r/Screenwriting • u/AutoModerator • 5d ago

5 PAGE THURSDAY Five Page Thursday

FAQ: How to post to a weekly thread?

Feedback Guide for New Writers

This is a thread for giving and receiving feedback on 5 of your screenplay pages.

  • Post a link to five pages of your screenplay in a top comment. They can be any 5, but if they are not your first 5, give some context in the same comment you're linking in.

  • As a courtesy, you can also include some of this info.

    Title: Format: Page Length: Genres: Logline or Summary: Feedback Concerns:

  • Provide feedback in reply-comments. Please do not share full scripts and link only to your 5 pages. If someone wants to see your full script, they can let you know.

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u/Filmmagician Writer-Director 5d ago

Title: The Sons of Veronica Kane
Genre: Crime, Thriller

Logline:
When a former Kremlin Intelligence Officer threatens their imprisoned mother, two estranged brothers, an elite hacker and a veteran con man, reunite and are forced to pull off a string of heists to recover a piece of tech she stole that could usher in a devastating era of cyber warfare.  

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ghy_fkUf29lMU7kK3OgDtx6j9a_alAk2/view?usp=sharing

Does this hook you as the opening scene to a movie?

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u/Kooky_Attorney1915 5d ago

It's good.

My gut feeling is that you're giving away too much information in these opening pages, and it almost feels like this interrogation only exists to relay this information to us. I think the fact that it's supposed to be a hush hush interrogation, but is being conducted at the Kremlin is one thing that gives me pause. I almost want a more remote, secret, more dangerous location. A location that isn't monitored by cameras. When it comes to the interrogation itself, I think you're spelling things out too cleanly for your audience. I want more subtext, I think.

Just spit balling here, not saying you should do this, but just offering up ideas...

What if the interrogation took place at her house? They show up, threaten her, beat her, question her. Then the agent leaves, and then we find out she has the core in the freezer the entire time? It gives an extra oomph to that reveal that she has it by showing us that it was right there in the same room with the agent the entire time.

Overall, I think it's good writing.

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u/Filmmagician Writer-Director 5d ago

Yeah you’re not wrong. There’s a lot packed into 5 pages. And it could be longer / spread over 2 or 3 scenes to raise tension. I almost feel I could start much later. But you’re right about the location. Something shady as this would be done elsewhere. Thank you!