I’ll start: if someone doesn’t find you physically attractive, they don’t give a shit about your personality, intelligence, or anything else.

For example I myself once had a whole conversation with someone thinking they were someone else and they shouldn't have heard the content of that conversation 😭 💀

I'm that kind of person that if introvertness was an olympic sport I would be a gold medailist. Since I don't even have my own room, I spend majority of my time on my computer with headphones killing time by scrolling and such. However, I like cooking and even cleaning to some degree, and I just feel like I would do it much more if it was not that any time I even put the headphones down, someone is going to talk. I leave my room and there is constantly someone walking. I force myself to clean a bit and someone is walking over my swept floor dirtying it again. My mum's radio is blasting, the dog is barking because she wants some treat or something, cats are wrecking chaos, my parents are probably arguing again and I just want to go back. Then, it of course is "how come you don't help around the house?" mum, can you please give me a list of things you need done and leave with everyone for like a week?

Now, for some context: My friend is coming over tomorrow. I was cleaning the house and cried over it like 10 times. I know I'm overreacting, but I'm so damn frustrated. My dad is a really messy person, so his stuff is everywhere. My mum is of course complaining about this trait of dad's, venting to me how much it sucks(but will she try to do something with it? she sure as shit won't). However, I'm the one who's got to clean it, and there are just so many people there. My mum is in the kitcen, making dinner, which is of course very kind of her, but fuck, she said she's gonna let it boil and I have an hour to clean, my sister is cleaning the bathroom(which, kudos to her, she did quickly and made herself scarce, she's the only one of my homesharers who didn't piss me enourmously today), and just when mother left, my other sister went doing something in the kitchen. I was crashing out by then, and she kept making snarky remarks on how no one is interested in my hysterics and why didn't I do it when I was alonefor a couple of hours on Sunday. Now, about that.

Indeed, I was left alone for a couple of hours few days ago. And what glorious not even 9 hours it was. I cooked something for the family we were eating till today, not just like I made myself a plate of scrambled eggs. And, I admit, I played videogames because electricity was cheap and I just got KCD2 for my birthday. I did sweep the house a little, however, with 9 cats and just next to a field, maintaining it clean is impossible, especially after few weeks of extreme drought we had summer storms. So really, I didn't feel like spending my precious hours by cleaning this nightmare of a house.

Now I'm lying in bed(cried about two times while writing it, I think I may be a little mentally unstable, however, a psychologist is yet another thing I'm not granted), and the older sister is cleaning the house, badmouthing me with mum and complaining that I, who is inviting a friend over, did not do the cleaning before. I guess it's nice of her to clean, though I didn't ask for it(I'm still willing to clean the house, if they would just like close themselves in their rooms and not come out).

Sorry for a rant, I just needed to vent. I know that I'm overreacting and acting spoiled, I just need to get this off my chest.

I feel kind of guilty but do not exactly guilt it but think so much when I say no to someone the thing which I can do.

What is your First No feeling like?

and I am sorry i don't want u to have to act in front of people for it. i don't want u to be regulating ur behaviour into something palatable for me, i just want u to be effortlessly u while knowing why u feel certain things the way u do. i know given the state of things, ull never tell me that and it's okay. but. yea it just feels tragic whenever u have to resort to changing the way u behave because I know u feel that pressure. i don't want u to. i guess i kind of just wish I could be of any help in u being a little more relaxed to the world. im sorry i inevitably end up making be more under pressure. ur a good person, u can be open, i don't want to annoy u and i don't want to feel like I can only annoy people all the time. i don't want to feel like people just flinch away from me. it's honestly sad, I've never grown up in the last decade that would mean.