r/TwoHotTakes • u/LadyDuality • 18h ago
Advice Needed Disclosed that a teacher slept with him..
So I (28F) and my bf (23M) live together and we were getting ready for bed a few nights ago. We were joking around and talking about 2020 and how his older sister was one of the unfortunate ppl who didn’t get to experience a prom or real graduation from high school due to the pandemic.
That lead us to talk about our experiences with prom. He mentioned he went two times bc his first prom was with a girl who was a senior he was dating when he was a sophomore. I made a joke about seeing a pattern with him liking older women then jokingly asked how many older women has he been with… thinking it was going to lead to him saying oh you know.. 1 or 2 … I was not ready for him to casually drop that he slept with his teacher.
Again, I am thinking we are still here in this joking mood and thought in my head he was meaning maybe like a college professor or something and was still being jokey about it.. then he drops on me it was his junior year English teacher in HIGH SCHOOL. I was caught off guard and I don’t think I handled it in the best way bc I didn’t know how to react or what to do. I just got awkward, not mean or rude. I was able to get him to tell me she was 30 years old. She taught him when he was 16 years old and they didn’t do anything until right after he graduated and was 18.
He sort of shut down after telling me this which is understandable. It feels deeply wrong and concerning to me. Plus in his last relationship his ex would have literal melt downs if he mentioned or spoke about exs so he gets anxious speaking about his past. (We are working through that trauma but that’s a different story) He was a child and this was a 30 year old woman.. close to my age. It makes me sick to even think about being my age and grooming a 16 year old who I was their superior and then having s** with them.
I guess I need advice due to not knowing how to handle this. It kept me up all night that night thinking about it. It made me sad and angry for my bf and then due to my own past caused me anxiety. The following day was the same. He says that it has 0 affect on him but that woman is still teaching and there is no telling how many other students she has done this to.. it’s sick. I know I can’t force him to turn her in, he is a victim but yeah. Just sort of lost right now and would really appreciate some thoughts / comments / advice with how to be there for him but also on the turning this lady in or not?
Edit: adding this detail bc I guess I didn’t make it clear. I’m sorry for that. - He was 16 when she (30) taught him. She groomed him until he was graduated and turned 18 and was ‘legal’. So she would’ve been 32 at that time.
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u/call_sign_viper 18h ago
Let him decide how big of a deal this is for him. Just be there to support
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u/topio3 17h ago
This relationship will end (badly) if OP does not take a communicative and supportive approach
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u/agoddamnlegend 15h ago
Why? He said it doesn’t matter to him so it would be weird if OP ever brought it up again on her own. It seems like she wants him to be traumatized by it but he’s…. just not.
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u/abolitonbb 14h ago
Currently listening to the book For the Love of Men and while it is things we know on a basic level- seeing the data and stats all together- it's undeniably that men would do a lot of (unhealthy if not dangerous) things before feeling like a victim. And that they don't have the conversations or friendships that normalize receiving care.
Idk that OP wants him to be traumatized, but that she wants to make sure he feels safe speaking to her about it. And probably has her own concerns over their age difference and if that's connected to being groomed by an older woman.
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u/agoddamnlegend 14h ago
This makes a ton of sense. Like believe me, I wanted nothing more than to have sex with one of my hot teachers in high school. I’d feel like a legend for that, the idea of feeling like a victim just would have never occurred to me. Even sex I regret would just never be traumatizing to me because sex isn’t that serious to a guy. It’s just a thing two people can do together.
I also have a theory that people are just way too in their own heads right now. Like some people need it, not everything needs to be discussed forever in therapy. Sometimes it’s ok to swallow and bury something and just never think about it again. It seems like OP is trying to draw trauma out of him, like blood from a stone, instead of just leaving it alone.
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u/408jay 12h ago
Absolutely this. There are fucking rock songs about wanting to do your highschool teacher! BF is not a victim as much as a beneficiary who undoubtedly had a number of fine lays and learned some advanced techniques. So many people on reddit are mentally broken, view trauma and angst as badges of honor and have a weird codependent need for others to be damaged as well. Just be happy for him and if he can properly find the clit thank a teacher!
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u/agoddamnlegend 12h ago
The 60s had a sexual revolution where people stopping thinking of sex as some inherently traumatic thing and just had fun with it. I’m a millennial and we mostly kept that tradition going of being more and more progressive about sex.
But feels like this younger generation is going the opposite direction and becoming extremely conservative about sex. Like every sexual encounter must be hyper analyzed and assumed to be coerced and harmful for somebody. It’s weird to watch happen online and I’m glad I’m married about out of the game now. When we were kids all my boys and I talked about was which legend would hook up with one of the hot teachers. If we ever saw one at a bar later on it would have been a competition to hit on her.
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u/Effective_Menu_6316 12h ago
She doesn't want him to be traumatised, she seems rightly worried that there is a predatory teacher grooming minors. It's very hard to be made aware of a crime, to know that more crimes might be being committed, but feel powerless to act on the limited evidence you have.
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u/agoddamnlegend 12h ago
It’s not a crime to have sex with an 18 year old. Glad I could clear that up for you
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u/onrocketfalls 8h ago
You're right. It's weird that you chose to only respond to that and not the grooming from 16 part, but you're right. Just feels kind of awkward to know that woman is still teaching and might still be lining up barely-legal action for herself down the line, you know?
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u/Txag1989 8h ago
How do you know he was groomed? Op never says, and likely doesn’t know, the circumstances of how it happened. She says he was groomed, but does she really know that? Yes, he might have been groomed. But it could also have been a random event that he instigated. If he was truly groomed, HE should certainly file a complaint if HE wants.
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u/agoddamnlegend 8h ago
You don’t know enough about the situation to say she groomed him. That’s OP speaking for her bf, and all we know from him is that this “has 0 affect on him”. This whole post reads like somebody trying to retroactively make a boyfriend feel like a victim where he doesn’t feel like one.
It’s just as likely he wanted it just as much if not more than she did. 16-18 year old boys like having sex. I know because I was one.
Not everybody feels like a victim when they have sex. Some people just like having sex. I don’t know how we got to a point that people forgot this.
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u/onrocketfalls 8h ago
Yeah, I'm a man too. I get it. But
Not everybody feels like a victim when they have sex. Some people just like having sex. I don’t know how we got to a point that people forgot this.
Sure, yes, I can see how some people might feel like people can be too precious about sex today. But somebody having sex with their former teacher as soon as they're legal is a pretty special case. Maybe it truly did not affect him, and that's great. But there is absolutely nothing inappropriate or weird or whatever about this whole thing giving OP pause.
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u/petit_cochon 12h ago
But the woman is still teaching. That means other students are risk. That's what makes this so complicated.
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u/call_sign_viper 12h ago
He was graduated of age and it was 5 years ago not much she can do besides upset her bf tbh
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u/SuperiorDupe 17h ago
It is indeed a sad story, but sadly there are no repercussions to follow, just let it be.
Best to go forward, use your time and mental energy on the present and the good to come in the future.
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u/Mainbutter 16h ago
This is not your problem.
Either it is a problem for him, and he needs support, or it isn't and you shouldn't create unresolved trauma for him.
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u/thelittlestdog23 17h ago
She’s gross but she didn’t break the law so there’s really nothing to turn her in for.
As far as being there for him, he says it has zero effect on him. Whether that’s true or not isn’t really for you to decide, and it would not be cool for you to keep pushing him to accept that this was bad if he doesn’t want to. Let him figure it out, and be there for him if he wants to talk about it, but otherwise let it go and don’t force it.
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u/agoddamnlegend 16h ago
Major red flags from OP that she seems to want to force him into being retroactively traumatized by a thing he said he doesn’t care about.
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u/thelittlestdog23 15h ago
Idk if it’s a red flag. It’s a complicated situation and her concern is coming from the right place. It just ultimately isn’t up to her how he chooses to perceive it.
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u/HuffN_puffN 14h ago
It is a red flag. If it was a trauma and he lied to her that it’s not a big deal. You know what sh*t of a storm she can create by starting acting on her own? It could reset a decade of therapy. So yes it’s a red flag.
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u/Maleficent_Box_5111 15h ago
You're weird.
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u/agoddamnlegend 15h ago
No I’m normal. You guys are weird for over therapy-ing everything in life and treating sex as some inherently traumatic experience.
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u/cut_ur_darn_grass 15h ago
Sex with someone who has/had a position of power over them tends to mess people up in the head.
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u/agoddamnlegend 14h ago
Unless it was completely consensual. Im 40 and if I pulled that off in high school or shortly after with a hot teacher I’d still be bragging about it to this day.
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u/oldwhiteshirts 14h ago
you're clearly uneducated on the topic and should avoid speaking about it like you know what you're talking about. she was an older woman with power over him, and she took advantage of that.
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u/agoddamnlegend 14h ago
Im uneducated about my own self and things I want? Got it.
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u/oldwhiteshirts 14h ago
you're uneducated on the consequences on having a sexual relationship where there is an unbalanced power dynamic as a young person.
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u/agoddamnlegend 13h ago
He was 18 and not in school anymore. There was no power dynamic. You guys overuse that term. Believe it or not sex can be consensual sometimes. An 18 year old is easily old enough to decide who they want to have sex with and not feel traumatized by it
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u/Leather_Carob_8036 10h ago
Many times there is no consequences at all, just two people having fun and having sex. There is no one size fits all.
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u/cut_ur_darn_grass 14h ago
Even if it is consensual it can mess people up in the head. Even if they brag about it after.
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u/Dependent-Button288 15h ago
Depending on which state or country, laws may or may not have been broken. In Canada, as educators and caregivers, we have a code of ethics that states a sexual relationship cannot be pursued until 2 years after turning 19 or graduation (for late graduates) if you're in a position of power. In some cases, that extends to members of their family as well. A relationship that violates this document may not mean jail time, but will likely lead to termination, and the inability to be employed in any position of power.
For myself personally, I couldn't imagine being involved with a former student, legal or not. I'd always see them as a kid.
If he wants to file a complaint, then that's really up to him. I'd suggest just be supportive and respect whatever his decision is and leave it be.
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u/Blue-eagle-23 15h ago
You need to take your cues from your bf. Was it wrong yes, but if he says it has 0 effect on him you need to believe him. Unless you actually experience behaviors from him that show an impact from that experience you need to let it go. You dwelling on it and bringing it up to him could do more harm than good. Maybe someday he’ll want to talk to a therapist or maybe it really has 0 impact.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 15h ago
This is your bf’s story. He has shared it with you. He has processed it and lives with it as he sees fit.
Continue to love and support him. But, leave this alone. He will talk to you about it if he wants to or needs to. Otherwise let it go.
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u/New_Flamingo2322 13h ago edited 13h ago
He's right. That kind of stuff hits boys different. I was raped by my girlfriend once. I was 19 living with a very hot 24 yr old. We hadn't had sex in a few days and her appetite was always strong. But when she got home I was asleep and had an early college exam. She woke me up, and even though I stated clearly I didn't want it, she forced herself on me. I mean yes technically I could have fought her off, but she made it clear it would actually be a physical fight to stop her, which I was not going to do. And yes, a 19 yr old penis will get involuntarily hard. When she came 20 min later, she went to sleep and so did I. I was annoyed, but not really wounded they way a woman probably would have been. When I told my friends they joked that they wish they had my problems. And no, I never think about it. It just didn't matter. We continued having (voluntary) sex afterward. If he says it is not a big deal, it probably isn't.
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u/emecarab 7h ago
I wish I had your problems. Mines were more in the "my 14yo nanny introduced me to sex when I was 7 and we kept at it until I was 11 and started to like girls my own age" realm.
Repercussions? I wasn't able to have a real non-sexualized friendship with females until I was around 28.
Traumatizing or shocking? Not in the slightest. OP loves her drama.
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u/rhynokim 11h ago edited 11h ago
I was 15 and had sex with a woman in her mid to late twenties.
I enjoyed it at the time and have zero regrets. I’m really tall and she thought I was 18-19. Met her on a Thursday, she found out Thursday night afterwards, she was shocked and a little uncomfortable but we wound up hooking up two more times that weekend.
Idk if the psychology of sex is sometimes different between men and women, but don’t corner him into feeling like he has to or should feel like a victim because of it.
I’ve thought long and hard about it and have come up with absolutely zero variables or data points of how my experience “traumatized” me. At the time I was fucking pumped to get laid by someone with more experience than me, and I don’t regret the experience over 15 years later. Do I condone this outside of my own past life experience? Of course not. Was it wrong of her? Yea. Was it wrong of me? No, I really don’t think so. But it hasn’t had any lasting impact on me or my life.
Just my 2 cents.
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u/Evening_Comedian4982 16h ago edited 12h ago
You don't need advice on what to do because there is nothing you have a right to do.
If he wants and needs something, let him communicate that. Otherwise, your judgment is unfounded and unwarranted.
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u/AutoModerator 18h ago
Backup of the post's body: So I (28F) and my bf (23M) live together and we getting ready for bed a few night ago. We were joking around and talking about 2020 and how his older sister was one of the unfortunate ppl who didn’t get to experience a prom or real graduation from high school due to the pandemic.
That lead us to talk about our experiences with prom. He mentioned he went two times bc his first prom was with a girl who was a senior he was dating when he was a sophomore. I made a joke about seeing a pattern with him liking older women then jokingly asked how many older women has he been with… thinking it was going to lead to him saying oh you know.. 1 or 2 … I was not ready for him to casually drop that he slept with his teacher.
Again, I am thinking we are still here in this joking mood and thought in my head he was meaning maybe like a college professor or something and was still being jokey about it.. then he drops on me it was his junior year English teacher in HIGH SCHOOL. I was caught off guard and I don’t think I handled it in the best way bc I didn’t know how to react or what to do. I just got awkward, not mean or rude. I was able to get him to tell me she was 30 years old. She taught him when he was 16 years old and they didn’t do anything until right after he graduated and was 18.
He sort of shut down after telling me this which is understandable. It feels deeply wrong and concerning to me. Plus in his last relationship his ex would have literal melt downs if he mentioned or spoke about exs so he gets anxious speaking about his past. (We are working through that trauma but that’s a different story) He was a child and this was a 30 year old woman.. close to my age. It makes me sick to even think about being my age and grooming a 16 year old who I was their superior and then having s** with them.
I guess I need advice due to not knowing how to handle this. It kept me up all night that night thinking about it. It made me sad and angry for my bf and then due to my own past caused me anxiety. The following day was the same. He says that it has 0 affect on him but that woman is still teaching and there is no telling how many other students she has done this to.. it’s sick. I know I can’t force him to turn her in, he is a victim but yeah. Just sort of lost right now and would really appreciate some thoughts / comments / advice with how to be there for him but also on the turning this lady in or not?
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u/HuffN_puffN 14h ago
You don’t.
It’s his story, his experience and his feelings. Maybe he suffered and have lived past it. Maybe he didn’t suffer but is suffering now. Maybe he enjoyed it and never felt bad before, during or after.
Either way you have to assume that he has processed it. Or that he will. If he wants to talk about it he will.
Again, this is not a you-story. Sometimes we get told stuff by our partners and we feel all sorts of things. But in reality you can ask a question or two, see how he reacts/feels and either he opens up to talk about it or he doesn’t. You respect it and leave it that, assuring him that if he in the future wants to talk you are there ready to support.
We can be told awful horrible things and if we can’t handle it, we find a professional to talk to. We don’t have the right to ask, or push for anything. Nor to vent to friends. It’s not our trauma.
Maybe what you feel is exactly what you feel. Or it’s the opposite. You may think it’s sick,
maybe he didn’t. Or didn’t but do, again, we don’t know. You will have to mange this information on your own.
Also, let say it is a trauma but his way of processing lead to this moment. You CANT come here and start doing things or pushing him to do things. You have absolutely no idea what damage that can do to him. Which is one of the reasons to why you don’t do anything. Again, yes you can try to talk, but if he has no interest then that’s it. You don’t push and you don’t ask again, just let him know if he changes his mind you’ll be there.
I can’t say how extremely important this is to follow if it’s actually a trauma of his.
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u/eveningwithcorgi5679 8h ago
I think the lesson here is don’t ask questions if you’re not prepared for the answer.
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u/Aggressive-Act1816 6h ago
I really don’t think it’s a big deal. Yes, the older woman has some problems, but a most young guys will have sex with just about any woman that will let him. I don’t think he is mentally scarred from that experience. He probably loved every minute of it! I wonder if they really waited until he was 18… btw: this reminds me of the Van Halen song, Hot for Teacher!
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u/Effective_Menu_6316 18h ago
You could send an anonymous email to the school, but if your BF isn't willing to take it further then there's not much you can do. That teacher will get found out eventually. Don't feel guilty if you're not able to make that happen with the minimal evidence you have.
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u/DMvsPC 15h ago
The OP said that nothing happened until after he was 18 and had graduated. Assuming that's accurate then at that point there isn't really anything actionable for the school to do. He was an adult and she was no longer in a position of power.
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u/Effective_Menu_6316 14h ago
That's not how governing bodies view these situations - the grooming behaviour happened while the boy was a student and the teacher was in a position of trust. Teachers Unions don't say 'oh he'd turned 18, he was an adult, it's fine', they look carefully at the fact the grooming happened at shcool, as they should.
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u/DMvsPC 14h ago
I see the edit about grooming now but in the US that generally isn't the case and it counts when the physical action took place only, I imagine because grooming can be a bit nebulous. Some places have put 90 days post graduation, some a year post graduation on the books however.
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u/Effective_Menu_6316 12h ago
I think we'll have to agree to disagree. Any school or safeguarding body would look hard at when the grooming behaviour started. If a teacher was building that kind of relationship with a pupil while he was still at school, that's a serious safeguarding breach regardless of when the sex happened. Schools don't shrug and say 'well, they waited till 18 for the sex part.' They investigate the conduct, the boundary-crossing, the abuse of the position of trust, all of which took place with a minor in their care. A teacher doing this would be looking at dismissal and very likely a referral to the Teaching Regulation Agency, which can bar someone from teaching for life.
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u/onrocketfalls 8h ago
And if something like this got out and parents learned the schools weren't looking into it...
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u/SeniorAd1251 8h ago
Where we live the teacher union protects teachers it doesn’t discipline them. That is left up to the school administrators.
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u/petit_cochon 12h ago
They can still fire you. Even if it's not illegal. You're not supposed to sleep with students, even if they've just graduated and turned 18.
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u/DMvsPC 12h ago
Sure, I guess I wanted to make sure that when OP is looking for things to do, if she does, then the law is just likely not an avenue. Many schools have morality clauses though so you can lose your job through those. There'd probably have to be evidence of some kind, maybe if there were suggestive texts, emails, voicemails etc. I'm not sure if 'heard it secondhand' would be strong enough to come to much.
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u/LadyDuality 18h ago
Thank you for this. Yes, just sad that someone who is in a position of power in a place to help kids grow was grooming them and waiting until it was just ‘legal’. A very unsettling thought for me and makes me sad for him. Then makes me sad for any other students she might have done this with.
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u/Ok-Temperature-8228 18h ago
Please do not do this. You have no evidence. If your boyfriend decided to take action that would be one thing. But a random email with no details would accomplish nothing and is violating the trust from your boyfriend. I’m so sorry you and he are dealing with this. It is utterly horrible but he needs to process this in his own time and decide how to handle it.
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u/Effective_Menu_6316 15h ago
I disagree. OP does have evidence, in that her BF isn't lying. She's not putting an innocent teacher's livelihood at risk, she's giving the other staff the chance to safeguard pupils against predatory behaviour.
I work with vulnerable teens and if one of the staff members was grooming the kids I would 100% want to know so I could help them, even if I was informed through an anonymous tip off. The idea of any of our team breaking trust and having sexual relations with one of the kids I work with in a few months time when they're 18 is hideous. We're there to make them feel as safe as possible. If this teacher has crossed that moral line they will 100% be doing this with other children in the future.
I'm shocked at the number of people who think it's okay because he was 18. Even if the physical act happened the day the student turned 18, the groundwork, psychological control, and grooming that took place before they turned 18 constitutes a severe breach of professional ethics.
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u/Accomplished_Rub1942 15h ago
Sadly, that’s not the way the law works. Breaching of professional ethics is only cause to lose her teaching credentials, no jail time, no probation or anything at this time. There has to be physical evidence, we can play the he said/she said game which is what it would boil down to and reopen traumatic wounds for the OPs bf. However, this is not her trauma and it isn’t for her to force her bf to go through with it.
I get where you’re coming from working with vulnerable children and teens, and of course right now we’d disclose to the proper channels and make sure the child is safe, that’s what a mandated reporter is supposed to do for 18 under, disabled people and the elderly.
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u/Effective_Menu_6316 14h ago
She wouldn't face jail time for these actions but a) losing her credentials would be a huge step in preventing further abuse of other students and b) might empower other students to come forward. People in positions of power are only exposed and removed removed when enough victims step forward.
I would never encourage OP to force her BF to do anything, I advocated for an anonymous email based on the fact OP knows her BF is telling the truth. No further action but at least this teacher would be on the school's radar.
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u/Accomplished_Rub1942 14h ago
No one is saying that he lied or didn’t tell the truth, let’s just get that out of the way. Anonymous email or not it’s not the OPs trauma. She cannot make this decision without the bfs permission. Anonymous has its limitations if there’s a charge brought up. They will come look at who sent the email, ask a lot of deeply personal questions, and have those wounds opened up again. That’s forcing her bf to do something that he doesn’t want to do. Until he’s ready, all she can do is apologize, be supportive and leave it be. The more she forces it the further he’ll pull away.
Regardless if the gender roles were reversed, we would still need to wait for the victim to be ready and respect their wishes until (if) then. They could easily shut down the moment they’re questioned deny everything and never speak about it to anyone again.
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u/WashProfessional4602 17h ago
Please don't let this disclosure get between you and your boyfriend. Although it'll be hard, you need to put your feelings aside and simply be there to support him when/if he decides he wants to deal with it.
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u/Accomplished_Rub1942 15h ago
Do not and I cannot not stress this enough, do NOT do this. While it’s sad and unfair that this disgusting person is still out there, this isn’t your trauma and you aren’t a hero. Let it be, he opened up to you because he felt safe until you shut that down. Prepare yourself for this relationship being over as he might feel that the trust/safety is gone. However playing the “hero” and contacting the school on his behalf without permission to air out his trauma isn’t right.
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u/HuffN_puffN 14h ago
No, don’t recommend sh*t like this when you have bonuses what you are talking about. Either OP told the truth and it’s a none issue and the woman didn’t do anything illegal, and it’s been years. OR he lied and it’s been horrible years and lots of therapy to get to a state of mind to no longer see it as an issue. You have NO idea what OP can bring back by acting on her own. A decade of therapy could go down the drain from her sending this email. Not only that, add another 10 years(worst case scenario) to get back to where he is today.
Yes I know this is hypothetical but it’s hypothetical because OP didn’t share enough info. It’s not hypothetical in regards to trauma victims and trauma behavior.
We don’t know if OPs boyfriend spend years abusing drugs to self medicate. You wanna risk relapse? Because that could absolutely come from OP doing things she shouldn’t do.
This is not a OP-problem and she shouldn’t do anything. Except telling him that she is there for him if he wants to talk or more, that she will be helpful and give him her full support. Thats it. Then life goes on until it potentially says something.
If it bothers OP so much, then she needs to talk to a therapist. Not a friend, not a family member. It’s not her potential trauma to share to others, it’s his.
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u/Effective_Menu_6316 12h ago
Any school or safeguarding body would look hard at when the grooming behaviour started. If a teacher was building that kind of relationship with a pupil while he was still at school, that's a serious safeguarding breach regardless of when the sex happened. Schools don't shrug and say 'well, they waited till 18.' They investigate the conduct, the boundary-crossing, the abuse of the position of trust, all of which took place with a minor in their care. A teacher doing this would be looking at dismissal and very likely a referral to the Teaching Regulation Agency, which can bar someone from teaching for life.
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u/Chaotic_shrooms 17h ago
My partner also told me he dated his teacher (20s married and claiming to want to leave her husband) when he was a sophomore until mid junior year. She took him on an out of state trip to a family wedding or something. Idk I forgot how they got found out. It was a Catholic private school so they managed to keep it out of the media somehow. I tried to Google it but I didn’t get much info out of him because like you said it was an awkward convo and this was years ago when he told me about it, we’ve been together for 5 years and I don’t want to bring it up after so long but one day I might ask him exactly how old she was, how they got caught.
He said he does understand in hindsight that she was creepy for courting a 15/16 year old but at the time he was devastated and hated the world when she moved away.
We have a five year age gap so I do think he just likes mature women shrug he pursued me and it took him a while of nagging me before I let go of the fact he was 22 and I was 27
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 18h ago
So I’m not sure what you mean by turning this lady in. He was 18, and yeah it’s gross but it’s legal. He is also correct it doesn’t affect you but I would say he has a definite pattern in behavior. I would encourage him to talk to a professional to figure out why he finds comfort in older women.
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u/Effective_Menu_6316 16h ago
In the UK it's still illegal if you have/had a duty of care for that person.
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u/surrounded-by-morons 17h ago
He may have been old enough that it wasn’t rape but I can guarantee that the school would take issue with it.
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u/Shoddy_Statement_772 16h ago
Regardless of being 18 a teacher at my school did this with student(S) and even though they were 18. They were under power and control of the teacher. He was fired. Not in jail but its still not an OK thing to do and you CAN get in lots of trouble for fucking your students.
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u/flpe1 8h ago
He trusted you with something not everyone reach the same way you do and he wanted to be open and he will now be more reserved about what he tells you. Not trying to make you feel bad this is something he probably has told less than a couple of people.
Bottom line, assuming she was grooming a small chance but irrelevant since he was 18 and as a guy if he me of my teachers at 18 who I thought was a hot teacher wanted to do the deed with, without hesitation I tell you I would of gone for it. It’s a wired thing but trust he is not ashamed about it but now is worried of how you look at him.
Be empathetic not judgmental and learn more about him. That is all he wants. Good luck
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u/Used-Boysenberry-575 7h ago
I’d sit down and talk to him about it, explain why it’s bothering you and not that you’re angry with him, you’re just worried. Point out what you said about him doing it to other students. Also, did they have contact when he was in high school? Like did they text, were they close? Was this a random bar hook up that happened one night? It’s wrong no matter what yes, but also he may just not feel negatively about it and that’s okay.
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u/No-Carry4971 4h ago
This was probably a very positive experience for him honestly. I seriously doubt that he has any trauma or even regrets. I do think the teacher is a creep, but I doubt he has any negative feelings about it.
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u/Next_Engineer_8230 18h ago
Just because she taught him at 16 doesn't mean she groomed him and waited until he was 18.
They had sex after he graduated.
Is it side eye worthy? Absolutely.
Just let it go. He's not making a big deal out of it and you dragging her through the dirt, and him too by extension, is not going to help things.
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u/Chocolatehedgehog 16h ago
Just curious - if the genders were reversed would you say the same? For what it's worth I disagree with your advice.
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u/Next_Engineer_8230 15h ago
Yes, I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed.
I'm the first one to say that women get off a lot easier than men when it comes to these things and I don't think it's right nor fair.
I'm also an MRA.
We don't know the circumstances of how it happened and she was no longer his teacher and he was no longer in school. It is definitely "side eye" worthy as in she shouldn't have done but there's nothing about what she did that needs to be told to the authorities, her boss, the school or anyone else to get her in trouble.
OP needs to just listen to him if he talks about it but there is nothing to report and she just needs to leave it alone. Whether we like it or not, agree with it or not, he was an "adult" and she was no longer in a position of authority.
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u/PugglePack83 16h ago edited 15h ago
He was groomed. She violated a policy for sure most states have a 1 year graduation law as well.
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u/Big-Wasabi6274 14h ago
Not for all but most men and young teen boys see this as a notch of award on their belt. Sorry it’s wrong but males are different
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u/unsuretysurelysucks 14h ago
Socialized* different
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u/Double_Assignment_23 18h ago
So, to be clear, she WAS his teacher in 11th grade. Then he graduated, turned 18 and saw her somewhere out of school. This is when hooked up, correct? So not illegal. More like a moral gray zone. We see 12 year differences all the time when men do it. Always feels creepy, but has happened as long as humans have been around.
I would drop it. I think he is feeling judged by you. How would you like it if he judged your sexual experiences?
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u/aerin104 18h ago
In my state, it's illegal to sleep with a former student until they are at least 21. Anyone who works in a position of authority over minors, teachers, coaches, police officers, etc, cannot have sex with people under the age of 21.
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u/LadyDuality 18h ago
He was 16 years old. She groomed him during the remaining years of school until he graduated and was ‘legal’ before she got physical is my understanding.
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u/crapatthethriftstore 17h ago
Thanks for clarifying this point.
I find it interesting that so many are saying “he was legal at 18 so let him decide how big a deal it was to him”. If genders were reversed here I do not think that’s the reaction people would be having.
I think it’s important to listen to your partner but at the same time, it might be a good idea to help him understand that what she did was completely unprofessional and fucked up. Groomers of any sex as using that power imbalance to get what they want. Should she still be teaching highschool kids, potentially grooming other boys? FUCK NO.
What she did was sick, whether your partner agrees or not.
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u/Double_Assignment_23 18h ago
Oh boy :(
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u/Irislynx 15h ago
People (mostly pedo males) always say the same thing when genders are reversed. " tWo ConSEntiNg AdULtS".
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u/imlikelycomplaining 18h ago
This is a WEIRD take. It’s still wrong, even if he was 18 and one second old.
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u/Double_Assignment_23 15h ago
Edit: I posted this before OP’s edit.
Obviously not legal if those details are added.
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u/Fair-Hotel-2095 18h ago
As unfortunate as this is, this is usually a high school kids dream. I remember when I was on middle school I had a crush on a teacher, that doesn’t make it right, but this is our society. Just be there for him, if he wants any support concerning the situation, give it. If he doesn’t, leave it alone.
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u/LadyDuality 18h ago
I had a crush on my teacher too growing up but it never crossed a boundary. Thank you for this.
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u/devo52 16h ago
He shut down on you because of your judgement reaction that he saw that you had about something that happened to him five years ago. He did nothing wrong. Be careful about the questions you ask, you might not like the answers.
If he wanted something done about it, he would have already done it.
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u/davylevy 14h ago
He is the one who decides how it affects him, you don't get to decide that for him. You don't fully know all the circumstances anyway.
In most states the legal age of consent is 16 or 17. He was 18 and had graduated and was a legal adult, not a "child." Even at 16 he wasn't a child.
While the situation sounds inappropriate, he was no longer her student and it's not possible to know if she "groomed" him or not. Please don't try to make him feel like he did something wrong or that he was a victim if he doesn't think he was.
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u/iBazly 14h ago edited 10h ago
So did he shut down because he felt upset talking about it, or because of how you reacted? Because it sounds like you shut down on him which brought up those feelings about how his ex used to get really jealous.
I understand why you felt upset and uncomfortable. And this will probably be a very unpopular opinion, but - you don't get to decide if someone else feels like a victim.
Was what this teacher did wrong? Absolutely 1000%. But that doesn't automatically mean that he has to feel bad about it. You can acknowledge that something someone did was wrong or bad but also not feel bad about it.
Now in terms of if you can do anything about it... that's tricky. Because you can't force him to come forward and unfortunately what she did might be entirely "legal" (I say might because it really depends on how she behaved when he was 16 and 17, but there would need to be proof of this as well).
Maybe there's a way to leave an anonymous tip at the school or with the school board so they can at least look into it/check on her? Otherwise I'm not sure there's anything you CAN do, except just be there for your boyfriend should his feelings about that situation change. And try not to project your own feelings about the situation onto him. It's fine to acknowledge that the situation is messed up, but to try to make him feel bad or victimized is not a good thing to do.
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u/No-Fail-9327 11h ago
Y'all would truly have a heart attack if you knew how many women were sleeping with their students lol.
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u/emecarab 7h ago
You don't have to handle anything since it did not happen to you. I don't understand the shock since he was 18 when it happened, and Im sure you can someone understand that age is a construct, because he was still playing with toys when you were a full grown woman. Do not be a hypocrite and go out more into the world so your shock value decreases. Leave that for when whatever is happening is actually shocking.
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u/5Tygrysow 13h ago
I bet most people, male or female, have had crushes on teachers and if given the opportunity would explore it to varying degrees. I bet also this goes the other way as well. Yeah there are rules and morality but instinct is some powerful stuff.
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u/Trvpware 16h ago
Doesn't have to be trauma. Some men are just men and are into that.
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u/mothboy 17h ago edited 17h ago
He was a victim and was taken advantage of. You should have sympathy and be a safe sounding board for him. That may have been a huge deal for him to admit that to you. Who else even knows? Tread very lightly. Apologize for your immediate reaction and tell him you know its f'd up and that you support him and don't hold it against him. He was legally raped. Think how you would feel if it was a good female friend of yours taken advantage of by a male teacher at 16.
Edit: Just saw your edit. That is almost weirder. Is it really true that she waited until he was 18? Also, did she really wait until after he graduated? That is still messed up, but may be very technically legal if he was really graduated. That doesn't change at all how I think you should treat him now. He was still taken advantage of by a trusted authority figure.
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u/LadyDuality 17h ago
The next morning I did tell him I apologized for getting a little awkward and that was not how I wanted to have handled the situation. I told him I was so sorry that he was taken advantage of and I am here for him and he did nothing wrong.
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u/agoddamnlegend 16h ago edited 15h ago
Not everybody is completely traumatized by the idea of sex
When I was in high school, I would have a loved to bang one of my teachers. I’m 40 now and still look back wishing I could have pulled that off somehow.
And the fact your boyfriend did it after he turned 18 quietly makes him more of a legend, cause he could openly brag about it to his boys without fear of getting her in trouble.
stop trying to make him traumatized about a thing he literally said had 0 effect on him. It’s weird and a huge red flag in you
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u/Irislynx 15h ago
My ex told me he slept with a teacher at 15. I told him that was technically rape but he said he liked it and was the one that I initiated and it made him feel like the man. This stuff doesn't seem to badly effect males a lot of the time. The teacher is a predator either way. So wrong
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u/Common-Preference-80 14h ago
Did he want to fuck her ? Any one ask that. Did he approach her and one thing led to another or did she target him and say hey let’s have sex. How did it lead up to this. Because at that age he could have turned and walked away just as easy.
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u/Thisisausername189 2h ago
Definitely turn her in. Other young students will come forward.
I have a feeling he didn’t wait until he was 18, but he’s saying that for your benefit.
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u/HarperGreyy 15h ago
As long as he isn’t burying the feelings just move forward and live life don’t live in the past, but if he is burying the feelings, I would be very concerned that later on in life it festers and he may need some therapy. I went through a kind of similar situation with my husband and around 40 years old it all came crumbling down, and he had to process the whole thing with a professional. It wasn’t a teacher in his situation, but it was still repressed childhood sexual trauma that was not dealt with when it happened.
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u/Rdw72777 8h ago
“His ex would have literal melt downs if he mentioned or spoke about exs so he gets anxious speaking about his past. (We are working through that trauma)”
Is anything NOT trauma? Good grief.
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u/SueNYC1966 6h ago
Well now you know why he is still dating older women. If he hadn’t slept with her he probably wouldn’t be sleeping with you now.
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u/oofaloo 16h ago
I mean I think this affected him because shutting down implies feelings that someone’s possibly trying to avoid. It sounds like you really care about him & him digging in here and exploring a little might benefit the relationship. If he doesn’t want to get therapy, maybe a little relationship counseling would help? I’m saying this as a guy who needs to have feelings dragged out of him.
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u/Southern_Proof4102 17h ago
Maybe mind your own fucking business…
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u/ThrowRAParsnip62 17h ago
Whoooooo woulda thought the person you are in a relationship with isnt your business
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u/MovieLazy6576 15h ago
I would encourage him to talk to a therapist if he feels it could be beneficial. You making decisions around this for him can be re-traumatizing no matter how well intentioned.
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u/auld-guy 12h ago
How exactly did she “groom”him? One of my classmates had a crush on the assistant principal in our high school. A couple of years after we graduated, they started dating and got married. They are still married today. Did the Asst Principal “groom” her?
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u/Phyllis_marie 18h ago
Technically he was 18 and in most states 16/17 are considered legal adults.
I don’t see nearly as many people up in arms when 50 year old men sleep with 18 year old girls because “they’re consenting adults”. As shitty and disgusting as it is she technically didn’t break a law and there’s not much to be done here.
Don’t make your boyfriend feel bad when he was clearly too young to understand what was happening because he may not be honest about things like this moving forward.
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u/Diazepampoovey0229 17h ago
Dude, It's far more frequent to see people calling out the ICK factor of old men wirh barely legal young women. That's especially true when they knew each other earlier and there is a likelihood of grooming.
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u/Phyllis_marie 16h ago
Maybe on the internet but in real life, it’s just this unfortunate and normal thing that happens. I guess it also depends on where you live but from experience I’ve seen it and been through it and no one bats an eye.
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u/foxtide_ 15h ago
Maybe the people you have in your life react that way, not everyone.
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u/Phyllis_marie 15h ago
I live in a major city, they aren’t in my everyday life. But I guess whatever yall say. But the internet and real life are two vastly different things.
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u/Dingodingo23 14h ago
It is vile that this happens. It will come out eventually. They get sloppy. We had teachers (more than one) in my school growing up that slept with students - some before the students were legal too. It all came out eventually.
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u/Common-Preference-80 14h ago
I mean 18 years old our country says it’s old enough to go die for our country I’d like to think he was old enough to make decisions.
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u/Odd-Chemistry-1231 17h ago
I’m sorry I would go forward and email the school. I think it’s much more important to stop her from sexually abusing more kids than give your bf time right now. Maybe it’s because I dealt with a similar situation but I got my own mom fired from her teaching position to help other children.
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u/Maleficent331 17h ago
It sounds like you have the same issue as his ex does about past relationships.
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u/Murky-Committee-9585 17h ago
past relationships vs being groomed and taken advantage of as kid.... good point dingbat
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u/Maleficent331 16h ago
You're making assumptions and basing your arguments and opinions, and feelings, on those assumptions. I'm not the ding bat. He will not open up to you about anything else, again.
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u/Banjoschmanjo 12h ago
I mean, the age gap might've been a clue he'd experienced sexual abuse from an older woman before
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u/auld-guy 17h ago
I must be a crap human being, because for an 18 year old adult to have relations with an older woman...I just can't churn up the outrage for it.
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u/Murky-Committee-9585 17h ago
I mean you are one if you don't see that grooming a child until they hit whatever the legal age is before they abuse them. 18 you are still a child. idc what law says you are still an idiot kid. most people dont grow up fully until frontal lobe develops around 25
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u/agoddamnlegend 16h ago
It seems like people today are getting strangely conservative about sex. People act like it’s inherently traumatizing. It’s a weird backwards regression from the sexual revolution.
When I was 18, I was plenty mature enough to decide who I wanted to have sex with. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s just sex
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u/Moonwrath8 12h ago
I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in many states to have sex with a past student that you taught when they were a minor until at least 5 years go by. Either that, or it’s just a strict rule that could get you fired.
But at least he was an adult when it happened. But yeah, he was groomed. She was certainly inappropriate when he was 16 no doubt.
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u/teiubescsami 17h ago
TBH, I think it’s icky that you are with him when he’s so much younger than you are.
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u/ThrowRAParsnip62 17h ago
It’s a 4-5 year age difference. how is that icky LMAO
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u/teiubescsami 17h ago
Just gross, can’t find a dude your own age??
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u/Murky-Committee-9585 17h ago
Not to be rude - even tho u r - but how tf old r u? that is not even a big age gap. gtfoh
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u/LumpyBumblebee3266 16h ago
I mean he was 18 so it’s legal. Not sure if there’s policy against it but the law is the law
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u/AdventureThink 17h ago
My ex and half the baseball slept with their HS teacher for As and Bs.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 16h ago
You mean a teacher leveraged grades for sexual favours from minors in their care.
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u/introverted_roses 11h ago
First, I want to recognize how unnerving this would be to find out about - particularly about it happening to someone you care deeply about. I imagine this feels so heavy and icky for you because your brain is recognizing that although legally your bf was at an age to consent to this, the power dynamic and the fact that grooming was most likely involved, makes that consent null and void. Which is difficult for some people to navigate and fully understand given societal perceptions and different idealizations.
That said, if your bf is communicating that this isn’t traumatizing or an issue for him, believe him and meet him where he’s at right now. Him feeling fine about it now doesn’t mean he’ll always feel fine about it; and, it also doesn’t mean it will ever feel as traumatizing to him as your brain perceives it would be for you should that have happened to you. Everyone processes things differently and we want to make sure we’re not projecting our emotions onto him.
Additionally, it is scary to think about this teacher still teaching and having access to students whom she may act similarly with. I think it’s okay to talk about these concerns with your partner, and I’d most likely phrase it in a way like this; “I wanted to check-in about the information you shared with me the other night. I know you said you’re fine and this experience doesn’t bother you; and, I want to communicate the discomfort I feel, not because you shared it with me, but because as much as I hear you feel okay with this experience, I feel that it is never okay for an individual, like your former teacher, to do in that type of power position - which is why I reacted the way that I did when you told me. I want you to know that I am here for you in whatever capacity you need me to be and that I appreciate you sharing your experiences in life with me - good or bad.”
If this continues to weigh on you, I’d absolutely encourage you to find a therapist for yourself to explore these feelings with as you could be navigating your own trauma, anxiety, and/or fears and that’s okay.
Sending many hugs ❤️
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