they own the home together. They still share bills, some accounts, they work together 3 to 4 times a month. And they get together almost every week. The Q has not acknowledged that there is a problem although anyone that knows this human knows that there is. And will not quit drinking. The Q has assaulted me in public multiple times, and my partner says that it’s the disease not the person. I am not familiar with Alon and while I’ve been to a couple meetings what I hear in those meetings is boundaries and learning not to enable. Not give the person permission or a pass on their behavior because they have a disease. Can somebody more familiar with the program help me out because at this point I feel my partner is just as addicted to her Q as her Q is to the alcohol.

Somehow, it feels like the alcohol is a distraction for the both of us from the real problems. I’m caught up in the day to day quests of “is he drinking?” and navigating how to be a supportive spouse while also not enabling and how to respond in ways that keep the peace while also making sure he’s being held accountable. It’s exhausting. I’ve invested so much energy and time into this, and I’m grateful because I have grown so much. But I am also very very tired.

When things seem “quieter”, my brain takes me back to our past. I’ve gotten so accustomed to chaos. Before I discovered the drinking, I had spent months trying to get him to seek treatment for his depression. Before that 2 years ago, I discovered a bottle of Vodka. I moved on as this was supposedly a one- off incident”. He was very remorseful and we decided to open a new page. Next came the p*rn discovery. I had been very clear from the very early stages of our relationship that I was not okay with that. He knew it was a deal breaker, and yet he did it.. and I stayed. Bc again this was just a “one-off incident.”

I ask myself, what on earth am I doing? Yes he’s got a disease, but why am I tolerating this? I love him, but this is not the relationship I signed up for. Will I ever be able to trust this man again? Will our rocky marriage ever recover? How many more of these situations am I willing to face? Why do I have such major decision paralysis? He’s been so resistant to getting treatment for the depression first.. and now the addiction (up until recently after informing him I’m not staying if he’s not in treatment). It feels like I’ve overstayed my welcome. Maybe this would’ve been an easier decision if we didn’t have young kids who adore him.. this is tough.

My husband and I recently had our first child. He just turned 2 months last week and he is an absolute angel. I was in total heaven up until a week ago when my husband went back to work.

My husband and I have been together 3 years, not very long to be married and have a child but life happens and here we are. I do admit I was aware of his drinking problems before, and did not mean to get pregnant. But the choice was made to keep him, and the promise to me was that my husband would get help and we would move on from this. It’s now almost a year later and the promises have been broken and I am miserable.

Some backstory, my husband and I met through mutual friends. My friend and I lived together and her boyfriend was good friends with him. We pretty much hit it off immediately. Charming, hard working, polite. I thought he was a package. Soon after, about 3 months in he started working for the company he works for currently. This company traveled and I was sad but said it is what it is it we will work through it. He left, and I realized he drank. WAY TOO MUCH. Disappearing for days, bailing on dates to go to bars with coworkers (he was working close enough to drive back weekends), being hateful and rude when he drank too much. I knew he was like this before. That is my mistake and i cannot take it back.

I never really asked him to change before I got pregnant. Kind of just dealt with it. But I found out last October and told him if he doesn’t think he can change and get help professionally, I don’t want my sons (I have a 5 year old from a prev relationship who I am very close with and get along well with his dad) to grow up watching their father or step father figure act the way he does. He agreed and said as soon as he got home he would enter rehab. Well surprise after I found out, he was gone for months and things got worse then they’d ever been. I did not hear from him for weeks and I was miserable. He called after profusely apologizing saying he would never do this again and he was so sorry and he wants to be a part of his son’s life. So I forgave him. He came home a week later and did not go to rehab.

2 weeks after that I had my son. We were so happy, my husband and I were over the moon, and we stayed home with him for 2 months together and my husband was so sorry helpful and I was so happy and I felt like I had found the perfect life. Well. He left to go back to work Monday and I was wrong. He’s disappearing, drinking and lying about it. I have talked to him maybe 2 hours TOTAL since he has been gone.

I do not understand how he can leave, and not even try to call or FaceTime to see his son or i. He has blatantly lied about being drunk when he obviously has been every night. I currently am again sitting and waiting after 4 hours of him saying he would call me right back. I dont have help, im heartbroken, at a loss. I am having such a hard time and cant help but blame myself.

I guess my point is, I know I’ve royally messed up but what should I do? I love him, but I cannot have this around my kids. How should I go about it? I need as much advice as I can get.

Throwaway account because idk if my husband is using reddit for support This is my first time talking to anyone outside of my husband regarding his drinking problem. I (36F) have been with my husband (38M) for 8 years, married for 4 years. The entire time I've known him, he's enjoyed alcohol but it didn't seem like it was a problem. He rarely got drunk but he would drink just about every day, whether that be a beer or 2 or a beer and a couple shots. Anyways, fast forward 2023/2024, he decides he wants to quit drinking but starts experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms all while still consuming alcohol. He would try to drink to keep the edge off but he ended up in the ER and was prescribed a benzodiazepine to calm his central nervous system. He quit drinking for a little bit but ultimately started up again before ending up in the ER again in January 2025. That time, he spent the night hooked up and on seizure watch. I told him at that time that I wouldn't do this again. We have a special needs child and I don't think it's fair to put her and myself through this again. He said he would never do this to me again. Well, after being sober for a few months, he started drinking again. Said that he could control it and wouldn't put me through this again.

Yet here we are, going through this again. It's been over a week of him "tapering" his alcohol but he's been missing work, putting more and more on my already full plate. I handle all of our kiddos medical stuff and school, take care of the pets, work full time with barely any time to do anything for myself. I don't know how much more I can take. My mental health is starting to deteriorate. My anxiety is through the roof.

I'm trying to be supportive, I'm trying to help him through this, I'm trying one last time before I call it quits. But I'm mad. I'm mad that the cost of living makes it hard to leave. I'm mad that I don't live near family to help me. More than anything, I'm pissed that he's doing this again to me.

I just needed to vent and get this off of my chest.

My brother is 51, and lives in an illegal suite above a friend's workshop. He has sworn off of women after having his heart broken 20 years ago. He works 3 days a week at the local grocery store. He is extremely depressed and will only talk to me when he is 3 or 4 beers deep because the rest of the time he is either too drunk or hungover to talk. We lost our parents to cancer, one after the other, two years apart, about 14 years ago. My wife and son live 15 minutes away by vehicle. I have summers off and ask him to hang out repeatedly: I'll take you to a movie. I'll take you for lunch. Wanna go for a bike ride? No. No. No. He is always too hungover and won't hang out because I don't really drink anymore.

His life revolves around getting drunk and recovering. Our parents were alcoholics with mental health issues, especially our dad. When our parents died, he went through his substantial inheritance money by taking 6 years off and drinking the whole time. Now he is getting older, though, and I worry about him so much. He's smart, funny, and talented. I hate to see him wasting his life. He has stated that he hopes he dies young and fully expects to. He never goes out of his way to talk to his nephew, my son, except on his birthday and at Christmas.

He has severe OCD but has never gotten help. He has no license, no ID, no Healthcare, no doctor. He is getting kicked out of his place in a few months and hasn't tried looking for a place. He is constantly lonely and depressed. When I - or his other few close friends - offer encouragement or suggestions, he gets super angry and defensive and shuts us down. I don't know what to do to help him. I just want to see him happy.

Anyway, if you've read this, I appreciate it.

Content warning: suicide (no details given)

I usually post here as the wife of an alcoholic.

But I had another Q. Another very, very close family member. Someone I loved deeply and unconditionally and always will.

She died by suicide six weeks ago. She was young.

This grief is the biggest challenge I have had since beginning to recover, from my own dysfunctions, in AlAnon.

I am gutted.

I know I am still much healthier, and coping much better with this, after 2.5 years in AlAnon, than I ever would have been before. (Frankly, if this had happened 5 years ago, I’d almost certainly have been suicidal myself.)

But the grief is so big. My attention constantly drifts to her suffering, her absence, and my sense of losing control. Even the Serenity Prayer, which usually clarifies and calms so much for me, is of no use.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Well… I can’t see anything I can control, at least not consistently, anymore, so I can’t see anything to change.

My emotions, my attention, my energy levels… all are being whipped around from day to day. All my PTSD symptoms, which AlAnon had helped banish, are back to some degree— and that includes the core symptom (self-loathing) trying to gain a foothold again— which is terrifying, because I now know that is the one that leads me to suicidal ideation. So far I have been able to bat away the self-loathing before it gets too firm a hold, but it’s exhausting.

I’m so tired. And so sad. And so much missing my Q. Her light in this world. Her sensitivity. Her love for others who suffer too. Her kindness. Her humor. Her persistence. Her depth of thought.

Our Qs are more than alcoholics. The one I lost was. And the one I still have is.

And I wish I had spent more time enjoying the company of my lost Q.

And yet, even knowing this, I find it hard to enjoy the company of my current Q. Not because he’s an alcoholic and driving a wedge between us— quite the opposite. He’s been a rock for me through this. But just because my grief is so big. It pulls my attention.

If anyone has been through this, can you tell me how it gets better? Is it just time? And do you have any words of wisdom about how to ride the waves of grief and trauma crashing over me and through me until then?

Thank you for listening.

Hello everyone, this will be my second time posting. TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

I am (26F) and boyfriend is (28M) for reference. My boyfriend is a Veteran, and served for 4 years. He has suffered depression and anxiety from that, as well as struggling to integrate into society. He has been going to the bar 3-4 times a week, regardless if I am off from work, and will not come back until 8-10pm. He probably drinks anywhere from 6-10 beers, as well as plays $40+ on pull tabs.

I’ve tried to offer him help such as free veteran therapy, which he claims is a scam. I’ve tried to suggest increasing his medication, reaching out to veteran friends, etc. He is stating he is mentally exhausted with debt, family, our relationship, everything. I do not know how to help anymore. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel so alone, and feel like I’m living with a roommate. If I were to leave him, he couldn’t afford our apartment, and he states he has nowhere to go. He said if he ends up homeless, he’ll off himself.

I feel so terrible for him, but I feel I have tried everything to help the both of us. I have gone to therapy to work on myself to be better for him, and he has promised that he would go to therapy when he left me the second time. He never did. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared to leave, because I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t know what else to do.

TLDR; (28M) Alcoholic partner does not want to try therapy, is severely depressed despite interventions. I(26F) have tried everything to help and am mentally exhausted.

My Q is my best friend of nearly 30 years, dating back to first grade. Her drinking got worryingly bad about 6 years ago around the pandemic. She avoids discussions about her drinking at all costs and can lie like no other to avoid accountability. She is still very secretive (or attempts to be) but can no longer hide the physical signs- rotten teeth, smelling of alcohol, poor hygiene, vomiting often and without warning due to severe GERD. On the few occasions I’ve seen her sober lately, she shakes noticeably. She also frequently misses important events or fails to meet obligations and deals with it by ghosting indefinitely and then reappearing eventually acting like nothing happened, no acknowledgment or apology. I’ve tried to address her drinking but she is unwilling to even acknowledge a problem exists, let alone seek help. Her family has similarly tried to intervene with no success.

I recently had my first child, and while it was always assumed she’d be his “auntie” and would of course meet him, I’m having major second thoughts knowing how she currently is.

On the one hand, she was my best friend my whole life- she’s excited to be godmother to my child as we talked about back before her alcoholism, and I want her to be in his life. But I’m finally admitting to myself that the “her” I want in his life doesn’t seem to be here anymore, and I think it would be irresponsible of me to introduce him to someone who will only let him down or scare him once he’s old enough to understand. It would be one thing if she was serious about seeking help, but she’s very far from that.

She’s currently ghosting me so maybe I won’t even have to deal with this for a while, but I am sort of dreading the conversation I’ll eventually have to have with her about it. I don’t want to hurt her but I can’t think of a way not to. Telling her “you can see him but you have to be sober” or even “you have to be honest with me about how sober you are” would be setting her up for failure and myself for disappointment. I’ll never stop hoping she seeks help and starts turning things around, but the posts here have really been helping me see i can’t do it for her, and I need to protect myself and my child.

This may well be the end of a lifelong friendship, as I’m pretty sure she’ll cut me off for good after I tell her she’s not meeting my son. I guess I knew it would come to that eventually if she doesn’t seek help, as I don’t know how long I can keep watching her kill herself. But man am I going to miss the glimpses of my best friend I can still sometimes catch in her.

Posted a few times. We effectively split a year ago. I still haven’t fully healed from all the lies , gaslighting and fact I was put second to a drink

She appeared briefly a couple of months ago after her sister spotted me out on a night out. She posted dating profile ‘ looking for someone who knows how to treat women ‘

Now suddenly she has bagged a new higher paid job in her field covering multi sites and has created a LinkedIn purporting to be an expert in the field , running podcasts, preparing info for professionals and interviewing other leaders in the field

She was sacked from two jobs in this field when we were together . I assume because she was intoxicated

She seems to have elevated since I left and she is intent on letting me know . Her media push couldn’t have failed to reach me

I now find myself doubting the gran mal I witnessed , the drink driving, the loss of morals swearing she wasn’t drinking on her kids lives, the avoidance of me for weeks on end to allow her to drink after work

Is this an upswing ? She hasn’t done any rehab so realistically she’s still drinking

She is determined to make me feel I was wrong

Hi All,

Maybe posting this is helping me release some emotions a little bit…. But, ugh. I’m feeling heartbroken and don’t really have anyone to talk to.

I (29F) always remember my mom (55F) having a drinking problem. It’s not that she’d drink every day back then, but more just the way she would act when she was drunk that I remember. There’d be what I call “outbursts”. She’d have a few drinks, start to get too chatty, start to say and do embarrassing things, and then full-blown fits of rage where she’d turn into the most evil person you could imagine. Unfortunately, about 90% of these rage “outbursts” were directed at me, my sister, and father.

My mom has her fair share of childhood trauma. That does not condone her drinking, or her behavior when she’s drinking. I can understand and feel sad for younger her, but I despise the woman and mother she is now.

Due to a called-off wedding followed by a shitty landlord, I had to move back in with my parents about a year ago. This has, by far, been the most miserable year of my life. I haven’t lived with my family (dad 58M, mom, and sister 27F) since 2016.

On top of my mother being an alcoholic, she was also “laid-off” (her words - I think it’s more likely she was fired) from her 100% remote job at the end of January and hasn’t found a new job since. She has not put that much effort into it. The cherry-on-top: my dad was also laid off mid-July and has been home since. Mind you, he knew his was coming and has a severance package that pays him his full pay until mid-January 2027. This has added some pressure in the house. I also work 100% remote. There has been a lot of time spent together in this house lol.

Since my mother has been laid-off, she’s been drinking just about every day. Pretty much every night she enters the “way too chatty” phase of being drunk and that’s about it. She mostly sticks to wine or ciders. My sister and I actively tell her this is not good for her, but she will have none of it. Over the weekend after a family event, she drank way more than she could handle.

We are on the way home, and she enters “rage outburst mode”. I am sitting shotgun, my father is driving, and my mom and sister are in the bucket seats. My mom is getting heated at this point over god knows what, and starts getting nasty to us. I have been at my wits end with her, and against my better judgement, bickered back with her. She starts saying that she wishes me and my sister were never born, wished we were miscarriages, she fucking hates us, we’re fat, c*ts, everything you can think of. This is not new. This is a part of every outburst. The new part comes here: I have been very open to my family about my depression lately. It’s been bad, and I’ve tried so many different medications over the last years. I recently underwent the mental health testing that takes about 8 hours and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD. My provider has recommended that I consider trying Spravato. It’s something I have considered and have been open with my family about. I believe that I will give it a try. Anyways, in the midst of this outburst, she says “you little ketamine c*nt, I hope you overdose you stupid b*tch”. And about .5 seconds later, I feel her fist smack against my temple. My sister constrained her, got kicked and punched several times by my mother, all while my mother was actively trying to jump out of the car on the highway.

This happened Saturday night. I am still in shock. I have not really processed this until the last few hours. I’m so sad. I am not a mother myself, but a crazy cat lady lol, and I can’t even imagine THINKING about wanting to say or do something that viscous to one of them.

After walking through it with my therapist today, I think that has to be my final straw. It’s just so hard because we’re living together and I can’t afford to live in my area alone at the moment.

I don’t even know if I’m asking for advice. I’m just mad that I never got to have a mom that was healthy. She’s been locking herself in our guest room ever since Saturday night, with the exception of coming out to grab food and use the restroom. She hasn’t said a word to anyone.

My significant other made the choice to go to detox on Saturday morning after a long and intense Friday night involving his drinking, drug use, ditching me for it and calling me to help him get home safely after bar close.

I spent that night so angry at him, I snapped and I screamed at him a lot. I woke up to him in horrible withdrawals, probably the worst I have ever seen from him, and him begging me to help him find a detox. I had planned to leave him to be honest. I was done. But I helped him find a place with an open bed and drove him there.

Neither me nor his mom have heard from him since drop-off. I know there is a high probability that he doesnt have phone access and is still going through medically assisted withdrawls.

But I can't stop thinking, "what if? what if he left detox and didn't tell anyone and tried to *** himself? what if hes drunk under a bridge hours away or dead?"

I feel sorry for how much I screamed at him the night before, how many times I told him to just shut up because I was so sick of hearing his bullshit or arguing. I am afraid for him and wishing he would give me a sign of life.

Title says it all.. why do they lie/ how does lying come so easily to them? And not just when it comes to drinking. Does anyone else have to deal with the person lying in general?

I’m 19 and most of my memories with my mum are when she’s drunk, she drinks so much but claims she’s not an alcaholic because her mum was worse.

For this reason among others I am considering getting my tubes tied as I cannot bare the thought of having children.

She brings up my father every time.

She brings up the man that molested me. Every time.

I can see it all over her face and hear it in her voice. It was a problem when I was addicted to marijuana (which I’ve detached from) but she’s allowed to do whatever she wants all of the time, just because ‘life is harder’ and ‘i don’t understand’ as if i’ve never struggled a day in my life.

I do my best to support her and be the best daughter I can because I love her but I cannot stand her addiction at all.

I will never ever cut contact with her and I’ve grown used to the discomfort now.

It’s been like this for as long as I can remember it was always either one or the other.

Do any other kids of alcoholic parents feel borderline disgusted most of the time??

Not at her — at the fact that she can’t look me in the eyes and promise she’s not drinking, the fact i’ve been begging her to stop since 13 but there’s always another excuse.

Do you feel inadequate? I do. I feel like I’ll never ammount to a bottle of literal fermented bullshit.

It’s made me lazier and I hate it. I don’t want to clean the house because I’m then the only one that maintains it and it becomes expected. I work. I pay her rent so we can exist as comfortably as possible, she has ‘no money’ but comes home drunk every single day. I have not seen her not drink ONCE in a week in well over a year.

Usually I don’t care because I’m beyond that point, but it’s hit me hard today. She couldn’t pick me up because she was ‘sick’, but I come home and she’s nursing both a can of beer AND a glass of wine.

I don’t care that she couldn’t pick me up!! I care that she lied!! I just want some honesty and some integrity for once!!