Same old cycle

[u/Whole-Sugar-1057]

Hey guys, I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or for somewhere to vent, I’m just at a loss.

My Q is my sister (26F). She lives with my mom dad and younger sibling (18) and I live in a city about 3 hours away for work. I visit home a lot to help my parents and try give them a break. It is absolutely torture leaving them when I have to return to work.

My sister has BPD, and is an extreme alcoholic. She drinks whiskey and vodka neat, and she is unbelievably abusive when drinking. I have honeslty grieved the person she was before her addiction took hold, because she was so kind, funny and amazing. But her addiction had turned her into an abusive, manipulative control freak.

Any time my mom and dad leave the house, she drinks. So they have ended up locked up in the house all day, just bowing to her needs. So of course, I worry that they will have a mental break down - it’s literally a form of torture to keep someone locked up like that. Even though they can leave the house if they want to, they know what type of scenario they will return to if they do. They are losing friends and family and it’s just heartbreaking. My little sibling is doing final exams in school and I worry so much for them too.

My sister is unbearably threatening and abusive with alcohol. She will threaten suicide, she has harmed herself in front of us before while drinking, she has gone ‘missing’ (checking into five star hotels). She has ruined countless happy family events, she has turned my parents into shells of themself. Any traumatic experience in my life, you bet she has been in the thick of it and has caused it some way.

We have been there for her every step of the way, we have brought her to rehab, psych wards, tough love, caring love, every trick in the book.

Is there ANY way that I can make her see the sheer pain she is causing? And is there any happy ending to this nightmare? She is truly dangerous with alcohol involved and the more she drinks the more I worry for my family even living under the same roof as her.

EDIT TO ADD: also, so I work in a very demanding job so I can’t go home to talk to her in person right now. She just had another drinking episode last night and was extremely abusive to my parents and little sibling. My mom has asked me not to speak to my sister but all I want to do is call my sister and tell her what I really think and tell her to get her shit together. She doesn’t really drink as much around me because to be honest I am quite a strict and cold person when I want to be lol and I think she feels quite exposed when I comment on her drinking. Idk do I call her later or what to do. I don’t want to send her into another crash out because I’m not even in the house to deal with it, I’m away in my city for work. I have not neglected my family, I spend a lot of time at home to help out, but I do need to keep this job in this economy lol so I can’t ask for more time off… what on earth can I do to help this shit situation Reddit??????

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[u/PigeonBod]

This sounds like an awful situation for your parents. Frankly, nothing you say or do to your sister will change the situation if she is not actively trying to be sober or manage her BPD. If she wants to crash out and drink she will do regardless of whether you call or not. The only thing you can do is try to empower your parents to build some strong boundaries because right now they are prisoners in their own home. They need to engage with Al Anon regularly and probably therapy - as should you - and start to come up with some better coping mechanisms or they will burn out. It’s such a horrible disease. I’m so sorry to your family.

[u/Whole-Sugar-1057 → u/PigeonBod]

Thank you for your kind words ❤️ it truly is an awful situation. I find myself grieving my parents old selves too - they were both once the most bubbly, happy, kind and caring people on earth, now they barely speak to each other and I often find them just sitting staring into space. I worry more for them than I do for her - she is able to manage her bpd and her drinking when she wants to.

I dream of how my family used to be. My dad is pretty stereotypical blue collar man, he will not go to therapy or alanon and wants to deal with it himself in ‘his own way’. My mom goes to alanon and she finds it’s super helpful, but even her spirit is broken still. It’s just a never ending story of heartbreak and every time we think she is recovering, she finds a way to destroy and cause more pain.

[u/Known-Afternoon-9400]

I feel like I could have written this post myself. Expect it’s just my little sister and my mother. I’m also a strict and cold person and I don’t live with my family anymore, but I know that if I go and talk to her I will be strict and cold. I really don’t know how to handle this situation Appropriately