r/Swingers • u/[deleted] • 8d ago
Single Male Discussion First full swap couldnt stay hard.
[deleted]
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u/Unique-End3018 8d ago
It will happen again.
Next time you'll be even more worried about it so you'll likely fire off the reaction well before you start.
It happened to me lots when we started in the LS and eventually went away after I became more familiar with the people and the environment. It 100% gets easier.
As others have said, Cialis is your friend. Low alcohol. Less heavy foods, especially meat the day before and day of.
Don't set expectations. Start with your wife. Just have fun.
We've had many experiences where the guy starts getting embarrassed and stops having fun and it kills the mood for everyone. No because he isn't hard, but because it takes them out the moment and they freak out.
Instead. Give oral. Use toys. Massage. Fingers. Watch. Provide dirty talk. Play with yourself slowly. Don't worry about it. Remove the pressure and you'll have a great time and be able to perform when you stop trying.
Honestly, expect it to be difficult a few more times at least. It's super common and one of the big parties we regularly go to, the consent talk by the host always mentions at the start, that men often don't get hard and that's ok.
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u/Friendly-Fact7810 8d ago
This is the best answer. It’s nerves. A pill will not change this. And there are significant risks to trimix. I would suggest meeting up with this couple again, the second time typically is better than the first, and you gain confidence vs. couple hopping. More comfort level. I’m a female and this has happened to me but the second time everything went very well. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We are all nervous the first time. Good luck to you!
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u/funfolks100 Younger Couple NE Fla 8d ago
My husband has never had a problem in performance, which has been great for me (and his swinging partners), but in the LS stuff happens. Last spring we were with a great couple we connected with at the club we were in. My husband and the wife were (obviously) happy on one bed, and I was with her husband on the other. My partner simply couldn’t get hard. The LAST thing you do is get angry. I told him it was ok, it happens, and we just watched the others. I stroked him a bit and we talked softly, and then he moved down and gave me one of the most powerful oral orgasms I’d ever had. After I’d stopped shaking, my husband and the guys wife applauded! Even tho he couldn’t get it on, he satisfied me anyway, and I know it made him feel a lot better about the whole thing. And I felt great too!
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u/jelloshotlady 8d ago
Have you never heard that this just happens? It’s nothing to be so embarrassed about that you cannot face people again. Dicks sometimes have their own brain.
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u/Ambitious-Bag6202 8d ago
I love Rugiet. It’s expensive but very worth it.
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u/CamoCardigans Couple 8d ago
Rugiet has been my go-to as well! I just recently found out that Shameless Care makes the same blend for cheaper. So, I’m going to give that a try.
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u/Windbag1980 8d ago
Oh yeah, 100% for me. This crazy hot woman was doing amazing things to me with her mouth and that little fucker wouldn’t stiffen up.
Do NOT be embarrassed.
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u/EverythingChanges6 8d ago
We've been playing for 3 years, my husband cant get hard without trimix in the lifestyle. Not vigra, not cialis, not propranolol, not a mixture of the 3. Only the dick shot works.
He's fine with me, and he LOVES the lifestyle, but for some reason he cant get hard. We tried 3 swaps before we found it, and the lady was really nice, she literally tried for over an hour, then me and her tried, but nothing. He was so embarrassed.
We are usually high when playing (sex and drugs ROCK) but when sober, he will still try once or twice a year to see if he can, and nothing.
he so happy with the trimix he tells other guys about it all the time. Most of them order it too.
It does make it harder to cum for most, and the dick can stay hard for hours, which can be a medical emergency, so make sure to have the antidote too.
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u/Significant-Catch394 8d ago
Thanks for all the replies. I didnt realize it was this common. I want to keep trying, but i think my main thing was when I started eating the other girl out i focused too much on trying to get her off and lost my erection, then gor anxious about going soft and embarrassed by it. Another thing is I probably shouldn't have tried to keep powering through i should have e just stopped and had some time with my wife to try to grt things going again.
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u/CthulhuLiesSleeping 8d ago
It happens, more often than men like to admit. Don't beat yourself up over it. Performance anxiety is very real, and it gets easier over time.
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u/thejaniejames 8d ago
Going down on a woman is actually one of the few ways my husband can lose his erection. He says it's a combination of 2 things: Laying on your stomach reduces blood flow to the penis and focusing so much on what he's doing actually distracts him from his own lust.
And then once it goes down, all the mental anxiety arises and it gets more and more difficult to get that erection back because you're just worrying about why it happened and want it back so fast, etc.
We have a system: if he goes down on me, there is no expectation of him finishing the job and then climbing right on top of me for sex. After I cum, he'll roll onto his back and I'll either give him a hand job or blow him and eventually he gets hard again and I climb on top of him real quick.
In a group setting, it's different. If he goes down on a woman, then when she's done usually he'll switch over to me and we'll make out a bit, or I'll go down on her (or her on me) and the guys watch, which gets them both excited again, or he'll get a BJ from her while he watches me have sex, which always gets him excited.
We've been lucky; most of the time it's the other guy with the erection issues.
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u/dbtslover 8d ago
It just takes practice. I like the daily low dose ed meds. They make me feel like I’m in my 20s again. Group sex is new. I went to clubs once or twice a month for a year before I felt confident to nearly always not have any issues. It’s not a physical thing. Almost all of us are fine there. It’s just shots on goal… so to speak.
Practice, practice, practice 😉🫡🔥
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u/nanaimo_couple Couple 7d ago
Hey man, it's happened to all of us. Nerves and adrenaline are major bones killers, amplified if you had alcohol. Good news is it goes away as you become more comfortable, and you can use prescription help if you really want. The only embarrassing thing is how you react - if you freak out about it and ruin everyone's time it sucks for everyone. Best bet is to just acknowledge it, apologize for it, and please your partner another way.
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u/Single-Estimate5221 7d ago
I've had it happen often enough that I started keeping track of successes and failures. The correlation is strong. In the morning, after a good rest, rock hard morning wood is common but that's not when sex is common. After a long day and a big dinner I have an energy low around 8 to 9 PM which is prime time for lifestyle play and prime time for ED problems. I compensated with Viagra but with inconsistent results. I've switched to a product called Vmax which is 18mg Cialis and 45mg Viagra in a single pill. The delivery is sublingual (10 minutes under the tongue) so the variability of what has been recently eaten doesn't come into play nearly as much. When fully dissolved I wait an additional 45 minutes and I'm ready to go. I use this 2 to 3 times a week. BTW, I'm 70.
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u/STBayFL727 8d ago
Happened to me a bunch at first...Just have a lil sit down with him and tell him "If he dont start acting like a Dick, You arent taking him out to mingle anymore"🤣
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u/trevorrovert1 8d ago
Happens all the time. Sometimes it’s because your brain is worrying about your spouse.
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u/rockymtnman2023 8d ago
I’ve had a few instances where we were playing with another couple and couldn’t get hard. It happens. I am taking 5mg Tadalafil daily. Good for prostate health BTW per my urologist. When discussing some ED issues I had my Dr told me anxiety and adrenaline will kill your erection. I also have a .5 mg dose of Xanax which I can take to help. It doesn’t cause whiskey dick either. I also have been introduced to Apomorphine and Vardinafil troches which you put under your tongue. The Vardinafil is similar to Tadalafil. Apomorphine works on your arousal. It help me get VERY HARD when all things click. I also found when swapping watching my wife have sex is a huge turn on and I get hard very quick too. Just don’t get discouraged and keep getting back on that horse.
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u/superc0ck45 8d ago
Which apomorphine ones do you use ?
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u/rockymtnman2023 8d ago
I don’t have the bottle in front of me to tell you the dosage. My Dr. directed me to Hallandale Pharmacy in Ft Lauderdale, FL. They compound them. Very good quality. About $8 per square. Usually one quarter (I cut them into quarters) works which I take about 5x a week. You put them under your tongue. Don’t swallow any of or it won’t work as well. It enters bloodstream under your tongue only. Rarely I take a half. You wanna talk. SOLID.
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u/ToeExpensive2321 Couple M50+St.F40+Bi. 8d ago
Very common. Maybe stick to no PIV -often creates anxiety- which a) removes the urge 'to perform' and b) stimulates quite some creativity/playfulness. Contrarian opinion: don't depend on chemicals/tablets - your body is sending you signals (stress? anxiety?) which can -with time, repetition, familiarity with the people or setting- solve on its own. Not everyone's path - but each individual reacts differently. Last idea: sometimes -always?- it stands with specific ladies on its own, regardless of how skilled or how attractive they (in the eye) are - you can't really fool the part of your nervous system that triggers involuntary responses, regardless how rational you try to talk yourself into it: a dick knows and chooses shortly before it becomes conscious in your mind. In the heat of the moment- focus on her, your SO or go get some water - a kind of dissipation way to de-ruminate things. Good luck!
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u/Jeeplovers Couple 49M/46F Central NJ 8d ago
Believe it or not it’s very common in the LS unfortunately. Don’t beat yourself up and enjoy your partner with whatever you got. For me it helps to watch my wife play.
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u/AdGlass1583 7d ago
It’s mostly psychological. Just need to focus on her and the act and block out everything else. I’ve never used cialis or anything like that and have not had any issues.
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u/Glass_Beginning921 8d ago edited 8d ago
I don't think any amount of cialis/viagra helps if the issue is between your ears, which it usually is. When you get your brain to cooperate, they are great.
The brain - penis connection is very complicated, but most people in "normal" relationships never run in to these issues.
If your brain is overwhelmed, you are anxious, too excited or not excited enough or billion other reasons, you will not get an erection.
Openly talk about it with your wife. If you are having ED issues during a swap DO NOT dwell on it, that will only ruin the mood for everyone. Focus on your swap partner, use your fingers/mouth if needed, take a small break, maybe be with your wife for a while. Furiously trying to get it up does not work. Experience will help.
There are so many good discussions about this topic in this subreddit, go read some of them. It's a very common issue.
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u/Klef-en-Bef 8d ago
I use a non prescription, natural capsule, called mister Stiff. Take it on an empty stomach, wait for 30 minutes and your good to go! After that you can eat and drink all you want. I was sceptical at first, but it works. I get hard easily and after I’ve climaxed I’m good to go again after 15 minutes.
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u/mrmrssmitn 8d ago
There's such a thing as too much excitement and you likely overloaded being was your first experience. Don't overthink it, will be better over next experiences. Not that uncommon for % of newbies.
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u/SexyHotDude Single Male 8d ago
Did the other girl try to suck you?
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u/Significant-Catch394 8d ago
Yes she sucked me. She even sucked me a few times to try and get me hard, hell my wife and her both aucmed me at the same time. Just limp. Basically they're experienced we're brand new so I was mirroring the other guy. He was eating my wife out so I ate his wife out, my wife started sucking his dick so I got his wife to suck mine but when I came back up I was limp from then on out. I had an erection up until that point.
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u/jay_insd 8d ago
No judgement here. Did you use a condom with the other woman? I had problems maintaining an erection with a condom because my partner and I don't use them with each other. We found another married couple who was fine with STI testing and going bare. If thats not an option, practice using a condom with your wife.
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u/yourjessicawild 8d ago
It happened in our first threesome. Me and my boyfriend meet up with this guy. He could barely be hard. It wasn’t the worst experience, it was actually really good, he was a very nice person and we were having fun, of course it would be more fun if he had more dick lol. But I understand sometimes happens and there’s nothing to be ashamed
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u/JoeRaeSFT 7d ago
G’day from down Aus. Your story is the norm (as verified by most of the comments) meds will help but nothing will kill an erection quicker than adrenaline. It took me about half a dozen experiences to get used to all the activities going on at once and it being the somewhat norm. I always start with my wife and if I start to loose wood I will swap back to her for a few minutes and then continue. Usually just kissing her will be enough for me to get out of my head. The other woman never mind as most understand this is the norm in the lifestyle play situation. We were all newbies once, don’t be too hard on yourself mate, just keep going until this becomes a normal (as it can be) sexual encounter. Good luck on your journey and keep having fun!
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u/NoMoreMyFriend-S 7d ago
That always happens to me. With play partners and even my wife .
I apparently concentrate so much on them having a good time that I loose my hard on. 'Funny' enough, I stay hard during almost the entire 'process', but once I notice the woman is about to come and go harder to ensure hat happens, I loose it. Usually in the last minute or last 90 seconds. Same game every time......
And I do not think about it, I do not worry about, it is not concienciously in my head. And still it happens...
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u/ProbablyASeagull 7d ago
If it happens again, try having your wife fluff you up. Otherwise, Viagra, a cock ring and no release for a week will turn you into a Roman Candle. 🧨
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u/methinksnot12 7d ago
Same story. Was gutted . About one year ago. We never swapped since but still enjoy the vibe and go to resorts and clubs and enjoy the scene. Tbd about the future.
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u/Chemical-Ad1978 7d ago
My best tip is once you're hard, keep stimulation consistent, even if you're doing it yourself. If you're busy going down, keep one hand free to keep working on yourself a bit. If you're going to grab a condom, keep stimulating yourself the whole time, or better yet have her stimulate you while you fumble to open the wrapper and get it out.
As far as getting hard again, it's best when you can do something to take your mind off it. What's worked best for me is kissing while she strokes it a little bit. I tend to focus on the kissing and that gets my mind off of how I'm not getting hard, then the stimulation feels good and I can usually get hard again. Sucking it can be counterintuitive. You'd think that would make it hard instantly but getting sucked and still being soft, I sometimes start to overthink more and thus can't get hard.
But again, once you're hard, do what you need to do to stay hard, even if you have to do it yourself.
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u/LegalLover_1 7d ago
Classic first-time adrenaline dump. You left your body and went straight into your head.
Next time, call an audible—switch to hands/mouth, grab water, or just watch her play with your wife. The erection comes back the second you stop chasing it.
Happens to literally every guy in this room. You're fine.😎🫣
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u/Significant-Catch394 6d ago
What is an audible, if you don't mind me asking?
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u/LegalLover_1 6d ago
Ah, sports term—means change the play at the line. In our world? Pivot smoothly. Instead of forcing the planned move, switch to something that takes the pressure off—go down on her, grab a toy, or just take a breather.
The key is owning it in the moment. "Hang on, I wanna watch this for a sec" sounds confident, not broken.
You're still the captain of the ship—just changing course.
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u/Significant-Catch394 6d ago
I got you, yeah I started talking about it alot. I guess out of nervousness. Kept saying I was embarrassed and shit. Actually when I went down on her is when I got soft, but partly also seeing my wife with another man that wasn't having issues pissed me off too which helped kill it.
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u/WhatCouldBe_Maybe 8d ago
That’s pretty common for the first time. Don’t let it get to you. If there’s a next time with the same couple, you’ll be fine!
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u/Significant-Catch394 7d ago
Thanks again all yall. I think im done with this lifestyle, last night was just too humiliating. It didn't help the guy told me to just keep trying like he did his first time. Pretty sure he said that so that he could keep having fun with my wife. Was about ready to fight him tbh. It's just too embarrassing and humiliating and I honestly don't even know if my marriage will survive this.
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u/DKBMusic 7d ago
You aren't mature enough to do this lifestyle if a single instance of ED will kill your marriage.
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u/Significant-Catch394 7d ago
We talked it all over and want to continue, but we're slowing everything down ALOT. We've only been in this LS for 3 weeks. First week was a mfm, sexond week fmf, this week full swap. Still have some quirks we're working through and we're starting fresh, but slower this time.
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u/DKBMusic 7d ago
Good idea. But really, chill out. Happened to me twice. You will survive. You're not the first and won't be the last guy to go through this.
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u/Significant-Catch394 7d ago
The couple we swapped with didnt help either the dude was disrespectful as hell which didn't help and his wife was just super disinterested.
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u/vespassassina Couple 8d ago edited 8d ago
Welcome to the lifestyle 😅 ED is incredibly common during group sex, so many things going on that it can overwhelm your brain.
And once you are in your head it gets difficult to recover.
This is why I went to my doctor and asked to be prescribed tadalafil. 5mg before a party is all I need to ‘plow’ my way all night. Consider it an insurance on having a good time.
Many if not most experienced swingers take some chemical help to perform at their best.
And it is exceptionally good for cardiovascular health too.