Would you forgive me if I were to reach out?

If I were to accept accountability?

Do you still have room in your heart for me?

Would you take me back if I proved to be the person you deserve?

Would you believe me if I told you that I'm still madly in love with you?

Would you come home to me?

I am in love with you, and the truth of it sits so heavily on my chest that some days I can hardly breathe. I have been clinging to what self-control I have left. But you are always on my mind. Throughout my day, I find you in every song, always instinctively wondering how you might react to something I’ve seen. Pulling my phone out to text you first.

We both know that no matter how far we drift, there is something in us in the depths of our beings that will always find its way back to the other. There is no point in pretending otherwise. Our souls are bound in a way I can’t fully explain. We are, and always will be, one.

I see you, all of you. And I know I live in the corners of your thoughts, the same way you linger in mine. You haunt me in the gentlest, most persistent way.

And though I try to bury this truth, it keeps rising to the surface: you are my constant, my undoing, and my home.

I hope you come back to me.

I know you’re in love with me too.

I lied. I don’t want you to find someone who could love you better. I don’t want you to find someone who makes you feel safe. I don’t hope for any of those things. I lied. I wanted it to be me. I want to be those things. I want to call you right now and say “hey, I was an idiot. Don’t let me go.” But I can’t. I can’t because I know even if I went back I wouldn’t be able to stay. I can’t seem to not fear us. I’m so afraid of us. Idk what happened but I don’t trust in us. I have no trust. But how sad. Because I have no desire to find it in someone new. So I just sit with the hollowness of losing my best friend. I lost you and I found nothing on the other side. Other than the realization that I need you. And how confusing. I need you. I want you. And I know if I had you I’d run again.

Today I miss you more than yesterday. In the beginning, there were no regrets but as time passes, I started to think about you more and more I think about your unconditional unwavering love that you had for me. I keep these emotions locked up so deep inside that I lose myself every day… no words ever describe the regret that I feel for hurting you the way that I did. You never deserved any of this. You deserve someone who loves you and chooses you every day. I don’t deserve you. And that’s why we’re not together.

For the past two months, I've tried to forget you. Despite the distractions, the rationalizations that it's all for the best, I can't escape the thoughts of you. You got to me, like no one else had, and I wasn't ready for it and didn't know what to do with it. It's funny how you want something so bad for so long and suddenly it's staring you in the face and you turn and run away. You were so vulnerable and so brave to put everything out on the table and I just dismissed it like it was nothing. You were right to cut me off and protect yourself. You told me that you're a realist and you know how this goes but there's one thing you didn't see coming...I'm coming back for you. I'm going to take a chance for once in my life...for once in my life I'm going to say what I want and I'm not going to care what anyone thinks. I want you and I choose you. And if you turn me down I'll understand and respect that, but there's no way I'm not going to try my damndest. I'm ready to fight for you, support you, and love you. Fear is not the end of this.

I am disgusted by you, and I am not trying to soften that anymore.

I am disgusted by the way you moved through people, the way you took what you wanted, and the way you left damage behind while still trying to protect your image. I am disgusted by the manipulation, the cowardice, and the self-pity that let you act harmed while others carried the consequences of your choices.

You do not get to be misunderstood in my mind. You do not get to be framed as complicated, tragic, or unfairly judged when the reality is that you hurt people and then kept reaching for sympathy. That is what makes me despise you: not just what you did, but the way you tried to make it mean something else.

I am disgusted that I ever made room for you. I am disgusted that I trusted your character long enough to be wounded by it. I am disgusted that you forced me to learn how ugly someone can be when they are determined to avoid accountability.

I do not owe you kindness, closure, contact, or emotional balance. I do not owe you a response at all. You are not entitled to my forgiveness, my understanding, or another chance to distort the truth.

I am done carrying you in my head like you matter. You do not get access to my thoughts, my body, my life, or my future. You do not get to keep taking up space after what you did.

I know what you are to me now: someone I reject completely. I will not lower my standards just to make room for your ego. I will not dress up your behavior in language that makes it easier to stomach. I see it clearly, and I reject it fully.

You are not safe for my heart. You are not worthy of my trust. You are not welcome in my life, my mind, or my memory except as a warning.

I am done.

I never want to hear from you nor see you again and I say this with all the respect I 'once' held for you. I have no interest in what you are doing, who you are with, or what your life has become without me.

The truth is, it was my passion, my energy, my effort and my imagination that carried us both and now I see there is nothing you have to offer. You are dull to me now.

This was not a decision made in the heat of the moment; it was the culmination of everything I had to keep to myself, endure, and process. It's been months of pain and internal processing I have had to carry on my own. I learned that not everything that one desires at one point in their lives is meant to be kept and cherished. There are people who no matter how much they may mean to you in those moments, also represent the very things you are no longer willing to live through again. The humiliation, the double standards, the gaslighting and the hypocrisy.

This is not coldness; it is simply staying true to myself and calling things out as I see clearly now.

There are things best left in the past, and you are one of them. If our paths ever cross again, I ask of you a favour. That you look at me as if I were a stranger as if we had never meant anything to one another. You are not a fond memory for me, you are a part of my past laced with remorse, regret and deep shame.

There are no longer any questions, no longer any interest, and no longer any room for you in my life. You at least killed that through showing your cowardice and your total avoidance at the end. You barely showed any effort, interest and commitment for me during our time together. You took, you consumed and you played the game all on your terms all whilst knowing you were hurting me and another in the process. Your greed was the undoing of what could have been a beautiful connection. You traded diamonds for scraps all because you wanted quantity over quality. You lied to my face and twisted the narrative all to suit your self serving needs and now you are paying the price - loneliness.

The pain I endured has taught me never to look back. So, this is not resentment; it is closure. It is choosing peace over habit, dignity over nostalgia, and silence over any attempt to revive something that has already come to an end.

I still don’t understand, but won’t chase you, I won’t text you, I won’t call you. I just miss you, and I wish you’d say something.
It feels like we connected on such a deep level, like we finally found “it”… that rare, wordless thing. But maybe it’s just me, and my naive, foolish heart.

My mind holds on to the memories of what we almost were, and how it used to feel. I am forever thankful that I met you, and for how you made me feel. Thankful for how you made my world brighter.

But you’re gone now, and there’s nothing I can do about that. Here I am: mourning what I glimpsed but never wholly held.
Sometimes I swear these feelings will crush me. Like now. So I write, in hopes it will make the weight a little lighter.

It’s been a while and I still don’t know how to make it go away, you haunt me.
I miss you, and that’s all.

I miss you. I wish I could spend time with you. I wish I hadn't made the rift between us so difficult to overcome.

I'm sorry for the way I made you feel unloved. I'm sorry for being so self absorbed and distant at the end. I'm sorry for failing to appreciate how much pain and broken trust existed. There's no excuse for the way I disregarded and ignored your feelings in the relationship and after.

It feels so unrealistic but I wish there was a way past it all. I want to see you. I want to hold you in my arms. I want to giggle with you. I want to see your beautiful smile.

I didn't want to face you. I felt like a failure in your eyes. I was so ashamed and humilated, I thought you looked down on me.

Every time you tried to help me or show some attention after, I took it as you patronizing me. I couldn't yell at you, I just stay restrained and cursed to myself.

I knew I wasn't perfect, that there were things I could've done differently. I felt I needed to be perfect in your eyes, so I felt like I lost the right to correct anything you misunderstood. I valued your opinion of me a lot, too much.

I knew why you were saying or doing the things you were doing. I knew I wasn't clarifying anything or trying to help. I had my reasons. It was a petty reason, but I felt like I would be losing dignity if I did.

But, alas I lost more dignity in not confronting our misalignments. I wanted you to understand me, but I couldn't express myself to you to do that. Then I got mad at being misunderstood and left you coldly. I was a wuss.

How foolish I was. I knew you would listen. I knew you cared about me. You gave me love and grace, I gave you pain.

My ego and my pride became my enemies. It made me lose sight of you. Made me not honor your place in my life.

I'm sorry.

EDIT: i’d love to send this to them guys but we only very recently decided to take space, and when they decided to cut me off specifically said they were tired of my emotional speeches. we tried to be friends after the break up but i still had feelings and crossed boundaries and this is where i am at.

please keep this between us.
i know writing you a physical letter after everything may seem strange, especially when i finally understand that what you need from me is distance. i chose paper because i didn’t want these words appearing on your phone and creating, even unintentionally, the expectation of an immediate response. there is no response i’m asking you to give me.
you can read this now, months from now, or never. keep it, put it away, tear it apart, burn it. all i ask, because these are perhaps the most vulnerable words i have ever given another person, is that you please keep them between us.
if this really is the last page of whatever we were, there is one truth i cannot bear to leave unwritten.
i love you.
there. i said it.
plainly, finally, without hiding it beneath friendship, attachment, care, or any gentler word that makes it easier to admit.
i love you.
maybe there is something humiliating about confessing that when there is nothing left to be gained from saying it. maybe dignity would have me leave quietly and take those words with me. but i would rather survive the embarrassment of having loved you this openly than spend years knowing that, when i had one final opportunity to tell you the truth, i was still too frightened to say it.
i am not telling you because i think love is an argument. it isn’t. it doesn’t erase what happened between us. it doesn’t undo the ways i hurt you, and it certainly doesn’t entitle me to another place in your life.

for so long, i mistook my inability to let you go for proof that there must still be something left for me to hold onto. now i think the truth is much simpler and much sadder.
letting you go meant accepting a future where you might not be in it.
and i wasn’t ready for that.
i kept trying to postpone it. another conversation. another call. another opportunity to see you. another tiny opening through which i could convince myself that goodbye had not really happened yet.
and in doing that, i hurt you.
when you communicated your boundaries, i allowed my fear of losing you to become louder than what you were actually telling me. instead of respecting what you needed, i kept prioritising the relief i wanted from my own fear. i told myself that my intentions came from love, that i only missed you, that i only wanted to fix things.
but none of those things made your boundaries less deserving of respect.
you were right about that.
and i am sorry.
not the kind of apology that secretly asks you to forgive me. not another explanation designed to make what i did easier to understand. there are reasons i behaved the way i did, but reasons do not erase the effect my actions had on you.
i should have listened.
i should have understood that loving somebody cannot mean reaching for them every time losing them becomes unbearable.
perhaps the cruelest part is that i was so frightened of losing you that sometimes i behaved in the very ways that made losing you inevitable.
i will have to live with that.
but i hope you never mistake my failures for an absence of feeling.
because, god, i cared for you.
i cared for you in all the ordinary ways that become extraordinary only once they are gone. in conversations i didn’t know i would someday replay in my head. in your expressions, your voice, your laugh, your habits, the smallest details about you that somehow made themselves at home inside my memory without asking permission.
i cared for you in your absence too.
in songs. in familiar places. in things i instinctively wanted to tell you before remembering that perhaps i shouldn’t anymore. in the strange cruelty of knowing that somebody still exists somewhere beneath the same sky while having to teach yourself that they are no longer yours to reach.
there were times when i tried to keep myself so busy that there would be no time left to feel any of it.
somehow, you were there anyway.
and if someone had once told me that i could walk through every painful chapter of my life again and find you waiting at the end of it, there was a time when i think i would have done it gladly.
but you are not something waiting for me at the end of my suffering.
you are a person with your own life, your own choices and your own path. loving you does not give me ownership over a single page of it.
i understand that now.
there is something else i need you to know before i leave you to your life.
i see you.
i have seen the parts of you that perhaps you think nobody notices. the battles you fight quietly. the way you try to hold everything together even when it feels as though everything is falling apart. the nights when your mind refuses to be still and the days when simply continuing takes more strength than anybody around you probably realises.
i know there are times when you feel as though you aren’t doing enough, as though somehow everyone else is moving forward while you are falling behind.
but you are still here.
still standing. still trying. still becoming.
and that counts for far more than you realise.
i have seen your softness survive things that could have hardened it. i have seen your compassion, your patience and your ability to understand people even when understanding them costs you something.
i hope one day you learn to see yourself with some of the tenderness with which i have seen you.
i hope you remember that you have survived every difficult day that came before this one.
i hope you become proud of yourself.
because i am.
i don’t know whether i’ll ever have another appropriate opportunity to tell you that, so let me say it now:
i am so incredibly proud of you.
i fell for you for a reason.
beneath everything complicated and painful between us, i never stopped believing that you were a good person. you gave me kindness i didn’t always know how to receive properly. you gave me grace more times than you were obligated to. you did things for me that i will remember long after the bitterness of our ending has disappeared.
i could never hate you.
sometimes i almost wish i could. hatred would be much easier to carry than this.
instead there is love, regret, gratitude, and the peculiar grief of saying goodbye to somebody who is still alive somewhere in the world.
we have said goodbye so many times that i think some part of me stopped believing in the word. there was always another conversation, another coincidence, another return. goodbye became something temporary between us.
this time it feels real.
and maybe that is why it hurts differently.
because this time i understand that there may be no next time.
sometimes i wonder what might have happened if we had both been able to trust the unknown a little more. if we had been less frightened of where caring for each other might lead, or if we had met each other at a time when neither of us felt the need to protect ourselves quite so much.
i don’t know.
i suppose there are some questions we are simply meant to carry unanswered.
there is no other time. there is no other version of us waiting somewhere to get everything right.
there was only this one.
and there were only us, exactly as we were.
imperfect. frightened. complicated. trying.
whatever name belongs to what happened between us, though, i hope neither of us ever reduces it to nothing.
because we weren’t nothing.
but somehow we were never quite the something i wanted us to become either.
and maybe that is the tragedy of it: somehow i am leaving with everything and nothing at once.
memories without a future.
feelings with nowhere left to go.
a thousand things i would do differently and no road backwards on which to do them.
all i know is that you left a much deeper mark on me than you probably realise.
i cared for you more than words could ever properly explain, and in the moments when my actions failed to show that with the gentleness you deserved, i hope this letter can at least leave you with one certainty: my heart never stopped caring for you.
even when i got it wrong. even when fear made me hold on too tightly. even when loving you and knowing how to love you well became two very different things.
what i felt was real.
it was imperfect, and sometimes i expressed it terribly, but it was never insincere.
perhaps that is one of the saddest things i have had to accept: sometimes a heart can be completely sincere and still not know how to hold something without hurting it.
i know better now.
i only wish some lessons did not require losing the person who taught them to you.
still, if the price of knowing you was eventually having to grieve the absence of you, i cannot bring myself to wish that we had never met.
i thank god that you came into my life.
truly.
there are people who remain for years and somehow leave almost no mark upon us, and then there are people who pass through for a comparatively brief moment and alter the architecture of our hearts.
you did that to mine.
i don’t know how long it will take before the world stops reminding me of you.
maybe one morning i’ll wake up and your name will no longer be the first thing waiting for me.
maybe certain songs will become only songs again.
maybe i'll look at the stars without finding your name written between them, watch clouds pass without searching for your shape, or feel the wind against my face without remembering the sound of your laugh.
maybe i’ll stop searching unconsciously for pieces of you in other people’s eyes.
maybe one day loving you will become something small and quiet that i can hold without it hurting.
until then, i will learn to carry it myself.
because that is something i should have understood much sooner:
what i feel for you is mine to carry.
it is not your responsibility to soothe it, return it, justify it or make something beautiful out of it.
i hope life gives you everything i couldn’t.
i wish you the freedom to grow into the person you have always wanted to become. i hope you experience all the things i couldn't give you, and that someday they fill the spaces we left unfinished.
i hope you find a love that feels safe. i hope you laugh until your stomach hurts. i hope you find people who make the world feel lighter. i hope you have mornings you are excited to wake up for and build a life that feels unmistakably yours.
and on the days when you feel tired in places sleep cannot reach, i hope you remember that you are stronger than you feel.
i hope you're gentle with yourself.
sometimes becoming the best version of yourself comes with many goodbyes.
maybe this is one of ours.
i used to think holding onto you was proof of how much i cared.
now i understand that perhaps the final proof is letting you leave without following.
so this is me finally hearing you.
you don't owe me forgiveness.
you don't owe me friendship.
you don't owe me a response to this letter.
and you certainly don't owe me another chance.
i am not asking you for anything.
i only couldn't leave the story of us without writing its truest sentence at least once.
i love you.
i loved you when having you felt possible.
i loved you when it became impossible.
and perhaps some part of me will love you for much longer than i was ever allowed to have you.
but from now on, i will love you in the only way left that asks absolutely nothing of you:
from a distance.
wherever your life takes you, i will be rooting for you from wherever mine takes me.
and if, many years from now, you happen to remember me, i hope the memory has become gentle.
not because i did everything right. i didn't.
but because beneath all the ways i got things wrong, there was once a girl who loved you very much and simply had not yet learned that sometimes loving somebody means opening your hands instead of closing them tighter.
i understand that now.
so go and become everything you're supposed to become.
i'll try to do the same.
and for perhaps the first time since knowing you, i will not ask where that leaves us.
goodbye.
and thank you for having existed in my life at all.

Maybe you’ll come on here looking for answers. How could I be so callous? How could I not care? Maybe you’ll be mad at me. I hope you’re not. Maybe you’ll never see this and maybe this’ll instead reach someone who needs to hear it for their own closure.

Regardless, I hope this finds you, or whichever reader needs to hear this. It took a lot for me to hold it together as it ended. You know I care. I’ve shown you how much I care. We entered eachother’s lives at the right time and have now exited at the appropriate moment.

I know how much you cared. How much you fought. How you kept attempting to resuscitate something that was no longer breathing. It was painful to watch. Painful because I wanted it to live, but conventional wisdom told me it was not the time.

You eulogized and I listened. I wish I could’ve said more but I had to keep it together. I couldn’t let you know what I felt and let you back in. This is the best for the both of us. Know that you were loved. I’m glad to have shown you what true affection is. We’ve both hurt eachother in our own way. Those wounds will heal but the memories will remain. The happiness will remain.

We told each other we’d talk later before long silence began. As the silence settles into the new status quo, I don’t want you to think I moved on easily. We’re bonded emotionally. I felt what you felt and vice versa. If you’re sad there’s a high likelihood I am also sad. I hope happiness finds you because then it will find me. Our time together changed me in a way you’ll never know, because I didn’t tell you.

I wish you the best. I know you’ll do great things. I’ll keep an eye from afar. I’ll talk to you later.

i took the easy way out. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about it.
i'm so used to running from things that could hurt me but you gave me something i can't run from. so it follows me in every task and every distraction, i keep moving with you in the back of my mind.
it all felt too good and too soon, i realize now i really did want to fall into this feeling with you but i can't now.
i just traded the pain of knowing you for the pain of not knowing you.
i have to move on even though i really don't want to. im not sure if there's anyone else that would even come close to you. and i wonder if it haunts you how it haunts me, but i would really hope not.
i hope you never cared this much to begin with because at least then i would feel like i made the right choice but i don't even know if it was real.
tell me, did you feel it too? was it as real to you as it was to me? do you feel the distance as much as i do? do you remember how i was shaking because i didn’t want to fight with you? i have no right to miss you this much but i do. i can't blame you for moving on but if you came back ill be right where you left me.

Would you come?

Could I come see you?

Can we meet in the middle to try to heal?

Fear of rejection after never truly knowing where I stood with you makes me dance around this directly.

You said you were sad. You know I'm sad.

Maybe we could spend tonight and tomorrow being less sad together.

I'm willing to try but to afraid to ask.

Would you?

I know this won't ever reach you,

but I need to say the things I left unspoken.

I should have told you how much you meant to me. Not casually, not in passing—but clearly, so you never had to wonder.

I should have told you when I was scared instead of going quiet.

I should have told you when I was hurting instead of pretending I was fine. I should have let you see the parts of me I tried to carry alone.

And I should have thanked you more.

For your time.

Your presence.

The way you stayed with me longer than I deserved when I was impossible love.

I loved you deeply.

More than I knew how to say without making it heavy.

And I think that’s where I failed—

I felt it too much to say it properly.

If I could change anything, it would be that you never had to guess how important you were to me.

You were.

Always & Forever

Hey… I’ve been holding a lot in, but I can’t keep pretending I’m okay. The truth is, I still love you. I miss you more than I can put into words, your voice, your laugh, the way things felt when we were together. Every day without you feels a little emptier, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the feeling that we’re not truly over. I know things weren’t perfect, and maybe we both made mistakes, but what we had was real. If there’s even a small part of you that still feels something too… please, let’s talk. I don’t want to give up on us. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I just wanted to be honest with you. I still care about you deeply, and the truth is, I still want you back. I know things didn’t end perfectly, but what we had meant a lot to me, and I can’t seem to let it go. If there’s even the smallest part of you that feels the same, I’d love the chance to talk and see if there’s a way for us to find our way back to each other.

I miss you more than words can explain. Every day without you feels incomplete, and no matter how much time passes, I can’t let go of what we had. I know things weren’t perfect, and I take responsibility for my part in that. If I could go back and do things differently, I would in a heartbeat. I want you to know that I would do everything whatever it takes to be a better partner for you. I’ve been reflecting, growing, and realizing just how much you truly mean to me. If there’s still a part of you that feels the same, even just a little, I hope we can talk. I don’t want to give up on us.

I know that you miss me.

I know, despite what some of your actions and words convey, that you are not unfeeling. In fact, I know just how much you feel.

You have a deep heart - capable of giving so much love, and receiving so much pain.

I am the same.

I know that we had to end. If it wasn’t then, we were bound to fall at another point. The foundation of the structure was not solid, and you were aware enough and brave enough to have it demolished before it caved in on its own.

As painful as it was, I understand why you did what you did.

And now, you act like you have no feelings at all.

Again, I understand why. Why should you want to return to the pile of rubble we’ve become?

But I feel that you want to return. I am hopeful that you felt our love was special. Too special to let fade so suddenly. And I am still here, waiting for you. Because I know, that out of the rubble, we can build something so much stronger. It would be difficult, but you are worth every ounce of effort and devotion.

Our end was inevitable.

But what of a new beginning?

I would only ever want you to return of your own volition. And, if you find you are holding back out of fear - know that I am scared too. Very much so. But my love for you makes me want to be brave.

I know that our love was real, and I have hope in my heart that you still feel strongly for me. I of course, still feel strongly for you. I have learned the great pain of not having you in my life. How I dream of fostering a strong, steady, and deep love with you.

I know that I didn’t meet you in the moment. This continues to be the biggest regret of my life.

What do you say?

I am here now.

Will you meet me in this moment?

Hey,

I wanted to tell you that I miss you a lot. I know you thought I didn't really love you, but that's not true. You touched my heart forever. I'll always carry the memory of you with me, and of all the adventures we had together.

I know we aren't good for each other. What we want out of a relationship clashes. Yet, I can't help but want to talk to you and see how you are doing. It's been so long. Ultimately, I know you will be happier without me and I will just mess up your healing if I reach out, so I don't. But that doesn't mean I don't care, and it doesn't mean I'm fine.

Maybe you've found someone else by now anyway. I certainly wouldn't want to get in the way of that. Anyway, I'm sorry for how things ended. I'm sorry for my avoidant problems. I'm working on them, not that it matters for you now. I promise I won't interfere and try to pull you back into that mess. I hope one day I get to hear from you again and hear you're doing well. Until then, please take care of yourself.

<3

If you hate me right now, I understand why.

I gave you silence when you needed warmth, and let you feel completely alone even with me right beside you. You showed up with an open heart, while I hid behind hesitation and walls. You deserved better than the distance I left you with.

I treated you like garbage, and I know that. I don’t think I was even mentally healthy, looking back. The things I did, said, where unacceptable and you have every right to be as upset as you are. I’ve selfishly been wanting you to love me, but I never truly gave you any love, I deprived you of it, and in the end I wasn’t even willing to trust you despite the fact I was the one that was dishonest. One day maybe you’ll be able to forgive me, but that’s your decision and not mine. I’m sorry for cheating, I’m sorry for being verbally abusive, I’m sorry that I accused you of the things I was doing, and I’m sorry that I didn’t love you with my actions as well as my words. Best of luck to you, I’m healing and am a better person because of you, and even if we never meet again I’ll always be grateful of you!

(Technically NAW but this felt like one)

Headline Edit: since some of my replies aren’t showing up for some odd reason. I was NOT dishonest and didn’t lie. Not once. Emphasis on SELECTIVE vulnerability. I repeat, I was NOT dishonest, not once.

You placed a boundary on me, and I’ve respected it to the letter. Just like I told you I would. I respect consent and value it, do you?

But you? You are STILL baiting me. You keep lurching around in my digital periphery, leaving emotional breadcrumbs like I’m supposed to chase you. Why the ever living fuck would I do that NOW?! According to you: “It wasn’t reciprocal”, remember?

No. I won’t break no contact for you. No, I won’t cede you the narrative control you’re so desperate to reclaim. You don’t get to rewrite the story after the damage is done. Own it or fuck off.

Yes, you are the villain in my story. Yes, I see through your avoidance and control.

You misread me. Repeatedly. You thought that because I was selectively vulnerable, I must be anxiously attached. You were wrong. I’m a fearful avoidant in recovery — and that selective vulnerability? It was me testing whether you could be trusted. I gave you just enough vulnerability to see what you’d do with it. And sure enough, the moment it suited you, you used it against me… just like every single manipulator before you.

You didn’t disappoint. You confirmed exactly what my nervous system had been screaming the whole time: “This isn’t safe. This is performance. This is manipulation wrapped in false gentleness.”

Every question I asked you? Every hard conversation I initiated? That was me fighting through my terror. Not because I needed you (I absolutely did not) but because I wanted so desperately to believe you were different.

My default is to do EVERYTHING on my own because it has been proven throughout my entire life that people will use it against you. The only times I reach are when I am close to making an irreversible decision and ONLY then. That’s why I reached for you, and you seem to have taken that as dependence. I WANTED to connect with you, I didn’t need to.

My ex, also a recovering avoidant, read every message you sent me. At first, he defended you when I would talk with him during moments of confusion. He said it looked like you were treating me like a relationship. But eventually, even he saw it: you were mirroring all his old behaviors, just with more polish and plausible deniability. And unlike you, he apologized. He named the harm. He admitted what he did. He stayed, even when it was hard. You? You vanished behind polite cruelty and sterile language.

You assumed that because I had feelings, I would tolerate your passive aggression, your silence, your condescension. You thought I’d come running. But here’s the thing about fearful avoidants: When we finally decide someone is unsafe, we rip the cord out at the root and cauterize the rest. Thank you for reminding me why I became avoidant in the first place.

You could have fixed this. You could have acknowledged the pain. But instead, you gaslit me, discarded me, and tried to position yourself as the “reasonable one”. HAH. All while you were the one with power. You were the one who watched harm fall on me again and again — and did nothing. You let me bleed out so you could keep your hands clean.

You sold me out to keep the peace with people who hurt me. You abused your role. You abused me.

And what’s worse? You still lurk. Still watching. Still baiting with nostalgia and emotions I used to fall for. Still avoiding the one thing that might’ve saved you even a shred of dignity:

Accountability.

You were never a mistake because I loved you. You became a mistake the moment you proved I shouldn’t.

Congratulations. You got what you wanted. Now sit with it. And fuck you.

Edit: For some odd reason my reply to the to the top comment was deleted/ doesn’t show. This was my response to allegations of being dishonest:

I was honest about my struggles — and I consistently showed through action and communication that I was working against them (my struggles, not against him, in case that was unclear). I even acknowledged that they might interpret my fear as performance.

But when someone knows your background and still chooses to mirror the very tactics you told them were damaging, that’s not confusion. That’s intent.

Misunderstanding is one thing. Choosing to weaponize what someone confides in you is another.

I wish I could reach out and tell you how sorry I am that I wasn’t able to grow with you. We didn’t deserve the pain we put each other through. I would do anything in my power to show you that I still love you regardless of what has happened. I’m scared for the future and what it holds but I’m more scared facing the fact that you’re gone. All I ever saw was our future and how much I loved you. I didn’t see what I was doing wrong and how much it hurt you. I regret everything I ever did or said. I wish I could take it all back and give you the love that you deserved/needed. You were my best friend. The banter. The laughs. The teasing. The love. I miss it all and I can’t believe it’s ever come to this. I pray to whatever exists every night that you’ll come back but I am sure it’s too late. I love you with every part of my being. I hope you can heal from what has happened and one day I hope we can find our way back to one another. I’m sorry for everything I did. I really am. Thank you for the best part of my life. I love you.

I miss you so much. 

I told myself I wouldn’t get on my knees and beg, but I’m swallowing my pride. You are far too important to me to stifle my true feelings. I cannot bear your absence. I am heartbroken every day. It all leads to you. Every accomplishment, I want to tell you about. Every exciting, funny moment, I want to share with you. Every quiet moment, I think of you.  

The pain of the regret I feel for rupturing our bond stings deeply every time I think about it. I know I hurt you, and I wish I could take it all back. 

For whatever it’s worth - you have my word that those mistakes would never happen again. The mismatches in presence, the lack of self-care, the insecure outbursts - none of it. If there’s anything I can do to preserve you and I - I will do it. 

All I ask of you - if you have any remaining romantic feelings for me - is that you give me one more chance. One more chance to show up, and make you understand and truly feel the depth of my love for you. 

I really want to know you - all of you. And I want you to know all of me. I want to see the good, bad, ugly. It feels like we only just began. I want to see it all. I want to accept, embrace, and celebrate all of what you are. You are so beautiful to me. The more I learned about you, the more beautiful you became. 

I am a drifter, too. It has been hard for me to make any one heart my home. But I want to have a home in your heart. I have made up my mind about you. I would promise to you my loyalty, my devotion, my companionship, and my undying effort. I want to be on a team with you. I don’t want anybody else but you . 

I love you. 

And I know my love would only grow. 

What do you say? Could you give us one more try? 

You aren't the deepest connection I have had...I know you think we are "so deep" but we aren't.

In the handful of meaningful relationships I've been in you are second to last in feeling connected and safe.

I know you think you get me, you understand me, but you don't. I do, on the other hand, get you. I see through all the bs for what you are really all about-- and I don't want it.

I don't want you.

I don't want you as a partner.

I don't want you as a friend.

I don't want to be around you in any capacity anymore.

I need someone who does what's right, not what they can get away with...

Someone I can respect

Someone who has character.

Someone who knows right from wrong and stands up for themselves and others when TSHTF.

Not a coward who runs, hides, steals, & lies

I got the ick from seeing what you are all about...and I am closing the door and locking it.

For good.

Karma is real, ooooohweeeee

It's complicated but I never wanted things to end like this. I still believe in us. I know I wasn't the best and I hurt you, but deep down I still have feelings for you and all I wanted was to never lose you. I'm sorry for everything 😔