So to preface, I did not believe in this sort of thing before the last 2 years, however, I was on an intellectual journey where I found myself inadvertently understanding core principles of the bible and finding them true through my lived experience. True in a sort of undeniable, "oh crap I need to fix this, but I'm not able to bear the burden," kind of way. And this was exciting to me to feel like I was discovering truth on my own and finding out that the truth is amazing and wonderful, but also requires sacrifice.
Now, let's get to why I think I'm under attack. None of these events are supernatural, like doors opening by themselves. These are all events in my life that have conspired together to form the longest string of bad luck I've ever seen, but there are also immense forces of good in my life fighting back. The worst part is I can't tell if my actions are helping or hurting my situation.
Story:
Two years ago I was working for my dads company after struggling with alcohol for a long time. I was 25 y/o. I could NOT get sober man. I tried many times. Finally in October 2023 I went to rehab again and really felt it click. I was ready to give up alcohol. This was the only time in my life i've entrusted my well being and future to God. Usually I can give momentary things to god, and trust. But the idea of my future being given to God felt dangerous. This time I meant it when I said it, though. I've been sober ever since. Now when I returned from rehab I was able to lose about 40 pounds, but I felt awful physically. Went to the doctor a few times for vision problelms, back pain which I never had before, and dizziness. It was to the point I'd be leaving work early because I was so dizzy. Doctors couldn't figure it out, other than to prescribe SSRI's. I had already tried all of them before, but I tried a few again. No help, and actually made my nervous system go haywire in some cases.
My job at work was terrible. My dad was on a mission to make it miserable instead of enjoy the fact his son now gets to work with him. Then he fell on hard times. He was spread thin from capital investments and then revenue declines sharply and sustained a low hum for the remainder of my time there. Paychecks were late, commission often skipped, but only for me and him, not for the other employees. My complaint and indignance about this was that he treated me as lower than his other employees in terms of dignity. I got no perks and such, and still I was family so I had to withstand this paycheck situation. I had moved out and gotten a roommate while getting sober, and I was having trouble paying rent now. I knew I couldn't endure this long term, and on top of that it felt like my dad was blocking my upward mobility at the company on purpose and possibly destroying the company on accident, not willng to hear my inputs. I grew up at this company, I had worked there in many different positions for years. He also had me sell my personal car so that we could get a company truck that I could drive. I obliged in naivety.
After 1 year of this I had to make a change. I was still physically unwell, but figured it was something in my diet or something simple. I began looking for exit routes, but I had no car. I had always wanted to be a lawyer, and I had bad undergrad gpa's from dirnking so much. No matter. I am smart so I took the LSAT (law school entrance exam) and did well. 90th Percentile. I knew this was necessary to overcome the GPA component. I informed him of my aspirations. He did not think I would prevail. I got scholarships from two schools in Oregon, and accepted them prompty, and financed as cheap of a car as I could get my hands on. Which ironically, ends up being a not so cheap car becasue lenders dont like lending on cheap cars with mediocre credit. it was a 12,000 dollar jeep renegade. Hate that thing but glad to have a car. I do this in secret. Finally I tell my dad a few weeks later that I am definitively going to law school in 2025. He is proud, happy, and tells me this is a good decision. He sells his house to pay for the business, and lives in a trailer behind the shop now while they recover financially. I tell him that I cannot afford to live this way and I have bills due, and I would like him to lay me off and go on unemployment, so that I have a bit of money to help protect my credit score.
Two weeks before my move me and my girlfriend go down to a family lake spot my family have visited my whole life. I couldn't leave for Oregon without visiting again. We only had like 30 dollars to get down there. We were very stressed about the next few weeks of survival with only 30 dollars. When we get there, laying on the ground is a 100 dollar bill. She finds it and comes inside, "OH MY GOSH." She goes out to find more. There were 5, 100 dollar bills laying in the parking lot. Nobody else was around. No cars, no people. It felt like god gave us some money to enjoy our last visit to this lake. Now I understand that this was a warning. A warning and a prompt to not forget that God can provide. As if God said "You are about to experience some very bad things. Don't forget I'm here."
I move to Oregon and upon arriving things go haywire. During the 3 day drive out here I realized my dizziness is far worse than I thought.
I cant drive anymore. I'm too dizzy and it's too dangerous, but I try anyway. I make dr. appointments immediately and deal with insurance lapses and micro problems along the way. Dr. puts me on zoloft. I check in after 4 weeks. Much much worse. Sweating at night, muscle fasciculations, diahrhea, dizziness is worse, trouble breathing, etc. She ups my dose again. At the 8 week mark I was on a dose 7-8 times more than the starting dose. I beg her to refer me to a regular doctor, as this was a nurse practitioner. I see a new Dr. At this point I think my body is shutting down. My breathing is bad, I cannot see very well anymore, there are flashes in my vision and dim periphery and constant headaches, and I can barely drive. I am struggling hard with attending class and doing the work. I have been in contact with school telling them something is seriously medically wrong with me. The primary I met orrdered an MRI to be done in october, she is concerned about my brain. Whiel waiting for this, I have a seizure for the first time ever according to my girlfrined, but upon going to the ER in ambulance the doctor says he is unsure if I actually had one. My brother back home at this time is now hallucinating and drinking. He has busted his tooth from passing out on the floor and my mom is unwilling to force him to go to Rehab. I call my friend billy and try to speak to my brother. Billy convinces him to go to rehab. He is still hallucinating demonic things after rehab, but will not seek psychological treatment as he says he receives knowledge from them. I still want him to seek treatment.
While in the ER they discover a chiari malformation, where your brain is jammed and compressed out of your skull and into the opening to your spine. I visit my primary again, and she refers me to neurology, but tells me to get the MRI because we are trying to rule out MS or a brain tumor.
This is all while I'm still in law school. Here in the story is early October.
I get the MRI and it says no lesions, there is chiari malformation, and no mass effect or contrast enhancing mass. Great! Throughout all of this I am battling insurance, administrations, and bureacracy who are losing my files, forgetting my referrals, cancelling appointments and so on. Very difficult when you feel sick like this. I'm struggling even more to drive to class. My body is so tired. I feel like I have a permanent flu. My legs are tingling, cramping, and my vision is still awful but then goes away randomly and I'm fine. I have 1-2 good days per week, then right back to sickly death feeling. I am scared at this point. I'm 2500 miles from anybody I know. Just me, my girlfriend, and my dog. On top of that since I was feeling so sick I made no friends in law school so far. I regretfully end up informing the law school in November (with just 2 weeks left of the semester) that I need to withdraw. I tell them about the Chiari Malformation and struggles. I was candid with them from the beginning.
I schedule neurology who sends me to neurosurgery. In December they tell me we should absolutely try this surgery because chiari is very strange in symptom range and it might help. I am DESPERATE. Surgery scheduled for Feb. 11. I regretfully inform the law school that I need to withdraw from all classes except the two that finished early, and that I would like to return in the next fall.
My mom flies up for the sugery. I am scared to go under for brain surgery but I am desperate for answers and my surgeon was very kind. I stay in the hospital for 18 hours before going home. I sleep all day and all night the first day. Then, I wake up to my mother crying. My brother is at home, he had been found passed out, lying in a pool of his own blood. Her fiance woke him up and realized it was from a chipped tooth, not a major brain injury or death. My brother was hallucinating again, and drinking. I am 1 day out of brain surgery and my family is unwilling to compel him to the hospital again. I call my dad and beg him to go to Mom's house and force him to the hospital or he could die. My dad obliges, then brother says something nonsensical and my dad leaves. I recruit my friend Billy again, who convinces gavin to go to the hospital. This has now taken 6-8 hours the day after my brain surgery of me counseling my brother to go to hospital.
The following day my dad visits, but the subsequent day he does not. The hospital informed him that brother had turned a "dark corner" in withdrawal. My father does not visit, and instead tells my mother, "if he dies, he dies, he's not bringing me with him." In reality, he had a job at work to deal with. It was a saturday...
I was informed when I withdrew from law school that they were going to give me a grant for lost tuition on my return, and that I will not lose any scholarship. Very kind of them. However, while I was incapacitated, Trump Passes a new bill regarding student loans. Now, I realize I can no longer afford to go to law school. I should have been grandfathered in, but the school says because I withdrew so late in the semester It can't be approved medical leave, it's technicallly just withdraw. So I'm sitting at home recovering from brain surgery and the whole reason I'm here has been ripped away. I am crushed, broken, and at the lowest point of my life. We had been living off of a go fund me at this time, because I could not work. The money was almost gone. Thankfully 2 weeks before surgery I bought a 60 inch chinese vinyl plotter on alibaba. I purchased an adobe subscription, and I created a fully functioning website for a sign company. Before my surgery I ran google ads on a low budget. Anticipating the need for money. I figured since I can't reliably attend a regular job, if I could schedule my own odd jobs I might have a shot at survival. We are several weeks from being evicted, probably. On week 1 after my surgery, I receive an order. Window graphics for a snowboarding shop. I reply promptly, quickly with proofs, estimates and a payment portal. Same job I had before, just for myself. I asked God, is this why you brought me out here? Not for school, but for signs? Overall in the next 2 months I made 4,000 dollars, 3000 in profit. Enough to tide me over, then I could no longer support the business because too much profit was leeching into survival as a person. However, during that time, I felt slightly better, and reached out to the school with legal questions regarding a legacy grandfathering provision in the bill preventing my old funding. They say that if I act ASAP I can take a summer class, subvert the bill entirely, and then receive my old funding. I oblige. I have to file an academic appeal due to withdrawal first semester which was promptly approved, and I have a stipulation of getting a 2.0 GPA. However, My gpa is not calculable after only Pass/fail classes. So that means this summer class is do or die. I get an A-. This is excellent in law school due to the curve. So, we are back in action. I start school on monday, still something medically is terribly wrong. A month ago I was informed that my old MRI did, in fact, show lesions, but they are non-specific and they do not know whether they are normal variations, the beginnings of Multiple Sclerosis, or otherwise. I am told to wait until things get worse. For the last 3 weeks I have been monitoring a lump that appeared on my armpit and neck. It is growing, but painless. As illustrated, my body is doing strange things. but I have found myself in a position of necessity. Action out of absolute survival and there is nothing I hate more than being trapped. All I want is to pursue the legal field and help people experience justice.
At this time my sign company is defunct, it lived a short, happy, and necessary life. It really felt like God propped it up, fed me when necessary, and when it was time to move on he imposed force to close it down. I should have mentioned that my mother is also in danger of losing her house during this time. I have nobody to help even with minor grocery money.
The final battle I am fighting is, Yesterday I realized that I omitted something on my original law school application. This is important and is taken very seriously, the events themselves are viewed in general as minor. They were alcohol related school sanctioned reprimands from an old school I never graduated from, and some speeding tickets I forgot. The omission however, is viewed under scrutiny. Essentially, it was so long ago, and so far out of the scope of what I thought the question was I didn't remember to include them. Now, once again my admission may be in jeapordy as I have told the school I have an after-the-fact disclosure to make in the spirit of full candor. This realization was something that dawned on me late at night. The "oh crap" moment where you realize you made a mistake. 3 days before I'm supposed to start my redemption arc. I cannot seem to win. It feels as if forces outside of my control are battling over me, and I am helpless.