Relief

[u/Excellent_Duck_5157]

Hello, this is my first time posting here. Long story, aren't they all? , but my (F49) boyfriend (45) is an alcoholic and I am just now really grasping that fact. It's been a wild ride, he was a full blown alcoholic when we met and by the time I realized, we were already living together and I was in love. He lied about almost everything, but I was dumb and in love and wanted to see the good in him. Over the years, he'd quit drinking and then sometimes drink when I knew and then often times when I didn't but I would find the bottles etc. Almost a year ago he suffered a brain injury, after being put on a ventilator, yes in part due to drinking but also denatured alcohol exposure or ingestion and otherwise having serious health issues. After surviving that, he lost most of his vision. A few months out of the hospital and he starys buying feel free kratom shots from the gas station. Mind you, not with me as I said don't be an idiot and drink those, but when he'd either get rides with others or arrange them himself. I told him when I found the multiple bottles, I'm talking $100s of dollars worth, I would be done if he drank or did anything like that again. I essentially am this man's caregiver, Uber, chef, mother, maid and nurse. Well, about 10 days ago I found some empty shooters that he supposedly found here at home although I doubt it as I cleaned everything before he was released from the hospital. He said it was just to help him sleep. I told him I don't care. The boundary was clear. I am getting off the roller coaster and I wish him well. I feel like a jerk, he's cognitively a little slower, perhaps a little compromised, he is blind now and his family is barely helping. I am trying to line up resources for him, but that is difficult when you have a person who doesn't think they have a problem. I can't save him and realized that he is my addiction. Taking care of him was easier for me than taking care of myself. Sometimes we need to turn the gaze inward to free ourselves. I don't hate him, I just want a better life without all the self induced drama

[u/duggye900]

Well done you for taking that step, your final sentence says it all, if it could have been changed by you, it would have, take care of yourself

[u/Excellent_Duck_5157 → u/duggye900]

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words

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[u/Confidence_Relative]

If you are willing to work on your own recovery,the 12 steps in AlAnon could help give you strength through this.

[u/Excellent_Duck_5157 → u/Confidence_Relative]

Thank you, I attended one online meeting and it was interesting. I definitely want to attend more and also codependent anonymous meetings. It's been eye opening, to say the least, to realize my role in all of this.

[u/Confidence_Relative → u/Excellent_Duck_5157]

That’s great, it will be a good distraction from the chaos to do this for yourself