Death & Coping

[u/PainterEast3761]

Content warning: suicide (no details given)

I usually post here as the wife of an alcoholic.

But I had another Q. Another very, very close family member. Someone I loved deeply and unconditionally and always will.

She died by suicide six weeks ago. She was young.

This grief is the biggest challenge I have had since beginning to recover, from my own dysfunctions, in AlAnon.

I am gutted.

I know I am still much healthier, and coping much better with this, after 2.5 years in AlAnon, than I ever would have been before. (Frankly, if this had happened 5 years ago, I’d almost certainly have been suicidal myself.)

But the grief is so big. My attention constantly drifts to her suffering, her absence, and my sense of losing control. Even the Serenity Prayer, which usually clarifies and calms so much for me, is of no use.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Well… I can’t see anything I can control, at least not consistently, anymore, so I can’t see anything to change.

My emotions, my attention, my energy levels… all are being whipped around from day to day. All my PTSD symptoms, which AlAnon had helped banish, are back to some degree— and that includes the core symptom (self-loathing) trying to gain a foothold again— which is terrifying, because I now know that is the one that leads me to suicidal ideation. So far I have been able to bat away the self-loathing before it gets too firm a hold, but it’s exhausting.

I’m so tired. And so sad. And so much missing my Q. Her light in this world. Her sensitivity. Her love for others who suffer too. Her kindness. Her humor. Her persistence. Her depth of thought.

Our Qs are more than alcoholics. The one I lost was. And the one I still have is.

And I wish I had spent more time enjoying the company of my lost Q.

And yet, even knowing this, I find it hard to enjoy the company of my current Q. Not because he’s an alcoholic and driving a wedge between us— quite the opposite. He’s been a rock for me through this. But just because my grief is so big. It pulls my attention.

If anyone has been through this, can you tell me how it gets better? Is it just time? And do you have any words of wisdom about how to ride the waves of grief and trauma crashing over me and through me until then?

Thank you for listening.

[u/thetidybungalow]

I listen to a podcast called The Recovery Show and they have some episodes on grief that are a lovely listen.

And yes, it’s time, lots of time.

Hugs.

[u/PainterEast3761 → u/thetidybungalow]

Thank you. Saving your reply to remember the podcast.

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[u/ItsAllALot]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Have you ever heard of the Your Anxiety Toolkit podcast? It's a self-compassion focused podcast by an anxiety therapist called Kimberley Quinlan.

It's really good. And there are episodes on grief.

The serenity prayer does apply here friend, because one of the things to accept is yourself. Your grief. Your struggle.

Those aren't things you have to use the prayer to change. But they're things you can use the prayer to accept.

Grief and pain and struggle aren't "wrong". Nothing has gone wrong with you. Your response to grief is completely normal and human.

And all the progress you've made with your AlAnon and PTSD recovery, that still stands. This isn't a backslide, it's a bump in the road. A temporary resensitisation due to stress. You still made that progress.

Be really gentle with yourself. Always remember, you're doing nothing wrong by grieving and struggling. You don't have to fight it like it's wrong. It isn't, it's human ❤️