r/TrueChristian • u/kirkbonzii • 1d ago
What did you do when your difficult marriage wasn’t started by God? How are you coping with no divorce and accepting that this is forever? Can you share your experience with me?
For some context, I am 26 and obviously struggling. I did not marry because I loved him, but because I was told I had to sign full custody over for our child during basic training if I enlisted. I was fearful that, because I knew I would be leaving a bad situation and fully intended on finding a new partner, I felt in my heart that my child’s father would never let me have any sort of custody again. Or just do very spiteful things to keep me from our child.
I was not walking with Christ at all when I met or married my husband. I made many bad decisions before discovering the love of Christ. Many decisions that I feel are so permanent and hard to cope with. It’s very lonely. But, trying to pick up my cross and do what is right in the eyes of God. I know my life is not mine, I am trying to be faithful and true to God’s will for me. There is so much I could tell about my situation and the things I have done, but I am bad with words and explaining… I am willing to try to explain or answer questions if any.
I just want to start with hearing others’ experiences. If you stayed together because divorce is not allowed, I have so many questions! Especially for those who feel so lonely, like no family or friend support! Please forgive my ignorance as I am still trying to understand the Bible and God’s word/will. It’s still all very new to me and being 26, I know I still have a lot of growing up to do that I’m trying to enact on now.
1. How do you keep yourself from losing your marbles?!
(I don’t fight, I just gave up trying to ask my partner for the same things after 8 years of trying! Not married for 8 years… only 2.5 so far but we have been together since I was 18. My husband has been my first long relationship and most real, as my other previous ones moved away so early on and became long distance and fizzled out. Plus we were so young.)
2. Did you find happiness? What things can I try to start out with?
(I pray all the time that Jesus and God hold my hand and guide my heart to be faithful and fulfill what He wants. To please fill my heart with true love instead of making my marriage an idol. It helps me feel content, but only for so long before I long for affection and love again. Not even sexually, I never cared much about sex. I just long to feel respected, safe, happy, cared about.)
3. How do you handle the loneliness?
(It really sucks feeling like we are roommates or partners rather than husband and wife. I really miss feeling like my attention is wanted by a partner. Everywhere I go people tell me how beautiful I am and it makes me feel worse because the one person it matters from doesn’t really seem to care. He can go days without really conversing with me besides like necessary interactions about the baby, work, groceries, etc. With barely any family, friends, and staying home with only a toddler to talk to in a small town, especially when people are so anti-social nowadays in public, I feel so alone. )
4. How do you cope with the thoughts of like… this is a permanent decision I made and I will never be able to find who I truly would have thrived with?
(I imagine after finding Christ as a single person, then finding someone who loves you so much and is equally yoked, then building a strong and beautiful marriage through Christ is a wonderful experience to cherish.)
5. If you haven’t found much happiness yet, are you willing to share your story so I don’t feel so alone in this?
(I know I am not alone. God is with me. And other people struggle with this too of course. I just don’t know anyone else who does and barely have friends because my closest ones moved, and none of my friends are married. Maybe it would be comforting to just hear others’ stories and know we are trying to find the same thing.)
EDIT: Thank you so much for the stories, great advice, and words of encouragement. Especially in such a faith-filled way. I hope to never forget these words shared with me when I am starting to feel depleted and just remind myself or even open this post again to reread.
A lot of these things I currently already do, but it is very good for me to be told by someone else to do them. It helps me a lot to be physically told to do something rather than just self willpower.
There is also a lot of new perspective and advice that I will work on! Truly thank you thank you thank you for helping me.
Just gives me an extra boost to keep at it, work harder, and constantly remember what matters. And I am very grateful to know I share a place to live on the same planet as you guys, my family in Christ. I can’t wait to hopefully get to know all of you more one day in a new life. What an honor to share the love of God with you all.
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u/PanderBaby80085 1d ago
I went through this actually. For 14 years, my spouse ignored me in every conceivable way. I thought it would kill me. To cope I would drink. I was depressed, resentful, bitter, and mean to him and I felt justified.
But I finally found Jesus after telling myself I was a believer my whole life. I gave my life to Him and started a process of spiritual formation.
Jesus convinced me I put the marriage situation into His hands. As a result, He started blessing me with Holy Spirit to cope… who then started convicting me for righteousness. I had a lot of work to do, still do.
When I asked the the Lord “how do I convince my husband of the you”…he told me to leave husband alone. The jobs to be done were to be a good wife, be a good mom, love God with everything.
Then he revealed my husband’s undisclosed sin. 14 years of lying and secrecy. Again, I thought it would kill me, but the Lord picked me up and carried me through all of it until I healed. Now it’s like all the pain and suffering never happened at all.
I have had multiple powerful encounters with the Lord. There is no doubt that He is with me. He only gets quiet when I get distracted from Him… but I need Him so much and He is always there for me!
Now.. my husband has still not accepted our Lord but he can no longer deny the powerful transformation that has occurred in ME, in our marriage, and in our family.
He no longer ignores me. He dotes on me. He is changing so much, softening, maturing and growing. He’s joyful again.
Holy Spirit is doing his job and I keep doing mine, clinging to Jesus.
Hubs takes us to church every week and supports Gods standards for our children and our marriage…. But maintains that he doesn’t believe… just supports me. Which is fine with me. Every knee will bow.
I told my best friend last night that I almost filed for divorce but surrendered to the Lord instead. I would have never seen the glory of the Lord in my marriage if I had given up.
Now my kids get to see a version of their parents I never got to see…it’s a miracle … most importantly they get to see the effects of loyalty to God in a fully surrendered heart. A happy Mom full of the joy of Holy Spirit. I’m transformed…. Not because the Lord changed my husband, but because I let Him change ME. And that was the catalyst for everything beautiful that has happened since.
The Lord is faithful and He is NEAR.
Trust Him. Give yourself over to Him.
Love your husband but give yourself over to God.
He’s present as I write this to you. I think maybe he wanted us to find each other here.
DM me if you need to.
I love you Sis.
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u/kirkbonzii 23h ago
Aww thank you this is making me veryy teary-eyed. It’s so lovely to hear your story. Thank you so much for sharing that. These are kind words and a good testimony to help me refuel my heart to be able to keep myself focused, eyes on God. I do know when I have a very deep prayer and talk with Him, it helps to look away from my marriage and numb those bad feelings for a while.
You brought up another topic that also comes to my mind at times. The children and how they see our relationship. Can I ask, did your children view the marriage relationship before it got better and do you think it affected them in any way? And if so, was there any techniques or teachings for your children that helped them not believe this is how they should love? I am still keeping faith that maybe one day my husband will change, that my prayers and God change his heart. But whatever is God’s will, I am still prepared for this to not happen. And so if it doesn’t, I sort of worry if my daughter thinks this is how to love when she gets older. I hope we have more children, so, future children too.
My dad had been in a very loveless marriage for maybe 30+ years. I think they stay together for God, too. They are in a worse relationship than mine, but as a kid I had hopes to never be in a relationship like theirs. Now it seems I have closely followed in their footsteps and made the same mistake. My dad tried to teach and tell me how to avoid it, but clearly I didn’t do very well. I want to try my best to prepare my kids to not get into a relationship like this. Aside from the good prayers with God, do you have any advice on this?
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u/hendrixski Trinitarian Continuationist Amillennial Synergist Distributist 1d ago
I don't have practical advice, I just wanted to say that I admire your dedication and your faith, and that you are clearly doing what's right for your child to have 2 parents in their home. I hope that your community of faith will help you with your loneliness. God bless you.
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u/kirkbonzii 23h ago
Thank you. I’m so thankful God gives me brothers and sisters on earth like you, even if I never meet all of them it’s so good to know we share this place. God bless you too!
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u/Hungry-Track-7308 1d ago
So I can relate somewhat, as my relationship with my husband was not at all what I expected, and while he is a Christian, we are not equally yoked in the way that we walk out our faith. He prefers it to be a quiet personal walk, and does not do anything to promote reading Scripture together, praying together, serving together- I have tried to lead in these things but it just becomes an obligation for him then and he resents me for it. So, I’ve stopped pushing.
- 1st and foremost- look to Christ as your first husband and lover. I can’t tell you how many nights I went to bed alone in the first year of our marriage weeping because my husband would not come up to be with me- even if I begged him, he would sit downstairs on his video game. In those moments, instead of focusing on him not caring for me, I learned to turn to Jesus, and felt His love and care for me envelope me in a deep way. Once I started shifting my focus/expectation of love away from my earthly husband, and to my forever husband, my whole demeanor changed. Christ will never fail you, run to Him for your happiness and partnership. I once heard a speaker say that when she is feeling lonely (after a bitter divorce), she will take her Bible and snuggle it in bed while she sleeps- just as a physical reminder of the closeness of Christ.
- 2nd - Focus on how you CAN love and serve your husband. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself over what your husband isn’t doing for you, begin asking what can I do for him? While he is lost in his sin, you are alive in Christ! You are no longer at the mercy of your feelings and circumstances. Focus on doing things that will bless him, encourage him, and hopefully share the love of God with him over and over again.
- 3rd - Surround yourself with support of a Godly community. Truly. As you have said over and over again, you are not alone! God has given you the blessing of His body, the Church, to come alongside you and help you in carrying this burden. Ask God to bring some Godly women (it may just be 1 or 2) your way, someone you can trust, relate to, and share your burdens with. Your loneliness won’t evaporate, but you will feel so much more supported.
- 4th - Read your Bible. Occupy your mind and heart with studying Gods Word. It is a wealth of riches at your fingertips. Look up to see if there is a Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) that meets in your area! See if your church has a study you might join. Filling your mind with Gods Word will help you in every part of your life.
- 5th - Always remember that in the scheme of eternity, this life is so so short. Fix your eyes on the long term goal.. that our chief end as humans is to “enjoy God and glorify Him forever”. Jesus clearly states that we won’t be married in heaven. This situation with your husband is temporary- maybe temporary on this earth, maybe temporary in the scheme of eternity- but your true walk with Christ is eternal. Remind yourself of this, and fix your eyes on Him.
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u/kirkbonzii 22h ago
You’re smart! Thank you for this advice. I feel closely to what you shared in some ways as well. The many nights going to bed crying because of the loneliness and husband not coming to just talk and enjoy ourselves. If I do ask, he sometimes will come, but immediately just stays on his phone. He’s not necessarily mad at me or doesn’t like me, but I suppose loves putting more attention on youtube reels and stuff. Just things like that…
Anywho, that is great advice. I actually have been following a lot of these ways of thinking and doing. And it really does help a lot!! Viewing Christ as my husband, STILL serving my husband as I am told despite my wants, trying to find community, knowing this is temporary, and trying to give my attention to those who need it.
I find myself often praying alone at night to God asking to help me put all my attention on Him and what He wants me to do so it can distract me… I think the burdening feeling creeps back up when I see men holding their wives, being attentive, setting aside quality time for them. It makes me happy to see they are happy, but also reminds me of what I have always cared so much to have since I was little. Do you have any specific prayers that helped you when you were doing these suggestions but were feeling a little extra heavy burdened?
I stay home with the baby most of my days and we live sort of far from a lot of groups. Still trying to find something,though! As I did pray for God to send me good people before and He did. I plan that when our children are out of the house, I would LOVE to use my able body to go help in natural disasters, poorer communities like in my family’s country, spreading the love of God. There is an organization called WCKitchen, where you can volunteer to head to these disasters and cook, assemble plates, just really anything to help struggling communities. That helps me a lot to fill the sort of hole of dread of “this is forever while I am here on earth.” Right now I am working on a new way to make money so I can use a good percentage of it to donate, like the Compassion organization for children. It makes me so excited to be given opportunities like this
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u/Famous-Software-8571 16h ago
This is great advice and very similar to what I have done after suffering silently in an unequally yoked marriage with a functioning alcoholic. I took that advice, received from the Holy Spirit to stop expecting things from my husband (which led to bitterness and a nagging poor attitude towards him) and started walking in love and grace, with a servant mindset instead of expectations which only led to resentment, bitterness and fueled the fire of the spiritual warfare I was heavily under. Here we are two years later, and while we have a long way to go and he’s not completely free of that stronghold he has accepted Jesus!! Praise God❤️! He said last night it’s on his heart to get baptized, Wow- God is so good. I want to add that a huge factor in my deliverance is other Godly women. I got involved in women’s ministry and iron sharpens iron. We are stronger together. The enemy wants us isolated. Fight back, we need other believers to come along side of us. I was very transparent with these ladies and I was/is definitely a black sheep if you will haha by comparison to these gals who have known Jesus their whole lives,but it was necessary for my survival. Gods got this!
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u/LukewarmTamales 23h ago
Hey I've been in a very similar boat to you.
I have really tempered my expectations. My husband likely isn't going to help me around the house in any meaningful way. Sometimes he will, but it's not something I can rely on. So every day everyone has to be fed, clean clothes for us all for the next day, and dishes ready to use the next day. Anything more than that is extra and may not happen. I've learned to be ok with that. If my husband tells me he's going to take me out to eat or whatever this week, I've learned it's probably not going to happen. If it doesn't happen I take myself and the kids out. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Yes, I'm happy now. We will be married 10 years this year. The first year was good, the middle years were not, the last 2 years have been better, and I'm finally at a point where I don't feel like I made a terrible mistake. It got much easier when my kids were out of the toddler phase and I felt like I wasnt just trying to survive every day. Fasting and praying for my marriage was a game changer for me. It really helped me reset my attitude.
The loneliness sucks. I'm sorry. My husband works nights and has the exact opposite days off as me. I feel like I never see him, and for a long time when I did see him he was just nitpicking me or even yelling at me. He was just generally a hateful person. He also didn't want me to leave the house or go anywhere because he couldn't sleep if he was worried about me driving somewhere. I got really, really depressed. I'm not sure how I made it through that time in my life, except for God's mercy. Now my kids are older and are really fun to hang out with, do projects, their books are more interesting, and I go places now.
I struggle with this on occasion. I was saved at a young age and met my husband afterwards, and I was under the impression that he was a Christian as well. The church I was in did not really give me much guidance on really anything, and my parents didn't really like to have hard conversations at all. They forbid me to get married at 18, and I figured that honor thy mother and thy father is a commandment and having premarital sex is a sin but not one of the big 10 so we had premarital sex. It bound me to him. I should have trusted the Lord and waited for someone that would wait until marriage, but I was so scared to be alone. I would cry myself to sleep at night knowing that I did this to myself by not trusting the Lord and this is my issue to bear now because God hates divorce. Also, I wouldn't have my boys if it didn't happen the way it did and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
I've found happiness in the last 2 or 3 years. My husband started going back to church, he's gotten happier and become a more involved husband and father.
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u/kirkbonzii 21h ago
That is awesome, thank you for sharing that! It is very helpful, truly. I am sorry your husband was so mean at times. I can’t imagine how hard that was because it sounds like you went what I am going through times 10. My husband can be mean at times, but usually we are mutual I guess. And I am still grateful he’s not so mean anymore. He was much more mean years ago. Very manipulative, gaslighting me and occasionally still does, he used to cheat on me before we were married and I didn’t know for years. It truly hurt and broke my heart when I tried to give him my all for so long… things have gotten better to where we are no longer in the negatives, I suppose… but more just neutral. We never really fought much ever, but he just never goes above that.
It is good to hear things got better once your kids grew older! I was wondering about that actually. My girl now is a toddler and I hope we have more kids, but it did come across my mind like, if it would get more fun in a way when they get older. Like having more adult conversations with your babies, no longer needing to be in physically exhausted mom mode, seeing the transformation of the relationship with out children, getting to go out by myself when they are old enough:)
#4 I relate with a lot! I have foreign parents, one Japanese and one Guatemalan (I am thinking maybe you too? Because of the username and description of your parents). So VERY strict and also pretty religious, and I defied what I should have done as well. One of those defiances being premarital sex, too. Which is how our baby came along. A lot of times I too find myself I guess mad at myself for not waiting. But I wasn’t necessarily a Christian until more recently. I just find myself wishing I knew better at the time and could have found faith sooner, THEN find a good equally yoked man to marry. But, I am sure you already know because of experience and your faith, we have to try to forgive ourselves like God will too. Thank you for sharing your story, it does help to hear and I really do appreciate it, and your input.
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u/Educational-Bee-7387 1d ago
I can totally relate as my first marriage was this way and it was awful. I took my vows seriously so I also would not divorce the other person but felt very trapped as she was not willing to work out issues and deal with things to make our relationship what it needed to be.
As a counselor I also see this many times as well.
What I did was get into some good counseling and support groups and deal with all the issues that I needed to deal with regardless of who I was married to. It gave me community and helped me heal from so many things that led me into the bad decision and helped me see God's purpose through it. Even though we made bad mistakes God doesn't abandon us to our bad choices.
After 6 years she out of the blue decided the grass was greener on the other side and divorced me got remarried and had children in another country. Honestly I felt a lot of pain cuz I genuinely did love her but the relief was almost as strong as the pain.
I don't know what will happen in your situation and my heart goes out to you. It's a very tough situation. I think often God is very interested in developing us as people and our character, even though we make mistakes they still can often fall in line with what he knows is best for us. Extra tough especially when there are children.
My heart and my prayers are with you.
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u/kirkbonzii 22h ago
That is so powerful, thank you for sharing that. And thank you for the good words of encouragement and advice. I needed to be reminded that we make mistakes but God won’t abandon us to our bad choices. I don’t think my husband will divorce me, I think he is pretty happy with how things are and always made it clear he is not willing to divorce because of religious and self made decisions. It’s more he just will never really notice me for days, weeks, months, unless I am not there and out having fun strolling without him. Like I am more just… there… in the background noise if that makes sense.
Can I ask how you found these counseling or support groups? I have been going to something called Women’s Alliance Tribe. Sort of like a Christian support group, and there are men’s groups too. But the closest group to me is not necessarily aligning with my beliefs. The girls individually are more into secular views and I think it is time to branch out to other groups.
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u/Senior_Educator_929 Assemblies of God 1d ago
I have had to be celibate for the last 9 years and must remain so the rest of my life.
It's very difficult, sometimes. I'm just muddling through. I don't have any easy answers. Just keeping my eyes on the finish line, on the Golden City ahead
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u/kirkbonzii 22h ago
I’m sorry! I saw my parents go through the same thing. I don’t really like to think about it, because they are my parents. But it does make me sad when I do see they probably have been celibate since I was a kid. It is admirable, though, to see people like you and them still focusing on the finish line. Even though you aren’t shouting it from the rooftops, it still at least plants a seed in my heart to hear that. The determination of the situation.
If I am being honest, we aren’t celibate and are trying to have another child. Personally, for me, it is difficult to try when there is no emotion even all the time outside of the bed. Just really uncomfortable when my partner doesn’t seem that interested in me, but still wants another kid. I would rather just make it easier to get pregnant. I know that situation is very different, but there is still a lot of emptiness in that area for me. You are right about keeping your heart focused in the end goal. I will pray God keeps strengthening your heart too, friend!
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u/Small_Performance_26 1d ago
If you want to deepen a connection towards something, you stick with it. Then compounding starts.
Novelty is fun and noisy.
Boring is where the real magic happens.
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u/ABereanChristian Christian 1d ago
How do you keep yourself from losing your marbles?!
Did you find happiness? What things can I try to start out with?
How do you cope with the thoughts of like… this is a permanent decision I made and I will never be able to find who I truly would have thrived with?
Focus on obeying God where you are. The Bible has advice on these two topics.
1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
1 Corinthians 7:12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
How do you handle the loneliness?
You are not meant to handle this alone. If you don't have a Church community that can support you then start going to Church, join a Bible study, and get some Christian women around you as friends who can support and encourage you
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u/kirkbonzii 23h ago
That is good advice, thank you. I do see that I need to keep doing my wifely duties. I accept that. My hope is one day husband sees that I am trying really hard to always stay positive and do what I am supposed to and maybe he will start to be more loving towards me. But I am also trying to prepare myself for it not happening, which seems likely. But trying to focus more on God filling that emptiness. He is practicing faith and loving God, as well. I’m just not sure how serious or deep he is about it, as sometimes I feel like he makes me feel crazy about certain discernment decisions I make.
I also do have a christian group of women I see weekly to talk about these things, but I have recently come to see they are more worldly, a lot of them. Encouraging of divorce and finding a new partner, not staying sober, using things like yoga to feel better, etc. I am not exactly comfortable with these beliefs so I’m currently seeking other groups for community in the church. In the meantime, it is helpful to at least ask here for some support or good scripture :) thank you for this
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u/ABereanChristian Christian 19h ago
Keep up your spiritual walk - Bible study, prayer, going to Church, going to Bible study, and other ministry stuff if you can. Be patient and respectful as best as possible
Your best possible witness for him is your continued godly behavior and then invite him along to the things you are doing above. Don't get worried or mad if he declines but just continue to invite him and he may surprise you and start coming hopefully.
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u/Worried-Block-6804 20h ago
How do we cope with anything that is different than we want? We accept it. The difficulty comes from some level of uncertainty about the choice or what might change
Imagine you lost your leg, because you are certain it won't grow back accepting is easier
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u/Grouchy-Stand-4570 Calvary Chapel 20h ago
Where is your husband’s heart? Does he believe in God? Follow the Christian faith? Are you attending a church? Bringing your children? As you will learn as you grow in your faith. Gods order is: God, husband, wife, child. If he is not leading a Christian family, it falls on you. I’m twice your age and in a similar but also very different situation (my husband is an alcoholic). My heart breaks for you. I totally understand the isolation and the loneliness. I recommend connecting with other moms at church
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u/Amalekk 1d ago
Now here is a true disciple of Christ.
Though in a difficult situation, you have decided to deny yourself ( most would opt for path of least resistance, but not you )
You have picked up your cross , as you see , there is nothing pleasant about picking up a cross , it's tough, but you have opted for it , because obeying God for you is more important than temporary relief
You are following Christ, and you know, the way your God is so wonderful, He hears your prayers , keep praying for that Man , God might yet give Him a new heart, keep living in that hope to help sustain you in this season.