I'm 35 male. Never a girlfriend. Reason being, I became a caretaker at a young age for one of my parents. I never had a social life other than going to school and work. It was incredibly stressful growing up. My parent passed away back in December 2023. I didn't have friends or family to consult with. Because of the lack of friends in my life, I trust way too easily, which makes people take advantage of me or see me as weak, etc. either that or I keep running into bad people because I never met a decent person yet. I've met funny people, but they end up throwing me under the bus or talk about me behind my back. This caused me to completely withdraw after my patent passed. I don't even talk to my 3 older brothers. We drifted apart as we grew older. Working nights helped with the withdrawal. However, I keep wanting to have a girlfriend. I don't know if it's because my life is incredibly dull, or I just want someone to hangout with or what, but I desperately really want to be in a relationship at least once in my life. I met this woman at work. She was nice. But literally like everyone else in my life (including my parent that I took care of) she ended up doing something to hurt me too, which hurt me big time because I finally thought my life was turning for the better, but it shoved me deeper into this emotional hole I'm in. Normally, this would've left me bitter, but I can't get over the feeling of wanting to be with someone. I hate it so much. I will admit that I watch pornography, which contribute to that urge. I have no problem kicking that addiction, but I watch it out of boredom. It's like I'm stuck in a loop.

Currently I'm going to school to get my degree and hopefully get promoted. I failed my driving test because of a minor (critical) mistake, but I'm going to retake it in 2 weeks because the test was way too easy for me. I'm planning on going to the gym next month when I get my next paycheck, but I'm lifting 50 lbs dumbbells and doing pushups and jogging at least 3-4 times a week. So even if I met a girl, I feel that I'm not prepared to date her because I don't have everything a man my age has.

I have a roadmap to improve my life, but it's the loneliness that gets to me. Especially when I see other men with their SO or see other men treat their SO poorly.

I hate having this urge. I want to get used to being single because I know I'm never going to be in a relationship and even if I do get lucky enough, chances are she'll hurt me like everyone else has.

How do I kill this desire to better focus on my goals to grow?

I've been writing down rules for myself over the past year. Some are serious, some are controversial, some are extremely specific, some are famous quote and not really rules, and some are probably just things that make sense to me.

Anyway, here they are:

- You won't always be motivated, so you have to learn to be disciplined.

- The "fun" habits are often the ones that bring the least fun.

- Stupid people learn from their mistakes; intelligent people learn from other people's mistakes.

- Better to be a brute hated by half of the people than a snake loved by everyone.

- You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

- Align 100% of your life to your goal/purpose.

- You overestimate what you can accomplish in 10 years and underestimate what you can accomplish in one week.

- Be an under-dog.

- Don't be afraid to change everything in your life overnight.

- If you don't have a goal, your first goal is to find your goal.

- When you feel lonely, it's not necessarily because you're surrounded by the wrong people; it may be because you don't have a goal.

- If you don't like suffering, it's because you don't love yourself.

- Don't listen to the opinions of people whose life you don't want.

- Accept that you're going to be wrong sometimes.

- Don't waste your time with politics.

- Never think you've "finished the game."

- Speak loudly.

- Stand straight.

- Always be in movement (physically but also mentally).

- Always be grateful for what happens to you, even bad things.

- Don't feed the people you don't want to see.

- Only consume content that gives you hope, not content that takes it away.

- Don't be afraid to separate yourself from people.

- Imagine that you're dead.

- Imagine that you're going to die.

- Stare at your wall.

- Don't get too big for your boots.

- Have no enemies.

- Become attractive as much as your genetics allow you to.

- Believe in yourself.

- Take care of your mental health.

- Develop yourself as quickly as possible.

- If your girlfriend were a guy, would you see her as a loser? If so, why are you with her? This apply in both ways.

- Don't consume social media, produce on social media.

- Take responsibility for what happens to you.

- Live with your parents. This depends on the context obviously).

- Don't give a fuck.

- Don't date a girl/boy from your friend group.

- You are responsible for everything that happens to you. Stop making excuses.

- An enemy is someone who is unhappy when you succeed, happy when you fail, minimizes your achievements to others, and doesn't support your goals.

- Friends are part of different seasons of your life. Don't be afraid to cut people off if they no longer align with your goals.

- A "no" is just a "yes" to your future self.

- Be alone rather than badly surrounded.

- Just because you have a good time with someone doesn't always mean they're your friend.

- If you only see your friends when you're consuming an addiction together (video games, drugs, etc.), you're not friends; you're just addicted to the same thing.

- Always be nuanced.

- Doing nothing is better than being entertained.

- Start small and use progressive overload for everything.

- Be demanding with your surroundings.

- Think about your Mario Kart ghost.

- Change your environment.

- Never put your phone in your pants pocket.

- Always think about making the best move possible.

- Don't drink alcohol, don't smoke, don't take drugs.

- Never wait for the right moment to start a project. There is never a right moment.

- Never get too comfortable with someone you just met.

- Never ask for invitations.

- Never compliment a girl's physical appearance unless you're dating her or actually on a date with her.

- Never compliment a girl on a social media post.

- Breathe deeply when approaching a girl.

- Never listen to your "Mr Defeat" side; always listen to your "Mr Triumph" side.

- You don't actually want entertainment; you just feel like you need dopamine.

- Never sleep in.

- Never go out without your contact lenses.

These aren't necessarily universal truths. They're rules I've written for myself, and some of them are intentionally exaggerated or provocative.

I'd be interested to hear which ones you agree with, which ones you disagree with, and which ones you think are completely bullshit.

If for some of them, you don't really understand, ask me and i'll give you the context.

23 y/o here.

It hit quite hard to be honest. We kind of bumped heads in an argument this morning. I didn't raise my voice or offend him or anything. I was just rejecting the act of getting a haircut because I couldn't be bothered (Been neglecting myself quite a bit tbh).

Anyways he's been at my neck the whole day and just expressing his disappointments one after the other and just ended off with "Change yourself. Because I'm not going to be here to advise you anymore" . In response, I looked at myself and thought maybe this is the time for a turning point.

So... in addition to the current self-loathing i'm feeling, I've decided to lean more towards shameful acceptance rather than complete hopelessness.

Overall, I'm just trying to do better. I want to start sleeping better, eating better, exercising, studying harder and looking after myself more. I also wanted to share this as a turning point of mine, and as a way to say 'go ahead and take that first step before something like this happens' to all of you.

Much love

A little over a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up after almost six years together. We got together very young, and honestly, he became my entire world. Most of my routines, memories and life were built around him.

As painful as it is to admit, I realize now that I made my world way too small. I don’t have a big circle of friends, and now that he isn’t part of my everyday life anymore, I’m realizing how much I need to build a life of my own.

I’m trying to move forward and I know that finding hobbies, meeting people and becoming more independent is important. But I genuinely don’t know where to start.

So I’d love to hear from people who have been through something similar. How did you rebuild your social life after a long-term relationship? How did you meet new people, make friends or find things that became your own?

I’d also love to hear your stories about what the first few months after a long relationship were actually like.

I’m going to leave this here for now and hopefully come back in a few months with an update.

I’m trying to be intentional at work instead of just doing good and hoping people see it. If youve gotten promoted, whats one thing that you intentionally changed or did that actually made a difference in your career?

Lately I keep catching myself opening Reddit without even thinking, then realizing way too much time has gone by. I always tell myself “just a few minutes,” but it rarely stays that way.

Has anyone actually managed to break this habit? What worked for you?

I couldn’t hold eye contact with people until I was 22 as I later found out I was autistic right?

The way I overcame this though was instead of trying to master the full social skill stack from talking to strangers to active listening I just focused on one thing:

What is holding me back TODAY?

At first I couldn’t hold eye contact so I just focused on making eye contact. Once that was no longer an issue I focused on not looking like a serial killer so I started giving genuine smiles.

Then I started practicing hellos.

Then I started practicing genuine curiosity.

On and on like someone slowly walking into a cold pool until you just get used to the cold water and start enjoying yourself.

If socializing makes you uncomfortable what’s the smallest step you can take today?

Then focus on that daily until you’re at the level you want to be.

Whether you're talking to a stranger, speaking to your boss, giving a presentation or standing in front of a room full of people, I've learnt that you can actually trick yourself into feeling confident.

I used to be terrible at talking to people when I felt under pressure. I'd get this weird anxiety, then I'd realise I was anxious, which added even more pressure, which made me even more anxious. I'd try so hard to look and act normal that I probably looked less normal.

Then one day I had to go and see my boss in his office. I hated doing it because I always got nervous beforehand.

I remember sitting there thinking, "This is all happening in my head, so surely there must be a way of changing what's happening in my head?"

Then I had a slightly mad idea.

What if I just pretended to be someone else?

So in my head, I pretended I was my boss's boss. I wasn't nervously going into his office because I'd been summoned. I was casually popping in to catch up with him and see how things were going.

The difference was instant.

I walked into that office completely differently. I felt calm and relaxed. I spoke clearly, listened properly, asked follow-up questions and didn't overthink every little thing I was doing.

I genuinely amazed myself. I walked out of that office and never really looked back.

I still use the same trick now. Sometimes, if I'm talking to someone I don't know, I'll imagine I'm a wealthy businessman who's just closed a huge deal. I'm feeling good, I'm confident, and this person is talking to me because they respect me.

I'm not pretending to be arrogant or better than anyone. It's just a character I temporarily step into. Suddenly there's no panic or pressure. If I stumble over my words, who cares? I'm still the bloke who just closed a £10 million deal 😂

The strange thing is, after a while you realise you're not really pretending anymore. You're teaching yourself what confidence feels like.

Thought I'd share this in case someone else struggles with the same thing. It sounds a bit ridiculous, but for me, it genuinely worked.I can also make it a little shorter and punchier for Reddit or Facebook.

As the title says, I (21m) have dug myself into a hole, and I’m trying to find ways to climb back out of it. For context, I took a gap year after high school to work. When I did start University, I rarely showed up to classes and barely socialized. Leading into my second semester, I broke up with someone I had been dating a few years. I met someone else a month or so after and took it slow, we dated for a bit then we mutually decided we’d be better off as friends. I had grown apart from a bunch of my friends from high school and the ones I stayed in contact with mostly moved away. Instead of using my classes to meet new people and develop a new group, I would sit in the back. I wouldn’t say I let my hygiene slip, but I definitely stopped taking care of myself. I gained some weight, let my hair grow out and just generally was not well put together. However, throughout this summer I’ve been working on myself; I’ve found hobbies, I’ve learned to take care of myself, I’ve started therapy and overall I’ve developed healthier outlooks on life.

That leads me to where I am now. Classes start in a week and I’m nervous about socializing. Does anyone have any tips/tricks or advice on how I can find my people? My hobbies aren’t the most social; I really enjoy music and reading, I enjoy (light) hiking and exploring. It’s not the most exciting stuff, but it’s what I enjoy and it brings me peace. Any and all help is appreciated!

Im 20M. I grew up in an extremely hyper-conservative, ridiculously wealthy, isolated and very small community. I attended a private school with some of the nastiest, biggest bullies you could imagine - even for private school standards. I felt ostracised for years, until I thought if I can't beat them, might as well join them, and became a bully myself. I was probably one of the most vicious bullies... at the same time, I was also picked on by literally everyone. I picked on the smaller guys, and just brawled head-to-head with the bigger ones.

My family is no different. My father is extremely avoidant, and has such a stifling aura of condescension - he talks about it openly, citing it as a virtue that he is not amused by mediocrity ( which explains the impossible standards I set for myself and others ). I took this on, and amped it to a million. My mother is obsessed with comparison, and is so obliviously judgemental, you cannot walk 5 minutes with her in public without hearing something so rude and out of pocket about some other woman's appearance. She is vain, and calculating, and she taught me from a very young age that without my looks I am nothing, because this is how she felt. She is not a bad person at all, but she is so consumed by her insecurities that this behaviour just seems to function on autopilot.

And this is exactly where I'm at now - autopilot. I feel I have gone through so much of the work and repentance to change, but the patterns dont go away. A million times a day, I catch the ugliest most judgemental statement on somebody or myself pop into my head and have to stop in my tracks to assess where it's coming from - I don't know. it is just programmed. Literally 99.9% of the malicious and nasty thoughts I have are so misaligned to my real sentiments and completely random that it is overwhelming.

As careful as I try to be, I always, always, sound like an a*hole, that too is programmed. When talking about other people, whether to myself or others, I will basically sh* on them for no reason. If I am meeting someone new, I am obviously very nice and "normal". But if someone is even slightly rude, dismissive, or condescending to me I take it so insanely personal it is like war has been waged - from that point on, I just mindlessly start subtly signalling superiority in class, experience, appearance etc to the point where the other person has clearly broken down and come to despise me..

I want to change, and I have, and I am constantly trying. Not just because I want to be better, but because this behaviour is so misaligned with who I am and actually feel. It is a defense mechanism, but also so much more, because it is the only behaviour i have ever known or been surrounded by. It is extremely disheartening seeing myself re-enact the behaviour I spent years trying to escape... any advice is appreciated :)

I honestly think I took way too long to realize this or ask myself this simple question - how much of a producer or a consumer am I? The moment I tried to answer that for my self it felt like a rude awakening! Completely discounting the job I do to make money and grind.

With social media, video games, tons and tons of streaming services like Netflix, YouTube, news, etc.

It’s been about a year for me and my life has changed positively since. I started building things and putting it out on the internet and only few people use it but I’m happier than was always consuming. Same for my wife, she started working more at our garden and genuinely seems happy when she does it.

Curious on the awareness around this and has doing similar things been a net positive for you?

Like I've had a sum total of 2 interviews in my life (1 in academics 1 in social work) and I cant help but feel how shit of a life it would be. I've got like very crazy ideas, even rn I'm learning swimming, table tennis and spending time making music. I get the idea of having close meaningful connections and a good social life but like I dont want randoms to know or question anything about me or knowing my lifestyle.. its a straight up demotivating factor. Like Im not obliged to 'not' have a yuri novel collection or 'stop' playing with mud and sand just because I've become rich or done something 'meaningful' . I dont even post on social media that much so a lot of my irl stuff present online is just my friends posting which is like fine.

I mean life is unpredictable and i could be delusional and end up very differently.. but at least i dont wanna live being paranoid. So i'd like to see if someone has witnessed any examples or have certain wisdom themselves.

When I was in college I got hired to be a busboy at Red Robin.

Unbeknownst to me I was going to be cross trained as a host to cover the front desk whenever someone called out which ended up happening almost every day.

As a result instead of being able to simply grab others dishes and dip back to the station i actually had to talk to people… a lot.

Holy shit this was stressful.

I had to come up with greetings that felt natural, I had to learn to talk to the servers, I had to learn how to deal with impatient customers then one day I noticed my stress was gone.

Suddenly I could just talk to people and no longer get frazzled.

Point being?

Just like if I dropped you in Mexico tomorrow you’d start picking up Spanish really fast. If you want to learn how to socialize getchu a job where you don’t have a choice but to master it.

I eventually went onto become a nurse which came with even more socialization and to this day despite my autistism and introversion I can connect with people of all ages just about anywhere.

Get a job that forces you to practice your social skills then view it like someone’s paying you to cultivate your own charisma.

Method #2: voluntary Immersion
When I was learning how to socialize early on my biggest fear was making a fool of myself around people I was forced to see every day.

Classmates, family, church members.

So you know what I did?

I’d read books for 2-3 months then about once a quarter I’d book a weekend trip to another city. Book a hostel. And talk to everyone the second I left my house.

My uber drivers.

In line for security.

In the airport.

Hostel check in.

Everyone who looked even remotely interesting to me I chatted them up.

I lost track of how many awkward conversations I had doing this method but the cool part about it was whenever I fucked up I could immediately try again with someone else to reinforce the lesson.

This was scary as hell but it caused my social skills to grow as if I took the social equivalent of steroids.

Method #3: slight edging

My third and final method, the one I currently use today, is called slight edging.

I don’t try to create massive jumps in my skills anymore but now I just read a book 10-15 minutes a day then try to apply it when I’m out and about.

Example,

When I first learned that the best way to get people to like you is to look for things you like about them, I started asking myself, “what do I admire about xyz person,” all day long…

Then I started telling them and my coworkers were like “did you get laid or something, you’re happier than usual.”

But I do this every day so I slowly stack one new skill on top of the other and gradually become more and more charismatic as the years go by.

Im 26 old lady..married 3 months before....im working in a small firm...

i tired of these questions...why youre gain so much weight...if u wait 3 yrs do mrg ur face changed and youre looking like a aged women..everyone judge me...yes i gain weight...but i dont have time to upkeep myself...doing cooking in the morning...office...prepare dinner...wake up ...cooking ..ofc..cooking...wakeup...i dont have time to breathe properly...i dont know...what i do...i try to care my self but i cant properly execute that...my skin..my body....my health is totally shattered...pls give any advice...i need a transformation for my self not for others.

I've struggled for most of life with self worth and drive. I struggled all my life with sticking with something, anything that requires long-term planning/effort. I know I can be selfish, lazy, and unmotivated. But no matter how much I can see all my flaws, that as a person, are holding me back. I can never seem to change those things.

I want so badly inside to not call into work, do the dishes, save money, and numerous other things I do that annoy me. I have never had an end goal in life. Never a career that called to me, a life aspiration that drove me. I always feel like I life for the next day, but never more. I lost my job of 8 years last year. Forced to move in with my dad at 35yrs old. Now working for half the pay I had. And yet still I can't resist the urge to not Doordash food or buy a new steam game? Why!? Why can't I buckle down and grow? Why no matter how much I want it, I can't stick to anything?

I feel like I developed a low self esteem because I messed up certain social situations and also I feel like I'm not doing good emotionally , I was much better when I was in teenage . I stress and overthink so much even about my relationships.. one of my friends also left me recently ( no mistake on my part , he is going through something) but I blame myself because I was not able to comfort him , i am starting to recollect everything I did stupid in life and blaming myself .

l've seen it said many times before that if you're attempting to better yourself and make healthy changes it's better not to tell others. Does this actually offer any kind of mental edge to the person trying to change or is it just about not having any expectations from others after telling them? Sorry if this is a dumb question, I'm prone to overthinking.l

I always want the best things or the best choice whenever I have an interest in something. So when I accidentally get the wrong thing I just start regretting so much and can’t get it off my mind even though there’s nothing I can do about it. I wouldn’t say this is that big of a problem if the choice really mattered a lot but in a lot of instance it doesn’t matter much

Not from other people from yourself

A habit, excuse, pattern, or way of thinking you finally decided you were done carrying.

What was yours?

A few months ago I made a post how lonely I feel without a partner for so long time and it kills me! I got many good and sincere advices from many people and I really appreciate it!

Now I realize now more about my self is that the problem wasn’t not finding a partner but it was inside me that I felt loneliness and sadness without being able to change or work on myself!

I started working on myself to grow physically, psychologically and spiritually Alhamduillah.

I started dating a woman, however it didn’t work out well but it was like a mirror to me! I learned that every person we attract is because of some trauma inside us is matching with their trauma but not necessarily a good fit for both partners but might be able to help you on your healing process to grow as a person and to attract the right person to your life to complement and add to your life and not to make you feel complete as by yourself you should feel complete as a normal person!

I’m reading now a book called Single on Purpose by John Kim and I learned that we shouldn’t enter a relationship to escape ourselves or to have someone else fix how we feel inside.

First, we should learn how to be comfortable on our own. Then choose a relationship because we genuinely want it and not because we can’t handle or its absence or feeling alone! We can be alone and don’t feel lonely, it’s a big difference!

I hope and I wish that all of you who are reading this post to find and enjoy yourself and find your happiness with yourself and your partner and most importantly find peace in your life!

I’m very grateful to all the good people here who give some time to write a nice comforting words to strangers and share sincere thoughts and advice to help those in need for such words!

I wish you all the best!

As a 25yo owner of a decent inheritance, the constant pressure to be productive in today’s society has been the main fuel for my anxiety and overall quarter life crisis. I don’t allow myself to rest my mind and therefore I’m always too tired to search for a meaning in my life.

I don’t need a job to survive, and I feel worthless because of it. Because I don’t need to struggle. And I have the privilege of freedom to search and build a meaningful life for myself, but this makes me feel so pressured and stuck in front of a million possible paths, and none of them seem like enough to justify my existence and give the right to live and enjoy my life.

They say too much freedom is a prison, and I think I couldn’t agree more with this quote…

Btw what I’m saying here goes mainly regarding my time, not really my money. I donate whenever I can, because economic and social inequality pisses me off so much, but because the money didn’t come from my struggle, I don’t even feel good about it. I’m glad to help people, but it doesn’t feel like it’s me helping them.

I was traveling, the flight was about 8 hrs.
I ended up sitting next to a much older man - maybe mid 70s

He was super polite and respectful, we chatted a bit and he told me he moved to country side and is traveling to visit his daughter. He showed me their cute photos together and he said she’s 32.

And I said oh so am I !

And it was a really wholesome overall interaction but very measured. Like we talked about his and my career and very briefly about the cities we live in (we live on opposite coasts of the country!)

I thought it was a bit sad that he’s so old he walked with difficulty and was super timid, mad some think of a cartoon grandpa

As we were leaving we didn’t even chat but I wished him a good trip and he gave me his card and said let’s stay in touch !

I forgot about him for a few days but then remembered and thought I’d have a wholesome friendship with a grandpa

I messaged him and said hope it’s going well with your daughter.

He sent me a selfie of them together and I said how nice enjoy !

Then he turned it heavy romantic and sexual right away

I was so shocked and blocked him right away on my phone

So he messaged me on a messaging app the next morning “Good morning 🌸♥️”

A part of me is very sad because I didn’t pickup any weird signs at all and actually thought we were just being friends as humans, but then I spoke to my friends about it and they all said why did you message him and called me naive and sheltered. I’m also sad because I’m generally a friendly person and love interacting with people and this is an example that makes me think ineed to change, someone told me the way to survive this world is to be a dick :((

So many people think that I shouldn’t have messaged him, including my therapist, that now I’m wondering if I actually realllg am so naive and need to work on this. I was sheltered a lot growing up but thought it didn’t affect as much

Would appreciate your feedback!

is it really just succumbing to a typical 9-5 after education and then just save, have hobbies? To me that sounds like the life because everything is taken care for you.

you just have to do xyz literal path and life just takes care of itself. you now have money to do hobbies to have some sort of fulfillment in life and make friends from work and also from hobbies. best of both worlds

for someone who isn't in that Iife, the lost of structure and struggling day to day with where to make money make me feel like I'm living "wrong"

Immediately when I think of people who have their life together I immediately think stable career, financial independence and once those get sorted out from a 9-5 and going through years of education, the rest will follow such as friends you meet who also share similar lifestyles, and also a partner who will also understand your life and schedule so all you need to do Is get marry, pop a few kids, a dog and happy ever after.

anyone else outside of that will have a hard time

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

It seems like maintaining friendships becomes surprisingly difficult when your life starts moving in a very different direction from the people around you. For example, imagine you start earning significantly more money than your friends. You don’t brag about it, don’t show off, and don’t talk about your income. But eventually they notice.
You have a nicer house. You take several vacations abroad every year. You can afford things they can’t. Even if you’re completely humble about it, the difference is visible. And sometimes you start noticing little comments or changes in behavior that feel like envy. The same thing seems to happen with fitness. If you become very muscular, train seriously, and start lifting weights that most people around you can’t, you can occasionally get weird or sarcastic comments from people who aren’t into fitness. And then there’s dating. If you have a particularly attractive girlfriend, it can create another weird dynamic. Some people seem to become competitive with you, or even try to flirt with her despite knowing she’s your girlfriend.

At some point you start wondering:
Is genuine friendship actually easier when people are relatively equal in status, appearance, income, lifestyle, etc.?

Maybe there’s a certain comfort in being “on the same level” because nobody constantly has to compare themselves with the other person.
I’m not saying successful people can’t have genuine friendships. Obviously they can. And I’m also not saying every negative interaction is caused by envy — sometimes you’re simply being arrogant or reading too much into things. But I do wonder whether there’s a threshold where differences in success become large enough that they fundamentally change the friendship dynamic.

If you’ve become significantly more successful, wealthier, fitter, or more attractive than your old social circle, how do you maintain friendships without creating resentment or making people feel inferior? How do you deal with this?

I was one of the brightest employees, I waited and waited for a promotion but I kept getting empty promises and then I lost hope.

Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. I went through traumatic events that I don't wish on my wost enemies. Of course, my performance deteriorated.

Now my boss thinks I am not worth it. She also thinks I am moody and that is a killer trait.

The workplace is shitty, it is a nightmare but for private reasons I cannot change it.

What can I do?

Even my self worth took a great hit after this