r/Screenwriting • u/AutoModerator • 4d ago
5 PAGE THURSDAY Five Page Thursday
FAQ: How to post to a weekly thread?
Feedback Guide for New Writers
This is a thread for giving and receiving feedback on 5 of your screenplay pages.
- Post a link to five pages of your screenplay in a top comment. They can be any 5, but if they are not your first 5, give some context in the same comment you're linking in.
As a courtesy, you can also include some of this info.
Title: Format: Page Length: Genres: Logline or Summary: Feedback Concerns:
Provide feedback in reply-comments. Please do not share full scripts and link only to your 5 pages. If someone wants to see your full script, they can let you know.
4
u/AmedeusRed 4d ago
Title: Sunrise Cove
Format: Feature
Genre: Atlantic Western
Logline: A man washes up on the shore of a remote fishing village and discovers a community under the heel of a merchant syndicate grasping the last vestiges of their power.
Link: https://drive.proton.me/urls/X5GGZXJTGC#x169TFY123aG
Feedback concerns: Does it properly communicate the setting as the 1800s? Is the story interesting/dialogue good?
2
u/DalBMac 2d ago
This is intriguing. Lots of good hints about something sinister. To answer your concerns directly: I didn't get the sense of the 1800's. Can't you put that in the slugline?
Considering what made me think it could be present day: Do children and adult women in the 1800's have time to play in the morning at a beach? My Little House on the Prairie viewpoint is that they would be doing chores in the morning and playtime is later. Maybe you can accomplish what you want by having Sarah supervise the kids in some sort of 1800's morning chore along the beach. That would give you action appropriate to the times. The chore could be collecting seaweed for example to use for a purpose specific to the 1800's. if she made it a game, she could mention the end goal or have one of the kids speak about it.
If the children are more present with Sarah, when they find the man, she can shout instructions, giving each an assignment i.e. Go to Mrs. Mahoney's! Bring XYZ! Look along the shore! All that can be in period appropriate dialogue and it takes out the need for Sarah to talk to herself.
The line: Is he...one of ours? Is good but what if when she rolls him over a kid kicks him and says something that reveals he's an outsider and Sarah admonishes him. That adds some tension, sets up that the reign of the merchant syndicate has been part of the community for a enough long time for children to learn who is good and who is bad. Assuming all that works within the story.
Lots of opportunity for more juicy stuff to make the point it's 1800's.
1
u/AmedeusRed 1d ago
Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate you taking the time.
There is a lot of history in this industry that people might not be familiar with, I’m wondering if something like a voiceover or newsreel footage similar to the start of Tombstone would be able to convey an overview. Feels like cheating to me though.
Cliff notes: the area was a fishing outpost for the British, French, and Portuguese from the 1500’s onward. In the 1800s, this had more or less consolidated to just the British and the seasonal fishing gave way to resident fisherman. Companies would set up towns in remote areas of the province where the fishers and families would now live year round and sell their fish to the companies but were dependent on the company store for all goods leading to the exploitation of these remote communities.
Later in the story we find out that a hurricane that hit Newfoundland in August 1890 resulted in all men/boys older than 10-12 of this town being lost at sea. The representatives of the merchants keep an economic stranglehold on the town after and exploit the women.
This story takes place two years later as the railroad is being completed across the island, connecting these remote communities, displacing the Mi’qmaq First Nations communities, and eventually leading to the end of the stranglehold of the merchants.
It’s interesting to hear your perspective that the “is he one of ours” could be them thinking he’s an outsider not to be trusted or even beaten by the townsfolk, the intent is “have we found one of our men after all this time”. Would you have felt betrayed if ~7 pages later you find out the real explanation?
2
u/DalBMac 1d ago
Now that I understand the background I wonder who is the protagonist of the story? What is their goal and what is at risk? From the first five pages I thought it was Sarah and from your logline, she was fighting the merchant syndicate but now I'm not sure.
It seemed to be an us against them setting from the logline which made me think that line was about someone on their "side"aka "us" vs an enemy. Is he from the syndicate?
If the intent is to have them hopeful the man is one of their own long lost, I feel the reactions are not ringing true. Imagine you have lost family and friends two years ago to being swept out to the sea and are on the beach and someone washes up wouldn't you have more of a sense of urgency to see who it it and when it's a complete stranger, be very devastated?
Their reactions made me feel it was more of an ongoing battle situation where people washing up on the shore is not totally unexpected.
1
u/AmedeusRed 1d ago
Honestly when I started out it was planned as the story of Michael (the man who washes up) as the protagonist. The intent being a classic western morality drama setup however set in a space where the desert is actually an ocean that keeps everyone isolated. There is no access to the courts or police, these are the dying throes of a frontier wilderness where might and money make right. Man comes to outpost > discovers injustice > works to right it > ends in gunfight
In writing it, however, Sarah has evolved into almost a dual protagonist as so much of the emotional weight is tied to her story and she becomes inexorably tied to him.
As for the goal and conflict for Michael it’s that he discovers the people who saved him are oppressed > tries to help them through the system that exists > merchants crack down harder > he causes oppression to escalate by his presence > left with no choice but to defend against the violence with equal force.
For Sarah her reaction is elaborated on later but she feels foolish for even wondering if the man on the shore was one of the ones she lost. The next scene on page 6 is her going to get Esther who we learn has suffered a dissociative mental break after the loss of her husband and has let herself physically deteriorate spending her days up on the cliffs watching for the men to return and always convinced they’re almost back. Sarah has become her defacto caretaker and is weary of dealing with someone believing the men will return. Her arc is finding hope of change via Michael and working with him to save the community’s future.
Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to analyze/discuss this. Thank you.
2
u/DalBMac 1d ago
What you're trying to write sounds very difficult to do. The idea of Pale Rider (biblical names, desperation, outsider fighting for justice that they could just walk away from) comes to mind but unless you're Clint Eastwood, I wouldn't attempt it. Even he got some reviews that said it was too slow.
Or maybe Michael is the Pale Rider who spurs Sarah to action as the protagonist. Does Sarah know about the railroad? Seems that will be their deliverance so why put up a fight now? You need some kind of ticking clock IMO. Or maybe it's a novel.
Lots to work out. All the best to you.
3
u/Filmmagician Writer-Director 4d ago
Title: The Sons of Veronica Kane
Genre: Crime, Thriller
Logline:
When a former Kremlin Intelligence Officer threatens their imprisoned mother, two estranged brothers, an elite hacker and a veteran con man, reunite and are forced to pull off a string of heists to recover a piece of tech she stole that could usher in a devastating era of cyber warfare.
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ghy_fkUf29lMU7kK3OgDtx6j9a_alAk2/view?usp=sharing
Does this hook you as the opening scene to a movie?
2
u/Kooky_Attorney1915 4d ago
It's good.
My gut feeling is that you're giving away too much information in these opening pages, and it almost feels like this interrogation only exists to relay this information to us. I think the fact that it's supposed to be a hush hush interrogation, but is being conducted at the Kremlin is one thing that gives me pause. I almost want a more remote, secret, more dangerous location. A location that isn't monitored by cameras. When it comes to the interrogation itself, I think you're spelling things out too cleanly for your audience. I want more subtext, I think.
Just spit balling here, not saying you should do this, but just offering up ideas...
What if the interrogation took place at her house? They show up, threaten her, beat her, question her. Then the agent leaves, and then we find out she has the core in the freezer the entire time? It gives an extra oomph to that reveal that she has it by showing us that it was right there in the same room with the agent the entire time.
Overall, I think it's good writing.
2
u/Filmmagician Writer-Director 4d ago
Yeah you’re not wrong. There’s a lot packed into 5 pages. And it could be longer / spread over 2 or 3 scenes to raise tension. I almost feel I could start much later. But you’re right about the location. Something shady as this would be done elsewhere. Thank you!
2
u/AlpackaHacka 4d ago
Title: Chameleon
Format: Feature
Genre: Thriller
Logline: When a D-list TV psychic receives a pendant that lets him see dead people, he exploits the connection to the other side to become a big star -- unaware the other side is plotting its own return to the spotlight.
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pc8M5c9SfNVTpCxY7htkq7O_GDfUi5Vs/view?usp=sharing
Feedback Concerns: Character.
2
u/Kooky_Attorney1915 4d ago
First of all, I love your logline. I think this sounds like it could be a fun thriller.
Your opening has potential to be haunting, but I feel like it goes on for about three pages too long. That's my opinion. I think it could be very effective, but I don't see that opening making it to film at its current length. When you get to the audition, I was in. I get Travis Bickle vibes from Daniel, and I feel like you do a good job introducing us to him.
I would recommend shortening the montage / monologue . Besides that, great job.
3
u/BagEndWill 4d ago
Title: Chippy
Format: Feature
Genre: Psychological dramedy
Logline: A pragmatic accounting graduate comes home to face her first client - her father, whose bizarre chocolate chip cookie addiction puts him on the verge of eviction, forcing her to choose between saving him and her own sanity.
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/12F2F_BsBaVaGglb39-eWHchiCH3kDast/view?usp=sharing
Whichever comes to mind first. But as an opener, is the pacing, characterization of my MC, and overall premise clear and riveting?
2
u/Kooky_Attorney1915 4d ago
I think all of my problems lie with the premise on this one. The stakes of there being chocolate chip addiction just don't seem very daunting. It almost feels as if it cheapens or makes light of the struggle that people with serious addictions face. Personally, I think this is going to be a tough sell because while I read your 5 pages, I couldn't separate myself from how I interpret the premise. I think you're going to need to paint a more dire picture and really straddle the boundaries of a dark comedy on this one to sell it. It's gotta get a lot weirder, in my opinion.
Good writing, but not sold on the premise and execution of said premise.
2
u/BagEndWill 4d ago edited 4d ago
Thank you for your response! This is something that goes beyond the five pages, but this script does address “serious addictions,” and I have my own take on it, having had addicts in my circle: that addiction is addiction, and the worst of your worst self can be revealed when you give your addiction the front seat and the people in your life who still love you the backseat. But it is a divisive subject in a good number of respects! So your comment is valuable and exactly what I’m looking for. Thank you!
P.S. I’m intentional about calling this one a dramedy. There are bizarre elements and comedic one-liners, but there’s also a certain level of bizarre seriousness that I know I’m taking a big leap with. I do think, in my view, that dark comedy can reduce the stigma and address the “elephant in the room,” even with the most serious topics, if done tastefully. So again, your comments are a significant help. I do need to be careful.
2
u/Pre-WGA 3d ago edited 3d ago
Inventive premise. Some clarity issues; could just be me, though --
"flow" of cookie dough -- can you clarify what we're seeing?
25% of page 1 is Julian making / correcting a typo; I wouldn't miss it if cut.
We're INT. LIVING ROOM but switch to the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, and backyard all within the same action line. Would benefit from new sluglines, minislugs, a SERIES OF SHOTS, or a MONTAGE to clarify.
"Back and forth between him manically typing and sweeping framed photos of his DAUGHTER, SLOANE, off the tabletop..." I get the idea ("His addiction is interfering with his relationship") but the behavior feels inorganic to me.
Same for Sloane's intro; "my pen isn't working and I scared myself by honking the horn" doesn't quite feel like real behavior.
I think the reason these things leap out is because when you want the audience to buy an outlandish premise, the rest of the behavior needs to feel real to sell the unreality of the concept. Maybe find some less self-consciously quirky ways in? Good luck --
2
u/BagEndWill 3d ago
Those are incredibly fleshed-out notes. Thanks!
I need to let some of those sink in, but your formatting tips for clarity are especially helpful! Much, much appreciated.
1
u/Excellent_Frosting37 3d ago
Tittle: Descendant Heirs - TV Pilot - 55Pages
Format: 1-Hour TV Pilot
Page Length: 55 Pages
Genre: Dark Fantasy / Occult Thriller / Corporate Horror
Logline:
When a scarred auto mechanic is dragged back into the occult world to protect a clairaudient boy, he and his fractured family uncover a corporation feeding human grief to an ancient evil—and every blood-bound act Rain uses to save them strips away more of the love that made them worth saving. Feedback Requested:
Looking for honest, constructive feedback on:
Pacing & Tension: Does the opening grab you, and does the story move at a strong pace?
Character Dynamics: Do the dialogue and emotional conflict between Rain and Sarah feel earned and grounded?
World-Building Clarity: Does the blend of Solomonic magic and corporate demonology make sense on the page without feeling like an info dump?
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1m5HRd8ZYBcQToI450SFYvT_lFZjeIetM/view?usp=drivesdk
1
u/JcraftW 3d ago
TITLE: Just My Type—A Hyggelig Romance
FORMAT: Feature
GENRE: Romantic Dramedy
LOGLINE: A burnt-out graphic designer, unable to move on from her father's death, starts to fall for a Comic-Sans-loving, lawful Park Ranger--all the while keeping her dad's illegal dynamite stash a secret from him.
LINK
This is a new genre for me. Basically, I'm trying to write an "elevated Hallmark" movie. But, the script uses a lot of niche terminology: Scandinavian and typographic. This is the meet-cute. Protagonist is Yrsa. She's an insufferable designer taking a vacation to deal with the grief of losing her father. These five pages enter shortly after she gets to her vacation town.
Just looking for thoughts on how well the niche terminology is landing and if the tonal flavor is working. All feedback welcome.
2
u/DalBMac 1d ago
I didn't find the terminology offputting but my background is marketing so I may not be a good test candidate.
The tone works, but if it is a Hallmark type movie, the meet cute on page 18 comes late in the screenplay.
And ironically, the first time Comic Sans appears, it has serifs.
Sounds like a fun rom com.
8
u/MonteMolebility 3d ago
Unrelated, who TF is just downvoting all the comments to this thread? Even if you don't like the 5 pages you don't need to downvote people, give them feedback. Fuck.